Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


To not want to be my BF's son's second mother?

127 replies

PixieXox · 16/07/2017 14:32

Quick note: I'm really not up for any abuse as I'm aware my feelings won't align with many of yours. Let's keep it to support or helpful suggestions/advice please? Thanks

Okay so for a little bit of background, my boyfriend has a 4 year old with his ex. The son still lives with the ex but sees my boyfriend quite regularly. I'm not massively comfortable around children but I am polite and kind to his son and join them at things I feel comfortable going to (for example, I'll arrange to take them both to lunch etc and wee days out but would leave things like children's parties to the father because that scene is just not for me at all).

The boyfriend fully supports my own decision to never have my own children and respects the fact that I make an effort to get to know his son. I'm honestly nothing but lovely to him but I stay within my own boundaries. However, boyfriend seems to think I'm not building enough of a maternal connection to him. His thoughts are that I should be taking his son to his friend's parties and getting to know them and their families, hanging out with other mums, picking him up from nursery alone and so on so forth. He has even asked me to consider looking after his son when he is working away for a few nights and was annoyed when I said it's not something I feel like I can handle.

It's worth noting I do make financial contributions so money is not the issue.. I buy him wee toys and outfits every so often when he's coming over and help out with other costs when it's reasonable to do so.

Am I being unreasonable or is he? I understand that I need to have some relationship with his son and I have made an effort to get to a point where he likes and trusts me. However, I feel that if I were to do the things that are being asked of me I would be making myself uncomfortable and stepping on his mum's toes a bit.

Any thoughts or advice? I've never been in a situation like this before and want to handle it delicately. Ps we've only been dating 7 months.

OP posts:

Velvian · 16/07/2017 14:34

Yanbu at all. I think you have things just right by the sounds of it.


kaytee87 · 16/07/2017 14:34

He's being massively unreasonable. Sounds like he wants a nanny that he gets to shag basically. If you've only been together 7 months he really should have only been in the early stages of introducing you anyway as it's not a serious relationship yet.


user1497357411 · 16/07/2017 14:36

Sounds like he just wants you to take over his chores so he can sit on his fat arse.


Sirzy · 16/07/2017 14:37

I can see where he is coming from to be honest. It sounds like your contact with him is on your terms whereas like any parent he will be putting his son first.

The key thing is though they come as a package so you need to decide if you can see yourself being part of that package long term.


TheMaddHugger · 16/07/2017 14:37

((((((((Hugs))))))))) Reads to me like he wants more from you, than you can give freely from your heart.


Fruitcorner123 · 16/07/2017 14:37

YANBU but I would really consider whether this relationship is for you long term if you don't want kids as he has a kid which essentially means if our live together)get married you will also have some level of responsibility in the future. If this is an issue now after 7 months it is unlikely to go away completely. If he is looking for a second mum for his child he needs to look elsewhere. Perhaps you need a frank conversation to see whether there's any future in it.


Firesuit · 16/07/2017 14:39

Nobody does any of the things he wants you to do for any reason other than it's their job as parents to do it. You are not this child's parent, it's not your job to do any of the things he wants you to.

You could choose to do some of these things as part of the general give and take in the relationship, but I'm getting the sense that your boyfriend think you ought to enjoy all this on account of you having a vagina, so I doubt you'll get the credit you deserve. If you want to be generous to your boyfriend I suggest you find other ways than taking over his parental responsibilities.


ChicRock · 16/07/2017 14:42

He has even asked me to consider looking after his son when he is working away for a few nights

Cheeky fucker - his time with his son is his time, not a chance to fob him off to a convenient childminder. What would he do if he had to work away and you weren't around?


gillybeanz · 16/07/2017 14:44

I think you have it right tbh.
Coming as a package used to mean that a new partner had to understand that the parent would put the child first, not that the new partner should be considered in the same role as a parent.
Your bf should be doing the parenting and that includes the dropping off and picking up, being friends with parents etc.
you can't be expected to do this when you have no intention of becoming a parent yourself.
YANBU, and I agree with others he obviously wants a nanny with benefits. Sad


welliesandsequins · 16/07/2017 14:45

You've only been together seven months. You shouldn't be playing a mother role even if you wanted to.
IME lots of men want to play happy families.
If you're happy with the amount you do then keep it as that. Otherwise you'll just start to resent them both.
The son certainly won't worry about it if that's the role you always have with him.


rollonthesummer · 16/07/2017 14:48

He sounds lazy and like he wants to abdicate child rearing to you!


Nocabbageinmyeye · 16/07/2017 14:48

Yanbu. How long are you together? Going to his parties and getting to know the other mothers Confused your dp is batshit. You sound lovely, keep it as you are and don't be pushed into something you are not comfortable with


Hassled · 16/07/2017 14:49

I think you're behaving absolutely perfectly. It's only 7 months in, you don't want to tread on the mother's toes, the boy is not your responsibility but you're making an effort with him. I can't see why your boyfriend should want or expect anything more. He certainly shouldn't be cadging free childcare at this stage - and why the fuck should you be doing the nightmare kids' parties runs?


Nocabbageinmyeye · 16/07/2017 14:50

Holy fuck 7 months, your boyfriend is massively unreasonable!!! I agree he is setting you up to take over so he can do fuck all and his free babysitter can do everything. Stop contributing financially too, he sounds like a user


NC4now · 16/07/2017 14:51

YANBU. Not at all. The role you play willingly is very similar to the role my children's stepmum plays. And that's completely cool with me. They have a mum: me. They don't need another.


kaytee87 · 16/07/2017 14:51

Meant to add I think it's crazy that you're contributing financially


TheBakeryQueen · 16/07/2017 14:54

I think he is taking the piss quite frankly! Stay as you are, you sound lovely.


PixieXox · 16/07/2017 14:54

Thanks ladies xx

Just to clarify, when I say I contribute financially it's teeny tiny amounts. Like if I'm going to Lush to buy my shampoos I'll grab him a wee bath bomb or the odd sweet or something like that. If I see a cute top or toy that he'd like I sometimes pick it up but we're talking less than £15 a month. Depending on how much it's been (anything that's over a couple of pounds generally), the man puts the money back in my account without being asked so it's not too bad that way xx

OP posts:

Whenyouseeit · 16/07/2017 14:54

My late stepmum didnt want to be a second mum. She wasnt maternal. Her approach to being a stepmum always strikes me as perfect. She was around, expressed interest in our lives, built a good working relationship with my mum over time but she explicitly kept in the background. She'd often go out and do her own thing when we visited so we could spend time with our dad alone (she knew how hard it was). She would have had us overnight alone but only in an absolute emergency. No way would she have had us for 3 nights just because.

And she was my dad's wife. They were married 15 years and even at the end we wouldnt have had alone time.

So YANBU. At all.


Assburgers · 16/07/2017 14:55

The reason he wants you to go to the parties (instead of him) is that kids parties are fucking awful.

I agree with the poster above who said he wants a nanny he can shag. YANBU.


Dafspunk · 16/07/2017 14:57

You sound very sensible and you should stick to your guns on this.


PurpleMinionMummy · 16/07/2017 14:57

Why do you need to do those things instead of your bf? Yanbu. Sounds like he wants you to do his share of parenting for him.


Lemond1fficult · 16/07/2017 14:57

I understand where you're both coming from here: I think your dp is being unreasonable in expecting you to take over HIS tasks, but not unreasonable in wanting you to bond with his son long-term, especially if you're planning a future together.

I respect you're doing your best, but if all you can offer is detached kindness - forever - this probably isn't the family for you. Ask yourself this - if you could wave a wand and have your partner to yourself, would you? His son isn't going to be 4 forever, and will eventually work out that he's just being tolerated, albeit kindly. Which isn't going to be good for his self esteem or your relationship with his dad.


DailyMailReadersAreThick · 16/07/2017 14:58

I think YABU to date a man with a child when you feel this way. I'm the same as you and would never get into a relationship with someone with a young child - that's not fair on anybody.

He is being even more unreasonable.

But seriously, I'd cut my losses and dump him. There's no happy future in this relationship.


TinselTwins · 16/07/2017 14:59

What the hell is the point in the child going to his dads house when his dad's not even there

Sounds to me like HE doesn't enjoy the kids parties and wants off the hook from such parenting duties when the kid is at his house, and since you're female he thinks it should be no bother for you!

If his kid is mostly at his mums house, then your partner really needs to man up and do the parties and the playdate, coz guess what mate, most of us hate going to them too, yes even those of us who are female, but we don't fob it off on others cause we're parents and that's what we gotta do!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?