Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Restaurant bill query

155 replies

SallyGinnamon · 15/07/2017 17:53

So we were sort of bamboozled into having a Spanish teen staying with us for a fortnight - niece of a friend of DH.

She's lovely and the same age as DD but for all of us it's hard going having someone in the house for more than a few days.

Anyway, we found out that the day that she was leaving was actually her birthday. Her DF said that he would fly in the night before, stay in an hotel then collect her at 10am on the Saturday.

For her final night we booked a meal in Pizza Express for the five of us (Me, DH,DD,DS and Spanish girl). Partly as a treat as it was almost her birthday.

That evening got a text from her DF that he was coming round to collect some luggage. I explained that we were taking Spanish girl out to eat as it was her birthday so he decided to come with us.

At the end of the meal the bill came and he just ignored it. Sat there silently looking straight ahead. So DH picked it up and paid. No thank you, nothing.

So AIBU to be a bit cross about this? We were expecting to take his daughter out, not him. He sort of invited himself. Plus I've fed and ferried about his DD for two weeks using my own food and petrol.

I was expecting him to offer to contribute something. Or at least say thank you.

DH thinks it might be a cultural thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
Migraleve · 15/07/2017 18:50

You had already booked the meal. Then you invited him along. What part of that meant you thought he would pay?

BreconBeBuggered · 15/07/2017 18:51

There's probably someone out there on a Spanish forum asking 'AIBU to think DD's hosts should have been more grateful for this gift?'

Whichwayyisup · 15/07/2017 18:57

Are you going to bill them for the stay OP?

Tofutti · 15/07/2017 18:58

Migraleve RTFT, OP didn't invite him

Migraleve · 15/07/2017 18:59

I explained that we were taking Spanish girl out to eat as it was her birthday so he decided to come with us.

I took this to mean she did. Apologies read wrong

SnickersWasAHorse · 15/07/2017 19:00

Surely if it was a cultural thing its up to him to follow the culture here not the other way round

What if he wasn't aware that was the culture here?
I'm sure that any one of us would offer to cover the bill or at least part of it but if the culture in Spain is that when you invite someone to join you then you are paying it possibly didn't even occur to him.

Not keen on the figure at all.

SnickersWasAHorse · 15/07/2017 19:01

You had already booked the meal. Then you invited him along. What part of that meant you thought he would pay?

Politeness and common courtesy would be to contribute to the bill at least.

Llanali · 15/07/2017 19:02

Not important really but I like Lladro and would be thrilled to receive some.

Original poster
SallyGinnamon · 15/07/2017 19:03

Sorry. I didn't invite him. I said, did you eat on the plane. He said no, I'll come with you.

OP posts:
contrary13 · 15/07/2017 19:04

You've never heard of Lladro...

I'd heard of it by the time that I was 4 or 5 years old. It's hugely collectible.

The father was rude... but you presumably have tongues in your mouths to form the words "your cut of the bill will be..."?! You agreed to fund his daughter's birthday meal - and that's a very kind thing for you to do, especially after she was foisted on you. But you didn't agree to an interloper, even her own father.

And why would she need collecting? Presumably she wasn't delivered to you...?

FinnegansCake · 15/07/2017 19:04

This sounds like a cultural misunderstanding.

The girl arrived with an expensive gift, whose value surely covers the cost of her board and lodging. Even though the gift wasn't to your taste, her father no doubt feels that he has therefore made a contribution to her stay. He joined you for the dinner you were having to celebrate his daughter's birthday and expected to be included in the invitation - this is quite normal in many cultures.

You say the Spanish girl was lovely, so look upon it as an enriching cultural experience for your daughter to have a new friend from another country. Unless you are struggling financially and found feeding an extra child difficult, I really don't understand your angst about not being paid "expenses ".

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 15/07/2017 19:05

Yeah you want DH to get in contact with his friend to ask about reimbursement and quote friend on what they said about the expenses being paid for.

I'd be too chicken to ask the DF to his face - unless I was totally pissed off!

LockedOutOfMN · 15/07/2017 19:07

I didn't invite him. I said, did you eat on the plane. He said no, I'll come with you.

I'm imagining this conversation with the Spanish part of my brain. If someone is mentioning a meal, especially within a family context, everyone in the conversation will assume they are invited and will probably force down food "to be polite" even if they had eaten a seven course banquet on the plane. A Spanish person would take "Did you eat on the plane?" as "I hope you didn't eat on the plane / can still eat something with us." This man would have felt he was being very rude if he hadn't joined you.

PearlyPinkNails · 15/07/2017 19:11

In Spain inviting someone means you pay.

Sell the lladro

Beeziekn33ze · 15/07/2017 19:13

Hoping OP hasn't recycled the box and certificate of authenticity and donated the Flamenco dancer to a charity shop. If so it may have been snapped up for a fiver. 🤑

Fairlyuselessfriend · 15/07/2017 19:13

Think it could well be cultural, our german friends wont let us pay in Germany but expect us to pay for them when in UK ( which is embarrassing as we go there more than they come here)

ChocolateWombat · 15/07/2017 19:14

To be honest, you sound rather lacking in hostess skills.

If you take in an exchange student, then you are the host and you need to do it willingly and graciously. Hosting involves some cost and some effort. It is just part of it. Part of it is also encountering different cultural expectations and finding them interesting, rather than judging them.

The father was arriving. Okay, you'd already planned the meal and hadn't factored him in...however, would you have preferred it if he had gone off to eat alone? Would that have made you feel happier?

Yes you ended up paying for another meal...but is it a big deal really? You don't sound as if you did it graciously at all, which to be honest, ruins any hosting anyway.

Yes, perhaps here people do offer to pay. However, this was a cultural exchange and you need to accept that expectations maybe different there. Just get over it and stop this very narrow minded, British centric view of things which can't see that there maybe loads of different ways of behaving socially which are different to yours. Embrace the differences and see them as interesting.

Others have said that a generous gift was brought. It may well be far more generous than you would have brought in the circumstances. Fine. Perhaps that is cultural too. Your first comment was that it wasn't to your taste. Again,nth at really doesn't matter and the gift was a typically Spanish gift, given as a cultural gift. Perhaps you need to grasp the idea of gifts and behaviour being cultural and these kind of visits as culturally enriching and interesting. If you're not able to take this more broad minded view, it's probably best not to get involved in such things again, which is a shame because they can be hugely enriching for everyone involved.

Jamhandprints · 15/07/2017 19:14

If he's spanish it's cultural. If it's your idea to go out then you pay. In his mind you invited him by telling him you were taking his daughter out. Splitting a bill would NEVER happen in Spain. On the other hand if he invited your whole family out he would probably pay for everyone without batting an eye lid. Spanish are very generous and they assume everyone is the same. You will have a holiday home for life with the girl's family now. Hope this helps. :-)

Original poster
SallyGinnamon · 15/07/2017 19:23

This is it.



OP posts:
ChocolateWombat · 15/07/2017 19:24

I would say, seize every opportunity to host like this. Seize every opportunity to go to other places like this. Kids who get to do this as a young age become more adaptable, flexible and open to different cultural expectations, which is all good. You also never know what relationships you will build which might become lifelong friendships or simply useful for future travel.
And expect to be generous rather than tight fisted. It's really important in huge parts of the world to actually be an extravagent host.
In this case, were you really e petting the father not to join you for a meal being thrown for his own daughter. That would have been odd wouldn't it. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and the unexpected a little bit - it is rarely a big deal, so don't overthink it, and hopefully you created a lovely evening as the hosts to both the girl and her father. Hopefully there are some good memories there for all of you, including more awareness of some cultural differences. Not offering to pay was not wrong by the man. It was simply different to what the English might do. That was all. Showing good hospitality though really should be universal and I'm afraid I think if anyone was lacking, it was probably you in your attitude, rather than him and his wallet.

honeysucklejasmine · 15/07/2017 19:28

Picture not there on the mobile site.

KERALA1 · 15/07/2017 19:29

You've been had. I get paid £170 per week per Spanish teen, I currently have 3, so averaging £2k per month in the summer.

FinnegansCake · 15/07/2017 19:40

ChocolateWombat I totally agree with what you said.

Most other cultures are much more relaxed about hosting. The only nit-picking about bills that I have ever encountered has been by Brits. My (foreign) DIL was shocked to the core when someone we'd had dinner with in a restaurant started elaborate calculations to split the cost of a bottle of wine, as in "You had two glasses, I just had one and a half, so James must have had two and a half, and it works out at XX per glass". She still talks about it with horrified amazement four years on!

strawberrygate · 15/07/2017 19:42

*You've never heard of Lladro...

I'd heard of it by the time that I was 4 or 5 years old. It's hugely collectible*

gosh, sneery mcsneerface. I have no interest in twee figurines so I've also never heard of them. I would also be a little flummoxed by a 4 year old having an interest in shite flamenco dancing figures unless their name is James Harris

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.