To dislike them for no reason

[treehugs]

Okay, so I know I am being unreasonable. I am posting for some hope that there is hope.

I can't stand my step daughters. To the point where I dread them even talking to me or being in the same room. They are nice children so it is not them - it is 100% me.

There is so much back story. My DP and I first got together 9 years ago and the majority of our relationship has been based on lies around his ex wife and children. I literally had my heart torn out and ripped to shreds. He left me heartbroken many times. During this time I really wanted a relationship with the kids but was never allowed. It created a massive barrier between us. I spent many Christmas days crying and alone because I would get let down by him. Not just Christmas - there have been many times similar.
During this time I also was raped (not by DP). But due to circumstances surrounding it I didn't feel able to report it. DP and I have never really spoke about it properly.

Now everything is great between DP and I. We have a great relationship, our own DD and no more ex wife issues and the kids stay every other weekend.

The problem is that I can't stand them being in my house, I have no interest in talking to them or spending time with them. I dread the time they spend with us. I am not horrible to them but I am not my usual friendly happy self when they are here.

I hate myself for it. I hate feeling this way about innocent children. But I can't snap out of it. I have tried so hard but the feeling are always there. I even hate them touching my DD.

I also have emetophobia which is much worse when they stay. I have had hypnotherapy which hasn't worked but has helped me understand it a bit more.

My hypnotherapist said that he thinks that all the things I have been through in the relationship have manifested itself into resentment towards his children.

I can quite believe this. I don't want to leave the relationship I just want to know if there is hope of changing my mindset towards his children.

Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading.

That's normal that they want to spend time with their dad. They don't see him as often. He is a Disney dad, all nice and funny. They getbto do a lot of things theyvreally enjoy. Who could blame them??

And yes it's normal that he wants to spend time with them and in some way, make them his priority.

The problem here is that. The problem is that he created the situation and has no interest in trying to solve it.
He created with IS behaviour when they were little and with his behaviour now.
He is creating it by not leaving any space for them To do something you enjoy too. Not all the time but enough that you can build bridges with them. So that you can grow together into a family.
If he wanted to keep you away from them, he couldn't do better.

So yes you can certainly try hard to spend time with them and enjoy them. But it will be very hard wo having his full support and him WANTING to involve you.

It's worth remembering too that all the things proposed on this thread are only possible if you get the time and space to do it. It's only possible if you BOTH pull in the same direction.

I thought I would update you seen you were all so kind with advice.

I tried to talk to DP tonight. It didn't really go well. He doesn't understand why I feel how I feel. My own theory about the stuff that went on being a channel into an issue with them he just didn't get. The past is the past etc.

I tried to talk about the rape. He doesn't see how any of it is connected.

He said he doesn't see his other kids enough and it's my fault. That was all he talked about really - he wasn't interested in what I had to say.

I tried to suggest me doing things with them. He said it's his time and he wants to do things with them. He said they are not tomboys so doesn't understand why I can't find something to talk to them about.

Chores are not to be done by them because why should they when the time at the weekend is so precious (I asked him to get them to clean their pets out).

He says he doesn't understand why I had a baby with him when I feel like this.

Not great and I am feeling pretty shit right now.

Very sorry you were assaulted, and hope when the time's right you seek help, perhaps from a specialist service or charity.

Your DP is a shit partner IMO. Sweeping your natural feelings under the carpet in order to stay in the relationship and excusing his shit treatment of you hasn't helped and has manifested in your feelings towards his innocent DCs.

You have been brave being honest about your feelings with him.

Please both of you stop with the sexist assumptions about "girly" and "tomboyish" things. If you truly want a relationship with the DC and to be a good step parent you will seek common ground, but going through the motions is not going to work

Some people prioritise their unworthy partner to the detriment of their DC: you're doing this to the detriment of your step DC.

Not the lovely supportive pRtner you thought, I am sorry it went that way. I think yiur partners attitude as a lot to do with how you feel. Now you have to decide whether to break from him, or not. It does not look good.

I'm sorry, but it sounds as though you've built a fantasy world in your head by projecting positive qualities onto your DP, and externalising everything negative onto his children. I suspect you are in some kind of denial - and it is no wonder given the relationship trauma and the horror of a rape that you have endured.

I think you need to find a counsellor you trust and have this out over a number of sessions. I suspect that this is a prerequisite for you to decide what you really want to do, because your feelings and thoughts sound really confused and messed up right now (totally understandably). Hypnotherapy can't help with long-standing, emotionally complex problems like this, though I think your hypnotherapists is on the right track in their diagnosis, by the sounds of things.

It is not your fault that he doesn't see enough of his kids. The reality is that divorced parents have to share the time - thay is just a fact. He got divorced and that is why he doesn't see more of his dc. Don't allow him to pin his shit on you.

Honestly, I'm not sure it is a bad thing for him to focus on his other dc during the weekends they are with him. They do need time alone with him. They didn't choose you as much as you didn't choose them and given that your relationshop with them isn't easy and good, there is no point in pretending to be a family. Maybe if things get better in the future, the family time will evolve naturally. Just carry on being kind to them and welcomming.
DP can clean out their pets, not you. If he wants to do disney dad, he can be bloody cinderella, not you!

I honestly think you need to get a lot more professional help to cope with all that has happened to you.

And I don't think your dp is good for you - he minimises your experiences and doesn't want to deal with your emotions. You are papering over the cracks to make everything appear okay. I think you might come to a point in the future where you see he isn't a help to you.