To dislike them for no reason

[treehugs]

Okay, so I know I am being unreasonable. I am posting for some hope that there is hope.

I can't stand my step daughters. To the point where I dread them even talking to me or being in the same room. They are nice children so it is not them - it is 100% me.

There is so much back story. My DP and I first got together 9 years ago and the majority of our relationship has been based on lies around his ex wife and children. I literally had my heart torn out and ripped to shreds. He left me heartbroken many times. During this time I really wanted a relationship with the kids but was never allowed. It created a massive barrier between us. I spent many Christmas days crying and alone because I would get let down by him. Not just Christmas - there have been many times similar.
During this time I also was raped (not by DP). But due to circumstances surrounding it I didn't feel able to report it. DP and I have never really spoke about it properly.

Now everything is great between DP and I. We have a great relationship, our own DD and no more ex wife issues and the kids stay every other weekend.

The problem is that I can't stand them being in my house, I have no interest in talking to them or spending time with them. I dread the time they spend with us. I am not horrible to them but I am not my usual friendly happy self when they are here.

I hate myself for it. I hate feeling this way about innocent children. But I can't snap out of it. I have tried so hard but the feeling are always there. I even hate them touching my DD.

I also have emetophobia which is much worse when they stay. I have had hypnotherapy which hasn't worked but has helped me understand it a bit more.

My hypnotherapist said that he thinks that all the things I have been through in the relationship have manifested itself into resentment towards his children.

I can quite believe this. I don't want to leave the relationship I just want to know if there is hope of changing my mindset towards his children.

Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading.

So sorry for you -- don't know what to say. :(

It does sound like it might be worth you exploring different types of therapy (you said the hypnotherapy had helped you understand some things, but hadn't really worked for you). Can you talk to your GP about any/all of this?

It must be difficult to balance having a very young DD of your own with your step-daughters, too. Sorry to hear your little girl was bleeding (mouth wounds always seem to bleed a lot, it's terrifying).

You sound like a wonderful mum who's doing her best, and who's had to live through some really horrific things. Please do reach out for professional support.

Hope you can find some good ways forwards. xx

well done for speaking out, haven't a clue how you're feeling op but I really feel for you xxx

Having three DSDs so close in age must feel like an upheaval when they come EOW. But ultimately it is their home too, and you need to try to find a way to welcome and embrace them into it. Do you think perhaps that you see their presence as a disruption to your normal life? If so, can you try to change your mindset so that you see it instead as all part of your normal life. I.e. Making their EOW visits as much about them as possible, doing nice things with and for them, and building up a relationship that focuses on getting to know them through having experiences together?

It is not easy talking to girls that age when you don't have much recent experience of it, so I also understand that. But you don't need to talk to them all the time. As a PP said (in excellent advice), you can watch films / have hot chocolate together. Relationships grow through shared experiences as well as talking to each other.

You don't need to put pressure on yourself to be their best friend (and certainly not their mother). You just need to be kind, willing to listen, and do as much as you can to make them feel welcomed and valued. You might surprise yourself how much you start enjoying their company. Your DD is very lucky to have three older sisters, and it may also help to keep reminding yourself of how much she is likely to value her relationship with them as they all get older.

Thank you so much withmymummyhaton. Xxx

That is the crazy thing I think I am a good mummy to my DD so struggle with my absolute annoyance of the other girls.

The GP has referred me for CBT (on a waiting list) but that is for the emetophobia. I have not discussed anything else with her.

I did ask for antidepressants but she said no because I am not depressed all the time.

I am okay most of the time I just have flare ups and emetophobia is a constant battle. The kids situation is another battle. I wish I could relax more when they are here.

Yes a lot of blood !!! And changes of clothes. She is having a nap now so hopefully she will feel a bit better after that.

It feels strange to speak out so much. I feel a bit silly.

Yes I think you are right that I struggle with the upheaval and change in routine and not having DP to help as much. I need to work on that definitely. Maybe I would relax more and not be such a dragon.

So did you take her to her nursery picnic or is she now cleaned up and napping?
Why is your story changing?

Vlad there was 3.5 hours between the posts from the OP, plenty of time for a picnic, no need for your post with accusatory under tones.

Op, I'm so sorry about all you've had to go through. Others have come up with wise advice for you.

But am going to focus on DSD thingy.

The most important thing to them is to feel wanted and involved, even if you don't really. I'm sure you act a part, anyway, so you are just going to fo it even better!! And I'm afraid children aren't always grateful.

But remember, it needn't take lots of money.

Here are some suggestions for activities which you can play with half your mind.

Paddling pool, with you there to look after DD. Expect groans to begin with but get them to help blowing it up, filling it. Never failing fun.

Toe nail varnish. Take them shopping, 50p brands from Superdrug, each chooses a colour. They can have all their own colour or mix and match. ( buy one extra in case one gets spilt). They do each other's. Dd can have her pinkies done.

Decorating digestive biscuits. The holes are perfect for silver balls. Writing icing.

Picnic in park. They help make sandwiches, carry ruck sacks. They choose picnic spot. Then play area with DD.

Card games. Old maid. Cheat. Poker and vint et un. Best one if all though you have to buy the set, pit, which is happy families with shouting. Get DH to run them.

Making a collage for DD's bedroom. Design it first with them, based on what you know DD likes. Then decide if it's going to be paper ( easier) or fabric. Newspaper, note paper, wrapping paper, tissue paper, ribbons, stickers. Explain you want something made by them for their half sister, as they are sisters.

After that, Making their own pictures for their room, to make it really theirs. Could be their names, pictures, collages if eg their pin ups etc. Provide each with a large sheet of stiff paper, glue, felt tips, access to printer and internet or magazines, glitter.

Obv cooking, esp with DD. Biscuits in fun shapes are great.

Making stuff as a secret with them for their dad. Lots of occasions to think about: Birthday, Christmas, Father's Day, any old day -IRS an unbirthday present. If they say " but I've already done/got one", say "ah, but he hasn't got one from all four of you. Each of you has a separate thing to give him. But there's strength in numbers...a card/cake/play dough statue ( get them to make the play dough) from all of you is also special".

Playing castles in the garden if you have one or park with DD. Rug over chairs/ bench becomes castle. One child becomes princess/ besieged king with DD. Another is evil giant/dragon, another is prince/ rescuing forces. Then swap roles and who looks after DD.

Next variation is that rug becomes stage for band, playing air guitar, dancing.

The point if most of these is that DD can get involved and because she's so much younger, although the activities are younger, they'll get involved as most children are prepared to play with and look after younger siblings in my view. And taking them away for a period, not the whole time, from technology allows them to bond.

The older stuff, line YouTube and card games, are prob more age appropriate for when DD is napping.

If you get engaged in the activities I think you might find that your tension lets up a bit and you can find yourself laughing, they will bond with DD. They'll talk to DH about what a great time they had.

If they're sporty and you've got a kids area near you, that's good too. Swimming, with you always there for DD, is also good.

Hope helpful.

No story changing. I cleaned her up, went to picnic, came home and she was a bit grisley and tired so put her down for a nap.

I have also just done some house work and now sat at PC to do probably 15 minutes work until she wakes up - incase you wanted to know.

I love all the suggestions of stuff to do. The trouble is (and I need to talk to DP) but he is very much focused on them when they are here (rightly so before anyone jumps on) so he tends to take them out places. Sometimes it is places which just are not great for a 16 month old or sometimes we go too but it doesn't leave much room for time for me and them. For example last weekend we went to go ape. They did go ape and I had a picnic and went walking with DD then it was back in the car and off !

" if you agree he was doing it to protect his kids, why would it rip you apart?"

This is a classic example of "I will pick apart the OP, even if it means my comment will make no sense whatsoever".

OP, i think you're brace to write this - many feel as you do, I'm sure, but take no steps to remedy it.

Hope things work out for you. I'd say those kids remind you of their mother. It sounds like she was a bit of a nightmare, at least from where you were standing, so it's understandable you wouldn't be keen on reminders of her.
The girls are at transitional stages, becoming teens, growing up. It could be a lovely time to make a positive impact on their lives. Take them shopping individually (if you think it wouldn't cause WWIII with their mum), treat them.
Try to re-cast yourself as a force for good in their lives. Take back some control, do some visualisation for the kind of step parent you want to be. Envisage yourself as someone for them to look up to - would that be possible? Is there room in your relationship for that outcome?

OP, thing is the whole story sounds like it was and has been a heartbreak for the best part of 10 years.

You do need to seek some sort of therapy to come to terms with it. I wouldn't be surprised if your step daughters came to hate you after the coldheartedness you have shown them. If the eldest is just a tween then you've a hell of a lot of hard stuff coming your way.

I am sorry you were raped. From what you've said you still see the man? 'his weasel face' - even if you don't want to go ahead with pressing charges then you need to seek help.

From where I'm standing getting involved with this man has been quite possibly the worst thing that ever happened to you.

Best of luck - you're going to need a miracle.

Treehugs, I have nothing more to add, but I just wanted to give you a very big hug, hope your little girl is okay, accidents do happen, and children seem to bleed forever.
Let your DH spend a weekend with your daughter, and you spend one with his. Take them out for a muffin and milkshake, they'll love it, or to the Cinema, you can chill out as well.
You could make and decorate cup cakes, at home.
You could buy some flakes, and tiny marshmallows, and make luxury hot chocolate, with a squirt of cream.
Go bilberry picking, or blackberry picking, let them take some home to their Mum, after you've made a pie, that is ! 😄
It may take time, but fake it, til you make it, you'll be so glad that you did.💐

I am not vile to them. Honestly. I am not even horrible. I just struggle to know what to talk about and it is awkward. And underneath it all I don't like spending time with them.

They are always fed, watered and have clean clothes etc.

I am in the garden with them now. Trying to get involved.

The rape. I don't see him, I have not see him since. I don't know him personally. I just remember him having a ratty, weasel vile face.

This is a classic example of "I will pick apart the OP, even if it means my comment will make no sense whatsoever"

Its not to pick the op apart at all. The Op spent years with this man while he broke her heart. Now she rationalises that he didnt mean to do it. This is part of her transferring her resentment from him to the kids.

I genuinely believe that the op needs to work through what happened with her partner. She has moved the resentment tp the kids. She needs to deal with it. Not bury it or transfer it somewhere else.

Its great the OP wants help and work with her step kids. But the past needs dealing with too.

You are deluded. Your boyfriend is not great at all. Gd only knows why you wasted so much time on him

OP, you must at some point take responsibility for your actions. You got involved with a man 10-odd years ago that had 3 very young children, you then spent the next 5 or so years in a hell-hole of him fleeting back and forth between his family with his wife and you. And in the latter part with you and then you finally got to meet these kids.

What were you expecting? Bar the rape which I have said is unequivocally awful. What did you think a man with 3 young kids who couldn't even spend Christmas with you was going to do. How did you see this story ending? You can't be that obtuse surely? You have made your bed and now need to lie in it. For better or worse these young girls will always be a part of your life. You had years to run away. Your partner is not a good man and I suspect that now you feel you have no option other than to stay with him.

If I were you I'd still leave. You sound capable of raising your daughter away from this drama.

OP, if you have them before being returned or overnight then you can do some of the shorter things with them. Biscuit decorating or making after being out. Getting them to join DD in messy handpainting on Sunday morning, or after tea on Saturdays. So they have both quality focused time with Dad, great, gives you a break from painting that smile on, and family sharing time with DD, and possibly family time with you, DH and them minus DD.

Honestly, activity where you don't need to have conversation is the way to go.

Pick your own is also always successful unless they are particularly brattish..

I think you are brave and honest to come on here. Do create help for yourself, though: only you can do it, and unless you do you run the risk of being unhappy, forced out of your natural design, for longer than necessary.

I'm sorry but there is no reason for him to only do activities that will include them and not you or his younger dd.
That he will do things 'just for them' sometimes is normal. But to always do things 'for them' isn't.
How is that showing them that you ARE a family together (them, him, you and your dd)???

What he is showing them and you is that you are not as important and a second though.
Up to you if you are happy to always be second.

Remember too that it means your dd ALSO is taking second place.
(See the fact that whatever has been proposed for you to do with the his dcs could also be things HE could be doing with ALL HIS children)

I also fully agree that you will not sort this issue it until you have sorted the issue of his behaviour when they were younger. Putting your head in the sand and saying that he is all great now isn't going to help.
It's not for g to help you feel more confortable with them because y nothing ur issue is with him.
It's not going help now either because he is still telling you loud and clear wth his actions that you do not matter and your is your together dd. (See the fact that he isn't making an effort to have family time, family activities and to include HIS dd into it)

I know what you are all saying. He has tried to get us to do stuff together before but says that he always thinks I don't want to be there so stopped. I probably need to instigate it again.

I have tried today. But I know I have a long way to go.

DP is very much a 'Disney land dad' and he says that he lives with us so when the other kids come he is focused on them mainly because he doesn't see them the rest of the time.

Don't get me wrong he still contributes to DD on their weekends but not as much and for example today with the nursery picnic he couldn't come because he had to collect dSD1 from somewhere.

They will always be a priority on their weekends. Which is right I guess.

I think you have hit on at least part of the problem in your last couple of posts. Your DP doesn't treat you all like a family, but instead focuses on his three older daughters on their weekends. Of course that is contributing to you feeling that your DSDs being there disrupts your normal life and routine. And I can understand how it contributes to you not bonding with them or feeling as though your priority needs to be your DD (because you are the one looking out for her at those times, and not her father).

I would speak to your DP about feeling that you are not being given the opportunity to bond with your DSDs. You have been in their lives a long time and probably will be in their lives for a longer time still. You need to be able to see them as part of a family unit (with you and your DD equally involved) and to do activities together that you can all share. The age gap makes it more difficult with your DD, but I think more of an effort can be made by your DP to involve you all.

If this were a recent relationship then I would understand the separation between you all at weekends. But if you are really serious about being with their father and they come to stay with you both regularly, I think it would help for both you and your DP to do things a bit differently.

I'm sorry I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but if you want an honest opinion, I think you're being a selfish cow! You need to snap out of it. He had children before he met you. There's nothing you can do to change that! They are part of him & his life. Don't blame children for what your narc partner has done or not done! Imagine how those children would feel if they knew how you felt? If they don't already.

If you can't handle it....

What about picking a hobby/activity/interest, personal to each girl, and having some one-to-one time? Your DP could take the remaining three on an outing. That way you are not juggling 4 at once and are able to start getting to know the girls individually. They will appreciate the attention and you'll get to appreciate them. It doesn't have to be long or expensive - it could be sitting watching their favorite movie - but it would be a positive step forward.

As for the rape, these things shape us in more ways than we realise and have far reaching consequences. Open up to your GP and ask for help. This is something you shouldn't go through without support.

I am selfish probably. With this anyway, in everything else I don't think I am a selfish person.

The trouble is they are obsessed with their dad and want his constant attention - I honestly don't think they would want to spend time with me. I am more of a girly person where they are more Tom boyish and like to do boyish things. At the beginning they were worried to like me because of their mums reaction and now they probably don't like me because I am stone cold and have nothing in common with them.

That said I will definitely be trying, and plan on talking to DP about more time together.

I will talk to some one about the rape at some point. I know I need too.