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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not understand why some parents get so scared

216 replies

TwentyYears · 18/07/2017 12:03

Why do parents of boys get so scared of giving them something they perceive may be 'girly'? What are they scared might happen?

Yesterday passed on a toy to a friend's DS, age 3 ish, that was branded with what I think is a character. Parent sees it as a girls character and was worried about DS's reaction!!!! DS loved it.

See this sort of thing happen all the time. School friends come to play and I can lay money on fact boys will say either 'Oh DD doesn't have girls toys' or (standing in front of science equipment) 'I don't play with girl's toys'. Once saw another 3yr old try to dress up in his sister's pink skirt and DF went crazy at him.

Feeling really sorry for boys at the mo. Why do parents think boys are in danger from 'girls stuff'? And what do they think would happen if they played with it?

(Name changed to post as have tried to ask this in RL but it seems to cause offence)

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 18/07/2017 22:03

Oh gosh I'm a lesbian - a lesbian who fancies men! Or am I a gay man born into a woman's body ? Confused If only my mum had insisted on painting my nails and had made me play with dolls.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 18/07/2017 22:03

Break it to them gently not

Grin
Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 18/07/2017 22:04

barbarian

It might not be too late...or do you think there is a time limit

Atenco · 18/07/2017 22:07

My worst experience of these weird parents was some forty years ago working in a toyshop. A poor wee lad, who must have been about two came in with his mother. He went running to a toy pram, his mother takes him away, then he ran to a doll and now the mother was starting panic, then I think he wanted a dolls house. I lost sight of them after that until they went to pay. She had bought him a toy submachine gun.

BarbarianMum · 18/07/2017 22:07

Well two babies later and i still don't want to wear skirts and read Elle, so I don't think a doll is going to cut it. I'm soooo confused Grin

BubblesBubblesBubbles · 18/07/2017 22:13

It's quite rife in the area I live in. Girls must wear pink and boys must wear blue Hmm some of the comments At a baby group I went to once were very very odd.

My pushchair was purple when I was pregnant and found out I was having a boy I was always being asked when I was buying a more boyish colour. Ffs it's purple. Not exactly offensive. And to be fair the little monkey never spent any time in it as he hated the bloody thing.

My son loves pink, dresses up as a princess, has his nails painted like mummy and his sister. Also he plays with dolls. He also loves cars/dinosaurs/trains. He's non plussed by what he plays with. He also loves playing kitchen and making me mud pies. His sister loves any colour plays within form of toy. I have never tried to let them play with 'gender' stereotype toys.

Once we visited my gran and I'd painted both of their nails - I think they were a turquoise colour, anyway According to my gran he must be 'one of them' one of what I asked her? She looks Around to make sure no one is listening 'a gay/likes the wrong sort' my response was he's a fucking toddler who has no concept of sexuality he just wanted to be like me and his sister. I then got told of for swearing. Bloody idiot Angry

BlurryFace · 18/07/2017 22:25

Two boys here, we have a pink slide (cheapest one only came in pink), pink toy kitchen (same reason as the slide). DS1 likes to strut about in my heels and once tried to make me get him sparkly pink trainers (the price made me say no). The men I know who had older sisters spent at least some time being dressed as princesses and having clips put in their hair.Grin

Other than froofy dresses for naice occasions much of my wardrobe growing up was hand me downs from my mum's friend's sons. Of course, I was a tomboy, something which is OK. Unfortunately there isn't an acceptable equivalent for young boys who want to wear hand me down skirts.

Yokohamajojo · 19/07/2017 10:05

Isn't it telling though Fuckle that boys can play with dolls but only if they are scary, super heroes or army dolls? Or is it just because they are not called dolls that they are acceptable for boys to play with

What is playmobile or lego if not little people that you make up pretend lives and worlds for? what is the difference really?

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 19/07/2017 10:38

BroomstickOfLove

I'm not trying to erase gender lines. I'm accepting that a love of shiny sparkly things is normal for both male and female toddlers, a curiosity about the world is normal for both male and female toddlers, strong sexual feelings are normal in both male and female teenagers and an ability to cook, clean, budget, do basic household maintenance and deal with spiders is normal for both male and female adults.

Exactly.

It's my opinion that the people who worry about their sons playing with girls toys are just thick as shit. I've based this opinion on the people I know so it's not very scientific, sorry.

Notreallyarsed · 19/07/2017 11:11

Rufustherenegadereindeer1

he was howling laughing when I told him!

Rufus27 · 19/07/2017 11:50

Fuckleberry
boasting that people mistake them for female

If that's aimed at me, then I can assure you it wasnt a 'boast'. What a bizarre way to think! I was simply commenting that the small pink comforter is still enough to make people assume DS is a girl, despite him looking very much like a boy and wearing traditionally boys' clothes.

RhodaBorrocks · 19/07/2017 11:54

I was in Tesco perusing the bubble bath when a couple with a toddler (boy) came along. The boy wanted to choose a pink bubble bath but the parents wouldn't let him as it was a girls one! He had a full on tantrum about it. It's bubble bath ffs

OMG I've just realised DS has bright pink shower gel - the horror! I didn't even think about it when I bought it for him - it's Strawberry scented (his favourite). Better whip it out of the bathroom quickly so he doesn't get the gay seeping into his pores!

DF's favourite colour is purple. He was the youngest of a pack of boys and his DM actually taught him how to do hair/make up/nails as he liked to help her do hers. He's painted my nails in the past, done mine and my DMs toes when we were pregnant and even helped me dye my hair as a teenager. He's definitely not gay, but he was a superhero Dad to a young me. He also encouraged my love of computers, science and tech from a young age and builds meccano with DS now.

In my home as a small girl it was not seen as weird that I had a train set and stacks of Lego alongside my barbies. DSis had dinosaurs and a black baby doll that got many dirty looks and comments when she took it everywhere as DSis was the blondest, blue eyed white kid in existence. Neither of us are gay.

I never thought of my DParents as that progressive, but evidently they were as they've set me up for allowing DS to play with what he wants (which at the moment is so much sodding lego that we're having to remodel his room to accommodate it all).

I just don't understand how people think things are what makes you gay, not feelings. Homosexuality occurs in nature and animals don't have gendered items to 'make' them gay. As humans we always want to find a cause for things, particularly if we think something is 'wrong', why can't we just accept that sometimes something just 'is'. This insistence that boys and girls must like different things as otherwise they may end up gay or trans reinforces rigid gender roles and could actually lead to more confusion. My DS was very confused a few years back - he knew he loved 'girly' things so he thought he should become a girl. But he also knew he didn't want to stop dressing like a boy, didn't want to get rid of his genitals and got very upset because he didn't know how he could forward both things. He thought he had to get rid of something - either his identity as a boy or his toys. I had to explain to him it's fine to just like things and it doesn't mean a thing about who he is as a person. When he understood that it was like a weight off his shoulders. He stopped talking about killing himself because he stopped thinking he was wrong.

Now he knows it's OK to just like what he likes he is happy and more confident. Where did his confusion come from - the kids with rigid gender stereotypes at school, the one who use 'gay' as an insult, claimed that even being in the proximity of certain things would make you gay, and shouted down anyone who appeared even slightly different. Until those kids started trying to force gender roles on the whole class, DS wasn't confused in the slightest. Where did they get their ideas from? Home mostly, with one child claiming their Dad did some pretty inappropriate things to 'toughen them up'. Shock

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2017 16:30

Fuckleberry are you trying to tell me that you think nail polish can 'turn' your son gay? Because if so, there's no point in me arguing with you here.

And you do know that camp and gay are different things, right? You can have camp straight people (I know quite a few). None of my camp friends (gay or straight) see their lives as sad and full of hardship, but then perhaps you aren't too au fait with the lives of modern gay guys.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/07/2017 16:40

I am gobsmacked that a person could think that wearing nail polish can change a person's sexuality. It's so incredibly stupid that I would wonder how that person manages to walk around safely every day.

EwanWhosearmy · 19/07/2017 19:34

I find this whole attitude really weird. I had 4 DC in the late 80s/early 90s. They had all different sorts of toys and in those days toys came in one colour; the coupe car was red, Lego was primary colours, desks were brown (or white). All their friends were brought up in a similar way and any girl stuff/boy stuff was firmly stamped on.

In the intervening years the pink for girls/blue for boys has increased and become even more polarised. When DD2 was born in 2007 I was horrified to find that baby clothes were blue, pink or white. Gone were the lovely colours I dressed her sister and brothers in. Toy manufacturers have latched onto it too and now make plastic toys in pink or blue.

Where has this come from?

anniroc · 19/07/2017 19:43

Oh I think my favourite all-time post on a Facebook selling page was: 'Looking for a changing bag. For a boy'.HmmConfused

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