Have a read of this OP. This was written by someone on Facebook who has step children, I was a step child (still am) and it feels terrible not to be wanted. The impact of your behaviour on these kids will be huge.
www.facebook.com/PartTimeWorkingMummy
Being a step parent....
I get messages daily asking me 'how I do it'. People wondering how our patchwork family always looks so rosy.
Let me tell you how...
Once upon a time I was a 4 year old girl who became another woman's full-time step-daughter.
I was a step-daughter that wasn't wanted, I was unloved and it was made known to me.
My siblings & I would sob because we missed our mum, my brother & I would repeatedly wet the bed with night terrors & instead of being comforted we would be disciplined. We weren't hugged or kissed by our step-mother nor did we ever hear the words "I love you" from her.
We were treated so differently to her biological children who we had to watch come in & take over our family home. Her biological children who, looking back, were probably as confused as us at why their mother suddenly gained four new children.
I grew with a broken heart and once I became a teenager that broken heart turned to anger, and I rebelled.
I rebelled so much that by the time I was taken into Foster Care I was so broken I didn't understand how I should think & feel anymore.
I rebelled as a teenager by taking Class A drugs and going to raves rather than revising for exams...and instead of sitting those exams I got involved in underage relationships with older men under some illusion I would receive the love that by then I desperately craved. I rebelled so much I ended up making so many life mistakes that sometimes I am amazed I'm still here to write these posts.
I remember being laid on my bottom bunk bed as an innocent five year old, to being laid in a pull out bed in my foster home as a damaged fifteen year old always making the same promise - that what ever children I ended up having in my life - be it step, foster or biological...whether it was my nieces, nephews or family friends babies I would love them. I would always show them love & affection, no matter what.
So that's what I do....
At times being a step-parent is the hardest, most challenging job in the world and I get emails every single day from men & women who feel they can no longer do it.
There is no time for that honeymoon period you would get in a relationship where there is no children. The honeymoon period where you spend days and days together doing what you want when you want because there are already tiny humans that you haven't even met that come before you.
We then go on to raise children that at times are hard work, that love to remind us we are not their real mum or dad. We can feel like they truly hate us and go out of their way to cause us nothing but upset & heart ache.
You can have huge issues with your step-child's biological parent which in itself can bring massive problems into your relationship.
If you have your own babies at times you can feel like they come second best and you feel guilt towards them that you are getting it all wrong.
We are being watched and judged and looked at on how we do things and the minute we make a mistake we are crucified.
We feel taken for granted & ultimately as step-parents we don't get any recognition that actually, we're doing a good job.
But hang in there, because despite these babies constantly driving you crazy, despite them testing your patience daily and despite them treating you like shit at times it will be worth it in the end.
They grow so quickly and with that they see things for how they were, maybe not straight away, and maybe they will struggle to admit it but they will see it.
They know who was there for them and who wasn't. If they have a biological parent telling them untruths about you that they believed as a child they will grow to see this. They remember who spoke badly of others in front of them & who didn't & they remember who loved them at the times when they were difficult to love. They will remember who treated them fairly with the right kind of discipline and who didn't.
So although I may make it look easy, I understand its not.
I get that my approach isn't for everyone, its based on my childhood and the things I've seen & heard and the way I have felt.
There is no step or halves in our household, the five babies who reside with me right now are loved equally whether they came from my womb or not...Betsy & Tallulah have three older sisters who I helped raise alongside them for 10 years and they will always be their sisters...not 'step, not 'half'....just sisters.
...and ultimately they are children.
Children who were born into this world and didn't ask for the situations they've been dealt with, they didn't ask to gain a step-parent for whatever reason they have and as difficult for us as it is at times, and it is - it's also difficult for them.
All these babies need is a little help, a little hope, a load of love & someone who believes in them, no matter what 💜