To dislike them for no reason

[treehugs]

Okay, so I know I am being unreasonable. I am posting for some hope that there is hope.

I can't stand my step daughters. To the point where I dread them even talking to me or being in the same room. They are nice children so it is not them - it is 100% me.

There is so much back story. My DP and I first got together 9 years ago and the majority of our relationship has been based on lies around his ex wife and children. I literally had my heart torn out and ripped to shreds. He left me heartbroken many times. During this time I really wanted a relationship with the kids but was never allowed. It created a massive barrier between us. I spent many Christmas days crying and alone because I would get let down by him. Not just Christmas - there have been many times similar.
During this time I also was raped (not by DP). But due to circumstances surrounding it I didn't feel able to report it. DP and I have never really spoke about it properly.

Now everything is great between DP and I. We have a great relationship, our own DD and no more ex wife issues and the kids stay every other weekend.

The problem is that I can't stand them being in my house, I have no interest in talking to them or spending time with them. I dread the time they spend with us. I am not horrible to them but I am not my usual friendly happy self when they are here.

I hate myself for it. I hate feeling this way about innocent children. But I can't snap out of it. I have tried so hard but the feeling are always there. I even hate them touching my DD.

I also have emetophobia which is much worse when they stay. I have had hypnotherapy which hasn't worked but has helped me understand it a bit more.

My hypnotherapist said that he thinks that all the things I have been through in the relationship have manifested itself into resentment towards his children.

I can quite believe this. I don't want to leave the relationship I just want to know if there is hope of changing my mindset towards his children.

Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading.

I think your hypnotherapist is right. It is easier to focus all your resentment on your step children, rather than on your partner, which is where it really belongs.

I honestly don't think things are great eith him now - you are fooling yourself. He hasn't been supportive or helped you at all wrt the rape. You've essentially had to deal with that alone. And he has messed you about a lot over the years. People don't just get over that - it leaves resentment.
You know his kids were innocent parties in whatever happened before. They were just put in the middle of a situation they had no say in - at least you got to choose to stay or leave.
My honest opinion is that you know deep down that you ought to have left him. You didn't and now you are stuck, because you have a baby. Things are okay on the surface but when it really mattered he hasn't had your back. And all that feeling has been channelled against his dds.

You need more therapy if you are going to stay - you must do something to chsnge how you think about his children. Honestly though, I think you can do better than being with him.

Your problem is your partner. You have forgiven him and moved on.

Except you havent. You have transfered your feelings, that should be directed at him. Onto the kids.

You have made them the scape goats of your partners behaviour.

And honestly they will pick up on your dislike. You need to help and soon. This is incredibly unfair on all involved.

You should have left this relationship a long time ago, your therapist is bang on the money & it's massively unfair on the children.

I don't think you're in a healthy relationship with your partner. You are projecting your resentment for him on to innocent children. Tbh it sounds like there is so much hurt you'd be better out of the relationship and certainly the DC would be better off not having to spend time with someone that hates them.

Your feelings are misplaced. The children did nothing to you, it was your partner's choices that made you feel like crap.
Things can't be so "great" especially as he was the real source of the issue.

Sorry you've had to deal with rape too

It absolutely sounds like you haven't forgiven or forgotten what your partner did, and you're projecting on to the children. Question is, what are you going to do about it? You know this isn't right or can continue. Is hypnotherapy actually helping? Have you been/considered any other type of therapy?

Start by thinking how you'd feel if a future stepmother was feeling like this towards your own daughter, misappropriated adult anger on a little girl. They will pick up on it eventually, this has to be dealt with quickly or you must leave for their own good.

Thank you so much for replying. It means a great deal to me.

I don't want to leave DP as he now is a great partner and father. I know what I sound like but genuinely I can't imagine not being with him. It's like we have two lives, our life and then a different one when his other DDs come to stay.

I have thought about more therapy but focus more on the issue with the children rather than the emetophobia.

I do try with the kids. It's just hard. I redecorated their room recently and bought them new pyjamas and it helped break down the barrier a little. But it quickly comes back up.

Also I have no idea what to talk to them about sometimes. I just feel awkward and stupid.

Edmund. Not sure what other therapy there is but yes I definitely need a change.

I have thought about if a step mum was like that with my daughter and it did make me try harder.

So those poor kids have, what sounds like, a pretty shit human being for a father and now they have a step mother how resents and hates them.

Your relationship with your DP sounds pretty screwed up tbh if you let him treat you so badly for so long and then brushed it, all unresolved, under the carpet.

You need to stop blaming his DCs for his appalling behaviour, it's not their fault.

Agree with pp that you need more therapy if you're going to get past this.

He's not a shit person. Most if what he did to me was because he was protecting them.

If you plan to stay with your partner forever, the kids come with him as a package and you have to sort your issues out, it's not their fault, they are kids. You need to go to your GP for counselling, to work through your issues, and Mabey anti depressants.

You need to sort your self out, as the issues are with you, not them. I really feel for those kids, your partner comes with them.

You probably have not delt with the rape, more like buried it underneath, you need professional help to help you through this.

So if you can see he just trying to do his best and protect his kids why do you say he ripped your heart to shreds?

What he could have done is walked away from the relationship so he could stop ripping you to shreds while he sorted the situation.

Plenty of women with kids avoid relationships while they sort their kids. Why cant men?

He isnt protecting his kids now. You cant stand them and they will pick up on it. They have to be at least over 10. He will know as well. But probably just ignore it as his relationship is more important. As a parent i would not have someone in my house that disliked my kids.

but he is the parent to them so your involvement is on the periphery

however you do need to sort this out. it is unfair. they will know

Do you ever talk to there rather than with or at them? I think if you are going to break down the barriers you are going to have to start from scratch in your own mind. I guess they are a few years older now than when you first got together . How about having some time with just them talking about what they like, watching YouTube videos of their favourite bands together over a hot chocolAte (just don't let them know if you think they're absolute garbage!) - let hem know snippets about you at that age, things you liked, how maybe your parents didn't get it.......find a conman link and build from that, otherwise the bond will never be there as adults and that will be so sad for everyone involved

perhaps move the thread to step parenting where you might get more advice op?

Do you mean that when you and dp first got together he kept you a secret from his then wife and dds? Do you think that you feel his love for you is diminished by his greater live for his dd's and when you see them, you equate them with his 'rejection' of you in those early days?

treehugs - Unless you can accept that your wonderful partner has been awful to you and has the capacity to be so awful again, this will never be sorted. You're probably being defensive with your stepdaughters because subconsciously you're expecting everything to fall apart again, and therefore stopping yourself having a loving relationship with them. Along with the misplaced anger.

Even if he's great now, the fact you refuse to deal with the past means your relationship with him and as a family is just a ticking time bomb in all honesty.

There is many variations of therapy available. Personally I think you definitely need couples counselling so you both acknowledge the past and where these feelings stem from. You also need individual support for the rape, which I am guessing you never dealt with since you're not getting support for him and no closure. On that account I'd probably speak to a GP about different types available.

I want to be patient, I really do but your most recent post defending your DP indicates that you've no interest in placing the blame for this where it belongs. YOU stuck it out with your multiple christmases crying alone and accepting all the lies he told you - out of interest what were the lies? - YOU accepted the bad treatment and internalised your resentment and now you're directing dislike and resentment towards two kids. It's your own choices that brought you here, your own choice to remain entangled with a man whose emotional attention was elsewhere - with his ex wife and children. I think yo need some strenuous counselling very soon or should make yourself scarce when the kids are around so they can spend time with their parent and sibling without you glowering in the background.

Oh dear, poor kids. I agree with all pp. You can change your mindset towards them but it won't happen by magic you need to put serious effort in. Fake it till you make it.

It's going to be hard though as you seem determined not to rock the boat with your
jerk husband who is the root cause of the issue.

Sorry I am trying to respond whilst looking after DD.
I am not defending DP for what he did back then. Now he is a different man. The problem was the ex making threats about the children. If he saw me Christmas Day for example she would threaten to move miles away back to where she comes from with them and make sure he couldn't see them. Or if I spent time with them alone she would threaten to report me to the police because it's 'inappropriate' the list is endless.

Someone posted a really inspiring message (sorry can't scroll back as on phone and short term memory is non existent!) about hot chocolate and spending time together. I am going to re read that and try to do something like that.

I know the rape has not been dealt with. I don't even like to think about it so not sure how easy it would be to talk about it.

Your partner doesn't sound great at all... Sounds like you don't talk about the bad stuff that happened so you've convinced yourself you've moved on, but you can't bring yourself to blame him so you're (consciously or not) blaming the children.

I know I have to do it. I know I need to change. To be honest just reading these messages is going to make me put some effort it shortly when I go down stairs.