To dislike them for no reason

[treehugs]

Okay, so I know I am being unreasonable. I am posting for some hope that there is hope.

I can't stand my step daughters. To the point where I dread them even talking to me or being in the same room. They are nice children so it is not them - it is 100% me.

There is so much back story. My DP and I first got together 9 years ago and the majority of our relationship has been based on lies around his ex wife and children. I literally had my heart torn out and ripped to shreds. He left me heartbroken many times. During this time I really wanted a relationship with the kids but was never allowed. It created a massive barrier between us. I spent many Christmas days crying and alone because I would get let down by him. Not just Christmas - there have been many times similar.
During this time I also was raped (not by DP). But due to circumstances surrounding it I didn't feel able to report it. DP and I have never really spoke about it properly.

Now everything is great between DP and I. We have a great relationship, our own DD and no more ex wife issues and the kids stay every other weekend.

The problem is that I can't stand them being in my house, I have no interest in talking to them or spending time with them. I dread the time they spend with us. I am not horrible to them but I am not my usual friendly happy self when they are here.

I hate myself for it. I hate feeling this way about innocent children. But I can't snap out of it. I have tried so hard but the feeling are always there. I even hate them touching my DD.

I also have emetophobia which is much worse when they stay. I have had hypnotherapy which hasn't worked but has helped me understand it a bit more.

My hypnotherapist said that he thinks that all the things I have been through in the relationship have manifested itself into resentment towards his children.

I can quite believe this. I don't want to leave the relationship I just want to know if there is hope of changing my mindset towards his children.

Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading.

If he is so great what is HE doing to help you through this. He lives with a woman who is pushing her resentment for him on to his children. What is he doing to help you deal with your feelings and make his home better for his children.

Or are you saying he doesnt notice you are different when they are there?

Thats not great either?

Does the ex think you are the OW?

Thank you so much for your post Eatabagofdicks. Please don't think I am horrible to them. I would describe it as 'awkward' to be honest. I am sorry you went through that

I was not OW. Kids were young and I thought I knew what I was taking on. But I didn't meet them for 4, nearly 5 years - so you can see how hard things have been.

Kids are all loud and playful. They can be polite but not always - for example I gave all their pets a grooming session (washed them and cut fur etc) and they didn't say thank you. But they did say thank you (when prompted by DP) for the redecoration of their room.

abilo
I think the OP expected to be treated as a human being, aka with respect.
Completely different with the issues that are coming with being a step parent, which can be hard.
But it's totally possible to deal with a hard situation with your ex and visiting etc... and STILL be respectful of your new partner, support them and show them that they ARE important too.

He does notice I am different and tries to talk to me about it. I always say I am fine, which isn't the best thing.

It's not that he won't talk about the rape. I just have not felt able to. I feel stupid and like it's my fault. But that's down to me not him. I get anxious when I think about it.

Remember this was some time ago (all the ex stuff) we have both grown up since then and I think ex wife has too.

I'm so sorry you were raped OP. I am wondering whether EMDR would help - a way to safely file away memories that are causing you problems, without you having to talk it all through in multiple counselling sessions. May be worth investigating.

I don't know why but your post just made tears come to my eyes Chocolateworshiper. I do need to address it. It's just such a horrible thing to think about.

I could have written this post 5 years ago, I'm also a emetophobe and I have 3 step children, my phobia peaked 5 years ago to the point I was scared to leave the house, I payed for private therapy which at the time I felt didn't help, a few things were brought up during these sessions which i ignored at the time, one of these was my dh and our relationship, the stress we went through with his ex and his dc's and the lack of support he gave me. 2 years ago I kicked dh out and my phobia has almost vanished, yes it's still there but I don't think about it every day, I can go places and I let my dc do more activities, I have coped with several stomach bugs by myself.

My step children are now grown up and I am still in contact with all 3 of them and still have a close relationship with the youngest (I take her away with us and out on day trips). Dh was the problem even though at the time I didn't want to see it or except it.

@treehugs oh I hope I didn't make you feel bad. Looking back what I wrote about 'the impact of your behaviour' sounded quite harsh. I just meant that kids know. If you don't love them or even like them they will pick up on this. My son now has a step parent too and I could never have dated someone who wasn't fully prepared to love him like their own. If his dad ever gets married I hope she too will love him like her own. Children deserve someone to be kind to them. They don't know any better.
Step parenting can be hard. I know my dh has his days of feeling frustrated and my son can be difficult, all kids can. At the end of the day though my son is just a little boy, trying to find his way in the world, looking for reassurance and love.

I'm not buying that he spent Christmas alone at the request of his wife while she was away with her family. I find it more likely that he spent years flitting between you and his ex, mucking you both about and putting his poor daughters right in the middle of it.

OP, please look into Emotional Freedom technique (also called EFT or Tapping) as a therapy to help you gently move past your rape and any underlying resentment towards your OP/his kids. If you're in London I can recommend someone. It sounds like a very tough situation and I think the fact you are recognizing your feelings towards the kids and asking for help shows that you are actually a very kind person x

funbags I suspect the same. I cant work out how the ex would know wgere he was christmas day. I asked but the op hasnt really answered.

Perhaps the Op suspects the same?

Pengggwn, I'm not sure what point you are trying to make. OP has said she dislikes them, so is unlikely to know them well. That's why advice is being sought.

What @abilockhart said.

I fully admit I not fond of children. I like mine because I know them, but I'm awkward with most others. I think it's odd that we are supposed to adore every child that crosses our path by virtue of being women....

However, I would not under any circumstances enter into a relationship with a man with children. I admire people who are great step-parents because it's something I couldn't be, but I know that so I wouldn't even try. You knew damn well he had three children (and one of them was still a baby FGS). After 9 years without bonding with them, why are you still bothering? Why did you have a child with him when you didn't like the ones he's already got? Or do you dislike them more since you had your "own" baby?

@WomblingThree - how does those comments help the OP now? The OP DOES have a child with him now, she can't undo that, so what's the point in saying 'why didn't you leave/why did you go on to have another child'?

She hasn't asked for advice or judgement on her past decisons, she's asked for help in sorting her current situation out and is showing incredible maturity to even admit to these feelings.

I don't know really. I guess I don't think it's particularly "brave" when it's been a situation that's gone on such a long time. There are real children caught up in this shitty situation, and I don't really see why the OP needs a round of applause for her part in it.

I'm in no way unsympathetic to being raped, but it's a red herring. This has gone on way longer, and her DP is a total arse. This situation is mostly of his making and I don't know why some women have so little self respect that they get embroiled in shit like this.

I hope it works out for you OP. But I honestly don't think a woman who decides to form a relationship with a man with 3 very young kids, even if you didn't meet them until later does so unwittingly.

I'd have been running for the hills after the first date but there you go.

I do think you need to consider therapy.

@WomblingThree as a child of a broken home with two step parents, and multiple full/step/half siblings split across the homes, with all sorts of issues and dysfunctions (and years of therapy myself as an adult to try to deal with the fall out of my upbringing) trust me, I am more than aware of the children caught up in this. But berating someone who is trying to seek help doesn't help those kids either.

I'm not a step-parent and my kids are much younger than yours... so I don't really have any advice, just wanted to send a big hug.

You've been through so much -- is there anyone you can talk to in confidence? The Samaritans are great: you don't have to be suicidal or anything to call them (most people aren't), and you can write or email. Sometimes just being able to offload thoughts can be a relief.

It sounds like you're doing the best you can by your step-daughters, given how you're feeling. The emetophobia must make things even harder, too: I've known a couple of people who've suffered from it, and I know it can be very tough to recover from.

Hang on in there: I think there were some lovely suggestions above about trying to do something nice to bond with your step-daughters, like hot chocolate and a movie.

Could you make a list of things YOU might have liked to do at 11 - 14 ish, and try some of those? Or maybe encourage the girls to come up with a "wish list" or "bucket list" of things they'd like to do?

Another fun idea I've come across for kids that age is to have a "yes" day ... a day when you say "yes" to everything they want to do (obviously you might want to set a spending limit, and limits on anything that affects other people...!) Maybe that could be a way to find out a bit more about what they enjoy and what you enjoy doing with them?

Hope it gets easier for you -- and hope you can find the support you need. Sending big hugs.

Op is posting for support, it's fine for people not to agree with her etc etc but it's not helpful to say things that can't be changed.

She is trying to address her problems, I have said earlier that I think she is brave and I stand by that.

I feel sorry for you but more so for the innocent children who have no control over how you treat them.

You definitely need help. EMDR can be a life changer. It can work when talking therapy doesn't.

You are focusing on not like your step children as a way to avoid the fact your dp has treated you appallingly and that's unfair to them.

They will know you are different with them and while you can't be expected you will love them as you love your DD, there's no reason why you can't if you allow yourself too.

If you're staying with your dp because you love him and want your DD to have a full time dad then you have to sort this as his children's emotional well being can't be a negative consequence of that.

Good luck to you all.

Zoflorabore, you are absolutely right, everything up to now can't be changed. However, it is slightly frustrating that the OP won't acknowledge the root of her issues in regards to her partner, with the idea that 'everything is fine now' means 'everything is fine'. I get the feeling the OP is just trying to find ways to bury things further instead of having to face the past. It is so bloody difficult to do the latter, however if she refuses to do so then I don't see how anything will change.

Emotions are very powerful things, there's only so far down you can hide them - it's like plugging an active volcano from the top - all that's underneath will come out one way or another eventually.

Sorry for no reply. There was an incident here... dSD3 was playing with DD on something we always say she must be very careful. She wasn't careful and DD hurt her mouth. There was blood everywhere. Got her sorted and then I took DD to her nursery picnic.

I know the root of my problems with the kids is the problems from early in the relationship. In reference to the Christmas situation - you are right I have no idea what really went on. Just like I don't with most things back then. Now in present time I do know what is what (now I mean) which I always see is the important thing. But perhaps the not knowing truths from back then is a problem.

The emetophobia my hypno thinks is something from childhood. I have had that since before meeting DP. It is just worse now .

I don't want to leave him. I truly love him and all this shit aside we are very good together and live happily.

I want to make things better with his kids but I feel it is such a hard thing to do at the moment. There has been some amazing posts on here that really have helped.

Even those who are negative I still respect your honesty and I know how I must sound. It's not my nature to be a cold person. But I do freeze up and feel awkward when they are here. When I make an effort it is draining because it feels so unnatural.

The rape is separate, however it is still something that happened during that time and perhaps I feel blame (unfairly) that not only was I going through a hard time to top it off I got raped too.

To top it off and I can't believe I am saying this on a forum. But I was raped anally during the rape too and I just see his rotten weasel face and my body gets anxious and I can't cope. I know it's not related but I just connect it as one really dreadful time in my life.