Life goal posts have moved - what would you do?

[betteroffwithouthim]

I'm hoping I will receive some useful feedback here, I'm expecting some brutal comments also and can deal with them. In the grand scheme of it it's small fry.

Met DP 2.5 years ago, he'd been separated a full year by then. 2 teenage children who live with their mum and stay with him EOW and a couple of days in the week. I don't have children, tried and failed to fall pregnant with previous partner.

Male child I'll call him Ben he's 16, female Jodi is 13. I have a nice relationship with Ben but despite trying so hard not so great with Jodi. It's polite stilted conversation at best and slammed door rudeness at worst.

Their mum works a few short days a week and over the summer holidays we have them fulltime as DP has agreed to look after them to give their mum a break at her request. I work full time and have a long commute. I'm not entirely happy about this situation but have little choice. DP also works long hours so honestly they're not going to have the best time as we're both working.

Ben is having big problems with his mum (they both agree on this) and it's being suggested he comes to live with us full time. I seriously couldn't deal with this. Rightly or wrongly I fell in love with a man who's kids live with their mum. I met him online and wouldn't have agreed to meet him if he had children living with him! Flame away but it's the truth. I'm not a bad person for feeling this it's human nature.

Every time I try to talk to DP about this he shouts and slams around, swearing, breaking things. He has zero tolerance of me unless I'm agreeing with him. It's hideous.

I can't leave him as rent is so expensive around here and I've researched the easiest most painless ways of killing myself.

WWYD?

@Aqua why do you feel I think he needs to choose? Can't he have us both? His son is almost an adult, not a child of 6? His mum hasn't thrown him out, it's a discussion and I'd like Ben to stay where he is and carry on seeing us as he currently does.

Just to add that if you are in relationship were you have to agree with whatever your DP suggests and he has zero tolerance for you having a different view this may not be a good relationship for you regardless of any child issues and marriage may not be the best idea.

I'd suggest you ask to move this thread to Relationships OP

I say that to you as an adult woman who can't see that you don't have the right to ask your partner to choose you over his own children.

I'm also a partner of a seperated man with children as well as having children of my own from a previous relationship. All the children come first.

You need to be the adult.

I'm sorry to hear if you feel that suicide is your only alternative. Please do seek help for that if that is how you are feeling.

Every time I try to talk to DP about this he shouts and slams around, swearing, breaking things. He has zero tolerance of me unless I'm agreeing with him. It's hideous.

Any you need us to tell you the blinding obvious?sorry but leave him now before this gets any worse:(

Sounds like you need to clear off and rebuild your life. This is a false start. Certainly not worth killing yourself over, and please call the Samaritans if you are really feeling awful. I sense you will get through this and move on TBH, once you get some perspective.

@Rainybo please read my messages you will see very clearly I'm not asking him to choose. Unfortunately mothers see me as the enemy trying to make the childrens' lives a misery - jumping to that conclusion based on their own lives that maybe also aren't so perfect.

I'm sorry that you feel this way. However I think you are being very unreasonable to think that your partner can distance himself from his son. Just because he is almost an adult doesn't make him any less his child. Once you are a parent, you are one forever, regardless of age. I would never prioritise a new partner's needs over those of my child. Sorry if that's harsh, but that's the reality of being a good parent.

He is right to put his son first. That's what good parents do. You need to put yourself first, find somewhere else to live and keep yourself safe. There will be someone else out there for you, don't settle.

Honestly? Forget about Ben. He isntbth issue here.

But a guy who is slamming doors, shouting, breaking thugs because you don't agree with him? Oh yes that IS a big issue.
A big red flag that tells you he is likely to become more and more physical towards you.

Also you are mentioning feeling suicidal. I get that you really dont want Ben to move in but feeling suicidal about it sounds a pretty strong answer to it. Which then makes me wonder how your DP actually is aorund you. Is he emotionally abusive? Has he dragged you down completely so much so that not agreeing wth him is driving you to suicidal thoughts?
Seeing his other behaviour, I think this might be worth looking at.

OP - I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Like PPs I would suggest you see your GP soon to help you through.

I do think your expectation of DPs DS staying with his mum is selfish especially when you know he is having big problems there. But I am wondering if your current low mood is affecting your thinking here?

Every time I try to talk to DP about this he shouts and slams around, swearing, breaking things. He has zero tolerance of me unless I'm agreeing with him. It's hideous.

Is this your DPs reaction to all conversations you have with him, other than discussing his DC?

If so, there are 2 reasons for you to leave this relationship:

1. He is volatile
2. You are unable to be a fair and supportive SP.

Please don't end your life over this.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear this situation is so concerning for you that you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well in these situations.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Your priority is your mental health. You need to talk to a gp asap. Your reaction to goal posts maybe moving is not normal.

Your p's priority is his kids. His priorities and yours shouldn't be in direct opposition but for now they are.

Once you feel stronger, (with ads or counselling) or even before, I would suggest you move out.

So sorry you're feeling this way. But the way out of this situation doesn't have to end in you ending your life. I really recommend you go and see your gp, do you think you could be depressed? It sounds terrifying to live with someone who is that flammable, aside from your original reason for posting, that sounds like a very difficult situation. I think perhaps look around at rental options, rent a room somewhere maybe, at least you have a job so you have a base to start from. Please look after yourself.

His son is not "almost an adult." He's a 16 year old boy. You say "Can't he have us both?" whereas your partner is probably saying "Can't you live with both of us?" You said Ben is a good kid and he's having a tough time with living with his mother. Perhaps he really needs to live with his dad right now for HIS mental well-being. In any relationship, not just one person's "needs" can be catered to, and in your case, children are involved, and when you are a good parent, your kids will ALWAYS come first.

Ok @Aquamarine thanks you've made your point. Life isn't always black and white. Ben's dad isn't being a great person right now, he'd be better with his mum but you probably can't see that for your "hate the step mum" blinkers. Even stepmums are people with feelings.

I'm sorry - I can understand that you would strongly prefer to live with your partner on your own. But do you realise that it's not normal that the idea of living with your partner and his son makes you feel suicidal?

That said, if your partner starts shouting and breaking things when you disagree with him, there is something seriously wrong with your relationship.

You managed without your partner before you met him. You will manage without him again. If you moved and took a lower-paid job, then move back and get a higher-paid one. You have managed it once, you need to do it again. Forget about the kids for the moment, although you were foolish to think that the status quo was always going to remain the same as when you moved in with your partner. His kids will always be his kids, regardless of their age. You might find Ben moving to live with your DP aged 25, with a wife and kid in tow! FYI, 16 is not almost an adult, i have a 16 year old, he has just finished GCSEs, he is absolutely nowhere near being an adult. Another two years will probably make a big difference - college, driving lessons etc - but right now he needs all the support he can get from us, his parents. Ben is the same and it is pretty horrible for him to think that he is an inconvenience to both of his parents.

Far more worrying is your description of your relationship with your DP, he sounds an abusive dick. You absolutely have to get out of there.

*Every time I try to talk to DP about this he shouts and slams around, swearing, breaking things. He has zero tolerance of me unless I'm agreeing with him. It's hideous.

I can't leave him as rent is so expensive around here and I've researched the easiest most painless ways of killing myself.*

I read all the way through your OP, and right at the end, this ^

This is an abusive relationship.

Please, as well as contacting Samaritans, get in touch with Women's Aid.

It's DPs attitude that's the main problem here not the kids particularly

Why would a decent father not want to live with his children? Why would you expect him not to live with his child?

Did you ever say living with his children would be a deal breaker or are you springing this on him now?

There is no compromise, you realise that?

Like others have said, son comes first.

Why don't you at least give it a go, you never know, you could be very good for him. and he could be good for you.

Clearly you don't want the life that is now being proposed.

You have 2 choices:

1. Accept that 'Ben' needs his father and one of those needs is to live with him.
2. Leave.

Nobody should ever have to live a life they do not want when they have a 'get out clause.

But I do have a question. You said you tried and failed to get pregnant before you met your current DP (assuming with a past partner). The question is; What would YOU have done when your own 'son' reached the age of 16? Would you kick him out because 'at 16 he's almost a man'? You may say that the answer is 'no' because 'he would be your son'. But Ben is your DP's son. And besides, you say you get on with him! So your 'he's almost a man' excuse is very thin off the ground and has no substance to your argument.

You are basically giving your DP a choice; you or Ben. A decent parent would always choose their child.

YANBU for being angry with your DP because of his behaviour and attitude.
YABU for expecting your DP to say no to his son living with him.

Also, hope you get some help with your mental health. I understand this is a difficult time but sometimes difficult times requires harsh truths.

I NEVER said I "hate step moms" and I NEVER implied you don't have valid feelings. In fact I told you that I understood how you would prefer a relationship with a man who doesn't have children. You have every right to feel that way. But that isn't what you chose and now you are having to deal with the consequences of having a partner with children. To call me a "hater" is simply ridiculous.

I don't think your partner is acting in a particularly healthy way but given your attitude towards his children I can sort of understand his feelings, although I don't condone them.

What would you have done if something had happened to their mother that meant they had to live with you full time? I understand you didn't want to be a stepmother but unfortunately you are in a relationship that makes you one, in whatever capacity that may be.

I've been a stepmother for 6 years and while it has been incredibly challenging, I chose to do it. I can certainly moan about it from time to time but your feelings are not healthy and I concur that you need to seek help.