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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BIL with mh illness coming to stay

106 replies

Chicci1 · 14/07/2017 21:55

Apologies in advance if this post comes across as insensitive.
My brother in law has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and sadly recently had a long term relationship break up. His mental health has deteriorated and my husband wants him to come live with us. His brother has also requested this. For how long he would be staying is unclear - he's not working and has no plans for anything in particular. He has been staying with friends and relatives for a few nights here and there but really has nowhere steady to go. His parents have no interest in helping him.

I absolutely understand my husband wanting to help his brother. The thoughts of him coming to stay with us is really upsetting me though and I can't sleep thinking about it. We have a two year old with health issues, I work full time and am almost six months pregnant. Am exhausted and know that this would be another big drain on us. There is also a big part of me that is afraid to have someone who is having delusions in our home.
What do I do - I know I am being unreasonable to force my husband to choose between his brother and family when his brother really needs him. At the same time I honestly don't think I can pretend I'm ok with this.

OP posts:

thefutureisfemale · 14/07/2017 21:58

Don't take him in.

DH will have to take him to the council. MH will give him priority.
DO NOT TAKE HIM IN.
You will regret it.

Notsosureanymoors · 14/07/2017 21:58

I have a sister in law with a brother who has the same issue. He swings wildly from being ok to be around to high security mental health institution and prison. He takes legal highs and doesn't take his meds and is very dangerous as well as tall and large. I would never let him near me especially when i was pregnant. If his brother is similar than for the childrens sake definitely not. If he is functioning and taking meds and stable and has never been a threat then yes. Depends on the individual and the situation.

CremeFresh · 14/07/2017 22:00

What a difficult situation, I can understand your worry , sounds like you've got enough on your plate as it is and I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned.

I'd make sure he takes his medication for starters . I hope it works out xx

thefutureisfemale · 14/07/2017 22:01

He could hurt you or your children.

thefutureisfemale · 14/07/2017 22:02

My step sister has the same condition and even with medication still has delusions and visions/voices. Please please be careful.

BoneStripped · 14/07/2017 22:05

I agree with thefuture - DO NOT TAKE HIM IN - instead, help him to find supported housing close by, and do as much as you can to help him. Your child(ren) come first.

MadMags · 14/07/2017 22:08

Don't take him in.

Seriously.

I can understand your dh wanting to help his brother but you need to think of you, your child, and your unborn baby.

Original poster

Chicci1 · 14/07/2017 22:09

Thanks everyone. It is an awful situation. I'm not in the uk and mental health services here are woeful. There is literally no where for him to go. He has never been violent before but is having delusions. My husband doesn't want to believe that his brother could be a danger.

OP posts:

Dawnedlightly · 14/07/2017 22:10

It's a big ask. Whether it's feasible or not depends on so many things.
Definitely consider these factors:
Space- will you all have privacy?
Support- will he have to change his CPN etc. If so, how far and how good are what he'd be swapping to.
How much does your DH work? Would you be doing most of the 'hosting'?

BigSunglasses00 · 14/07/2017 22:12

If you're not comfortable with it then you have every right to tell your husband that, although I'd try to do it sensitively. Your husband might be sympathetic and a bit panicked for him and not thinking it through properly - it might be a good thing for you to provide some perspective. It doesn't sound like a practical solution and an invition for a world of stress.

I assume there's a reason the parents don't want to help?

Is he getting treatment? Is he under mental health services?

MadMags · 14/07/2017 22:13

Well, it's all very well him not wanting to think he could be dangerous, but he needs to be realistic.

My kids wouldn't be in that position. And if dh wasn't happy with that he could find himself somewhere to live with his brother.

Blossomdeary · 14/07/2017 22:13

I did hope that you can resolve this without too much stress on your relationship with your OH. It is admirable that he wants to take his brother in, but he does need to be clear about the problems that this could cause to his family.

I know that there is a better perception of mental illness in the community and this is to be applauded; but we do need to also be clear that some forms of mental illness do carry risk to others, especially if the medication is not being taken properly and regularly. I do not think you should invite this problem into your home - I know that sounds harsh, and it is very sad indeed that this poor man has this illness, but it is not to be trifled with and you have a small child and a baby on the way. You have to say no to this.

BigSunglasses00 · 14/07/2017 22:17

Sorry cross post. If he's not getting care then I wouldn't be comfortable with it. He may very well not be any sort of risk at all but if there's no MH professionals involved to make that judgement or to support you and your husband to cope then it seems like a recipe for disaster.

Your husband would be better off helping him sort out some sort of income/benefit and somewhere to live. Be it a bed-sit, boarding house or whatever else.

Groupie123 · 14/07/2017 22:17

I grew up around a relative with the same thing. She wasn't a danger to us when we were older, but apparently when we were babies she was convinced my sister and I were 'replacing' her and tried to throw us out of the window. Strongly suggest you don't offer to take him in unless his condition is managed.

Blossomdeary · 14/07/2017 22:17

Sorry - should read "do hope."

I should say that I worked in this field and people with this illness can be a serious danger to the lives and safety of others; they hear voices that tell them to perpetrate acts of violence. It is not their fault - it is a feature of the illness; and if they are not having and maintaining proper treatment they can be a danger.

So sorry that you have this dilemma to face.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/07/2017 22:18

Would it be the best environment for his brother too? You have a young child and a baby on the way so your home will be full of noise, broken sleep etc. It may be stressful for your BIL which won't help him either.
I don't think this is the right solution for any of you.

BigSunglasses00 · 14/07/2017 22:18

It's also bound to create stress and tension which I'd imagine would be a good living situation for the brother either.

Shakeynf · 14/07/2017 22:20

My brother has the same condition and my children are not allowed to visit him in his home - we have to meet in public and he is not meant to stay anywhere with children.

Shakeynf · 14/07/2017 22:20

What I mean is - don't have him to stay. Alternative arrangements will have to made

ladyyyglittersparkles · 14/07/2017 22:26

Hell no. Children are the priority.
My DH is an only child but no way would I force him to take in one of my siblings in this situation. No fucking way

Original poster

Chicci1 · 14/07/2017 22:32

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit better about being so uncomfortable about it now and a bit more confident in expressing that. I just feel terrible forcing my husband to make that choice and say no to his brother. My husband only ever sees the best in people and does not believe his brother could ever be violent. I'm not sure if our marriage would survive it if I put my foot down on this and bil subsequently harms himself. Bil is on meds (but still having delusions) and is seeing a psychiatrist intermittently.

OP posts:

Thisarmingman · 14/07/2017 22:39

Has he ever actually been violent? Most people with an mh condition including people diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia are no more violent than any other person. They may have a different handle on reality to you but that honestly doesn't mean they are axe wielding murderers.

Rather a victorian not to mention prejudiced view on this thread.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2017 22:39

Do NOT allow this. This is your home, too. Neither you or your husband are doctors or mental health experts who are qualified to deal with your BIL's severe mental illness.

MadMags · 14/07/2017 22:43

I'm not sure if our marriage would survive it if I put my foot down on this and bil subsequently harms himself

Would it survive him potentially harming your child?

skyzumarubble · 14/07/2017 22:44

I don't think you should allow it. It's too much to cope with it. He could potentially harm you and your family.

I know you said your not uk - is there any my provision? Is he medicated?

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