DCs (age 8 and 10) can't swim or ride bikes

[iwouldgoouttonight]

It's more of a what would you do really. I feel like such a failure as a parent. If one child couldn't swim or ride a bike I might think that was their personality and they weren't a very physical person but as it's both of them I guess it's our fault.

They went to swimming lessons for about a year when they were younger (about 4 and 6) and they didn't enjoy it but I kept encouraging them to go. But by the end although DC1 had moved up a group they still both hated it, to the stage where they'd have only got in the water if I'd physically picked them up and put them in screaming and crying (which I wasn't going to do).

DP can't swim so I thought I'd take them swimming each week and teach them myself. They enjoy being in the water and DC1 has got to the stage where he can 'swim' under water and is very confident but can't do an actual stroke and can't lift his head out to breathe without putting his feet on the floor. DC2 can't put her face in the water despite lots of encouragement. She's done it once, hated it, refuses to do it again.

Similar with bikes, they both had bikes, we tried with stabilisers, tried with taking the pedals off and going down a slight slope to get them balancing. But every time they'd get upset, say they don't want to do it and everyone would get stressed. We tried one to one and also with them both trying together. They've now both outgrown the bikes they had so they don't have bikes and it doesn't seem worth buying another one for it to sit in the shed with them refusing to ride it.

DP and I both cycle to work so they're see cycling as a normal every day activity but they just don't want to learn. DC1 had bikability at school and he refused to take part there too.

I'm not as bothered about the cycling but I would like them to learn to swim but I have no idea how to go about it. I thought one to one lessons might help but they don't want to go.

They're really well behaved and as enthusiastic about other things, and will try new things. Eg DC1 went on a school trip to an outdoor pursuits centre and tried abseiling, kayaking, etc. and enjoyed it.

Any ideas?? Saying 'learning to swim is non-negotiable in our house', as some RL friends have said, isn't helpful, we know it's important, but you can't physically force a child to do it.

Well then he may well be on the dyspraxic spectrum. As many many people are. And it might help him to learn to swim and ride a bike if you research what helps dyspraxic people learn to swim and learn to ride a bike.

For instance, when learning to ride a bike dyspraxics tend to fare better if you separate the balancing bit from the pedalling bit, and allow them lots and lots of time to practice both indepently before trying to put them together. So taking the pedals off the bike and using it as a balance bike. And practicing pedalling on an excersize bike.
I'm not saying that you need to rush to diagnose and label your children as dyspraxic, but the fact that they've got to 8 and 10 without learning swimming or cycling suggests some coordination and sensory difficulties and that they'd benefit from looking at different ways to learn and support them.

When DD started secondary school every new y7 had to be able to swim to a given (not partcularly high) standard. Parents had to sign a letter to say their children could reach this standard, or arrange lessons during the summer holidays before going into y7 to get them to that standard. This was basically because the school did not have the time or resources to accommodate non-swimmers in PE lessons .
I don't know if this is true of other schools, but it might be worthwhile finding out if it is likely to become an issue.

It does sound a little bit as though they have learned to give up when they find an activity hard, so maybe some work on their resilience and willingness to learn from difficulties might be useful.

My dd has had many years of swimming in a small group of 4 with a fab instructor. One of the children in the group was a swim refuser when she first started and the teacher was very gentle. The girl can now swim crawl, breast stroke and back stroke and is now learning to dive. This has taken about two years. She is 9.

My friend's ds also has swim classes with school and my friend helps out (she's a swim instructor with the school). The instructors in these groups are apparently diabolical with the swim refusers and have only served to increase these children's anxiety, which is why you now have to undo all the negative feelings your children have toward lessons.

To this effect, do NOT punish your children for refusing to work with a teacher or getting in the water. It all needs to be positive reinforcement.

My advice would be to have a 1-2-2 group with your two children together with a sensitive instructor. Perhaps one, who seems like he/she'd be good teaching babies and who uses Alexander technique as opposed to ASA as this is far gentler. IE not at an instructor attached to a municipal pool.

Dd has now finished lessons and I took them to a private pool, which the instructor rented from the home owners.

Seeingadistance
how many people here on this thread have fallen into water at some point in their life and would have drowned if they hadn't been able to swim?

I did. I was sat at the edge of the sea playing age about 10 and a large wave came in and washed half the beach away taking me with it. I was dragged out to sea I ended up around 1/2 a mile down the coast.

My children have been dragged kicking and screaming to swimming lessons but I refuse to allow them to decide theyre giving it up. Its important. It saved my life because I didn't panic and I knew how to save myself. A non swimmer in the same predicament would have drowned.

Any girl guide water activities for dd2 require that you can swim 50m - could you do rewards on a chart based on progress from 10m in increments up to 50? Our leisure centre used to do a one week intensive course in the holidays which was great.

As a start... ( there's loads of other information out there.)

dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-children/bike-riding-tips/

dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-children/swimming-instructors-guide/

An OT would be a good person to have a chat with too!

It's never too late, and sometimes taking the pressure off for a while can help.
My husband is just learning to swim at the age of 66. He was a fisherman in the North Sea for over 30 years too ( at that time it was considered foolish to learn to swim because if you fell in, you'd die from the cold anyway and swimming would just mean you took longer to die.) Thankfully things have changed now.
Sometimes the way the lessons are presented can make all the difference. None of ours got on with the school lessons, but learning with a swimming club was much better. We also booked them swimming lessons in very small groups as a holiday activity and the loved that too. One has such sever concentration problems that they are unlikely to be able to learn to swim really well, but they have the basics.
I don't think any of our kids was riding a bike without stabilizers before the age of 8 or 9. We bribed one with their choice of video game once they could ride a mile and let them practise on their own because they hate being taught. Once they could go off and do their own thing, the others wanted to learn too and now only the very smallest one can't ride without stabilizers.

Dyspraxia is a tough one to call tbh. DS2 fits about half of the recognised issues yet he rode a bike without stabilisers at age 3 and completed all the swimming levels and all the lifeguard levels too by the end of primary. He is reasonably accomplished at the guitar yet cannot write legibly, is a nightmare when tying his laces and struggles to spread bread or toast without ripping it to bits. His organisation skills are poor, he cant be trusted with tools, can't do team sports, can't dance, is very clumsy in general (walks into walls, trips on the stairs) Overly sensitive to noise, taste, touch and smell.

So it's possible to be effected on some things but not others.

Nah I can't swim properly nor can dh and apart from both nearly drowning as toddlers there's no other reason. Our 3 dcs can and we never pushed them, they just did. Maybe because they knew we weren't bothered either way.

Make it a holiday thing. Go somewhere warm with a swimming pool. Get lots of fun toys for the pool and use them as rewards/bribes for e.g. swimming a width, learning a new stroke, swimming a length etc. Even a week is enough if there's enough incentive.

Could do something similar with bikes (not the same holiday!). Go somewhere with nice, flat tracks and so on. Plan where you'll cycle to e.g. icecream van, climbing frame, whatever. By the end of week, they should be confident enough.

Have you spoken to them about how you feel? They are old enough to hear simply that swimming is a really important life skill, it will save them from drowning and more importantly they will feel like absolute prats when they are older and left out of trips and beach holidays with friends because they are inadequate at swimming. Just explain what you are worried about them missing out on.

I couldn't swim til I was 10. My mum was in her thirties. My DS wouldn't swim despite every lessson combination. He finally swam aged 8. Some people take longer than others. It will come

Re cycling.
My ds was later to learn. I got him a large balance bike suitable for older kids off the internet. He then got the hang of it quite easily.

Also go to centre parcs on holiday - children feel like absolute dicks at center parcs if they can't ride bikes and swim! Nothing more likely to tempt them.

Don't give up
Swimming is vital. My dds are very strong swimmers. However, my dd) ( 11) is still having lessons despite starting lessons at four. He is still on stage 7 and has three more stages to go.

Kimmy How will it save them from drowning if they are overcome by a strong current in the sea? Did you read my and other pp's posts?

Olenna , I have a friend who is Sqimming teacher in similar circumstances she has'taught' dc with their parents or indeed whole family . I would google SEN swimming teachers , sgmge teaches a particular method which is very low stress will ask next time I see her . She also teaches I. Private pools so you are the only people in the pool. There are quite a few people around here who do the same , it is worth exploring avenues other than big public echoing pools. All of mine learnt privately although in their case it was in small groups of around 4

My second child took a LOT of practice sessions before she learnt to ride her bike. The key was when I realised that she couldn't balance yet and we did a couple of sessions where she kind of scooted the bike a bit and then stuck her feet out to the sides and tried to balance. We also did a couple where I just held her and she pedalled but I never let go. Eventually she got there and I'm sure your kids will too with persistence and patience and a good strategy for learning. Strangely enough she learnt to swim at around the same time and my older child also learnt to swim and cycle within a short space of time. Again, both had years of weekly swimming lessons before they could swim without putting their feet down, they were progressing in other ways it just took a lot of coordination to master that particular skill.

Hi I'm a swimming teacher. It sounds like your 2 aren't very far apart ability-wise so private lessons for just the 2 of them with a teacher might work for you.

You need a teacher that is in the water with them which a decent teacher should be happy to do.

Also bear in mind that learning to swim starts way before learning to swim actual strokes. They should start by learning basic water confidence skills. There is a national teaching plan that all teachers should follow. The duckling awards are the basic water skills levels and then it moves onto the numbered stages. You probably need to work backwards a little and give them time to develop the more basic skills in the water. It may seem like they aren't doing much other than playing but this will give them the ability to move forwards.

Bear in mind that learning to swim is not a quick process for most children. I'm always surprised at how many parents think they can book a course of 12 lessons and the child will be a competent swimmer.

For many water activities through schools or clubs etc. They normally need to be able to do 50/100 metres. IMO you are looking at at least 2 years of regular lessons to get to this stage and probably longer.

I know the feeling well. Like you've failed a bit because your kids aren't doing a million and one activities and everyone else seems to be smashing it. It's not really like that, when you get real with other parents, there are a lot of frustrated parents that are forcing their kids into activities and feeling bad about it.

We have to really cajole and sometimes threaten our son into doing things. He'd happily spend all day daydreaming or playing Lego or Nintendo.

Engineer some friendships with lively, bike riding children. Get your biking friends out for bike rides and bring the kids. Peer and group pressure / excitement is the best solution in my experience.

I'm proper hard sometimes though - I make up for it by praising his natural talents and having lots of time for talking and playing board games (Which he loves).

Also I just thought that sometimes really intensive lessons can help a child turn a corner. In the summer holidays and half-terms there will be somewhere that will offer a lesson a day for a week or 2.

I had slack parents and DH taught me to swim and ride a bike as an adult. Before then, I never put myself in a position where I was likely to drown, or had to cycle.

But as a kid and a teenager I missed out on so much fun; swimming and water parks, bike rides and picnics. It's horrible to be the person who can't join in.

All my four have been in the water regularly since infancy. They were dog paddling fearlessly as preschoolers and had lessons on technique at 6 or 7. They've all learned to cycle from a young age too using the take the pedals off method. DS2 was cycling to preschool and I think DD2 took the longest at about 6.

My older two cycle at Uni and save a fair bit of money; DS1 has worked as a cycle instructor; DD1 is currently working at a summer camp in the USA and in or on the lake every day; DD2 is slightly hypermobile and swims twice a week for exercise; DS4 has this summer had bikeability and a visit to a water park as post SAT treats. All these things are not possible for kids who are not taught the basic skills. It's about much more than just lifesaving.

Re. the bike riding: where are you taking them? I ask because I learned when I was 22 , on a wet caravan site in North Wales, where no one knew me so I didn't care about being laughed at or feeling silly. In fact, maybe they're self-conscious about learning to swim as well. As adults, we can fake it 'til we make it, but self-conscious children don't have that ability.
I know for me, trying to learn with a friend (aged 7), one obnoxious kid sneering 'she can't ride a bike!' was enough to send me back indoors and never venture on a bike in public again, apart from trying to skid along on my younger brother's in the kitchen. I felt like an idiot, always expecting to be 'found out.' It didn't help that my parents never even suggested buying bikes for me and my suster, whereas when my brothers came along maximum effort was made to get them cycling. < sob >
Anyway, your dcs clearly have parents motivated to teach them, but maybe try and find a deserted aerodrome or similar! I agree they may not want to cycle as teenagers or adults, but at least they should be able to have a choice in the matter.
Thanks to whoever posted the link about cycling instructors; might consider that myself! as long as we go to a deserted aerodrome

Slack parents is a good description Tinkly.

I think people who can swim are potentially at much more danger of drowning as they are the ones who will take a chance in the sea, a lake, a reservoir and risk getting into difficulty.

Non swimmers tend to avoid water contexts like the plague.