... to want a baby at 20?

[broodynotbonkers]

This is my first post on Mumsnet so please be kind!

I'm 20 and have lived with DP (31) for over two years now. We're very committed to each other and have been from the start. He's loving, mature, trustworthy, kind and funny - I would say yes if he proposed, in other words. We both work full time but I don't earn a great amount.

I've spent the past year feeling really broody and keen to get married. I've always wanted to have children pretty young. He knew this when we started going out. I come from a small family and so does he, so we want at least two kids.

However while DP wants kids with me one day, I don't think he'll ever be 'ready' for them. I know it's technically still early days in the relationship but he was with his ex for about 9 years without proposal/marriage - I don't want that! I wouldn't break up with him over it but we'd be having a very serious chat about where the relationship was heading.

I understand that having kids is a huge decision and I've never looked after a baby or child before, so I have no idea what it would be like (difficult, I'm assuming!) but I just can't help it! Some days I just can't get the idea out of my head.

If I accidentally became pregnant, he's said he'd support whatever decision I make. He'd be alright with it, even if it's not ideal. (I'd never pierce a condom or anything btw, I'd only want to try to conceive with his acceptance!)

My head says it's a bad idea as I'm too young, not married and living in a small rental flat in an urban area, which is not the sort of place I envisioned raising a child.
My heart says baby baby baby

Apologies for rambling, I just want to know AIBU for wanting a baby or am I just impatient? Is it something I should consider seriously, or should I tell the broodiness to just get lost?

A friend of mine has been in a relationship with a man 10 years her senior for a long time, they started dating when she was 16 and he was 26.

Roll on 11 years, she's 27 and ready for a baby, marriage etc. and he is still a very immature 37 year old. He's been promising her a baby for a few years now but it's not happened, he keeps making ridiculous excuses about waiting and i'm scare for her, because I don't think he will ever be ready (they own their own home, good jobs, travelled the world etc etc).

It's a really sad situation, i really hope you don't end up in her position.

If you can afford it, go for it

There are swings and roundabouts regarding age for having children. I am in my late 30s and have friends my age with babies and others with grown up children. It doesn't really matter as long as you are happy with your choice.

What does matter and will make a huge difference to your long term happiness is your preparation and situation. Ask yourself some very deep questions and be honest in your answers. Ask whether this man really is your lifelong partner, ask yourself whether you both want the same things, not just now but in 10, 20, 30 years from now, ask whether you have the same views on building a family and raising children, on religion, on marriage, on work and money.

Then do not think about trying to get pregnant until you have enough money saved to maintain your income through maternity leave and have a plan for what happens after maternity leave. Also ensure that you are either married or have had legal advice and drawn up a co-habitation agreement to give you equivalent rights over the assets.

Finally I would strongly advise getting out of your current job and into one with prospects and a good future before you get pregnant. It is far easier to retrain when you have few other responsibilities and you want a job that will pay enough to fund childcare with money left over so that you have your independence. A job you will be happy to continue with until you are in your sixties. Too many women see motherhood as a way of getting out of an unsatisfactory job and it leaves them very vulnerable.

Remember that you need to be prepared to support yourself and your children alone should you need to. This doesn't mean relying upon family as they may no longer be around, it means having capacity to earn your keep.

When all of the above is in order if you still feel broody then if you still believe your OH is the one then go for it.

It's fine for him to want to hold off on marriage, especially when you're only 20. It's the dangling stuff in front of you that's problematic, saying it'll happen when you're tidier or less moody, rather than when you're a bit older or have put certain things in place like buying a house or whatever.

^^^

What Wankyouforthemusic said.

Holding off on marriage is absolutely legitimate, no rush, better be sure etc.

However the way he's doing it - saying he won't marry you until you've improved yourself to meet his requirements - is the mark of an arrogant, patronising, unpleasant dick head, not someone secretly worried that you'll leave him!

Don't have a baby with him, not because 20 is too young but because your baby deserves a dad who will love them and their mother for who they are, not see them as not quite good enough for him to commit to.

Try being single through choice for a year and relying on yourself alone, it's empowering and freeing and might well boost your self esteem.

You've never been single as an adult - I'm not talking about clubbing and travelling, but living alone and being utterly responsible for yourself (bills, dealing with landlord, deciding what to prioritise and whether you want to be tidy or messy, but also for your own happiness, without relying on or placitating anyone else).

I'm also stunned at the bare faced cheek of a man in his late 20s who moves a (then) teenager in and then criticises her for being immature!

Do not change for him in order to get married/have a baby, you simply won't be able to sustain it, you'll be mentally exhausted from trying to do all these changes to please him, it will implode, and you'll end up a young single parent, with this dick in your life forever.

I had DS at 20, my H wanted me to change - to be tidier, less "moody" (by which he meant "less strong willed so I can mould you into being who I want you to be without a fight", etc. and he'd use his "secret insecurities" to manipulate me into doing what he wanted. Obviously we are no longer together and I seriously regret marrying him.

He doesn't want to marry you, if he did he would have proposed rather than stringing you along with the "I'll propose in the winter" and you shouldn't be "trying to get him to put a ring on it". Find someone who loves you for you, for all your supposed flaws and doesn't try to change you.

Your partner sounds awful. Besides the controlling and patronising, your first post reads as though he doesn't want a baby anyway? If that's the case then I feel like your problem is sort of solved?

I know that at 20 you feel really grown up and mature (I was exactly the same) but really it's no age at all.

I'd sit down and talk about 5 year plan tbh. When you would like to be married by, when you want to start children. I'd also be looking together at a financial plan - time is on your side, get some savings so you can buy baby things without worrying etc.

I hope this will have given you pause for thought OP. I suspect there's more than just the snippet of horrible things he has said to you too.

It doesn't sound like he wants to marry you or have a baby with you.

I suspect if you did have a baby now you would end up a single parent at some point. Is that what you really want for your children? Why not wait and ensure a secure future for them?

I can only recommend having a baby with someone who very much wants one and very much wants to be with you forever. That is the starting point for me. Accidents happen but while you have the choice that is the choice you should be making.

Accidents on purpose in relationships are the lowest of the low.

Regarding the age thing, that's your choice. A baby at 20 is not something I'd want for me or my daughters.

Had my oldest at 21. Had just left university and gotten married. Best thing I ever did. Now I'm in my early 40s with so much energy and drive. She's 21. However I can't imagine her having a baby at this age and nor can she.

It was right for me but isn't right for her so it depends. From your mindset I'd say go for it however be prepared to be a bit isolated from mummy friends as most will be alot older than you and perhaps a tad judgey as a result.

Sorry posted too soon. You do need a good support network at such a young age.. I had my husband and both families behind me which made a world of difference. As a bare minimum, you need a partners support.

Write yourself a little life plan covering work, home, your relationship and hopes for a family.

in 5 years time I want to ...........

Then think about what YOU have to do to achieve your plan, sounds to me as though you have lots of ambitions and hopes for the future but are in a relationship with someone who likes things just the way they are.

If he was to write himself a 5 year plan what do you think he would say, how would it match yours.

Looking at things from his point of view. " My partner is 20 and would like a baby. She does not have 100% commitment to the idea and I worry that she just sees the cuteness and love of baby rather than the reality and hard work. I really do love her but AIBU to wait until she matures a bit more before we commit to bringing a baby into the world?"

May I ask you, @broodynotbonkers, whether that sums his stance at the moment. If so how would you answer him?

I'm 30 and i've just had an unplanned baby. don't get me wrong, it's wonderful. but i'm very, very glad i'm 10 years wiser (and believe me... you do get wiser!), i've had 10 years of young person fun, we've got plenty of money (and that makes a BIG difference... it shouldn't do, but t does!) i'm really grateful we've got very little practical worries. i don't have to go back to work, can buy everything we need. being realistic.. it's important! would your partner support you financially as his equal? more women need to think about this before they have babies judging by the posts I see on here. i did not think about this--- I was just lucky!

you've got plenty of years ahead of you so don't rush it. if you've met the right man at 20 then you are so lucky. but giving it a bit longer/letting him come round to the idea won't do anyone any harm.

also, men are way behind.... they are rarely grown up at 31!

and at 20 it's easy to think you are grown up, i definitely thought i was! it's only now I look back and think

YANBU to have a baby at 20 - I can see loads of advantages. I can also see lots of advantages to having a baby at 45. Im open minded in this respect. Realistically if you have a baby now you have a better chance if a big family if that's what you want also I know someone who had a pregnancy go horribly wrong at 43 the baby died and was told she now couldn't be a mother ever by the doctors. So, trying to conceive at 20 you are not likely to experience problems some experience if they leave it til later in life. I was born to a mother over 40 and while objectively that's fine what I resented was the unspoken pressure on me to have children late. Again, nothing wrong with leaving it until late if it's 100% you choice!! In this day and age when there's pressure on a certain demographic to leave it til late and have a career first though I find the idea of having a baby at 20 a good one!

I.e a good idea and a welcome change!!

Definitely think you should make sure you're with the right person first, but in terms of age I don't think 20 is too young. I had my first at 21, second at 23 and third at 25. I'd been with my now husband for four years and was still at uni. Worked out fine for us, and we love being a young family!

You seem very besotted about marriage and family life.

I am nearly 30 and had my first (DS4) after only two years of relationship.

I don't think you can really put a number of things. I got pregnant and 18, was on a good income, with my partner for 3 years at the time, he was a few years older and also in a good job, but we decided to get an abortion as we wasn't emotionally ready.

I also know people in their 30s who aren't emotionally ready for a child.

Me and my partner (DS4 dad) live together, appear on the outset to be married, but are rather none traditional, we have our own money and careers and don't need to be married from a legal point, and don't want the fanfare of it all either, so have decided that we aren't going to bother. I may possibly hyphenate my surname, as DS4 has DPs name, but it's really not at the top of my to do list..

What makes you want a child and marriage right now? Is it the materialistic aspect of a wedding? Or do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Do you feel like your relationship is going well? Realistically how would adding a baby to the mix and getting marriage change you and your partners relationship? Do you have the income to support yourselves through maternity pay, and then childcare, or for you or him to be a sahp? What about marriage? Do you own a house together? If you "accidentally" got pregnant and then he left you, at some point in the future, would he be able to afford your and your child's upkeep?

I honestly get that your broody and are probably in a totally loving relationship, we are considering a second child at the minute and basically most of those questions apply to me and my DP, despite being a decade older!

Unfortunately I don't think he sounds keen at all. By no means btw am I saying he's not interested in you/doesn't love you etc. Just think maybe he's 'trying to see how long he can put it off for?'
Having said that I got married at 22 bought flat at 23 but then got pregnant, became a single parent to-be and had DS all at 24. So technically speaking I did it all 'the right way' and look where I ended up!! Think you both need a serious think, serious talk and go from there!! (Also - a big believer in there not being a "right" age, it's whenever you are ready)

Good luck!!

Oh dear, there are so many warning signs here
OP, from way you've said, your DP doesn't sound at all ready for marriage or any particular commitment. Although he is 11 years older than you, many men I know were not particularly mature or ready for kids at 31.
Relationships change a lot when babies come along. Even if he is your perfect man, wouldn't you like to enjoy a few years having fun together before your life becomes full of nappies and sleepless nights?
I don't think your young age itself would be a reason not to have a baby, but everything else here just feels wrong. To me it does sound like you don't have much excitement in your life - if giving up your freedom to have a baby with a man you haven't known that long is appealing.
Read a few more threads from struggling parents on Mumsnet and it might be what you need to stop feeling broody!

Thing is OP - if you were a 45 yr old woman I bet the advice on here would more or less be on similar lines - have you thought it through??? Thing is, our grandmothers and possibly great grandmothers were likely having babies at 20 and well into their 40s without a second thought. !!
If this helps, when I was 20 I didn't want to go to uni and get pissed every night I wanted to get mortgage, job and a more adult life iyswim. I went to uni to please my parents it all went wrong a year or so down the line and I ended up with severe depression. Looking back I wish I'd been my own person and did the 20 going on 35 thing of getting a mortgage etc and not going to uni and getting pissed every night cos THAT IS WHO I WAS at the time and I wish I'd had the confidence to be true to myself ....

Most blokes aren't a bit crap op. If anyone accepts a partner's crap behaviours that's very different and definitely not a good foundation to build a family. Lovely as it is, it also bring stress and blokes which are a bit crap either Fuck off or become crapper and crapper.

I had DS at 21, married at 22, still happy together now DS is 17. DH is 22 years older than me. The difference for me is that SH had been married before and had children, who he brought up solo for 10 years, so I knew he was mature and ready for kids. DS was unplanned, but very much wanted once we knew he was on the way. I can't have any more children so I am really lucky that I had him when I did, the chances of ever conceiving were low to start with and I haven't been able to carry a baby to term since (we have lost several babies since).

It's difficult to advise because everyone is different, and times and people change, it's a gamble whenever you have children as to the path you are going to follow and what will happen along the way. I was lucky and the gamble paid off.