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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleep, so I quite possibly am

128 replies

Raaaaaah · 19/07/2017 02:15

So DD 18 months has been up since 10:00 and is still not happy. She has had calpol, cuddles, banana and water and she isn't unwell. I've been up with her until now, lying on her floor, holding her in my arms etc.

I've just woken DP up so I can get a couple of hours sleep. He is pissed off. He works and I am a SAHM with two older children. I usually do all wake ups and have done with all of them but he is really good at early mornings as he is a bit of an early bird. Was I unreasonable to wake him? I think the thunder would have even if I didn't Grin.

OP posts:
welshweasel · 19/07/2017 07:17

No I wouldn't have woken DH, but then there is no way in hell I'd have sat up with a well 18 month old for 4 hours either! Or fed them banana or water.

kaytee87 · 19/07/2017 07:20

But yeah if ds was really unsettled one night I'd have just brought him in the bed to cuddle then I could get some sleep at the same time. No way would I be out of bed for 4 hours over night.

eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 19/07/2017 07:24

hell no to the staying with her for 4 hours for no reason, if my dd is trying that I leave her to cry for 10 minutes and then she realises there is no gain so gives in. 4am would have been reasonable though

MargotLovedTom1 · 19/07/2017 07:24

Does your 1 year old nap through the day Kaytee?

AutumnMadness · 19/07/2017 07:26

God, it really does piss me off how sacrosanct male sleep is for people. The woman has to take care of THREE children on her own! I work in a demanding professional job full time and would not in a million years say that being a SAHM to three young children is easier. Not until they are ALL in school. The woman needs sleep too. She has probably not slept for years with all those kids. And the bloke probably had the first broken night for ages. So what that he works full time? Lots and lots and lots of women work full time and do all the night wakings, and nobody thinks they should get a medal.

And to all those astonished that the OP would "pander" to an 18 month old: she was probably doing her best to keep her quiet so her husband and older children would not be disturbed.

TittyGolightly · 19/07/2017 07:31

Not a chance I'd cuddle DD for 4 hours in the middle of the night if there was nothing the matter and she just wouldn't sleep

Change the DD to DP. Would you still say it?

My DD went through a massive language development leap at around this age that disrupted her sleep. Could be that?

TaggieRR · 19/07/2017 07:32

To be fair the op hasn't said if the older children are at school? In which case it isn't so hard being a SAHM after a bad night's sleep. Presumably the child will crash at some point so OP can rest then?

kaytee87 · 19/07/2017 07:33

Yes margot and what of it? If you're saying I 'should sleep when baby sleeps' I've never been able to sleep during the day, usually do housework and prepare dinner during this time. Also my husband has no problem getting up to see to his son during the night. On the whole he sleeps well and if he's very unsettled he comes in with us.

TaggieRR · 19/07/2017 07:34

That's interesting Titty. From 18 months to 26 months my DC1 was up in night for a couple of hours, or up at 5 for day. Then suddenly snapped back to normal. Always wondered why. Her language development was massive during this time. Wonder if it was linked.

TheVanguardSix · 19/07/2017 07:34

If you're a SAHM, don't wake your working DH. You can nap later in the morning. He can't.

I had terrible sleepers but none of mine ever pulled a 4 hour stay-and- play with me in the room. This could become a habit. Could I suggest you drop one daytime nap if she's having two? What time are you putting her down for bed in the evening? Too early perhaps?

TaggieRR · 19/07/2017 07:37

And Kaytee- surely you had the luxury of choice. You could have rested when child slept, housework could have been left for a bit/ quick dinner made etc.

wowbutter · 19/07/2017 07:37

I wouldn't cuddle anyone for hours on end through the night. Fuck that.
Unless there is illness, or mitigating circumstances... you go to sleep.

I do think you should have left her to sleep, because having been given attention, food, cuddles, sleep is the boring option, isn't it?

"It's nighttime sweetheart" and repeat.

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 19/07/2017 07:38

Change the DD to DP. Would you still say it?

Yes, I would. I wouldn't feed him banana and bring him water either.

Ecureuil · 19/07/2017 07:38

You can nap later in the morning. He can't

How do you know? She says she has 2 older children. I have a 3 year old and 2 year old, both dropped their nap very early (DD1 dropped her nap the month DD2 was born) so i never got to catch up on sleep in the day.

kaytee87 · 19/07/2017 07:39

taggie we're perfectly happy with the way things are in our house thanks. Dh gets weekends away with friends and plenty of lie ins at the weekend so he's certainly not hard done by he just likes to be as involved with his sons care as possible when he's home.

acquiescence · 19/07/2017 07:40

I think it depends on the plans for the next day and the older two children. If they are school age that yabu, your dd will be tired today after not sleeping bad you can nap together. If your other children are pre school age, say aged 3 and 4 and don't nap then you're not being that unreasonable, depending on what you requested from your husband when you woke him. If you just asked for an hour or so to sleep then fair enough. If you expected him to stay up all night from 2am yabvu.

TheVanguardSix · 19/07/2017 07:42

I wanted to add though, DH could do night wakings on the weekend. There should be some form of give and take in this area. I don't know if you've been going through a period of poor sleep. Having kids IS pretty much years of poor sleep but I'm talking about really terrible sleep- I crown myself queen of the non-sleepers. DC3 didn't sleep through the night until nearly 3 and it has ravaged me. Although I never did a 4 hour stretch like you have (that's tough!), I was just up and down, up and down, inside out and upside down 9-10 times a night. Dreadful. Dreadful. Mental illness-inducing stuff. And he dropped all naps before 18 months. Ugh. I feel ill just recalling it.

So it's important that this doesn't become a habit, first and foremost. Secondly, catch up on your sleep on the weekends when DH is more available and doesn't have to work all day, next day. Good luck!

MrsOverTheRoad · 19/07/2017 07:42

I think your problem is all the faffing about and laying on the floor with her. Put her back to bed.

This!

Don't be giving her banana!

If she's got a wet nappy or is sick, then sort that out but don't feed a toddler solids in the middle of the bloody night!

TheVanguardSix · 19/07/2017 07:43

Ecureuil you're right. I don't know. My two older are in school, so I've made an assumption that hers are as well. But I wasn't thinking. Sorry OP. Didn't mean to come across as presumptuous.

DoubleCarrick · 19/07/2017 07:49

Have you guys ever woken up hungry? Ds is up generally twice a night at the minute and each time he wakes me, the second I'm awake my tummy is rumbling like crazy!

I feel your pain op. Ds has just gone through two weeks of being being awake from 4am-6am. I just bring him into bed with me, feed him and try to ignore him smacking me in the face

Ecureuil · 19/07/2017 07:49

Having said the above, I have 2 awful sleepers (DD2 sleeps through now at 2 but DD1 still doesn't consistently sleep through at 3.5) but I would never have given a banana (or any other food) in the night. I leave water next to their beds. I've done a few nights sleeping on their floors but only when they're ill, otherwise I just put them back in bed (over and over sometimes) and tell them it's sleep time.
DH does his fair share of night wakings despite me being a SAHM, as I'd be broken otherwise after 3.5 years.

Babbitywabbit · 19/07/2017 07:49

It's nothing to do with the fact the OP is a woman. If the genders were reversed I'd still say the SAHP is unreasonable for wanting to wake up the parent who has to function at work the following day.

I've been home with 3 under 5s and it's a damn sight easier when you've had a broken night than being a WOHP. Worst case scenario is you organise a low key pyjama day on the sofa, giving the kids a sandwich for lunch and having toys and dvds to hand. If the older kids have school or nursery then you have to get them there, but it's more likely to be a 9am start and early finish rather than long working hours. And most importantly you don't have to engage in sensible adult conversation, run meetings, meet deadlines or come up to any other work related expectations.
Obviously you wouldn't want pyjama days every day as a SAHP but you have the choice to do it once in a while after a bad night.... as long as you keep all 3 kids alive, no one gives a monkeys how much effort you've put into the day or will measure your outcomes.

Having said all that the issue here with the OP is that she's chosen to sit up half the night with a toddler who is perfectly well

Babbitywabbit · 19/07/2017 07:53

Ps when I was at home dh and I shared night waking at weekends which seems fair and sensible. But any night waking during the week, I dealt with for the reasons above.
If dh had been a SAHP then he'd have done them. When I returned to work after each ML, we split them on nights where we both had work next day, though I only worked 3 days when the kids were pre school age so I did any night time stuff when it was a day off the following day

53rdWay · 19/07/2017 07:59

Sleep can go weird around 18 months. We had a few utterly hellish weeks around that age. Always assumed it was a language/developmental leap of some sort.

I don't think you were unreasonable to wake your husband up to take over for a while. You do need SOME sleep to function! Unless he's got the kind of job where lack of sleep could be massively dangerous, like a pilot or surgeon or suchlike, then it isn't fair for him to expect you to do 100% of all night wakings on worknights. Even if he does, he should be doing some night wakings on days when he's not working.

AutumnMadness · 19/07/2017 08:01

Babbitty, it has everything to do with gender. As I already said, lots and lots of women wake up in the night with children for years and then have to engage bin adult conversation and important meetings at a full time job during the day. And it is just considered normal and women are just expected to get on with it. But when a woking man had to get up (once in a blue moon, mind you, not regularly!), a press conference is called.