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AIBU?

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Original poster

Life goal posts have moved - what would you do?

96 replies

betteroffwithouthim · 19/07/2017 20:10

I'm hoping I will receive some useful feedback here, I'm expecting some brutal comments also and can deal with them. In the grand scheme of it it's small fry.

Met DP 2.5 years ago, he'd been separated a full year by then. 2 teenage children who live with their mum and stay with him EOW and a couple of days in the week. I don't have children, tried and failed to fall pregnant with previous partner.

Male child I'll call him Ben he's 16, female Jodi is 13. I have a nice relationship with Ben but despite trying so hard not so great with Jodi. It's polite stilted conversation at best and slammed door rudeness at worst.

Their mum works a few short days a week and over the summer holidays we have them fulltime as DP has agreed to look after them to give their mum a break at her request. I work full time and have a long commute. I'm not entirely happy about this situation but have little choice. DP also works long hours so honestly they're not going to have the best time as we're both working.

Ben is having big problems with his mum (they both agree on this) and it's being suggested he comes to live with us full time. I seriously couldn't deal with this. Rightly or wrongly I fell in love with a man who's kids live with their mum. I met him online and wouldn't have agreed to meet him if he had children living with him! Flame away but it's the truth. I'm not a bad person for feeling this it's human nature.

Every time I try to talk to DP about this he shouts and slams around, swearing, breaking things. He has zero tolerance of me unless I'm agreeing with him. It's hideous.

I can't leave him as rent is so expensive around here and I've researched the easiest most painless ways of killing myself.

WWYD?

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 19/07/2017 21:43

Looking at this from OP's point of view... I can see how you feel trapped. You entered into one arrangement, made changes which left you more vulnerable, then the situation changed leaving you feeling as if your needs are not important to anyone, and with no choices left. You feel as if other people are making choices that damage you, and you are powerless.

You need to swing this around.

Your DP is being a dick because he is trapped too- upset you, or leave his son in a situation where he and his mum aren't happy. His relationship with his son has to come first- it is his duty, and failing his son now will damage their relationship for ever.

Ben is trapped with his mum, because his dad's girlfriend won't let him spend more time with his dad. His dad isn't fighting hard enough for him, and his mum doesn't want him to stay.

All of you are equally trapped and hurting- it isn't just you. You all need to find a compromise. Ben could spend more time with you, without moving in completely. You could look into better paid jobs so you have more choices in the future. Take control, find a solution.

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 19/07/2017 21:45

@janeismymiddlename I meant DP's attitude by throwing things around and being abusive. That is the problem not the fact he disagrees with me over Ben being here full time.

OP posts:
Windycityblues · 19/07/2017 21:47

Is DP's attitude like this in relation to everything or solely in relation to Ben moving into your house?

itsgoodtobehome · 19/07/2017 21:50

Ok. So the issue is not 'Ben,' but your partner. So your op is actually misleading as it's more about you being unhappy with your partner. Nothing to do with the kids.

Rhubarbtart9 · 19/07/2017 21:57

You fell in love with a man who is a father to two children. It was a massive silly assumption to think they would always live with their mum. There was always the possibility they would live with their father.

whatcouldthisbe · 19/07/2017 21:57

I'm sorry you are so unhappy, but I must say I find it slightly chilling that you expect Ben to not be allowed to come live with his dad, because it doesn't suit you Shock

Did you move out and find you own independence at 16 or 17, OP? If so I get why it would be normal for you and why you don't think it would be a big deal.

Most young adults need their parents at this age and well into their twenties - think moving home after uni to figure out next steps - and those who have to do it all mostly alone, or with minimal parental support, are at a considerable disadvantage.

whatcouldthisbe · 19/07/2017 21:58

I think your partner is BU obviously if he is abusing you, but I think you're BU too to have such little regard for the relationship between him and his son, and his son's wellbeing.

AtHomeDadGlos · 19/07/2017 22:07

So you don't want your step son living with you full time and can't discuss your feelings properly with your partner so you're planning on killing yourself?

That's so overblown. Just leave him.

Janeismymiddlename · 19/07/2017 22:08

You didn't answer: is your desire to live without his children something that has been previously discussed and made clear to your partner? Or are you only mentioning it now?

FastForward2 · 19/07/2017 22:15

Just to say I live with 16 and 18 yr old and hardly ever see them as they are in bedroom or on computer so it might not be as bad as you think, + in 2 years you can send him to uni.
If you are suicidal please get help. Hope you can get it sorted.

Vegecook · 19/07/2017 22:21

Is this about his son or the way your partner is treating you OP? I think you've moved to be with him and it's not what you thought. Maybe he's not what you thought he would be? Please don't kill youself there are ways out.

Jellybellyqueen · 19/07/2017 22:35

Unfortunately mothers see me as the enemy trying to make the childrens' lives a misery - jumping to that conclusion based on their own lives that maybe also aren't so perfect.
Doesn't matter what posters lives are like. The bottom line is you are wanting a child (yes, 16 is still emotionally young) to continue to live with someone he doesn't get on with instead of living with his father, who he does get on with, simply because you don't want him around? This is extremely selfish of you, how negatively do you think this situation is affecting him? And his father, who you are basically telling he can't support his son. You may feel trapped because of high rent, but you still have more choices that that unhappy kid. Have some compassion OP. I'm not oblivious to the fact your MH is not all in the right place, though in the grand scheme of things looking to kill yourself if he moves in is a massive overreaction. Get some help, and I do mean that kindly.

RiseToday · 19/07/2017 22:38

You need to find the strength to leave your abusive twat of a partner. The kids are irrelevant in all of this. Even if there were no issues with his kids and they lived happily with their mum, seeing you sporadically, your partner would still be a twat!

cricketqueen · 19/07/2017 22:50

Your partner's behaviour is obviously wrong but you aren't exactly painting yourself in the best light either. You can not expect him to choose you over his son!!! His son will always come first. You talk about killing yourself well what about his son? What if his son's bad relationship with his mother deteriorates further and he ends up wanting to kill himself. And it could have all been prevented by letting him move in with his dad. In this situation the child's wellbeing is the most important, and if you are unhappy with that you should just leave and let Ben move in with his dad for everyone's sake

EmpressoftheMundane · 19/07/2017 23:09

You're creating a mentally impossible situation for yourself by insisting that you cannot leave. Of course you can leave. You can rent a room in someone's house, you can move to a different area, etc. What were you doing before you moved in with DP?

You are ratcheting up the pressure by insisting that you cannot possibly leave. Spend your mental energies on figuring out how where you are going to go and what your plan is.

shouldaknownbetter · 20/07/2017 06:50

I have been in this situation... as the child. Due to mums MH issues I and my brothers went to live with my dad and step mum as teens. She was given no choice and was very unhappy about it which came out as resentment to us. Very difficult for all concerned. You need to seriously discuss this with your DP, but ultimately his primary responsibility is to his children.

Wooooo · 20/07/2017 08:42

When my mother threw me out of my home as a teenager my step-mother objected to me going to live with my father on the basis that it 'wasn't what she signed up for'. So I ended up living alone in very dangerous circumstances and having a breakdown.

I think you are being utterly selfish. Don't start a relationship with someone with children if you are going to interfere in their parenting.

I hope you get the mental health support you need and end this relationship, for everyone's sake.

lubeybooby · 20/07/2017 09:02

I also think you are being massively selfish. Woman up and have some consideration. Sorry.

InvisableLobstee · 20/07/2017 09:19

I think this has just highlighted the fact that your's and dp's relationship is not as good as it first appeared. If it's dependant on things being just as you need them to be (child free for the most part) then it's probably not a long term relationship. I think you should get yourself set up and move on. A room is not unaffordable for a full time worker and of course you could move area and change jobs if your weren't tied to your partner.

redexpat · 20/07/2017 09:56

Does dp shout and swear if you disagree about other things?

Eeny · 20/07/2017 10:13

The shouting and throwing things is obviously not acceptable, although he is NBU wanting his son to live with him.

Does your partner know you are feeling suicidal?

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 20/07/2017 11:36

@Janeismymiddlename - I don't really see what relevance it has, but yes my partner knew that children living with us full-time (or him full-time) is a deal breaker for me. He knew this from very early in our relationship. I didn't include this information as it just invites a further barrage of abuse from the step mum haters. I definitely wouldn't see Ben homeless, his mum has not thrown him out and if she did then of course he would come to us, it is a discussion and I have an opinion that I prefer him to live with his mum. I'm not asking DP to choose, I just want him to listen to my opinion and perhaps have a sensible discussion over this.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/07/2017 11:47

💐 you're obviously in a bad place.

You haven't been with this man very long, you need to cut your losses and leave. His aggressive, bullying, manipulative behaviour is NOT something you should put up wth, it'll only get worse.

Do whatever it takes to get out - move area, new job, flat share etc. London is a surprisingly good place to live like this, lots f fiat sharing & lots of places needing workers to start immediately. Once your back on your feet you can have a rethink.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 20/07/2017 12:02

I didn't include this information as it just invites a further barrage of abuse from the step mum haters.
he'd be better with his mum but you probably can't see that for your "hate the step mum" blinkers.

You think people find your dismissive attitude towards Ben disagreeable not because it IS disagreeable but simply because they hate all step-mums?

Righhhhhht.

Good luck for the future.

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 12:09

I'm not asking DP to choose
Yes you are. You said it has always been a deal breaker if the kids came to live with him.
And I don't hate step mums. I've known quite a few really nice ones. None of them put themselves above the children though, as you appear to be doing.

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