To not want to be my BF's son's second mother?

[PixieXox]

Quick note: I'm really not up for any abuse as I'm aware my feelings won't align with many of yours. Let's keep it to support or helpful suggestions/advice please? Thanks

Okay so for a little bit of background, my boyfriend has a 4 year old with his ex. The son still lives with the ex but sees my boyfriend quite regularly. I'm not massively comfortable around children but I am polite and kind to his son and join them at things I feel comfortable going to (for example, I'll arrange to take them both to lunch etc and wee days out but would leave things like children's parties to the father because that scene is just not for me at all).

The boyfriend fully supports my own decision to never have my own children and respects the fact that I make an effort to get to know his son. I'm honestly nothing but lovely to him but I stay within my own boundaries. However, boyfriend seems to think I'm not building enough of a maternal connection to him. His thoughts are that I should be taking his son to his friend's parties and getting to know them and their families, hanging out with other mums, picking him up from nursery alone and so on so forth. He has even asked me to consider looking after his son when he is working away for a few nights and was annoyed when I said it's not something I feel like I can handle.

It's worth noting I do make financial contributions so money is not the issue.. I buy him wee toys and outfits every so often when he's coming over and help out with other costs when it's reasonable to do so.

Am I being unreasonable or is he? I understand that I need to have some relationship with his son and I have made an effort to get to a point where he likes and trusts me. However, I feel that if I were to do the things that are being asked of me I would be making myself uncomfortable and stepping on his mum's toes a bit.

Any thoughts or advice? I've never been in a situation like this before and want to handle it delicately. Ps we've only been dating 7 months.

[mygorgeousmilo]

Been together 7 months and you contribute financially to his child?! YANBU it's weird and he's taking the piss

[mrsRosaPimento]

You sound great. You have remembered he already has a mum, and are respectful of that. You are a lovely adult in his life!

[Elendon]

He has even asked me to consider looking after his son when he is working away for a few nights

Cheeky fucker - his time with his son is his time, not a chance to fob him off to a convenient childminder. What would he do if he had to work away and you weren't around?

This with bells of a thousand on. Seriously, would any man meeting up with a woman he likes take this on?

You are not a babysitter to his child and I would be horrified as the mother of the child to discover he was asking you to do this.

[Decaffstilltastesweird]

Run. Run like your tampon string is on fire

This^^!

Yanbu op. It sounds as if he wants childcare from a nice, convenient and (importantly) free childcare provider who he also gets to have sex with. Not acceptable. Asking you to take his DS to parties to get to know other parents is also just bizarre. You aren't a parent to his DS and don't particularly want to fill that role, (understandable, especially after just 7 months dating), so there are no "other parents". Does he expect a ready made mother / wife figure to step in and fit in with all the other wives? Not on at all imo.

[SallyGinnamon]

You sound perfectly reasonable to me!

You won't stand on the was of a good solid father and son relationship. But your relationship is with the father, not the son.

[Mammylamb]

Yanbu!! Sounds like dp is trying to dump tasks on you which he should be doing. Dps ex would probably be livid if you tried to take over and be all maternal with her son. You are going about this the right way. Who knows, in the future you may grow to love the boy. Ps I hate whenever my dads new partner tries to play parent or act too close; it's very false

[eddielizzard]

yanbu

he basically doesn't want to do the legwork.

[LDN17]

Stick to your guns op!
I don't see why you should need to be friends with the mums at his son's school. If you do do any drop offs and pick ups then they shouldn't be a frequent set in stone kind of thing at this point, so forming friendships with the mums is a bit unnecessary.
Even for me now 7 years in, I only know 2 of the mums from my dscs class. And that's really only because their younger children are in my children's class and that's how we got talking and then realised about the older children being in the same class. My dsc's mum is friendly with dsc's friend's mums so it's all fine. This is probably the same for your dp's ex- she's probably friendly with the mums at her son's school and arranges play dates, parties, etc..., so at 7 months in I really don't think you need to go over introducing yourself .

[BraveBear]

if you imagine being with him longer then you are probably going to get to know his son

Getting to know him is one thing, taking over arse wiping duties and ferrying about duties because his Dad thinks they should be women's jobs is another.

I suppose some things depend on circumstances. If the boyfriend was dealing with something he couldn't leave - important phonecall, tricky bit in cooking dinner, halfway through glossing a door - then it's not unreasonable to ask his partner to help the child in the toilet. If he wasn't busy though then it's his job. He's the parent. (It's also not healthy for a little boy to see a woman he hardly knows being pushed into the care giving role by his father.)

Same thing with travel arrangements. If he has a full time job and the OP doesn't work, I can see why he'd feel comfortable asking for favours. Still doesn't mean she has to say yes though. He has the same access to child minders as everyone else.

[Aeroflotgirl]

At 7 months op is just in the getting to know phase, and probably does not know if she wants a future with him or not, its still too early.

[category12]

His expectations of you are way off - he basically wants you to fit into wife/mother role (at 7 months in! ) - while he sits back. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on his ds.

I don't think this is a long term prospect for you, OP. I'm betting he must have some pretty stereotypical notions about women's roles in general and while it may not bother you in the first flush of the relationship, it'll wear thin over time. If he has this expectation about women taking on a maternal role (despite knowing you), he probably will expect you to take up all the caring and cleaning roles at home too. It may not show yet.

[user1483208776]

it depends on what ambitions you have for your relationship. if you just want to be his GF for a year or so then the above is perfectly acceptable. if you imagine being with him longer then you are probably going to get to know his son

[Aeroflotgirl]

You have only been with him for 7 months, that is nothing. He sounds lazy, Yes I would run for the hills.

[Aeroflotgirl]

He wants you to build a maternal connection, why, your not his mother, he already has that. You do have it just right, and he is your boyfriend, not fiancee or husband, its sounds more casual. I think he wants to offload his son onto you, so that he can get on with the more important things, of his social life or hobbies.

[BraveBear]

I wont be surprise if one of the reasons of him spliting up with his wife was that he wasn't pulling his weight in childcare.

This! You've only been dating for half a year and he's already getting pissed off that you won't take over parenting his child for him. He clearly has certain shitty ideas about what men do and what women do. Is this relationship worth the power struggle?

[sleeponeday]

I've had 3 stepmothers. My favourite, by far, was like you. She was warm and lovely with us all, affectionate and interested and welcoming... but we had our own mothers. We needed our father. And when he tried to shuffle off responsibility for parental things on to her (mostly to get at the younger sibs's mother, but also because a lot of child related stuff is fucking tedious) she would politely say no, not appropriate.

He isn't asking you to take his child to the bathroom, to parties, to clubs etc because he "wants a maternal bond". He's asking you because it bores him and if you have to, he doesn't. Rather, I imagine, as he expected the mother to. And if he wants you to care for his child when he is away... why isn't he arranging to be away when his son is with his mother, anyway. And what would his son's mum feel about you caring for her child when she might want first refusal if he is away?

Does he have 50/50 shared care? As in, does he do as much as the mother and is therefore asking you to pick up a tiny part of the slack... or is it every other weekend plus one midweek night, so he's asking you to do quite a lot, really, of his share?

Finally, if you've only been together 7 months then he is being irrational wanting you to develop a maternal bond - what happens if you split up? His son would lose someone he felt that level of tie with. I had that with a couple of my mum's boyfriends and it was not good - a more distant, affectionate relationship is infinitely more appropriate at this stage.

I'm not sure if your boyfriend has boundary issues or is lazy, but I do think your approach is a lot more in the child's best interests.

[Ellisandra]

A lot of people wouldn't even want you to have met their child after only 7 months.

Having him for days when he's away, and doing birthday party runaround? Yep - nanny with benefits.

[Willow2017]

'Pitching in' at 7mths into a relationship with a 4yr old whose life has turned upside down does not include taking on the responsibilty to

1. take my kid to nursery and pick him up there's a good 'mum'. (I can't be arsed)
   
2. take my kid to parties "with the other mums" there's a good woman. (It's woman's work after all, all those kids and noise and watching my own kid all the time, pah! who needs that?)
   
3. Look after my kid for 3 days/nights while I toddle off for a few days theres a good woman. (Cos my ex doesnt need to know I am not actually looking after my kid when he comes here and it will keep her sweet to think I am being a good dad)
   
   Nope just run op he is looking for an unpaid Nanny you didn't apply for The job.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

TicketyBoo83, you mean fast ! 😂 Fab post.

[haveacupoftea]

YANBU he has a mum he doesn't need another one.

[Welldoneme]

I would be sticking to my guns and I think he is a cheeky lazy fukker x

[DotForShort]

YANBU. After only 7 months I am surprised he has even introduced you to his son, much less place unreasonable expectations on you in terms of caring for the child. If the relationship progresses, of course it is worth thinking about the extent to which you are prepared to play a stepmother role. But at this stage it is far too early to take on that role IMO.

[Jaxhog]

He's one of the 'GF=Woman=Child carer' people.

Run. Fast.

[Groupie123]

Neither of you are bu. I think you need to be honest with him OP - it sounds like he wants a stepmum for his DS. If that's not you then you should let him find someone more appropriate.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Honest answer is neither if you are BU

He and you wound be happier with people that have the sales values and needs around having kids