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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be my BF's son's second mother?

127 replies

PixieXox · 16/07/2017 14:32

Quick note: I'm really not up for any abuse as I'm aware my feelings won't align with many of yours. Let's keep it to support or helpful suggestions/advice please? Thanks

Okay so for a little bit of background, my boyfriend has a 4 year old with his ex. The son still lives with the ex but sees my boyfriend quite regularly. I'm not massively comfortable around children but I am polite and kind to his son and join them at things I feel comfortable going to (for example, I'll arrange to take them both to lunch etc and wee days out but would leave things like children's parties to the father because that scene is just not for me at all).

The boyfriend fully supports my own decision to never have my own children and respects the fact that I make an effort to get to know his son. I'm honestly nothing but lovely to him but I stay within my own boundaries. However, boyfriend seems to think I'm not building enough of a maternal connection to him. His thoughts are that I should be taking his son to his friend's parties and getting to know them and their families, hanging out with other mums, picking him up from nursery alone and so on so forth. He has even asked me to consider looking after his son when he is working away for a few nights and was annoyed when I said it's not something I feel like I can handle.

It's worth noting I do make financial contributions so money is not the issue.. I buy him wee toys and outfits every so often when he's coming over and help out with other costs when it's reasonable to do so.

Am I being unreasonable or is he? I understand that I need to have some relationship with his son and I have made an effort to get to a point where he likes and trusts me. However, I feel that if I were to do the things that are being asked of me I would be making myself uncomfortable and stepping on his mum's toes a bit.

Any thoughts or advice? I've never been in a situation like this before and want to handle it delicately. Ps we've only been dating 7 months.

OP posts:
SummerMummy88 · 16/07/2017 15:02

After only seven months I think you are doing more than enough, a relationship will flourish in its own time, no point rushing things with the child. I wouldn't be going to parties or getting to know other mums. Your doing fine. X

supersop60 · 16/07/2017 15:03

It's early days.You are still building a relationship. You are not his step mum, you are his dad's fairly new girlfriend. YANBU and stick to your guns. I presume your BF's contact days are for him to have contact, not to fob his ds on to someone else.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 16/07/2017 15:04

You sound great to me. You b/f's son has a Mum so if your B/f is working then he needs to ask her if she can keep the child on those days. I think you are being very respectful. Although personally I would be slightly curious as to why the real reasons they split up. This child must have been very young when his mum and dad split. I wonder if the ex felt that the dad wanted her to do all the parenting work.

MikeUniformMike · 16/07/2017 15:06

OP, you sound sensible to me and your boyfriend sounds like he is trying to offload his parental duties on to you.

Do you live with your boyfriend?

Dumdedumdedum · 16/07/2017 15:11

The reason he wants you to go to the parties (instead of him) is that kids parties are fucking awful.
^^
THIS. And only this.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/07/2017 15:11

Maybe the time has come, for you to reevaluate this relationship.
Sounds very much like your boyfriend, would like to pass on his parental duties, to you. Seven months isn't a long time, he should still be on his toes !

TinselTwins · 16/07/2017 15:13

I would make myself busy during his contact days, tell him you've planned to be out of the house on purpose to let him have quality 1:1 time with his child. If he's a decent man and father he'll appreciate that, if he doesn't, he's a wrong'un

QueenLaBeefah · 16/07/2017 15:13

Sounds like he is trying to palm some of the drudgery of child rearing on to you (taking children to parties and having to stick to a strict timetable for pick ups for nursery is bloody boring.)

Also he seems to think he can carry on with work trips completely impeded whilt you pick up the slack.

Tell him to piss off.

Windycityblues · 16/07/2017 15:14

Seven months in is hardly anything and you shouldn't be expected to be a parent. I do wonder if this is the right relationship for you longer term though as your DP's son is still very little so likely to be part of your life for a very long time. You and your partner may have very different ideas about what your future will look like and maybe a serious talk about this is in order.

PurplePeppers · 16/07/2017 15:15

I think the issue here is for you to be a 'second mother' and more particularly the idea that it's a mother's role to do the school pick up, talk to the other mums, take the child to b'day parties and generally be there to look after the child whilst the father does whatever he wants.

I do think it's very imprtant that you are building a strong relationhsip with the child. And in time, yes I suspect this will mean doing some pick ups etc...
What it doesn't mean is that the responsibility for the child will move onto your shoulders and that the father can rely fully on you to pick up whatever slack he wants.

So YABU and YANBU depending on which version your BF wants.

happypoobum · 16/07/2017 15:16

YANBU I can't see that you are doing anything wrong at all.

He sounds quite pushy. How is the rest of your relationship?

If he cannot accept that your boundaries (which sound fine) need to stay intact, then he might be pushy in other areas.

Jux · 16/07/2017 15:16

I imagine that as the son grows, your relationshipwith him will grow. You may actually end up being second mum anway, but it will be in a way you are comfortable with. If the boy needs more from you than that, and he may not, then it's possible that your relationship with your bf will fall apart too.

I think you should stck to what you're comfortable with. There's nothing worse than a child-adult relationship that is forced and false. That, I think would lead to resentmenton your part and misery on everyone's. The boy has a mum and a dad, and you don't resent his presencemn, but are kind and thoughtful.

PurplePeppers · 16/07/2017 15:18

I also think that if you are very clear that yu do not want children, he has no right to somehow 'force you' to take on that role.

Fwiw, beefier having children myself, imwouod have been very uncomfortable to do any of things you are talking about. I had no idea how to 'be' around young children. It would have taken me time to get confortable (and yes that means making an effort to adapt to the child)

user1497480444 · 16/07/2017 15:19

I think you have got it completely right, there is nothing worse than forcing yourself on a child. You and your BFs son have been thrown together totally randomly because you each have a relationship with BF. If you and BF end up being together long term, then you want this relationship to go smoothly. In my opinion less is more. polite friendliness, no gushiness, no over investment, no expectations on either side. A smooth, peaceful arms length relationship is so much better than trying to make your self artificially close to him. 10 or 20 years down the line, you might be good friends.

Ans he is not your responsibility, so definitely NONE of that stuff BF suggested, do not agree to look after him on your own, unless genuine dire emergency. Do not get to know his friend's mums, you have your own friends.

TinselTwins · 16/07/2017 15:21

I think YABU to date a man with a child when you feel this way
What way? I love kids and I still would be annoyed if a new partner wanted to fob off their parenting duties onto me

That's not even asking her to be a step mother or a "second mother", he's asking her to do his parenting so that he doesn't have to. And that's not cool for anyone.

It would be one thing if he was asking her to join them sometimes, but that's not what's happening here, he wants to sod off and leave the parenting to his new girlfriend! Even if he OP was the most maternal person in the world that would still not be okay!

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 16/07/2017 15:21

YANBU.

My ex seems to be involving his new gf of about the same time in my sons visits a lot. They stay at her place etc. I fucking hate it.

She has kids of her own though and as far as I know hasn't overstepped the mark. He's a decent dad all told so I can't say anything and I'd be nice to her of course but yeah, fucking hate it.

whiteroseredrose · 16/07/2017 15:21

YANBU. I had a Stepmum and have a Stepdad. Both were interested in my life and supportive etc but NEVER stood in as parents. When I went to my dads his (later) DW was usually there but I was there to see my dad. If he wasn't going to be there we'd rearrange.

gemsandstones · 16/07/2017 15:21

OP I have great respect for you in that you have stated right from the beginning what you can/will and can't/won't do, whilst being as supportive to you partner as possible, within those boundaries.

My guess is BF probably thought, ignore that, overtime you start to play a much bigger role ( being a woman and that) and bond further with is child without realising it, but you've been astute as to which responsibilities you will take on day to day.

It is this that is frustrating him, as he must have assumed like most women sadly, it will all just pile on you until you no longer can refuse.

I wish more women were like you in being assertive and sticking to their guns. You sound like a lovely, kind and honest person.

My only worry is, does your BF have this same attitude towards your wish not to have children or is he secretly hoping that you'll change your mind about this too? Because he doesn't seem to have taken anything on board. The future of this relationship maybe be questionable.

ittakes2 · 16/07/2017 15:22

I don't think either of you are doing anything wrong - you just want different things unfortunately

TinselTwins · 16/07/2017 15:24

I don't think either of you are doing anything wrong

Seriously?

If you were a child who lived with your mum and went to visit your dad and he couldn't even be arsed to be there and had fobbed you off on the nearest female, there's nothing wrong with that?

rightwhine · 16/07/2017 15:25

In time you will both probably get fonder of each other but at the moment it's not fair on either of you to get too attached as it is still a reasonably new relationship.
Best to continue as you are for this reason, as well as being respectful to his mother, as well as for your own reasons.

Inertia · 16/07/2017 15:27

Sounds like he wants a nanny with benefits.

It's reasonable for him to expect you to understand that his child will always come first, and that when the little boy is with you you'll be doing family-friendly activities together.

However, it sounds like he wants you to pick up his parenting slack. That's not asking for a second mother, it's asking for a stand-in father. And the little boy doesn't want his dad's girlfriend in that role, he wants his dad.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 16/07/2017 15:27

YANBU. The child already has a mother, I don't see why you should be his second mum, nor should you have any responsibility for him. The dad is excessively rude to want to dump his child on you, you're not the bloody childminder! Wanting you to go to parties, yeah, as someone said, it's because kids' parties are the absolute pits.

tararabumdeay · 16/07/2017 15:28

He's taking the flying piss.

DrHorribletookmycherry · 16/07/2017 15:28

I think anything other than your approach at this massively early stage would be too much for such a young child. Seven months into a relationship is only around the time to start meeting partners/ children when they are so young.
Your bf runs the risk of ruining his relationship with his son and you. Trying to railroad you two into an unnaturally fast progression to a pseudo maternal role is going to cause tensions. Sit him down, of course he wants everyone in harmony. But that doesn't happen at this pace.