... to want a baby at 20?

[broodynotbonkers]

This is my first post on Mumsnet so please be kind!

I'm 20 and have lived with DP (31) for over two years now. We're very committed to each other and have been from the start. He's loving, mature, trustworthy, kind and funny - I would say yes if he proposed, in other words. We both work full time but I don't earn a great amount.

I've spent the past year feeling really broody and keen to get married. I've always wanted to have children pretty young. He knew this when we started going out. I come from a small family and so does he, so we want at least two kids.

However while DP wants kids with me one day, I don't think he'll ever be 'ready' for them. I know it's technically still early days in the relationship but he was with his ex for about 9 years without proposal/marriage - I don't want that! I wouldn't break up with him over it but we'd be having a very serious chat about where the relationship was heading.

I understand that having kids is a huge decision and I've never looked after a baby or child before, so I have no idea what it would be like (difficult, I'm assuming!) but I just can't help it! Some days I just can't get the idea out of my head.

If I accidentally became pregnant, he's said he'd support whatever decision I make. He'd be alright with it, even if it's not ideal. (I'd never pierce a condom or anything btw, I'd only want to try to conceive with his acceptance!)

My head says it's a bad idea as I'm too young, not married and living in a small rental flat in an urban area, which is not the sort of place I envisioned raising a child.
My heart says baby baby baby

Apologies for rambling, I just want to know AIBU for wanting a baby or am I just impatient? Is it something I should consider seriously, or should I tell the broodiness to just get lost?

[PolarBearGoingSomewhere]

I wouldn't choose to try for a baby without being married - or having equivalent protections in place eg wills and being NOK on workplace pension / death in service benefits. It won't get any easier to save a deposit with a child, and if you want more than one child it's potentially 6 or 8 years with a preschool kid(s), lower incomings (or higher outgoings for childcare).

Saving heavily now, and having a cheap wedding in a couple of years before ttc would be my priorities.

[Decaffstilltastesweird]

You're right wank. Sorry, "...you CAN put certain legalities in place which might go some way to protect yourself and your child(ren)...".

[WankYouForTheMusic]

Are there any qualifications you might be interested in doing OP? You said no university but obviously that's not the only way to study. Or is there much chance of progress in a different job?

[Nelly5678]

I was 16 when I wanted one, fell pregnant at 17 and here I am at 18 and couldn't be happier. Father is no longer on the scene but more baby for me. Yes it's hard but it has its ups and downs and with the support it sounds like you have you'd be fine. People have kids much younger than 20 and have done throughout history so if I were you I'd have a chat with your partner and be honest with him about it

[teaandtoast]

For me, the crucial thing here is your job. I would suggest that you find a better paid job with chances of promotion. If it's interesting as well, fantastic!

It's crucial, imo, because it will support you if you have a baby and split up and it may help address what I see as a power imbalance in your relationship. Ime, he who pays the piper calls the tune. You'll have a chance at calling the tune yourself with a decent job.

Good luck.

[WankYouForTheMusic]

May I ask nelly, do you have support from family? Are you able to study? Hope you are able to access FE!

[RhubardGin]

You sound very naive and immature.

He also doesn't sound very committed to you.

Having a baby without being married is risky, it leaves you in an extremely vulnerable position.

From your posts I think a baby would be a terrible idea.

[tararabumdeay]

Buy a house first. Work like Billyo (two jobs if necessary) for a couple of years - that'll test his commitment. Then, a week after you move in book a small wedding.

If I'd have done that before having 1st at 25 I/we would own a house outright now. Instead I have paid for the house we live in over 20 years, but it always has, and always will be rented.

I will have to pay rent; support a disabled and deteriorating DH; live on benefits when I finally retire as my pension alone is not enough.

The worst thing is that I see my colleagues helping their children get on to the property ladder now and I can't help my 2 one little bit.

I was 19 when I fell in love with a manchild 8 years older than me.

He got an inheritance enough to buy a little house a few years ago. What did he do? Buy a Harley!

Keep your young head on, but also plan - for you. Ok, it won't always work out but a house is your and your future children's future security.

[trixymalixy]

Your relationship doesn't sound stable enough to be adding a baby into the mix.

What's the rush? Even if you wait another couple of years you'll still be very young to have a baby by today's standards, and you'll be more certain of your relationship.

[broodynotbonkers]

Thanks again for all your advice, you've all given me a lot to contemplate!

@SpikeyBall He's said previously that he doesn't want to marry me currently because he thinks I'm too messy (the flat is often a bit of a state but it's not unhygienic, just cluttered), too moody (I used to have quite a quick temper but I've toned it down a lot and he's noticed that), and he's worried about me feeling insecure in bed sometimes, because I'm overweight - he means this in a caring way, not in an ultimatum way. I've taken this to mean generally I'm not emotionally mature enough yet.

@WankYouForTheMusic I'm not interested in any more qualifications, although I would like to move companies and progress a bit more. Where I work currently isn't the best for learning new things and team work with others with similar ish careers.

@teaandtoast It's interesting you picked up on the power imbalance - I often feel a bit useless because he earns slightly over 5 times what I do! I get what you're suggesting and you're not wrong, but I'm going to have to have one hell of a career change if I ever hope to earn even half as much as him.

@Sunshinegirl82 I would be the one looking after the baby. I'd give up work for ML and after a year or so (or maybe even sooner) I think I may be able to work from home as my job doesn't usually require me to actually go in (although I do every day at the moment)

@CherriesInTheSnow Thank you for your understanding. The trouble is, I don't know if having a baby is what I TRULY want because I've never had experience before. :/

@joannegrady90 Why do you think he sounds like a dickhead? Not trying to pick a fight btw, just curious!

@ADayGivingMeHope Me? Propose?! I have contemplated it but if he said yes then I'd never know if he truly wanted to marry me or whether he just caved under pressure.

@BogQueens There's nothing mental about wanting to get married but we all know the stereotype of the girlfriend who's desperate to get hitched - I can't imagine being on the receiving end of it is particularly proposal inspiring.

[HappyFeetAgain]

I think you sound very immature and in love with the idea of a baby rather than the reality of it. You seem to have no plans of career progression. What other ambitions do you have?

Have you thought of yourself with the possibility of being a single parent? How would you support your child? Where would you live? How would you support all the extra curricular activities your child might want to do? Also medical emergencies, can you provide for that outside state care?

Your bf seems far from committed so it's a possibility that he might not turn out to be as you expected. You really are far too young, live a little. Do a few things you want to do, be a little selfish.
Having a child is hard work.

[WankYouForTheMusic]

Don't give up work for a year after ML if you're both unmarried and poorly qualified. Nobody should do that, but especially not someone who's in a relationship with a power imbalance.

I reckon given what you've said about not wanting to do any more qualifications, I'd prioritise a move to a different company for the advancement you mention. Might also distract you a bit from the feelings of broodiness.

Also to be clear, is he saying he wouldn't want to marry you because of your weight related bedroom insecurity? Because that sounds like a line, tbh.

[BadLad]

He's said previously that he doesn't want to marry me currently because he thinks I'm too messy (the flat is often a bit of a state but it's not unhygienic, just cluttered), too moody (I used to have quite a quick temper but I've toned it down a lot and he's noticed that), and he's worried about me feeling insecure in bed sometimes, because I'm overweight - he means this in a caring way, not in an ultimatum way. I've taken this to mean generally I'm not emotionally mature enough yet.

So, basically, there are shitloads of reasons why he doesn't want to marry you.

[Decaffstilltastesweird]

Hmmmm I don't like sound of the things he's listed as reasons for not proposing to you. As if you need to change to meet his high standards. Bit of a red flag to me in terms of the power imbalance.

I think it would be a good idea for you to work on some other things, including your career, finance and self confidence before you jump into having a baby with this man.

[broodynotbonkers]

@Decaffstilltastesweird I get that, and don't disagree.

But at the same time, if they are things that you really don't want to put up with for your entire married life, I can understand why you'd be apprehensive.

[formerbabe]

I'd say you shouldn't have a baby yet...my reason for thinking that is because you and your partner have only been together for two years. It's actually not very long...you could wait another 3/4 years and you'd still be a fairly young mum...and your relationship would be more stable and established.

I had my first at 26...so older than you are now and even though I love my DC endlessly, there's still a lot of stuff I wish I'd done especially going travelling and establishing a career.

You have decades ahead of you...don't waste your youth changing nappies and doing housework!

[BadLad]

Once you solve your faults to his satisfaction, I suspect he'll come up with others so he doesn't have to get married.

It's hardly romance, is it? "Well, we might get married, but first you have to sort out your temper, your tidiness and your insecurity. Once I'm happy with those, we'll reassess the situation."

I can't see him doing it. I think you'd be better off living a little, and then having kids with someone nearer your age who really wants to marry you and start a family.

[Sunshinegirl82]

I mean this kindly, but from your posts it comes across a bit that you feel like having a baby will give your life a purpose. You're clearly not overly bothered about your job and having a baby gives you a reason (excuse?) but to bother with it much more. You mention that your partner mentions that you lack confidence, do you generally have issues with confidence/self esteem?

Is there really no job of any description that you might be interested in? There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home mum but your partner has to be on board with that and be ok with supporting you 100% and it doesn't sound like your partner is on board with any of this to be honest.

Working from home with a young child is pretty much impossible unless you have a child that sleeps a lot and you can do all your work when they're asleep.

If you have your kids now, what will you do with your life when you have 2 adult kids at 40?

I think you need to give this a lot of thought OP.

[Spikeyball]

He sounds very controlling to me. I really wouldn't have a baby with him at the moment.

[WankYouForTheMusic]

To be fair, OP hasn't said she'd want to wfh whilst simultaneously looking after the child. It's obviously no different to being in an office or whatever, if you have childcare.

[broodynotbonkers]

@BadLad I'm worried about that too, and you raise a good point.

I know romance is important but I feel like it's probably not the be all and end all. Not sure if I'm being pragmatic or naive here. He's quite logical and I can see where he's coming from by wanting to make sure he's not settling for a set of traits he doesn't want to deal with long-term.

And I do love him. He's a lovely partner. All of his faults are tiny and minor, and he's mature and stable.

[broodynotbonkers]

@Sunshinegirl82 I've often thought that myself. I am quite insecure generally, which doesn't help at all.

I like my job currently and have no problems continuing with it, but I'm not some high-flying career woman in the making. I like it because it gives me something to do and some income, more than anything. I wouldn't give it up unless it was for a baby.

I think DP would 100% support me on that. When we first moved in, I was unemployed for a good 6 months before I got a job and he was very supportive. He encouraged me to find a job but was ok with it if I didn't want to get one either - obviously I did want one because involuntary unemployment is dire! He has the money to provide for a baby and my job would allow some flexibility - it's more project based than anything and I'm the only one working on said projects so I think that would be ok.

[ZefStar]

Try and think it through logically. Why do you want a baby? They're cute I suppose but it would take a huge chunk of your life.
It doesn't sound like your boyfriend wants to commit to you so you'll quite possibly end up being a single parent. You may choose to take part time roles while your child is growing up. This will mean no career progression, this might feel ok for a year or two but after say, 5 years plus, it get tedious. Your friends progress, their earnings mean they can afford holidays, nice cars etc It's hard to watch and know you can't do the same and likely won't be able to do for years to come.
I may be projecting just a bit though 😉

[BlahBlahBlahEtc]

There's plusses and minuses to be a young mum, as there is with anything.

You'll have a lot more energy for example. You'll probably be a bit of a 'cool mum' because you're young,

By the time your would be child is 18, you'll be 39, your life still way ahead of you!

There are things you should think about though, like, you'll have to sacrifice at least 'some' of your social life, if not most of it.

Will you work or be a stay at home mum? If you are a sahm then the majority of the household things will no doubt fall to you, this is wearing, day in day out having to do the same mundane tasks over and over again.

You might not have much support, or any at all. (from your mum etc)

You'll bicker with your DP, or downright argue about things that never seemed to matter before, you might completely disagree about how to raise your child also.

Also.. toddlers.

These are all things that SHOULD be considered but you know, that being said, my SIL had her first baby at 16 and she's had 3 very successful business now that she's started from scratch, she owns her own houses etc and now her oldest two are 18 and 15, she's just had another baby at 35.

Your life will be no means over if you have a baby, but it will be very very different, and probably equally different to how you imagine it'll be.

(I fell pregnant with my DD when me and DP were together 3 weeks...we're still together even with all the added buckets of shit that have been poured on us, planning doesn't account for it all :) )

[drinkingtea]

Blimey. Those updates make him sound like a horrific patronising bully with an ego the size of a continent and about as much respect for you as the mat he wipes his feet on in front of the door!

How dare he tell you which faults you have to correct Tobe worthy of being considered good enough for him to marry!

I think all you actually need to work on is your self esteem.

Bloody hell.