To not want to be my BF's son's second mother?

[PixieXox]

Quick note: I'm really not up for any abuse as I'm aware my feelings won't align with many of yours. Let's keep it to support or helpful suggestions/advice please? Thanks

Okay so for a little bit of background, my boyfriend has a 4 year old with his ex. The son still lives with the ex but sees my boyfriend quite regularly. I'm not massively comfortable around children but I am polite and kind to his son and join them at things I feel comfortable going to (for example, I'll arrange to take them both to lunch etc and wee days out but would leave things like children's parties to the father because that scene is just not for me at all).

The boyfriend fully supports my own decision to never have my own children and respects the fact that I make an effort to get to know his son. I'm honestly nothing but lovely to him but I stay within my own boundaries. However, boyfriend seems to think I'm not building enough of a maternal connection to him. His thoughts are that I should be taking his son to his friend's parties and getting to know them and their families, hanging out with other mums, picking him up from nursery alone and so on so forth. He has even asked me to consider looking after his son when he is working away for a few nights and was annoyed when I said it's not something I feel like I can handle.

It's worth noting I do make financial contributions so money is not the issue.. I buy him wee toys and outfits every so often when he's coming over and help out with other costs when it's reasonable to do so.

Am I being unreasonable or is he? I understand that I need to have some relationship with his son and I have made an effort to get to a point where he likes and trusts me. However, I feel that if I were to do the things that are being asked of me I would be making myself uncomfortable and stepping on his mum's toes a bit.

Any thoughts or advice? I've never been in a situation like this before and want to handle it delicately. Ps we've only been dating 7 months.

[GinnyWreckin]

I'm guessing his lazy behaviour now is an indication of why the little boy's mum fired him. She's better off without him, as will you.

He's lazy and a user.
Run away OP.

I'd be tempted to let the boy's mum know that her X is willing to offload parenting duties to the nearest woman, (you, at the moment) as she may want to renegotiate the arrangements for the sake of her little boy.

[Lottie991]

Yanbu you made it clear what role you wish to have, And tbh I don't think you are doing anything wrong.

[May50]

YANBU at all. My ExP has a GF now for 4 months and I would not be happy at all if she was left being mother to my DC. She hasn't even met DC as far as I'm aware , DC is taken out by Dad one day each weekend. That suits me fine at the mo though I know I'll have to deal with it in the future if their relationship continues. But if I knew that the plan was for DC to stay 3 nights with GF as dad off somewhere I would just say no and cancel the visit .

[Hotheadwheresthecoldbath]

I think you are doing quite enough especially as you have only been together for a short time.The little boy will love having his dad collecting him,taking him to parties etc. as I expect it all fell to his ex before.
Also a 4yr old has quite enough to cope with with split parents without one of them dumping him wherever possible.
And another on who hated the school run/parties and forced small talk,bad enough if you are one of the parents but death if you are not.

[Jux]

Oh dear, your update sounds like hhe's not going to go the distance. Does he live with you? Please say no!

[Rubies12345]

He has even asked me to consider looking after his son when he is working away for a few nights and was annoyed when I said it's not something I feel like I can handle

I bet the child's mother wouldn't be comfortable with that.

[swingofthings]

Like many father in his position, what he is telling you is that taking on the responsibility of a parent is hard work, and if thinks that as you are now together, you are one unit and therefore he should be able to share the hard work with you.

HE IS WRONG. You don't have to help him and you don't have to make it easier for him. He chose to be a parent and he has to accept that it is role. As you've said, what you owe him and his son is to be respectful towards him and being a priority in his life.

What he is telling you is that because he can't play happy family with his son's mum any longer, he wants to play it with you. If that's not what you want, then you need to make it very clear to him.

[5moreminutes]

He's not very happy on the basis that he cleaned my cat's litter tray last week when I was ill.

Even if litter trays and taking children to the bathroom were the same, you were ill - is he ill and unable to take his child to the bathroom?

Don't 4 year olds take themselves to the bathroom then yell for somebody to wipe their arse if necessary? (I know that's not the point!)

[FinallyHere]

Well, from his point of view, its worth a try, encouraging you to step up and parent his child...

As for the cat v kid comparison, he is missing the point, which is that he stepped up to clean the litter tray, in your words when I was ill. Maybe if he were ill, in a emergency, you might find yourself covering some of his tasks.

Count yourself lucky, he is showing you who he is, fairly early on in the relationship. Listen to him, and decide what you want to do. All the very, very best.

[VladmirsPoutine]

You honestly should break up with him. He essentially wants to play happy family which is not on at the stage you are in.

As he should you.

He has a child.

You are behaving as though you had no expectation of what would be the consequences and wanting a reward for occasionally getting the boy a bath bomb.

The relationship should end. Poor little boy.

[BraveBear]

However, boyfriend seems to think I'm not building enough of a maternal connection to him. His thoughts are that I should be taking his son to his friend's parties and getting to know them and their families, hanging out with other mums, picking him up from nursery alone and so on so forth. He has even asked me to consider looking after his son when he is working away for a few nights and was annoyed when I said it's not something I feel like I can handle.

HA! Maternal connection my arse. He blatantly expects to palm off his parenting responsibilities on you. If he wants someone to take over all the running around for his child he can do what other people do and pay someone to do it.

As for your update - is he currently ill? Does he have his hands full? Or is he again trying to push at your boundaries and get you to do things for his DS that he could easily do himself? It sounds like this is going to be an ongoing power game... The saddest thing is that if/when you walk away, he stands a good chance of hitting gold with the next one...

[VladmirsPoutine]

I think YABU to date a man with a child when you feel this way

This x a 100!

What did you expect.

It's a bit like saying you only meant to play with fire, you didn't think that fire burns.

[Anniegetyourgun]

It's the phrase "other mums" that gets my goat. You are not a mother and have made it quite clear that you don't intend to become one. Yet by lumping you with "other mums" it's as though you already were. I may be reading too much into it but the language people use can sometimes give away a lot about their perspective. And your DP's perspective has you firmly in "mum" camp. If this is not what you want, may I point out that the hills are that way >>>>>>

[coconutpie]

He wants to pawn off his parental responsibility onto you. YANBU at all. I would get rid, he is only using you.

[teraculum29]

I wont be surprise if one of the reasons of him spliting up with his wife was that he wasn't pulling his weight in childcare.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Oh dear, tell him to jog on, imagine what he'll be like in eighteen months. Stick to your cat Pixie, seriously.

[Jux]

Run now. The sooner you do, the less that child - and the rest of you - will be hurt.

[PNGirl]

You need to do as you have done and nip this in the bud. Otherwise in years to come you'll be the one on the school emergency contact list who's leaving work early because his child's thrown up or got a temperature.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

Your boyfriend is being very unreasonable to expect you to be maternal when you've said no. Despite you being clear, it doesn't sound like he's heard you. He wants you doing parental stuff even when he's not there!
Yanbu to not want to be a mother but Yabu to date a man with child. If the mum died or was too ill to look after the child, he'd live with you all of the time. It would easier on everyone if you cut your losses now.

[Jaxhog]

You've only known him for a few months and you are being honest about what you can handle, so YANBU.

I would think seriously whether he is the one for you long term. He's already setting expectations that you have been clear you can't meet. He's unlikely to change.

[KurriKurri]

For those saying what did the OP expect by dating someone with a child, I would not expect after only seven months to be getting involve in the childs life to the extent of picking him up form nursery, taking him to parties, and having him for sleepovers when the parent is away.

If someone had come on and said they were doing those things and expected to do them people would be saying - back off, it is too soon,you are not this child's mother. far worse for her to be over involved so the child gets very attached and then the relationship to break up - he's already had to cope with one break up in his life.

Absolutely ridiculous and very bad for the child for her to assume the role of substitute Mum. She needs to be kind welcoming 'daddy's friend' at the moment. To say you can't date someone with kidsunless you want to be their children's mother, is crazy.

[VladmirsPoutine]

Run now. The sooner you do, the less that child - and the rest of you - will be hurt

Agree with this. But happen to think it really should be him that's running. You don't want kids yet complain when a man you've chosen to date has one and expects you to pitch in.

You will only grow to resent each other further with this little boy becoming embroiled in the situation.

You and your partner sound as awful as each other.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

......or taking him to the toilet, 'cos his lazy arsed Father, can't be bothered, 'cos he emptied the cat's litter tray .... give me strength! 🙄

[TicketyBoo83]

Run. Run like your tampon string is on fire 🔥

[PixieXox]

KurriKurri Thank you so much.

Just to clear things up, I expected to date a human being who happens to have a child. As a result of that I accepted the fact that I could not always come first and that sometimes there would be compromises. I also expected that if I ever want to be a mother I can choose to have a baby myself and that him having a child himself would not present me with any obligation to be a second mother to the child as he is not my son.

OH & I were friends for years before anything happened and he knows how far from maternal I am. When a child came near me I would need to move because I was that uncomfortable (sorry, not sure why I react that way but I just do) and he knew that so I think by being able to be calm and polite I'm doing quite well considering. It's just a shame it suddenly seems like it's not enough. xxx