BIL with mh illness coming to stay

[Chicci1]

Apologies in advance if this post comes across as insensitive.
My brother in law has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and sadly recently had a long term relationship break up. His mental health has deteriorated and my husband wants him to come live with us. His brother has also requested this. For how long he would be staying is unclear - he's not working and has no plans for anything in particular. He has been staying with friends and relatives for a few nights here and there but really has nowhere steady to go. His parents have no interest in helping him.

I absolutely understand my husband wanting to help his brother. The thoughts of him coming to stay with us is really upsetting me though and I can't sleep thinking about it. We have a two year old with health issues, I work full time and am almost six months pregnant. Am exhausted and know that this would be another big drain on us. There is also a big part of me that is afraid to have someone who is having delusions in our home.
What do I do - I know I am being unreasonable to force my husband to choose between his brother and family when his brother really needs him. At the same time I honestly don't think I can pretend I'm ok with this.

Not everyone with schizophrenia is a danger to others

Nobody's suggesting they are, Keema ... however OP's description suggests his condition is unstable, which indicates at least a theoretical risk. For the safety of all concerned, this surely cannot be just brushed under the carpet

I'm the first to admit I'm affected by the tragic circumstances in my own family, but I really don't think this is a risk which anyone should bring upon innocent children

Does he have any history of violence? Do you know what his delusions are and how he acts when he is unwell? Is he medicated? Is he in crisis at the moment or managing his illness? These are all major factors in whether having him live with you is feasible.

Just because he has a diagnosis of schizophrenia, it does not mean that he is a danger or incapable of living a functional, fulfilling life. If he is unmedicated and/or in crisis then I absolutely agree a home around young children is not ideal, not to mention the emotional and physical strain on you if trying to keep him safe. Danger aside, some one psychotic can be very difficult to live with in that they are so chaotic, trying to regulate things like sleep and food becomes a battle ground and they can partake in unsafe behaviour. You sound like you have a lot on your plate at the moment so if I were in your shoes unless he was stable at present, I would try to support him without having him live with me.

My only experience with paranoid schizophrenia was when I was sectioned (bipolar) and a few of my fellow patients with that diagnosis scared me - a 40-year-old woman, never mind children.

I do understand that that experience has clouded my opinion though, especially after reading more of the posts on this thread must read whole thread.

If your BIL is well and stable and taking his meds and under a good psychiatrist and you are comfortable with the idea, then maybe you could consider it.

As others have said; aside from his condition, having someone move in is life-changing.

And your life will change enough with a new baby en route.

It's honestly ok not to want to do this.

Taking in any relative for an extended period when you have a two year old and are heavily pregnant is a bad idea.

Your dh sounds very sweet but expecting you to take on an unwell house guest is simply too much.

Before you make a final decision i think you need to sit down just you and your husband and have a very long and honest discussion.

IF your Bil moves in, you want to decide beforehand how long the arrangement is for (an open ended invite is no good to any of you, everyone would need to know where they stand, say he can stay for example 6 months, while he saves up and gets himself somewhere more permanent sorted)
You want to agree on specific house rules he has to follow as a guest, and if he will be expected to pay any rent or contribute via housework etc.
You want assurances that if you try this arrangement but it is not working for you, or there is an incident that leaves you uncomfortable or feeling unsafe, he has to leave immediately.

And even if you do sit and negotiate a plan, you can still say no if you are not comfortable and don't want him to move in. It has to be a joint decision, it is home to both of you, your child, and in 3 months a new baby. Your family unit has to be top priority, and as much as he wants to help his brother, he has to ultimately do what is best for you and your children.

As an aside, if his parents have no genuine reason to not want to help such as health problems themselves or hes been violent to them in the past, they are complete assholes not supporting their son. He didn't stop being their child when he became an adult and he didnt ask to be ill. They wanted him, they brought him in to this world, that gives them a life long responsibility to care for him.

Do you know him well? Has he had any violent or aggressive episodes in the past, or does he have a problem with drink or drugs that might exacerbate the issue? Is he currently medicated or seeking treatment?

I know that there's stigma surrounding schizophrenia and it can seem like a scary diagnosis, but most people with the illness are no more violent or aggressive than the average person. My partner was diagnosed with the illness a couple of years ago, and while he did experience hallucinations and admittedly had a slightly worse temper than he usually does, he was never once aggressive to me or anyone else. He sought treatment and is now medicated - he very rarely experiences hallucinations and in terms of personality and temper he is back to normal, and he wouldn't hurt a fly!

Your BIL may have a different experience with the illness and if you do have reason to feel unsafe around him then obviously not wanting him in your house is entirely reasonable, but if it's just the stigma attached to the illness that makes you feel uneasy, don't be so quick to write him off. Read about the illness and give it a bit of thought, and if you still feel as though you'd be unhappy to have him in your house, that's understandable and you should let your husband know how you feel.

I can't believe some of the comments on here! It's evident that there's still a massive stigma attached to mental health/illness!

Not everyone with Schizophrenia is dangerous, violent or a threat! And symptoms of Schizophrenia vary widely from one individual with a diagnosis to another! If he's living in the community, he's most certainly not a threat to himself or the public as he'd be hospitalised and sectioned under the mental health act! Personally I would help out! I'm not saying take it lightly but speak to his care team, learn about his medications, triggers and early warning signs. Relapse can be avoided if the right support is there and family support is crucial! If he's going through a rough time at the moment, this can be a trigger for relapse so I'd tread very carefully and deal with it in an appropriate and supportive manner!

There's a lot of plain wrong on this thread. And properly ugly prejudice. Most schizophrenics aren't violent, for a start.

But.. I wouldn't take anyone in when I was about to have a baby and a toddler. Stressful for everyone. Let alone a guy who's ill - he needs a calm and stable place to recover, not a house full of howling babes.

My brother in law has paranoid schizophrenia also and was in a secure unit in Manchester when he absconded last October and got on a train and travelled down to our home near Worthing and turned up on our doorstep at 10.30pm looking very dishevelled and quite scary looking telling h that the voices had told him to come to our house. We have 2 small children and I felt very uncomfortable having him in our home especially when he started shouting loudly about the voices in his head. I didn't want my children waking and seeing him there they would have been terrified. Thankfully my h managed to calm him down and we all tried to sleep. Me on the kids bedroom floor. My h managed to drive him back to the unit the next day. Please think about your children and yourself you should never feel uncomfortable in your own home your brother in law needs professional help.

Has he ever actually been violent? Most people with an mh condition including people diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia are no more violent than any other person. They may have a different handle on reality to you but that honestly doesn't mean they are axe wielding murderers.

^ This! Even paranoid schizophrenics are unlikely to be violent. However, as with any long term illness, it can be incredibly difficult to live with.

If I was in your situation, I wouldn't go a bundle on a relative coming to live with us (seemingly permanently, from what you've said) even if they were in perfect health. Having an illness, whether physical or mental, will add an additional strain.

If he's living in the community, he's most certainly not a threat to himself or the public as he'd be hospitalised and sectioned under the mental health act!

That would surely depend on what MH services and arrangements are available in OP's area

And OP has already said that she's not in the UK and that those services are "woeful"

My mum had PS and never harmed anyone in her life. Ever.
You have to be clear that if he is to come and stay that he is amenable to receiving help from health professionals and taking medication to balance his mood. If he is on a self medicating trip then this will be chaos.

Also maybe be honest with him about your situation, and that you feel it's out of your capacity to help him.

Sadly, the government have stripped the mental health services down to their bare bones and there is very little help for people like this nowadays hence- homelessness and drug addiction. :(

I hope you can find a solution.

Sienna
As a PP has pointed out the OP is not on the UK and the level of support is not good so none of us can make assumptions about his condition on the basis he is not hospitalised.
Secondly, how realistic do you think it is for a pregnant woman with a 2 yr old with health issues to start learning in detail about her BiL's condition, medication, relapse triggers etc. In 3 months time the OP is having a baby, she can't really be expected to take on all you suggest at the moment.

Puzzled my bad, I haven't Rtft! Where are you based OP?

For what it's worth, given my personal circumstances I would try and help. I agree with PP that having a toddler and baby is hard enough and probably wouldn't be in BIL's best interests either (whether he believes it or not).

Like I said though, symptoms are individual to the person and same goes for management of symptoms. My post was aimed at the stereotyping and stigma of some on here! I'm a mental health nurse reducing stigma is something I feel passionate about.

Has he ever actually been violent? Most people with an mh condition including people diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia are no more violent than any other person. They may have a different handle on reality to you but that honestly doesn't mean they are axe wielding murderers.

This.

The stigma towards someone with mental health difficulties is awful.

You need to work out where best your BIL can be supported and work from there. However, it's pretty unlikely if he's taking his medication and regularly following up with people that he's going to harm anyone. I do see you are not in the UK so I can't really advise more.

My partner's brother has paranoid schizophrenia and yes, it is tough. I spent 17 hours in A&E with him a few weeks ago waiting for a mental health assessment because he had deteriorated. I had a pretty frank discussion with him and the psychiatrist about why it was not appropriate for me to stay with him (as he was requesting) and additional support was put in place. My reasons for not staying with him were due to my own health rather than his "stigmatised" or actual risk of violence.

A few days of additional support from the Home Crisis Team and me making some meals and helping him sort out his place, get him back into a friendship circle and he was totally fine.

It is of course OK to put your marriage first, and your children, and to say that it's not OK for him to stay with you at this time, but please don't make those decisions because of stigma against paranoid schizophrenia. You and your DH know him, so you will know if there's been violence, risk or suicide attempts before.

mrscee

If your brother in law absconded, why wasn't he detained and taken back that night?

Chazs I obviously didn't articulate myself properly, I explained in another post that given my personal circumstances (completely different to OP's) I'd try and help out by letting a mentally ill relative stay with me. When I talked about liaising with the care team I meant in regards to ongoing support and not necessarily support in the form of BIL living with them. I accept that it might not be an easy thing to do right now but if they want to help, it might be a good idea to liaise with the care team as a first port of call. Having not Rtft I now realise that there may not be a care time given they're based outside of the UK. I stand by my point that family support is important! Even as much as just keeping in contact and checking in now and then.

I think you need to meet with his primary care team to discuss the way forward with them so everyone would know what the situation would be, including BIL. I also think a non negotiable has to e that he must medicate, even if he feels he is getting better

X post with Sienna! By PCT I mean his psychiatric care leader he is seeing now

not sure if our marriage would survive it if I put my foot down on this and bil subsequently harms himself

Would it survive if BIL injured, or worse, one of your children?

I am acquaintanced with a woman whose parental rights were terminated due to her behaviour whenever she refused to take her medication for this same condition. She was an outright danger to her children.

Regardless of the MH issue, do you have the space for another adult to live with you? You're about to have another baby and presumably he'll be around in the day whilst your DH is at work? That would be enough to be a no from me and I have a family member living with us at the moment, but they're are at work in the week and go home at the weekends thus affording us space.

You'll essentially be his carer. With a baby and a 2 year old. You'll also never be able to leave them alone with him so you'll be on constant high alert. Have you pointed this out to your husband?
Your health and the children's health come first.

Who'll be around most to keep an eye on him (and a toddler with health issues and a newborn?) Cook his meals, do his laundry, clean up around him? Your husband? Will he be taking leave so you can be out the house for several hours a day whilst he manages all that on disturbed sleep?