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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be my BF's son's second mother?

127 replies

PixieXox · 16/07/2017 14:32

Quick note: I'm really not up for any abuse as I'm aware my feelings won't align with many of yours. Let's keep it to support or helpful suggestions/advice please? Thanks

Okay so for a little bit of background, my boyfriend has a 4 year old with his ex. The son still lives with the ex but sees my boyfriend quite regularly. I'm not massively comfortable around children but I am polite and kind to his son and join them at things I feel comfortable going to (for example, I'll arrange to take them both to lunch etc and wee days out but would leave things like children's parties to the father because that scene is just not for me at all).

The boyfriend fully supports my own decision to never have my own children and respects the fact that I make an effort to get to know his son. I'm honestly nothing but lovely to him but I stay within my own boundaries. However, boyfriend seems to think I'm not building enough of a maternal connection to him. His thoughts are that I should be taking his son to his friend's parties and getting to know them and their families, hanging out with other mums, picking him up from nursery alone and so on so forth. He has even asked me to consider looking after his son when he is working away for a few nights and was annoyed when I said it's not something I feel like I can handle.

It's worth noting I do make financial contributions so money is not the issue.. I buy him wee toys and outfits every so often when he's coming over and help out with other costs when it's reasonable to do so.

Am I being unreasonable or is he? I understand that I need to have some relationship with his son and I have made an effort to get to a point where he likes and trusts me. However, I feel that if I were to do the things that are being asked of me I would be making myself uncomfortable and stepping on his mum's toes a bit.

Any thoughts or advice? I've never been in a situation like this before and want to handle it delicately. Ps we've only been dating 7 months.

OP posts:

Mumzypopz · 16/07/2017 15:29

He wants you do do all the stuff doesn't like / doesn't enjoy doing. Absolutely not your job to take him to parties. That's his role. Bet the kids Mum would be furious if you did do that.

Longdistance · 16/07/2017 15:31

I had a work colleague in a similar situation. She was the live in babysitter. She even was looking after the ex partners daughter who wasn't even his.

She left him a few months later when she had a lightbulb moment.

Luckily, your lightbulb moment is here. He wants you to be his nanny. The dss is his responsibility, if he doesn't like it, d can find some other mug to do it...or do it himself 🤔

And, yes kids parties suck!

Dukesofhazzard · 16/07/2017 15:31

YANBU. His child should not be at his house if he's not there, maybe in emergencies if you're willing to do it. I think you're approach to this is very sensible.

You've only been with him 7 months, step-parent/child relationships is not something that should be forced, which your DP seems to be doing, they take time to establish.
I have 2 DSC, we all get on great but it took a long time to get to the stage where I would have them on my own(only to help out in emegencies), never for a few nights at a time.

As for taking him to parties and meeting the other mums etc...He is being totally unreasonable.

Original poster

PixieXox · 16/07/2017 15:32

Update: just been asked if I would mind taking his son to the bathroom. Naturally, the answer was no unless for some reason you are unable to stand up because that is waaay outside the comfort zone especially if the father is right there and free. He's not very happy on the basis that he cleaned my cat's litter tray last week when I was ill.

Just me or are a cat and a child very different?

OP posts:

MsWanaBanana · 16/07/2017 15:35

Oh ffs it's not tit for tat. Just because he cleaned the litter tray he wants you to take over parental duties for his child, who already has a mother who is in the picture, cause he can't be arsed. Agree with a pp that he just wants and nanny he can shag

kaytee87 · 16/07/2017 15:37

He's just opting out of being a parent. Lazy shit. I wouldn't leave my child with someone I'd only known 7 months, let alone expect them to parent for me.
I'd get rid of this man child.

formerbabe · 16/07/2017 15:39

Within many traditional families, it is the mum who does the hard graft.

When a couple split up then the man on his days has to do the crappy boring parenting jobs as he cannot outsource the hard graft to mum...this is where you come in op.

You sound like you're doing the right thing to me.

Inertia · 16/07/2017 15:40

He wants you to (literally!) do the shitwork involved in raising his child.

QueenLaBeefah · 16/07/2017 15:41

He's a lazy fucker.

TinselTwins · 16/07/2017 15:44

What the fuck!

His poor son!

Imagine not parenting your kid coz you think someone owes you a favour so you don't have to do it

Tell him to be a parent and help his kid, it's not fair on the kid that his father doesn't want to parent him!

Tell him if he's not up to parenting he should re-arrange his weekends so he has him less. If he has him, he parents him.

Poor little kid!

Chattymummyhere · 16/07/2017 15:44

His comparing cat litter tray emptying to taking a unrelated child to the toilet??

Might be time to call it a day he clearly wants you to take over all child duties when the child is as his as he can only be bothered. Poor kid. Run as fast as you can.

JessicaEccles · 16/07/2017 15:44

This is why I will never date a man with children. I have seen this so much with my friends - the man seems to think that as you have a vagina, you can take on all the mum duties and he can continue sitting on his arse.
My manager used to get texts from her boyfriend asking her to buy his kids' underpants

Questioningeverything · 16/07/2017 15:45

Honestly I'd be walking away from this relationship. He sounds like a pushy fucker who doesn't want to do his own parenting.
If my oh was trying this with me (together a year off and on) I'd be walking. No, I'd be running. But he wouldn't because he's not a lazy prick

TinselTwins · 16/07/2017 15:46

It's a good thing you don't want kids because nobody should have any more kids with this man until he steps up and stops trying to avoid parenting the child he has already.

OP, get up, go out for a walk/visit a friend.
Make arrangements for next time the kid is due to visit
(although knowing men like this, he'll prob just drop the kid round his mum's or his sisters house if you're not there to bully into taking care of him)

Evewasinnocent · 16/07/2017 15:47

YANBU - you sound like a perfect DSM - and why would you build a 'maternal' connection? I had 2 DSC and love them - but I never did any of the things your BF is asking and think he is being unreasonable!

From my own experience (my own DC) NEVER go to children parties / school plays / sports day / school pick-ups etc

krustykittens · 16/07/2017 15:48

FFS, OP, run! He's a lazy prick that thinks you should take over parenting while he has all the fun of being a disney dad. He's proved himself an arse, time to go. Although I do feel very sorry for his child.

TinselTwins · 16/07/2017 15:49

I still can't believe he is compairing looking after his child who he doesn't even see most of the time with cleaning up cat shit!

How awful, poor little chap!

DelphiniumBlue · 16/07/2017 15:52

I think you sound lovely, thoughtful and kind. You're quite right you are not his Mum, and it right to be aware of the Mum's boundaries.
I can't imagine why you would be picking up the little boy from nursery or getting involved with other mums. That is for the boys parents to do. If your DP wants to get to know them then he will need to do the pick-ups.
And why on earth would you have the boy when the Dad is away? Why would he even want you to? Helping out in emergency is one thing but acting as an unpaid babysitter during his contact time is not really appropriate.

Gemini69 · 16/07/2017 15:56

OP you sound absolutely lovely very balanced and most importantly honest....

well done x

KurriKurri · 16/07/2017 15:59

Does the child's mother know he is trying to get you to do his parenting for him? he sounds like lazy fucker who wants you to do the boring stuff like bathroom, nursery pick ups, kids parties etc. You aren;t the child's parent, you are a fairly new person in his life. You have it just right - you need to be kind and friendly so he feels welcome in your home, but cleaning up after him etc. is overstepping at the moment from your point of view and the child's (when the father is there - obviously if no one else around you would take him to bathroom).

The idea of you looking after him for days and overnights while father is away is ludicrous - would his Mum be happy with this?, - I wouldn't be if I was his Mum (and that is no reflection on you, simply that a child that young doing over nights should ideally be with close family members or people he knows very well)

Your BF is trying it on.

NellieFiveBellies · 16/07/2017 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdalindSchade · 16/07/2017 16:01

He's being so unreasonable and totally irresponsible. He should not be encouraging a step parent relationship at 7months in for his son's sake! For goodness sake, that's appalling parenting. And I cannot believe he compared looking after his son to cleaning your cat's litter box

KurriKurri · 16/07/2017 16:01

The cat shit comparison shows he is clueless - cats don;t care who cleans up their shit, a little boy might well mind who takes him to the bathroom.

Willow2017 · 16/07/2017 16:02

You need to seriously think if this is for the long haul or not.
It's only 7 months and many people would think you should only be getting to know the kid by now. Your bf is massively pushing ahead and sees you as someone to tak3 over his parenting duties because you are a woman. And yes going to kids parties can be hard work and boring and he is looking for a cop out. His kid his responsibility. You are not his child minder. If he is this bad at 7 months it will only get worse.
If you don't want kids and are not comfortable around them then I don't see this relationship working out as you will always feel you are declining to do things your bf knows you don't want to do but still asks anyway.

Willow2017 · 16/07/2017 16:06

And no way would I allow someome my ex had known 7 months to look after my kid during the day never mind overnight when he isn't there. Your bf is immature and selfish he isn't taking his little boys needs into consideration at all. I really couldn't be with someone like that.

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