... to want a baby at 20?

[broodynotbonkers]

This is my first post on Mumsnet so please be kind!

I'm 20 and have lived with DP (31) for over two years now. We're very committed to each other and have been from the start. He's loving, mature, trustworthy, kind and funny - I would say yes if he proposed, in other words. We both work full time but I don't earn a great amount.

I've spent the past year feeling really broody and keen to get married. I've always wanted to have children pretty young. He knew this when we started going out. I come from a small family and so does he, so we want at least two kids.

However while DP wants kids with me one day, I don't think he'll ever be 'ready' for them. I know it's technically still early days in the relationship but he was with his ex for about 9 years without proposal/marriage - I don't want that! I wouldn't break up with him over it but we'd be having a very serious chat about where the relationship was heading.

I understand that having kids is a huge decision and I've never looked after a baby or child before, so I have no idea what it would be like (difficult, I'm assuming!) but I just can't help it! Some days I just can't get the idea out of my head.

If I accidentally became pregnant, he's said he'd support whatever decision I make. He'd be alright with it, even if it's not ideal. (I'd never pierce a condom or anything btw, I'd only want to try to conceive with his acceptance!)

My head says it's a bad idea as I'm too young, not married and living in a small rental flat in an urban area, which is not the sort of place I envisioned raising a child.
My heart says baby baby baby

Apologies for rambling, I just want to know AIBU for wanting a baby or am I just impatient? Is it something I should consider seriously, or should I tell the broodiness to just get lost?

I feel I have undermined my point by using the word "romantic".

If someone told me they might consider marrying me if I sorted out half a dozen aspects of my personality, I'd just tell them to fuck right off.

If I were, say, a heroin addict, and my partner refused to marry me unless I sought treatment for it, then that would be one thing. That's measurable - checking into a clinic is a clear solution. The "faults" he has listed aren't measurable. How are you going to know if you're being tidy to his satisfaction or not? If the house is spotless for a month, and then you drop a sweet wrapper, are you back to square one? Do you have to speak in sweetness and light tones for ever more, or at least until marriage, in case you fail that?

Assuming you aren't a complete slob and psychopath, there will probably be other relationships, where you can be accepted for your faults, which everyone has, and your good qualities, if you are a slob by psycho, then you won't ever meet your partner's demands, so it's lose lose anyway.

You sound as if you're star struck by the first man who has offered you a relationship, so you are not seeing that it's all on his terms.

@badlad Again, you raise a very good point.

His demands aren't unreasonable, but the principle of it is wrong.

He's not the first man to offer me a relationship but I suppose he's the first to offer me love. He does genuinely love me and vice versa. I just couldn't bear the thought of A) losing him and B) making a big mistake. As far as I know, most blokes are a bit crap. Ditching someone who is kind, courteous, smart, funny, mature in most respects and sweet seems like a terrible move.

All right, AnyFucker, I'll have my username back now - go and log in as yourself again.

As far as I know, most blokes are a bit crap. Ditching someone who is kind, courteous, smart, funny, mature in most respects and sweet seems like a terrible move

Jesus Christ...you're talking like you're on the shelf at 20. I was going through boyfriends like water at your age...most of them were perfectly nice people with lots going for them...didn't mean I had to settle for the first one I hooked up with! I ditched plenty of nice, smart, mature, funny guys..for all manner of reasons.

I think you need to work on yourself first and foremost.

You have plenty of time to meet someone else.I think you could view this man very differently in 5 years time.

As far as I know, most blokes are a bit crap. Ditching someone who is kind, courteous, smart, funny, mature in most respects and sweet seems like a terrible move.

Sound like your previous boyfriends had their faults in more obvious ways. Presumably they were much nearer your own age. You partner now is displaying his more subtly and has waited until you are more hooked.

I would ditch someone who made me feel that my personality wasn't good enough for them to marry, without a load of changes.

Badlad is right (the only other thread I remember him on I disagreed completely, but here he is making a very important point).

No matter whether this man is charming and polite generally, he thinks he is out of your league and that he's doing you and your immature messy underconfident in bed ways a massive favour letting you share his bed for now.

He isn't going to marry you because he doesn't see you as his equal. More of a pet...

Given that you accept that you some issues around confidence and you have some concerns about your partner a baby right now really doesn't sound like a great idea.

Why the rush? Why do you have to do it now? I get that you want to but that alone isn't a good enough reason to go ahead.

Take some time, work on yourself, improve your financial position as far as you can. I'm not suggesting you need to become a high flying career woman but I do think you should be able to support yourself independently if necessary.

If your partner is as great as you say then within a couple of years your partner will presumably propose and you can make plans for a baby then. If he doesn't then maybe you need to consider whether he is the right person to start a family with.

I had ds at 19 (one month away from 20) and in some respects I say go for it, for many reasons such as being young and fit. My dp was 35!!!!

Just a note on the age gap ok, I'm now 25 and dp is 41, I'm not ready for another but had a bit of a think the other day that we really should crack on with it. With dp being 41 already I don't want him to be too old when the new baby is older, so today we've decided we need to have another now! I'm not 100% ready, but that's where we're at, so please give it some thought and take it into consideration

I think the fact you are asking yourself these questions means you have a degree of maturity a lot of 20 year-olds don't have.

But I agree with previous posters. I think your focus should be on securing your own house, and making sure you are BOTH ready for this. I had my daughter at 26 but we were trying from the age of 24, we wanted a young family. However, we owned our own home, both had jobs in London and had been through the whole Uni/nightlife scene, so didn't really want a great deal more.

You will have a baby one day, you are still so young. Don't rush these things, because that way leads to resentment on both sides. All the best!

Ugh, not only is this man not going to marry you, it sounds as if he doesn't even like you very much. Run. Quickly.

@BadLad @drinkingtea He's secretly insecure, he has it in his head that I'm inevitably going to leave him because I'm young and decent looking. I don't know how this factors into his reluctance to marry etc. I always reassure him I'm not going anywhere but deep down he doesn't believe it. Also, if the changes he'd asked for weren't already things I'd like to change then maybe I'd feel more apprehensive, but I would quite like to be tidier/less moody/more confident in bed anyway! You must feel like you're talking to a brick wall, apologies if I seem like I'm not taking in your points - I am taking them in!

@formerbabe You've got a point... I feel like I'm on the bloomin shelf sometimes!

@Sunshinegirl82 @jellypi3 you're right, I really ought to be more patient!

And no, most blokes are not a bit crap. There is no need whatsoever to shackle yourself to the first one who comes along, particularly if he is the kind of man who dates women he's too old for and spends his time explaining their perceived faults to them.

Op I was 20 when I fell pregnant with my first. Had him when I was 21. I don't regret it at all. I don't think it's too young but many other people will come along and say you are and that you should go travelling or something first

I don't necessarily think it's too young but you don't sound in a stable relationship. He doesn't sound at all great of really wanting babies and marriage.

If you found yourself on your own in a few years with a small child and no real job prospects how would you manage? We all like to think our relarionships will last but hes shown no desire or commitment that way.

I know some people on mn have been given family houses/ inheritance but that's unusual. i think a single young mum can be a hard place to be.

As far as I know, most blokes are a bit crap.

In the nicest possible way, based on what, OP? On your extensive experience of men before you got together with your partner at 17???

He's secretly insecure, he has it in his head that I'm inevitably going to leave him because I'm young and decent looking. I don't know how this factors into his reluctance to marry etc. I always reassure him I'm not going anywhere but deep down he doesn't believe it. Also, if the changes he'd asked for weren't already things I'd like to change then maybe I'd feel more apprehensive, but I would quite like to be tidier/less moody/more confident in bed anyway!

I think it's perfectly obvious from your posts he not-so-accidentally picked someone very, very young, who can't have had much or any experience of relationships before him, and thinks 'most men are a bit crap' , and thinks he can mould you into his ideal girlfriend without doing anything reciprocal, because, after all, you're too 'immature' to be taken seriously, according to him. He doesn't think you'll leave at all if he did, he'd be taking steps to make sure you were happy.

If I'd of had the choice I'd have had my DD after I had a mortgage, it was hard to save whilst renting, paying childcare etc. I'd have managed it in half the time and I feel it's important to have the security of your own home if possible.

We all have things we'd like to improve about ourselves OP. Wanting to be more confident about our bodies, less moody etc, these are all pretty standard issue. Especially for people who are only just out of adolescence. It's just the way he's holding them over you. It's infantilising. The tidiness would be a reason not to cohabit with someone, but if you're already living with them, you're already putting up with it. So I smell a rat there.

Anyway, don't get pregnant yet. Your circumstances make you too vulnerable if something goes wrong. And that's not a judgement on you. It would be true for most of us in your shoes.

I had twins when i was 22, i wish i had waited, my children are 11 now, i dont think i lived my life enough before they were born. i felt like you op and really wanted a baby.
Having a baby adds so many pressures to a relationship so i recommend being totally secure before going down that route. i was so naive, within weeks of having my twins my partner had started an emotional affair. our relationship changed forever after that. I ended the relationship 3 years ago as i felt i needed to stay for the children.

All of his faults are tiny and minor

They really, really aren't. Don't waste your life on someone who doesn't think you're good enough.

Oh and if he thinks you're immature, wtf was he doing shacking up with a teenager?

He sounds awful.

I would wait. All of your 'quirks' that are putting him off marrying you will likely only get worse when a baby comes along. There will be more mess, you may be more moody due to sleep deprivation and you may be insecure about your pregnancy and post-baby body. If he can't accept you for who you are now, is he likely to once there's a crying, pooping, puking baby on the scene?

You have loads of time still, no need to rush.

I can see me at your age, although I wanted neither marriage nor baby at that stage. Most blokes are not 'a bit crap' but yours is! He may change, but unless he does do not marry or breed with him.

I learned , we split, best for both.

I had my first DD when I was 18 and turned 21 when I was pregnant with my 2nd, I have always been old before my time, but do sometimes wish that I had had them later, I feel like me and OH missed out on travelling together etc and we weren't financially ready for a baby and were living at my mums, but we made it work and are still making it work. And now I am happy that I had my girls young when my eldest is 10 I will be 29, I like that when they are all grown up I will do the things I haven't done in my 20's . Everybody is different, you need to talk to your partner and see how he feels and if you are both ready or not.

Oh dear haha, I came to this post feeling broody and now I feel like the entire MN community reckons I should ditch him!

Which is fine, but I can't get over the thought that perhaps he's sensible to hold off on marriage. Maybe it's him being smart and cautious? I don't know.

Thank you for all of your help btw everyone, I really do appreciate it.