Life goal posts have moved - what would you do?

[betteroffwithouthim]

I'm hoping I will receive some useful feedback here, I'm expecting some brutal comments also and can deal with them. In the grand scheme of it it's small fry.

Met DP 2.5 years ago, he'd been separated a full year by then. 2 teenage children who live with their mum and stay with him EOW and a couple of days in the week. I don't have children, tried and failed to fall pregnant with previous partner.

Male child I'll call him Ben he's 16, female Jodi is 13. I have a nice relationship with Ben but despite trying so hard not so great with Jodi. It's polite stilted conversation at best and slammed door rudeness at worst.

Their mum works a few short days a week and over the summer holidays we have them fulltime as DP has agreed to look after them to give their mum a break at her request. I work full time and have a long commute. I'm not entirely happy about this situation but have little choice. DP also works long hours so honestly they're not going to have the best time as we're both working.

Ben is having big problems with his mum (they both agree on this) and it's being suggested he comes to live with us full time. I seriously couldn't deal with this. Rightly or wrongly I fell in love with a man who's kids live with their mum. I met him online and wouldn't have agreed to meet him if he had children living with him! Flame away but it's the truth. I'm not a bad person for feeling this it's human nature.

Every time I try to talk to DP about this he shouts and slams around, swearing, breaking things. He has zero tolerance of me unless I'm agreeing with him. It's hideous.

I can't leave him as rent is so expensive around here and I've researched the easiest most painless ways of killing myself.

WWYD?

Of course you're asking he choose.

Hi OP sorry you're feeling like this 😢 If someone could wave a wand for you and sort this out, what would you like to happen?

Would it be you carry on as you are- the son doesn't come to live with you and the arrangement stays the same with kids visiting eow and holidays?

Or would you choose to leave your DP and live somewhere else?

Understanding this would help us know how best to advise you x

OP, this is your life. You don't have to consider his children - that's his job. Don't feel bad for not putting them first.

Leave him. He doesn't listen to you.

He's never going to be 'not a father'. I was talking with my dad today - he's worried about his son. His son, my brother, is 55.

Get away, no matter how you do it, and make a pleasant life for yourself. This is a one-way path we're on. Don't volunteer for suffering.

Do not even consider suicide. There is more life to live, and it can be good. Set a plan in motion that will make it that way for you.

It's actually very simple. First, you have to accept that Ben's needs come first. If it's the right thing for Ben to come live at your house, then you have to find a way to accept/live with that.

If you can't, then leave.

No one on this thread is motivated by hatred of stepmothers, but the consensus is that the child's needs come before the partners and your husband is doing the right thing in prioritizing Ben.

Life doesn't always pan out how we want. This is one of those times where you have to roll with the punches.

I understand where you are coming from OP with how you feel towards the children potentially living with you full time. I, like you am with a man who had his DC every single weekend and I can understand the concern towards suddenly having one or both with you full time- admittedly my concerns are more around the 'we need to install a second bathroom' rather than suicide.

This relationship isn't good for you, and it won't be good for Ben if he does move in either.

You've not been together long really. Don't settle for a life half lived. Go and get help for your mental health and leave.

Cutting through all the kneejerk reactions, I think what @betteroffwithouthim is saying is this:

• She made clear to her partner form the outset that having his children move in full time was not for her. He agreed to this. This is perfectly fair enough - their mutual decision.

• They have since moved on (location and relationship-wise) on this basis.

• Ben has fallen out with mum, as teenagers are wont to do (we don't actually know the ins and out). Ben "wants" to live with OP and dad, but still has a home with mum.

• Partner has now decided unilaterally that Ben will come and live with them. Any questioning of that immediately results in aggression and violence.

• OP wanted to be, quite reasonably IMO, consulted on this major life change for both of them, perhaps with a view to a compromise that suited everyone. But at the very least to be included in the process. That should have been a given.

@betteroffwithouthim you are clearly struggling with this to an enormous extent - your references to suicide are worrying, to say the least. Please do take the advice to speak to someone about this, as there IS an alternative, and that someone can help you find the way to it.

It's fine to say it's a dealbreaker if his kids come and live with you, of course it is.

Sorry, but it looks like the deal's broken. He's still responsible for his children. They are still minors even if you think they're practically adults. They are going to live with him.

You can leave. Even if rents are expensive you could maybe find a house share situation (which might end up being more fun anyway).

If you are genuinely feeling suicidal then please get proper help. Your problem is not insurmountable (but I know too well the feeling that it is).

but yes my partner knew that children living with us full-time (or him full-time) is a deal breaker for me. He knew this from very early in our relationship.

I think its fine to say I don't ever want to live with children, but in that case, I don't understand why on earth you got involved with a father of children who were, what, only 13 and 10?

It didn't occur to you that the situation might change? What would you do if their Mum died?

His son comes first. You have to accept that or move on in whichever way you can.

I'm sorry you're struggling but you're a grown woman who knew he had children so this was always on the cards. You made a mistake getting involved with a parent if you can't deal with his children.

OP - if you take Ben out of the equation for a moment, the question is whether you want to be with your DP or not. If you weren't arguing over his son, would you be arguing over something else? Is he volatile in general, or just over this issue.

If he is volatile in general and you feel that living with him is like walking on eggshells and it's affected your mental health to the extent you describe, then you need to seek support to leave. In this case, his son living with you or not is hardly the issue.

If he is generally reasonable, then you must accept that you are in fact forcing him to choose between you and your son. This is totally unreasonable. It is a fact that any parent will put their children first and you have to accept this. What about Ben's mental health? He is at a life-defining age and if he needs to be with his father, then so be it. Nobody has any right to stand between a parent and their children - ever. I really don't mean to sound insensitive, but if you had children of your own you would understand this.

It doesn't make sense that you would only want to live as a couple with your DP - why would you if he is a volatile, difficult man? Either you want to be with him or you don't.

I'm sorry, it sounds like you have entered into arelstuonship with a man who is a parent, without being able to fully relate to the mindset that this entails.

Your partner is abusive and there's a good chance he's enjoying your misery at the prospect of Ben moving in. There's a possibility he's also encouraging his son to move in just to spite you rather than it being the best option for Ben. Abusive partners are rarely good parents IME.

However - your needs will always come second when there's children involved and that's how it should be I'm afraid. It's ok not to want this but you'll have to figure out an escape plan.

Call Woman's Aid as they can give fab advice.

Start squirreling money away.

If you're on a low wage- what benefits would you be entitled to if you were on your own?

Thanks for all the messages, both helpful and even those not so. I appreciate all of your time to respond. I know in my mind what is right and what is not, those who judge don't know the full situation or what they would do in the same boat.

I made my decision to be with this man as I fell in love with him. Of course I knew he had children who were 10 and 13 at the time. I was very clear about not wanting to be a full time step mum (obviously as some have pointed out if mum died then this is a totally different situation). My main beef is that I haven't been consulted on this situation and when I try to talk I get abuse, swearing and violent behaviour. I'm stuck in a relationship I don't really want to be in anymore, for reasons of the violence and yes because I appear to be inheriting a 16 year old almost man who's going to live in my home with me.

I will channel energy into finding a solution.

I have sought help and thank you again for your kind words and comments.

You're doing the right thing OP, this man is not right for you and you have a better chance of happiness without him. Any relationship, whether it involves DSC or not, should be based on mutual respect and communication, your DP doesn't sound capable of either and that's the root of your problem. I hope you manage to find a way to leave soon

She made clear to her partner form the outset that having his children move in full time was not for her. He agreed to this. This is perfectly fair enough - their mutual decision.

I don't understand this. Surely anything can happen during a relationship when such promises couldn't be made? There's a strong possibility that in a few years time, my OH's mum will need to come and live with us. I don't like and her find her over bearing. I can cope seeing her for a few hours every month, but that's about it.

Will I live my OH when the time comes? Of course not. It's his mum, he loves her, he wants the best for her. I didn't get with him on the assumption that everything would always be him and I happy ever after. Sometimes things get in the way. Who knows, I could have an accident tomorrow and he might have to look after me in a way that is not what he expected when we got together.

It will only be for a few years OP, are you going to throw everything away because of his son moving in? If the issue is your space, then make it clear that your OH will take on the additional work that comes with his son moving in with you and agree clear rules. Make sure you have somewhere to go to 'escape'.

Medium term, I think you should look for a job in another (cheaper) area. Maybe do some research about areas you can afford and then look for jobs on the back of that. Knowing this is your plan might help you get through the immediate here and now.
Have you got any friends / work colleagues you can arrange nights out / days out with? Could you join a gym so you can be out for much of the evening several nights a week?

It doesn't make sense that you would only want to live as a couple with your DP - why would you if he is a volatile, difficult man? Either you want to be with him or you don't.
Exactly. If he has only become difficult now, when you bring this up, isn't it more likely he is extremely stressed by the situation rather than an abusive personality? You are basically telling him that he can't support his son in the way he thinks best, without having any really valid reason. Sorry OP, but I have more sympathy for your DP and his son right now. I think you would all be better off if you moved out.

I don't care how stressed he is by the situation, violence and abuse isn't ok. Ever.

Please try to get some help OP.

yes my partner knew that children living with us full-time (or him full-time) is a deal breaker for me. He knew this from very early in our relationship.

I have no respect for a parent who would agree to something like that. How abhorent. Nor do I have any respect for a potential/new partner who would give that sort of ultimatum.

If you're going to get involved with someone who already has children, then that's the risk you take. Conversely, if you're a non resident parent, you need to think long term and make sure your minor children always know they'll have a home with you should something happen to their current living arrangements. (Abusive NRP situations aside of course). That means not agreeing to something as stupid as your new partner saying the kids can't live with you.

I would just like to say that a 16 year old is NOT a 16 year old man! He is teenager. I am afraid he is his fathers priority especially as he is not getting on with his mum. This is difficult for you cos it sounds like it's a deal breaker but financially you may come unstuck and you feel trapped but your partner knew your feelings on this when you got together. It would be great if you and DP and mum could all come to some sort of an arrangement but that is probably easier said... could you stay with friend/ relative giving you some breathing space for a bit.

Do contact Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247. Phones are busy during the day so try to call at night if you can, 7pm-7am. Failing that, contact your local Womens Aid office . If you don't get through on either then do leave a message and they will get back to you.

It's important you talk to them as you need support to clear your head. It's all very well saying 'do this' or 'do that' but you are not in a good place at the moment. I was very shocked at your last statement and would urge you to seek support, regardless what happens at home. Because imo this isn't about your partner's son living with you, it's about your partner.

It is very common to feel hopeless and powerless when we are in an abusive situation. Take heart, there is a way out, even though you can't see it now. Womens Aid will help and support you to make constructive steps forward, a step at a time

I'm not excusing violence. OP is taking a stance, which is in direct opposition to how DP feels his son needs caring for. And keeps pushing it. It's bound to bring out the worst in someone. Again, not excusing it. It is not directed at OP though, from the comments.
Every time I try to talk to DP about this he shouts and slams around, swearing, breaking things.
He isn't abusing her directly, bar the shouting, and this only occurs if she brings up not wanting his son to live with them. That's what I meant by him not being an abusive person, rather it being a consequence of extreme stress (caused by OP -sorry OP, I know that sounds harsh).