... to want a baby at 20?

[broodynotbonkers]

This is my first post on Mumsnet so please be kind!

I'm 20 and have lived with DP (31) for over two years now. We're very committed to each other and have been from the start. He's loving, mature, trustworthy, kind and funny - I would say yes if he proposed, in other words. We both work full time but I don't earn a great amount.

I've spent the past year feeling really broody and keen to get married. I've always wanted to have children pretty young. He knew this when we started going out. I come from a small family and so does he, so we want at least two kids.

However while DP wants kids with me one day, I don't think he'll ever be 'ready' for them. I know it's technically still early days in the relationship but he was with his ex for about 9 years without proposal/marriage - I don't want that! I wouldn't break up with him over it but we'd be having a very serious chat about where the relationship was heading.

I understand that having kids is a huge decision and I've never looked after a baby or child before, so I have no idea what it would be like (difficult, I'm assuming!) but I just can't help it! Some days I just can't get the idea out of my head.

If I accidentally became pregnant, he's said he'd support whatever decision I make. He'd be alright with it, even if it's not ideal. (I'd never pierce a condom or anything btw, I'd only want to try to conceive with his acceptance!)

My head says it's a bad idea as I'm too young, not married and living in a small rental flat in an urban area, which is not the sort of place I envisioned raising a child.
My heart says baby baby baby

Apologies for rambling, I just want to know AIBU for wanting a baby or am I just impatient? Is it something I should consider seriously, or should I tell the broodiness to just get lost?

I had my first at 21 and am now nearly 24 and pregnant with my second. I was alays broody and my DH is 32 so a few years older than me too. I love it, honestly :)

We had also been together a similar amount of time as you when I got pregnant with our daughter, but she was the result of a contraceptive failure - our unwaveringly happy reaction was proof that it was the best thing to happen to us :) DD''s little brother was planned as I also prefer bwing a younger mum and it made sense to have the age gap I wanted.

I am in a junior role on a good career path and can afford to take time off for maternity leave and request flexible part time working while my children are little without feeling that I am sacrificjng/ jeapardising my care error prospects, and don't feel pressure to come back early or work full time when I'm not ready.

Who cares if conventionally people start families when they are a few years older than you. Though I say so myself, I am a good mum to DD and she lives in a happy, stable home filled with patience and care and love. I do not feel I would have anything more to offer her if I had waited to have children, same with her plannew sibling.

Do what's right for you :)

Who would look after the baby when it was born OP? Would you give up work? Could you live on one salary? If you plan to give up work or go part time I'd think very carefully about having a baby without being married. You would be in a very vulnerable position financially. I'd go so far as to say I would refuse to consider children until I was married.

Do you plan to buy a house? If so I'd get that done first. It is much, much harder to save for a deposit and get a mortgage with only one salary and/or childcare costs to consider.

I am 34 with a 12 month old Ds. Looking after him is the hardest thing I've ever done and I have a professional stressful job. Working is much easier!

We had a wedding and honeymoon we could throw money at without feeling guilty, bought our house so that was sorted, saved enough so I could have the full year off and enjoy my mat leave and can afford for me to return to work part time. It's still tough!

I'm not saying you need to be in your 30s but at 20 you still have loads of time. Give it a year or two and reassess. Discus what you want with your partner, get a plan together for how you'll manage financially, get married. You'll enjoy the experience a lot more that way I reckon!

I knew at the age of 20 that I wanted children and my body was broody as hell BUT I knew that at 20 it wasn't the right thing for me to do (DP and I had been together 3yrs by this time). I wanted to get a better paid job and own my own home for a year or so first. I had my DC at 27 and so glad I waited. We were in a better place financially which meant that I could take longer on mat leave and also afford childcare when I went back to work.

It is hard suppressing the broody bug but for me it was well worth the wait

And honestly the carefree and young thing that people often say to young women who want children is really only applicable if thats what you actually want,to do with your time. I was fed up of regular clubbing and wild nights and hangovers by the time I was 19, and, believe it or not, you can still go out and do things as a couple or independent woman when you have a child.

We had DC1 at 19. 17 years on her Dad and me are happily married with four children. Mortgage almost paid off, decent savings etc.
However we were on the same page when I got pregnant, we had already bought the house and knew we wanted to get married and have DC.
I wouldn't like to be starting TTC now at 36, but I wouldn't advise my DC to have children at 19/20 either.

You sound a bit naive and your parterms sounds a bit of a dickhead. I have a feeling he'll leave you once you get older 😯

Sounds like this should be left until you are 25. Still plenty of time to have babies but you will be quite different by then. Which may affect the relationship... If all good and he is definitely willing, spend 20 mins in the reg office before stopping the condoms.

Meantime fill the gap in your life with studying, hobbies etc.

I don't think there's any right age or perfect scenario, and lots of posters have already mentioned marriage etc so I won't repeat. But what I would say is are you happy with the other parts of your life? I don't mean travel etc, you can travel before babies, with babies and after babies, I don't think you have to live your whole life before having children. Do you like your job? Is it fulfilling? Is it challenging? Do you have hobbies? Is there something you've always wanted to learn but haven't got around to?

I only say this because I've been there and thought I'd like a baby because I knew I'd want one one day, with the person I am now married to, and my job was a bit boring, and we didn't live near friends or family, and I thought 'Well, I might as well have a baby now then'. I'm still not pregnant, though at this point not through lack of trying, but I feel I am trying to have a baby because it is what I most want at this point in my life not because other aspects of my life are a bit lacking.

Tbh I wish I'd had ds younger.

One thing I would say is make sure you are married before starting a family or at least get a deed of trust drawn up.

I had my 1st at just turned 22 I hate the assumption of you have your life to live you can travel blah de blah it is the other end agiest as being 50 at the school gates commen.

Op if you and your partner are ready for children start planning but it doesn't sound like he wants a baby this is your issue not how old you are, I am now mid 40s no School children and it is great even if i don't or ever will have a million£ in the bank

I was 20 when I found out that I was pregnant.... I am now 21, and have 8 weeks until our daughter is born. My partner is also 31, and although the pregnancy was not planned, it was very very much wanted.

If it feels right for you both, it's right for you. Ultimately, it will be the 2 of you in this - only you know what is right! Just go with what you feel!

But there's more to being young and having no responsibilities than just drinking anyway Cherries.

It's more about having the freedom to enjoy just pleasing yourself and your partner (keep it clean!).

There isn't one single thing in life that having kids doesn't make harder. She may well want to sit at home curled up with a book instead of going clubbing- but having a whinging toddler that needs running round the park means you can't do that any more than you can stay out until 5am.

On the plus side, having kids young means that you never get used to having your life to yourself in the first place. You don't miss what you've never had.

I'd wait a couple of years. Enough time to get a few really good holidays under your belt!!

Putting it bluntly. Don't do it until you're married.

I would be wary of having babies without being married anyway (due to legal protection it offers - yes, you CAN put all the legalities in place without getting married, but it takes effort and I don't think many unmarried couples actually bother to do it. It's easier to just get married). Also as you've been together a fairly short time and the fact that you were still a teenager when you met would make me doubly wary. Not that there's anything wrong with either of those things. I'm sure many happy couples start this way. It's just that I would be especially wary of having any dc together without being married. I've heard too many horror stories on MN.

But yanbu. I know some younger mums and they seem really together and happy. There's no reason why you can't do a great job and you sound sensible.

Just because someone doesn't want to personally be pushing 50 at the school gates, doesn't mean they are judging anybody who is. The age you want to have children is a personal choice and we all have our own 'cut-off points in our minds. I don't want to be in my 50s at the school-gate, but that may change as I get older. Who knows what will happen around the corner? But, I'd never judge someone who was an older mother, as it's the right choice for them. But, as I've had my first pretty early, I don't want to still have young children and be doing it all again later, having it at both ends of the spectrum so to speak.

20 is young to plan a baby. I had mine at 19 but they wasn't planned. I think you need to spend more time together first, you are at very different stages in your life, and if he wasn't ready after 9 years with his first partner then there is no guarantee he will feel any differently this time around.

*weren't

OP, it's 2017... why don't you propose?

You can see how serious he is about you and at the same time, hopefully get engaged.

Some guys are just really lazy about this stuff.

I can't demand a baby because I don't even know that's 100% what I want (and it wouldn't be fair), and I can't demand marriage because I'll look mental (and it's also not fair). He knows I want to get married but he doesn't see the need.

You sound very young, and very passive, and your DP sounds as if he doesn't think much of you -- is a 31 year old really viewing someone he started living with when they were aged eighteen as 'immature', or does this just suit him because he gets to dismiss your wishes because they conflict with his? (What's 'mental' about wanting to get married?)

If you started living with him at eighteen, I'll assume you were with him even before then, so you were very, very young, and inexperienced in relationship terms. In your shoes, I would be considering the strong statistical likelihood that a relationship formed in your teens will not last, and whether you are prepared and able to bring up a child on your own. In your shoes, I would be focusing on training and getting a better job.

A lot of very young people get pregnant with no husband and no prospects and no decent place to live and it rarely ends well.

If you really want a baby for serious, adult reasons, then get yourself a decent place to live and into a relationship which is stable, and save up some money. Then you can be a really quality person and give the baby what it needs.

Waiting for a baby is just like anything else - deferred gratification and looking forward to something but planning it properly is a higher skill, it makes you a better functioning adult and you are likely to have a happier, easier life than if you act on impulse to serve your immediate desires. You know that is sensible advice. You can feel excitement in the meantime - just like when you book a holiday, but have to wait to actually go on it.

He knows I want to get married but he doesn't see the need.

That in itself is a reason not to have a baby with him now, then.

Childbearing has the potential to impact greatly on a woman's earnings. I've just invoked X*a now, but the reality is that we outearn men as a group, right up to the average age we have our first child. And marriage gives the lower earner more financial security.

I'm not saying never have a baby with him, but wait until you have more financial security yourself: that could look like more qualifications, more savings, more work experience, property, any or all of the above. It would still be a good idea to think seriously about all these things even if you were married, but as you're not and not likely to be, it's even more important.

None of this is to suggest that 20 year olds can't be really good parents, btw. It's not about your innate ability, it's about why the wider society you live in makes this not a very good idea in your circumstances.

@Groupie I don't think it's ageist to say she doesn't want to be 50 at the school gates - some people genuinely want to be younger parents. She wasn't saying you couldn't/shouldn't be a parent that age.

OP - I would say wait.

I second what @Groupie says about your partners attitude - he didn't settle with his ex, then jumps to someone considerably younger? Screams (early) mid life crisis to me.

I've just turned 25 and was just like you when I was 20/21 - I'm the eldest in my family now not to have had a child. My sister found out she was pregnant on her 21st birthday and she was the oldest in our family history - now me! I think this contributes to some feelings of wanting a family early.

But I realised I wanted to enjoy my DH a little more (we'll have been together for 5.5 years and married for 1 year in Aug) and also save. We're in a tiny flat on low wages at the minute, but have managed to save a deposit for a house. Being able to get that out of the way first, because we've not had an accident, has been very helpful.

Your boyfriend was with you when you were 16 and he was 27

And then you moved in with him when you were 17 and he was 29

And he's been married before

And doesn't want children as HE'S too young

I think there are many more interesting things in life that having children with a boyfriend such as you've described

I don't know you but unless you're an arsehole you can do better

OH your DP was 29 (?) when he started dating an 18 year old. That isn't normal.

...yes, you CAN put all the legalities in place without getting married

You can't.

Although that if anything strengthens the point you were making.

I wouldn't because I think you want different things. The "he doesn't think I'm mature enough" stuff would worry me. He should be seeing you as an equal partner.