To wonder if people actually hate 'that friend'

[decadentdarling]

A few threads on here have me paranoid.

Do married-with-children people secretly hate it when single, childless friends want to meet up?

"None of these things are ever as interesting to the listener as the talker"

If this was happening before you had kids, and you genuinely felt that a lot of the conversation in which these people talked about themselves was boring, it sounds like not much has changed - except the fact that your friends are now comfortable being really rude to your face when you bring up your kids! (Which is totally not on, btw. This is literally the ONLY place I would ever say what I've just said - if you knew me in real life, I would seem politely interested).
Maybe you just don't get on that well with this group of people - perhaps it's always been a bit, well, superficial? I don't mean that to sound critical of you - perhaps this is just not the right group, not the right dynamic? Friendships should be based on genuine shared interests, not on feigning interest all the time, surely?! Like: shared ideas, shared reading, shared experiences of place, shared attitudes to politics, and generally having a laugh in a way that is non-competitive and non-braggy...

Because of that I've not invited them to any of my kids' celebrations.

Do people invite adults to kids' parties ? I have never been to a child's party unless as a plus one of my dc who were friends with the child in question! Who on earth would voluntarily go to a party with 20 hyped up toddlers? No toddler party I went to with my own ever had any unaccompanied adults.

Paxillin Do people invite adults to kids' parties ?

That's what I was thinking! Maybe their first birthday when they're still a baby really so it's a bit different?

I'm single and childless but would love to have children so I feel a bit like why shouldn't the childless have some fun as they are missing out elsewhere! But obviously childfree by choice doesn't fit into that and I think it's such a shame if friendships are lost for these reasons - I don't think it's very helpful for society for people to segregate like that.

IME though it's people who get a partner then disappear into themselves, or only socialise with other couples. IME having DC doesn't change things much (in terms of who they spend time with), the difference in attitude is apparent earlier when they couple up.

I used to love it, no talking about kids bar the obligatory how are they? Adult talk, adult time (though I was SAHP so grabbed any non child shaped interaction that I could get)

I have one childless, single friend (one of my best friends). I love spending time with her. As a house guest (we live 4 hours away from each other) she is so chilled out and low-maintenance compared with having whole families to stay. She takes an interest in my children but has her whole child-free life to chat about too.

It's never been an issue with close friends (although the first had their kids about 11 years before the last of us, so we are used to being that mixed group). I have noticed some less close friends drifted off and just didn't make any effort once it became clear that last minute meant I either had child in tow or child to be picked up, stone cold sober (me that is obvs) by a certain time, and anything like a boozy night out needed enough time for DH and I to synchronise watches so I could get back from work, change, liaise about DC's medication and I'd rush out the door.

Frankly though if you can't be bothered to wait a week because your friend has responsibilities, You might as well drift!

I have a very long term friend who is child free and is happy to be 'auntie' cultural in case you are hoisting your mn pants if I'm with the little terror or pub mate once a month or so. Hence we see loads of each other.

I have some friends who are mums who want to have child free nights on THEIR terms when it suits THEN etc. That I do find tricky because they are aware of the challenges and just not being fair re compromise etc. If the other mum chums can't afford that place or make that date, just re arrange. Hell, we re arrange taking a shit sometimes with toddlers round the place so a piss up isn't too bad.

I love spending time with my childless friends it's just that they don't seem quite as keen on me. I get that I'm a baby bore but having children does consume you especially at the start. I've always been able to appreciate that with my friends with children, I don't know why some people have to become angry and venemous that their friends have dared to start a family.

Buncakes ime (real life ex friends) people who get the venomous "they talk about kids", "they aren't flexible", "so boring" comments do the exact same thing for child free people with a career of hobby they're really into. They just have different standards in terms of anyone speaking about anything they aren't the expert on.

Luckily an ex friend not a current friend but I noted her habit and drifted off. Still see the odd FB post to the same effect. Everyone's so boring who doesn't like the same stuff as them, why should they listen?

I don't find everything everyone says interesting, but hey with my friends I will smile and nod about sport/lve island/their kids/obscure music for a while, some times I learn something! It's about give and take.

Depends on the friend really.

I have two small kids (one toddler, one newborn) and I'm one of the first in my "circle" to have children. Some of my friends are fab with kids - they come over at reasonable times that work around the kids' bedtimes, they give the toddler lots of attention, they don't expect much, and (for me, most importantly) they don't stay too long! They're understanding when you have to cancel. I guess they just "get" that children are pretty all-encompassing and that life does need to revolve around them, to a large extent.

I have childless friends who are completely and utterly clueless about the practicalities of having kids. So they'll turn up at the door at 6.30 expecting to be fed, they'll stay till 11pm, toddler will refuse to go to sleep for fear of missing out etc. I can't properly chat to them because the kids are demanding attention and I can sense they're a bit eye-rolly about it.

When the latter want to come to visit, yea, I do dread it. The same friends have no concept that I can't do a big, heavy night out on a whim. That sometimes your child getting sick means you need to cancel your plans (yeah, when DD has a temperature of 41 and needs to go to out of hours, I'm not going to go to the pub with you instead). That sometimes childcare falls through. They are impatient and intolerant of this, and as a result I get the dread in my stomach when I need to cancel or rearrange things.

They cause me stress because their attitude towards it all is pretty shit. So yeah, I find myself drifting away from them.