To wonder if people actually hate 'that friend'

[decadentdarling]

A few threads on here have me paranoid.

Do married-with-children people secretly hate it when single, childless friends want to meet up?

Elspeth, can't you say "once they had a baby? Sounds weird otherwise.

All my favourite people are childless and single, they remind me who I am.

I'm classy, me.

OP I just want to add that I understand the point you are making here and have equallly read posts on here that suggest women without children or being married are a bit of a bother so I think aYanbu to ask the question but I don't think it's actually the case

Not at all.

• Branleuse

I don't understand. Why would someone being single and childless be a problem?*

I don't know but it seems to be. I increasingly notice barbecues/dinners where my friends with children get together and I am excluded. I guess they perhaps think I don't want to be there, but I can't imagine why. I'm the only one of that group to be childfree so it seems the only reason for exclusion. I don't understand either.

People are weird. I actually prefer my friends without kids and get on better with people who don't have kids the same age or at all. I find parenting tough and other parents of same age kids are more likely to judge/compare or want to discuss kids. I don't care about their reading levels or school reports (SN child here).

I spent a day with a friend without kids yesterday, am planning spa trip with another friend and might even have a holiday at some point. One friend did say I was the only friend with kids who still wanted to meet up out of the house. We did even when I had babies, just kept it local.

I remember some friends being miffed at not being invited to a children's party, all the friends with kids were, but it was a soft play centre at the start and they weren't very local. I can see both sides of that.

I love spending time with my childless friends, with or without my daughter in tow (so long as they don't mind her being with us). Am conscious to not talk about child related stuff v much though with them, which is fine by me and less boring for them. Spending time with friends with kids is also fine but I sometimes find it more tiring and less fun if I am totally honest. Both scenarios work well though depending on the activity and the people involved.

ShastaBeast yeah that would have upset me a bit. We have driven hundreds of miles to celebrate birthday parties for close friends children's birthdays, including soft play ones and we don't have children yet. It's nice to be involved and celebrate the birthday doesn't matter where it is. I normally end up doing the decorations or something

I have a couple of friends without children, one by choice, one not got round to it yet she is a decade younger than me

I love to see both of them, they are still the people I loved before I had DD. They love DD too and do not expect me to turn up without her, if they did it would be far more difficult to see them and it would also annoy me tbh. DD is a huge part of my life and I cannot just discard her when she is inconvenient, if my friends expected me to I would question the friendship. Our social lives have changed and we do more (activities) during the daytime and less drinking in the evenings. That's parenthood for you.

But thanks to this thread I will make more effort to invite my child free friends on more family activities

MissWilmottsGhost honestly child free people are normally great at those kind of events! And I always appreciate the invite as it shows how you think of the relationship between them and your dc

A bit, I have a 7 month old EBF baby who won't take a bottle. Three friends have no children and make it clear that they want no baby time (fair enough) but make me feel really awkward to say I can't make it. As far as I'm concerned this baby stage doesn't last long and I don't mind her tagging along till she's 1ish (when the feeds get further apart and I can settle her before leaving) I also don't mind at all not going. So yes in a way I do dread them calling. However if it was a meet up somewhere easy for a cuppa id love it.

My closest friend is single and childless. We've known each other for years.
She always asks about my kids and loves to see pics. We have a long shared history and are supportive of each other.
I don't make a point of talking about my kids or not talking about them. The conversations are just natural.

My closest bud is single without DC.
We've been mates for 25 years.

I never dread seeing her. TBH we'd like to see more of each other but she travels an awful lot with work and I have kids, a DH and I work too. We both struggle to get enough time!

I love to catch up with all my friends, single/not single, childfree/kids in tow, it's actually easier if one of you doesn't have children and is more flexible! Some people do go in on themselves and their families a bit I've noticed though when they are tiny. I never did and I also think that's a very short sighted way to think- by early teens, your kids are wanting to be off with their friends all the time and not base their social life around you!

I have to admit I'm a bit jealous of them and feel like our worlds don't match anymore but love meeting up with childfree friends.

I went to a wedding resently where most of the guests were 30's and chosen to be childfree. Everyone was really on it through the night and I felt a bit old and boring getting to bed at 2am (despite it being a no child wedding) whilst everyone else (with a bit of illicit help ) didn't stop partying all night. I knew I had to go home and be a Mum the next day so sleep deprived and on a come down didn't really appeal!

My closest friend is single and childless. I love meeting up with her. But I have to say, it's easier now the DC are older, as she never quite got that you have to be back for school pick up. You can't get a later train. And she still doesn't realise that my time is not my own in the same way as hers is. If I'm cooking tea when she phones, I can't just switch off the heat under the pan and chat for half an hour, then restart cooking when she's said goodbye. The food needs to be on the table so they can get to their band practise/do their homework before bedtime. But equally, when her eyes glaze over as I recount a funny thing adorable DS said yesterday, I remember that actually, that's very boring to everyone except family and it does me good to widen the conversation. We're all guilty of narrowing our worlds a bit and it's great to have someone who nudges us out of them.

The friends I have left behind are the ones who think you're no fun if you don't still get pissed until 3am on a night out. Why would I want to? We're not in our twenties anymore. It's a bit sad to be doing that in middle age.

There are some phases with young kids that don't lend themselves to visiting a childfree friend. A toddler in a stylish flat is no fun for stylish flat owner, mother or toddler. Mothers of newborns usually go nowhere without the newborn. "Never mind the school night, let's dance til 4am" won't work if the kids are too young to get themselves up and to school.

Apart from that, children or not are irrelevant when socialising.

I don't think so, seeing as my friends with children still arrange to see me!

I meet-up with childless friends. In many ways it's lovely to have people to meet up with that I can actually just be 'KitKat' with, rather than DD's Mum. However this only really works when we meet up without the kids. There are inevitably usually lifestyle differences between friends who are married with children, and friends who aren't, and sometimes this can make meet ups tricky. Some of my friends without kids just don't get how tricky kids can be. E.G, 'Lets go to [insert posh restaurant] for lunch, you can bring the kids'. Which is a lovely idea in principle, but the reality of trying to keep 2 small children relatively quiet and well-behaved for 2 hours in a place with no kids entertainment or kids menu, is usually an utter nightmare. Or taking 2 small children round to see a childless friend who has an immaculately clean home and / or lots of lovely (but breakable) collectables is just a stress-fest to be honest. So sometimes I end up declining. But it's not that I don't want to see them, it's just that visiting places that aren't child-friendly when you have very young kids is bloody hard work.

Reverse happened to me. Good friend who distanced herself during late pregnancy and then dropped off the radar altogether. I was a bit hurt but didn't chase as it was clear she didn't intend to respond to any messages. I bumped into her on a night out months later. She was a bit tipsy and when another mutual friend asked why she'd not been in touch, she admitted that she only wanted 'mummy friends' now and so had dropped me - and another lass - because we had no DC. This was years ago now.

Funnily enough I bumped into her again a few months back. She only had the one child and he's now in his teens. She was very keen that we go for coffee and catch up, now that her DS is older and 'mummy friends' aren't her priority any more.

I have lots of other friends with kids who are all lovely though. I found that I need to be very mindful of when I contact them - don't ring at teatime/bathtime/bedtime. In fact, don't ring full stop - send a text instead and then they can pick it up when it's quieter! We normally go for a coffee or stay at theirs - my place is too small and not child-friendly. I love spending time with my friends and their kids - they are great company and very entertaining and I enjoy my 'honorary Auntie' status.

I'm married, but no kids. I am happy to meet up with everyone!

If I am honest, though, I probably have better relationships with single friends than with people with children - I tend to find we have more in common. To be honest, other people's kids are quite boring and the routine life of some parents is reaaaalllly dull. There's only so much interest you can really fake in a child passing the totally normal milestones that every other child is passing at the same age. I get that it's special to the parents, the same as my cat doing average cat things is fascinating for me - but it isn't my whole life, and I wouldn't bore someone for half an hour about how gifted my totally average moggie is. And I absolutely will NOT see the kind of person who has conversations about white goods or brand names or interior decoration or cars, single or married with kids or not. Whereas friends without kids are often off having amazing creative or travel adventures that genuinely fascinating and unique, to the point I could listen to them all night. Not saying this is true of all people - I have boring single friends and interesting friends with kids taking a different path to the standard one.

There is a huge and unfair gender imbalance too. I do think it's different for many men with kids who don't seen their world confine as much as many women do, and who basically still come out for the same nights as they used to when they didn't have children. I don't think many women can do that.

I wish you were my friend then because since I popped the sprogs my childfree friends never ask me to come out. they just assume I can't make it. Unfortunately on a few occasions I have had to cancel due to kiddies with fever/vomiting etc. So now they don't bother asking :-(
Also annoying is if I ask one of them if they want to meet up etc they will say "Oh yes I'll see if so-and-so is free" - as if they can't be arsed if it's just me. Which is a bit hurtful as pre-DC (and me moving to the sticks) we'd often do stuff 1-to-1 anyway. Eg just get together for a movie or a coffee. I don't think it's intentional, they probably just think oh well, if we're making the effort, may as well make it a big meet-up.

My friends are my friends because I like them.