Restaurant bill query

[SallyGinnamon]

So we were sort of bamboozled into having a Spanish teen staying with us for a fortnight - niece of a friend of DH.

She's lovely and the same age as DD but for all of us it's hard going having someone in the house for more than a few days.

Anyway, we found out that the day that she was leaving was actually her birthday. Her DF said that he would fly in the night before, stay in an hotel then collect her at 10am on the Saturday.

For her final night we booked a meal in Pizza Express for the five of us (Me, DH,DD,DS and Spanish girl). Partly as a treat as it was almost her birthday.

That evening got a text from her DF that he was coming round to collect some luggage. I explained that we were taking Spanish girl out to eat as it was her birthday so he decided to come with us.

At the end of the meal the bill came and he just ignored it. Sat there silently looking straight ahead. So DH picked it up and paid. No thank you, nothing.

So AIBU to be a bit cross about this? We were expecting to take his daughter out, not him. He sort of invited himself. Plus I've fed and ferried about his DD for two weeks using my own food and petrol.

I was expecting him to offer to contribute something. Or at least say thank you.

DH thinks it might be a cultural thing. AIBU?

You invited him. I think you should have paid.

I can see both sides. They bought you an expensive gift (albeit not to your taste) as a thank you. They may have assumed that since you 'offered' to host their DD you may be offended by an offer of money.

Even though you don't feel like you invited DF, it may have come across as though you did. I am a little surprised there was no offer of payment in these circumstances. The Spanish are usually most generous, but I think that he may have again felt that you might have been offended and could quite justifiably feel that his expensive gift may suffice.

I completely agree with the pp re your DD visiting their home in Spain. I am quite sure that your DD would really enjoy experiencing a different culture, and the family would appreciate the opportunity to reciprocate your generosity. I think if your DD were to benefit from their hospitality, you may feel differently about the whole thing.

No colonel, not angst, just surprise at different interpretations of manners.

And phone, he wasn't exactly invited, he turned up a day early and invited himself.

Hence my question about if this is cultural.

If someone invites me to a restaurant I'd always offer to pay my share, and accept graciously with thanks if the host turned my offer down. Contrarily if we invite we always expect to pay.

But no offer and no thanks either. Just staring straight ahead and silence when the bill came. That's what surprised us!

contrary I also live in the real world surprisingly. In britain, I have never ever once seen an advert for this company.
If like 99% of the British, or indeed world population, you didn't spend large amounts of time as a child being taken round Spanish porcelain outlet centres, then I think it's hardly surprising many people have never heard of them.
Oh, and the reverse snob thing? I'm not being either sobbish or reverse snobby about them as I have no idea whether they are good quality/ shite quality etc. as I've never heard of them.
You sound unnecessarily angry

It was odd that he didn't say thank you. Did he thank you for having his daughter? Did you thank him in person for the gift when you saw him?

Clearly, an invitation at the point you planned the meal couldn't happen, because you didn't know he would be around. Sometimes this happens doesn't it - you make a plan and then another family member turns out to be in the vicinity. Most people in that situation would then actively invite the surprise person to join them. Usually that's a willing invitation. I said before it would have been extremely odd to have not had the girls father at her own birthday celebration when he was arriving in the country. So the fact he wasn't directly invited initially isn't really an issue is it? To have actively told him he couldn't join you would have been rude. You didn't go as far as being gracious and warmly encouraging him to join you - instead, you rather grudgingly tolerated his presence. Perhaps he felt that he wasn't welcome throughout the meal. Perhaps he felt you were rude in the thanks given for the gift, approach to his daughter or himself. None of it probably mattered in the end.

I guess in the end, this became something that you didn't feel 100% in control of and perhaps you like to be fully in control. Someone ended up at the meal that you weren't expecting, you were given the bill and the man didn't offer to pay or offer his share. Sometimes these things happen and on reflection you usually realise it's all very small fry and not worth sweating about at all. Focus on the positives of having the girl to stay and leave it at that, rather than nit picking about if he invited himself or not and if he should have offered to pay and what exactly he should have said. Life is too short for this stuff, but new and different experiences should be enriching not a source of nit picking over behaviours which are neither here nor there.

Some Lladro figures are expensive, my mum is a collector, I hate them, but some of hers are worth quite a bit of money. Check it out, you might be in luck......fingers crossed xx

He was probably puzzled as to why you weren't impressed with his expensive gift. You were puzzled because he didn't pay the bill.
Miscommunication all the way here I think. Hope he gave her lots of pocket money???

Sell the fucking Lladro!

Your DH proved himself to be more of a man than the other guy.

I think if you are going to host people you should do it graciously. You shouldn't have hosted the girl if you were going to be worrying about spending a few pound here or there. Did you not realise that expenses would be involved, including the meal out to celebrate her birthday that her father attended!

I love some Lladro (not all! I've got three of these, two girls and a boy ... they're over a foot high and now worth about £250 each (I didn't pay anywhere near that!) and everyone admires them. So not all Lladro is horrible!

I think it's a lovely present to give to be honest.

I am Spanish. It's not a cultural thing. Is someone tight trying to get out of paying, and trying to get his daughter to stay in England for free two weeks.
YANBU. At all.

They're probably expecting that your child will stay with them and they will take her out and pay for her, and you if you happen to be there.

Can I just clear up that it's not about the money. More than happy to pay to take the lovely girl out on her last night and also her DF when he arrived early. It's about expecting a thank you when we pay.

And to use a favourite MN expression if I was invited to a restaurant I'd be called 'entitled' if I just assumed/expected hosts to pay without asking or offering first.

The reason I raised the money was that everyone was saying 'it's only Pizza Express' when actually that's a treat for us. Don't begrudge the money, but I do the expectation on MN that it's so cheap that it's not worth thinking about!

Makes me wonder if the ornament was an regift from the family in the first place

This is entirely a Spanish thing. (I lived there for years, I'm married to one and I'm used to hosting many of them here). It's an expectation that the host pays. Never a second thought is given to it. Likewise if you went to them ...they would pay without batting an eyelid and without expecting you to say thank you. I've lost count of the times I've invited a Spaniard somewhere, had to pay for all and that payment not be even vaguely acknowledged. It used to upset me but now I just expect it. 😊

In many places the host pays for everything

I think he took the "did you eat in the plane" as an invitation to join you. After all, you were also celebrating her DD's birthday. Once there, was he supposed to pay only his meal? That would be odd. Would be pay his meal and his DD's too? That would be also very odd, because you told him you were celebrating her DD's birthday. Should he had paid for all? Again, you said it was a celebration, so it would be offensive to take from you the meal out since it was understood as a parting dinner and a birthday present of sorts. He probably never thought it would puzzled you and considered you had invited him to the meal, as to join in the birthday meal out.
He invited your DC there, so he was offering to be the host there and paid for your DC's expenses.
In Spain is a bit rude to pay for expenses / cost, unless agreed in advance. Otherwise is like passing a bill for hosting, and in Spain would be quite rude. The expectation is that the host pays but the guest reciprocates by being the host next time.

Also agreed with PP, if they asked if you knew anyone to host, they just meant that. You might have read it in a British way and assumed they were asking politely if you could host.

In Spain politeness and gratitude is also shown differently. They might not say thank you all the time, but they comment on the food, the drink, the house, whatever.

The reason I raised the money was that everyone was saying 'it's only Pizza Express' when actually that's a treat for us. Don't begrudge the money, but I do the expectation on MN that it's so cheap that it's not worth thinking about!

^ Exactly

The staring seems really like WTF but then its usual in other countries I guess. When I lived in Morocco I was stared at a lot, most Europeans are. If I remember right there's a thing on the FCO website warning visitors to the UK not to stare at people here as it would probably lead to confrontation

I'd reply to the original email (copying in the family or whoever) and say what a pleasure it was to meet (insert name of Spanish girl) and we've worked out the expenses now (breakdown attached for your convenience). Best wishes (insert your name)

If you're worried about posting the figurine you could always put it on gumtree!
That aside I'll bet it was lovely for her to be fussed over on her birthday if she usually spent it at camp- she will have some wonderful memories of your kindness!

Just to put my halfpennyworth in ....cos I can't resist it..
...in my opinion Pizza Express IS expensive for what it is without vouchers
...and I think it's a little rude to be surprised when people don't know about something...such as LLandro. I have certainly NEVER heard of it...but then I am not in the slightest bit interested in china anyway and don't like china figurines etc in general. Just my personal taste. I am sure I know stuff other people don't...it's not always lack of education, it's also lack of interest/exposure to things
(a few years ago , talking to a 16 year old , she asked "What's Europe?" Although I was a little aghast I also felt sorry for her for her lack of education...and exposure)

And I would sell the figure...you could always say it unfortunately broke if they ever visited your home again.

Not cultural in my experience. I did a Spanish exchange as an adult in college and stayed with a family who then stayed with us. They are very lovely and took me lots of places as did the other host families. They gave gifts to each of my family when they stayed with us.

If it was Lladro then that's an expensive Porcelain that is made in Spain, NAO is the slightly cheaper version but still not cheap. Or was it a tacky plastic figure