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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sleep, so I quite possibly am

128 replies

Raaaaaah · 19/07/2017 02:15

So DD 18 months has been up since 10:00 and is still not happy. She has had calpol, cuddles, banana and water and she isn't unwell. I've been up with her until now, lying on her floor, holding her in my arms etc.

I've just woken DP up so I can get a couple of hours sleep. He is pissed off. He works and I am a SAHM with two older children. I usually do all wake ups and have done with all of them but he is really good at early mornings as he is a bit of an early bird. Was I unreasonable to wake him? I think the thunder would have even if I didn't .

OP posts:

53rdWay · 19/07/2017 08:07

Hear hear, Autumn. Am always rather at the cries of "but you can't wake your DH ever, he's got to GO TO WORK, he needs 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night!" on threads like this. I go to work after a shit night's sleep with DC all the time - where's my medal?

Babbitywabbit · 19/07/2017 08:12

More fool any woman who has a working life on a par with her husband (ie in terms of hours, responsibilities, stress levels) who accepts a situation where she's doing more than her share of night wakings. Ditto goes for housework.

Fact is though, a far greater proportion of women than men stay at home, or if they do return to work, do part time hours. In those situations (and the OP fits that category) then it seems entirely reasonable to take on the night wakings.

I believe in making things as equitable as possible, which is why I partnered a man who has always pulled his weight at home, and why my working life is on a par with his- I work full time, earn as much as him and have as many work responsibilities. However, I was the one who took maternity leaves and I also chose to work only 3 days a week when the kids were tiny, therefore I did more of the child care related things.

It takes two to make a partnership and I cannot understand for the life of me any woman who facilitates a situation where she's doing far more than her share.

BasketOfDeplorables · 19/07/2017 08:14

How is everyone so confident that there's nothing wrong with an 18 month old? They can't really tell you. Could be coming down with something - my DD often has a bad night but isn't visibly coldy until the following day. Could be teething - my wisdom teeth certainly kept me awake in pain, so the back molars must be awful. Could have woken from a nightmare and can't get back to sleep, could just be an overactive brain working on all the stuff they're learning.

AutumnMadness · 19/07/2017 08:19

Babbitty, I know, I am such a fool for not discovering how to make my husband lactate. I should have bloody known - as a woman, I am totally responsible for my husband's behaviour, including the biological functioning of his nipples.

Babbitywabbit · 19/07/2017 08:26

Oh give over autumn. I bf 3 babies (including keeping going after returning to work, because my first ML was only 3 months.) Of course if you're going to bf directly from the breast then the mother is the only person who can do that one task.

Not relevant in this case- the OP is describing choosing to stay awake with a perfectly well 18 month old. And bf has no relevance to women who hold down high powered careers yet bizarrely continue to do more than their share of housework.

There is far more choice here than some women care to admit. Sadly some women embrace martyrdom; some women are very possessive over time at home with the children (shared parental leave is now an option- so why is the take up so depressingly low?)
It doesn't need to be like this. Women can have greater equality than many of them currently do- but it means not facilitating unfair behaviour from your partner, and it also means being prepared to do your share of WOH too

minipie · 19/07/2017 08:37

Oh god we had a dreadful 18 month sleep regression. Only a few weeks but it was hell.

And yes we shared the wake ups, regardless of working status. Looking after a grumpy tired toddler (plus older kids too) is just as hard as most jobs.

So YANBU to expect him to share the wake ups. 2am does sound early but I don't know how much sleep your DH had had by that point, if he'd had 4/5 hours then yanbu.

However YABU to give her a banana. Look up 18 month sleep regression!

FindingNormal · 19/07/2017 08:40

Wow there are some harsh mums in here. For what it's worth I don't think the op meant she thought 2am counted as early morning- just was filling us in on how their partnership tends to work with him doing the mornings in the main. I wouldn't leave my daughters to cry in the night for 4 hours either but maybe I'm a terrible mother too. Going out to work is easier than looking after kids when knackered so she deserves sleep too and they should share the pain x

minipie · 19/07/2017 08:41

Those berating the OP for staying up with DD - when our DD went through the 18month sleep regression, we had to stay with her or she'd scream for hours. Which would have kept everyone in the house awake including other DC (and our neighbours too). Far more sensible to take turns keeping her quiet so the others could sleep, until the phase passed. It's not always about martyrdom or pandering.

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 19/07/2017 09:06

Nobody suggested leaving DD for 4 hours to cry

Pp suggested going in a laying her back in her bed until she settled.

BasketOfDeplorables · 19/07/2017 09:08

But surely that's what OP would have done if it was likely to work.

AutumnMadness · 19/07/2017 09:51

Babbitty, yes it's all about women 'choosing'. Nothing to do with men's choices. Women are responsible for men's choices. It's the woman's job to make sure that her man pulls his weight.

Only when she tries to do exactly that as OP is doing, she is clearly being unreasonable. Women can't win, can they?

AutumnMadness · 19/07/2017 09:53

Basket, exactly my thoughts. Surely the OP is not 'choosing' to stay up for hours just for kicks, and that if something else worked, she would have done it.

MrsOverTheRoad · 19/07/2017 10:02

Mini all babies are different. There's nothing offical about

"The 18 month regression"

People use shite like that to sell books.

Alexkate2468 · 19/07/2017 10:04

I'm so shocked at the amount of comments about men and work and needing sleep. Sleep deprivation is horrendous. I've been ill recently with ulcers, swollen glands and a horrible outbreak of eczema all because of sustained lack of sleep. I'm exhausted. I'm a stay at home mum but barely functioning. Why should a man not help out when is child won't sleep? No wonder women suffer pnd. I know this child is 18 months old but lack of sleep is still horrendous no matter the age of your child. My dh tries to help me without me even asking (it's just that Ds is breastfed and refuses a bottle in the night and really won't settle) and fully expects to do his share. 2am isn't morning, I agree, but OP does need to sleep at some point. Parenting is 50/50.

caffeinestream · 19/07/2017 10:11

Could you not just leave her in her cot with toys/books?

I know she's young and you want her to sleep but so long as she's not crying/scream if I don't think there's any need for you to stay with her, or indulge her with a banana at midnight or similar.

If she can't sleep and isn't bothering anyone, let her play in her cot. She'll doze off eventually.

Original poster

Raaaaaah · 19/07/2017 10:12

I was meaning that 2am was morning time . Even I'm not that conditioned to lack of sleep. I was saying that he usually does early wakes (i.e. 5am onwards) because he wants to. I was trying to recognise what he does do.

As it transpires he managed 30mins up with her then I was up again until 4:15 when I finally got her to sleep.

OP posts:

Original poster

Raaaaaah · 19/07/2017 10:14

The first bit was supposed to say wasn't morning time! Sleep addled I tell you!

Oh and she was crying and screaming. Believe me as a Mum of three kids I don't jump to the merest whinge.

OP posts:

brotherphil · 19/07/2017 10:15

Definitely agree parenting should be 50/50 - on what ever of arrangement 50/50 works for the couple. And men aren't fainting blossoms that can't handle broken sleep: between the three of them, I don't think I got an unbroken night's sleep until our oldest was 10, and on more than one occasion I've stood there with the thousand yard stare whilst someone twitters "is Daddy doing some baby sitting?" and I'm not even particularly clear what day of the week it is. Partnership means partnership. (And brexit apparently means brexit, whatever that is, but that's another matter).

notomatoes · 19/07/2017 10:17

I'm so shocked at the amount of comments about men and work and needing sleep.

I wouldn't be if I were you. Every time there is a thread like this the majority of posters start attacking the OP for daring to need sleep herself. The man works hard full time to provide for her and should never be disturbed during the night, not matter how desperate she gets. His sleep is precious and hers is... optional. It's disgusting.

thiswillhavetodo · 19/07/2017 10:17

I think the posts on here saying dp goes to work and op is just SAHM is a bit unfair - as pp have said - taking care of children at home is still WORK! I don't think you were being unreasonable to ask him to help out with nighttime struggles to give u a break - as a single mum I would love that option!!! (Defo would let him go back to bed for a couple hours before heading off to work tho!! 😉😉)

Original poster

Raaaaaah · 19/07/2017 10:17

Thanks Alex. Yes lack of sleep is horrendous. I didn't realise how bad until we had our third child,

DP has had a full nights kip every night since we have had children. Needless to say I haven't despite still having to get up and look after everyone. I think I have answered my own question. No I wasn't unreasonable .

OP posts:

Original poster

Raaaaaah · 19/07/2017 10:25

It is still making me chuckle that people think that I would be up with her if she was happily playing and chatting to herself in her cot!

For everyone worried about poor DP, he was fine. He had half an hour awake time but other than that got 9 hours sleep. He then took himself off to the gym whilst I got everyone up, fed, dressed and out of the door on two hours sleep.

OP posts:

ThursdayLastWeek · 19/07/2017 10:26

Our 16mo has been behaving similarly this last week - the night before last was awake between 1.30 & 4

DH was snoring off the Richter scale so I took one for the team and dealt with DS that night, but last night made it very clear I wasn't getting up in the night! Taking it it turns works for us, we do it with breakfast time too.

I hope your DD is ok today?
I loathe the nights where you have to put in loads of effort, but sometimes getting up over and over and over to settle them just isn't an option.

Original poster

Raaaaaah · 19/07/2017 10:28

welshweasle I was hanging for sleep. She had been up for 6hrs! I thought she might be unwell. So yes I tried everything to try and get some sleep. As I said before I am not one to rise to every noise and believe me it is not usual for her to have banana, milk and water. I was desperate and quite honestly did not know what to do!

OP posts:

caffeinestream · 19/07/2017 10:29

To be fair, you didn't say she was crying and screaming in your OP, just that she wasn't happy. To some people, that's whimpering to herself as opposed to full-on screaming.

So no, YANBU to expect your DP to get up in the night, but how an earth has it's gotten to the point where it's never happened? I can understand you needing to be there if you're BF, but surely at some point he's had to get up if one/more of them was sick, or because they've screamed enough to wake the neighbours?

Why haven't you made him get up before now?

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