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Original poster

BIL with mh illness coming to stay

106 replies

Chicci1 · 14/07/2017 21:55

Apologies in advance if this post comes across as insensitive.
My brother in law has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and sadly recently had a long term relationship break up. His mental health has deteriorated and my husband wants him to come live with us. His brother has also requested this. For how long he would be staying is unclear - he's not working and has no plans for anything in particular. He has been staying with friends and relatives for a few nights here and there but really has nowhere steady to go. His parents have no interest in helping him.

I absolutely understand my husband wanting to help his brother. The thoughts of him coming to stay with us is really upsetting me though and I can't sleep thinking about it. We have a two year old with health issues, I work full time and am almost six months pregnant. Am exhausted and know that this would be another big drain on us. There is also a big part of me that is afraid to have someone who is having delusions in our home.
What do I do - I know I am being unreasonable to force my husband to choose between his brother and family when his brother really needs him. At the same time I honestly don't think I can pretend I'm ok with this.

OP posts:
Thisarmingman · 14/07/2017 22:44

Oh for goodness sake. Most families of people with a diagnosis are not doctors or nurses and they still manage.

skyzumarubble · 14/07/2017 22:45

Ffs - MH and you're

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/07/2017 22:45

My husband doesn't want to believe that his brother could be a danger

Then unfortunately, in order to protect your family, you may need to get a lot firmer here. At the very least I'd hope your DH has done some proper reading into the risks associated with this condition and consulted with those able to advise properly?

A family member had a son with this terrible illness - he killed another family member, left a a further one with life changing injuries and then killed himself, and all this while supposedly under the care of MH services

Please do not even consider bringing such a risk upon your innocent children

VladmirsPoutine · 14/07/2017 22:46

Had my then partner never taken in his delusional cousin, I doubt he'd still be alive today.

I can't stand when people forget those they grew up with. I'd choose my sister before anyone.

I wish you all the best. Perhaps your bil even more so.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 14/07/2017 22:46

If your BIL is seeing a psychiatrist then I think you ought to ask the doctor's advice on whether living with you will be good for his mental health, never mind vice versa.

This is an illness that has impacted a number of family members and proper engagement with mental health support is vital - my cousin lives life mostly normally because he's actively managing his condition with the help of his doctors, but my grandfather ended up in psychiatric hospital after pretending to take medication and having delusions his family (us) had been replaced by alien clones. If your DH wants to take in his brother you both need to look beyond the diagnosis and consider how well he is.

artiface · 14/07/2017 22:51

I'd also be concerned for future situations - when you'd like to have your children friends over for tea - will you feel comfortable? This could potentially be for years, it will doubtless have a big impact on your children. I'd also be concern about his parents not wanting to be involved

Thisarmingman · 14/07/2017 22:51

OP please don't write off your bil just because he has a diagnosis. I get that when people are in the throes of delusion they are hard work to be around, but if he hasn't been violent before he is unlikely to be so now.

You say that mh provision isn't the best where you are so actually what will happen to him if he has nowhere to go and he is struggling to live alone?

Evewasinnocent · 14/07/2017 22:52

Why do you think he is a danger to you? What evidence do you have? What if any are the risks? From personal experience the person most likely to be in danger is himself?

Please note I am slightly biased here as only recently arranged had to arrange the funeral of a close family member who committed suicide (and diagnosed as having paranoid schizophrenia) - I so wish he had come to live with us (as we wanted - though it would not have been easy) and he was still alive.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/07/2017 22:53

My husband only ever sees the best in people and does not believe his brother could ever be violent

This somehow implies that BiL is at fault here, and he's not - he has a serious illness, and from what you've said it sounds poorly controlled

Unfortunately his illness is one which can have major consequences for others, which is why I suggested your DH needs proper advice as an absolute minimum ... and even then there are no guarantees

SafeToCross · 14/07/2017 22:53

But its not just risk of violence, its risk of having a relative staying affecting your relationship and family life, with no prospect of him moving out. Plus, I am guessing that you and dc are home a lot, and will essentially be expected to be a carer, while dh gets to do that more part time.

StaplesCorner · 14/07/2017 22:54

Not with paranoid schizophrenia, neither of you can manage it, not around young children - this wont work. By all means offer support and help, but do not have him to live with you. Talk to his Community Mental health nurse see what the options are.

thenightsky · 14/07/2017 22:58

Has he ever actually been violent? Most people with an mh condition including people diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia are no more violent than any other person. They may have a different handle on reality to you but that honestly doesn't mean they are axe wielding murderers

^ this ^

MammaTJ · 14/07/2017 22:58

In the UK, I would say a categorical 'no, do not take him in, let the health services deal with him'.

Where are you? This is relevant to our advice.

Someone may be able to point you in the direction of appropriate support.

Having said all that......... diagnosed and medicated, he probably is not a danger.

Thisarmingman · 14/07/2017 22:58

If that relative had cancer, or a broken leg, would you still think that same consideration an issue, Starcross?

Slimthistime · 14/07/2017 22:58

Is he living alone at the moment when not with relatives?

If he can live alone, could he live nearby so your DH can ensure he takes meds etc?

KeemaNaan · 14/07/2017 22:59

As someone who has serious mental illness and children, the comments on this thread are an eye-opener.

I've been delusional, hallucinated, been sectioned. Still have children and thankfully the parents of my children's friends have never even had a problem with me taking them out for the day or having them over for a sleepover.

Not everyone with schizophrenia is a danger to others. The majority simply aren't.

I'd not want my BIL to move in with us because I don't like having long term guests and enjoy our peace. Those are reasonable considerations.

Thisarmingman · 14/07/2017 22:59

Sorry - that should read safetocross.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 14/07/2017 23:01

Paranoid schizophrenia and children do not mix.

Iikkiilloo · 14/07/2017 23:02

OP, I'd be very concerned too but it's possible that your BIL will be perfectly ok to have in your home. I don't think you should write him off. Paranoid schizophrenia can be effectively managed and some people people with it can lead normal lives.

I think you should find out more information before assuming the worst. I wouldn't take any risks if I were you but I think you shouldn't dismiss him staying with you out of hand. The fact that he is dilusional may or may not be a concern to you safety wise.

Having said all that then then you also quite entitled to not want someone else living in the house. Just because your BIL has paranoid schizophrenia shouldn't mean he automatically shouldn't live with you but it also shouldn't mean that you should feel obliged to let him live with you IYSWIM

Loveache · 14/07/2017 23:03

Even mh aside, having another adult in your family home for an undefined period of time can lead to a very strained dynamic. Never mind an unwell one. Then you have a small child, and another due on top of that. My gut with this would be no, but with a leeway of staying for a month or so whilst a more permanent home is found for him.
I'm in Ireland where mental health services are basically non-exisistant too so understand that that's a major difficulty. Would renting him his own flat somewhere nearby be an option?

Digestive28 · 14/07/2017 23:04

I think there is a lot of junping to conclusions! Your concern is about risk, the diagnosis tells you nothing about that. Not all people with psychosis are dangerous! And, recovery is possible. Maybe speak to him, find out what the delusions are (are they about Harm?) and has he ever been a concern about violence.
You can also compromise, agree to do it but whole family review every 6 weeks etc
Good luck, it's a tough dilemma and not clear cut as whatever decision made will involve hard conversations

Summerlovinhadmeaghast · 14/07/2017 23:04

Why don't his parents want to help? They would be the obvious candidates, rather than your child with a toddler and pregnant wife.

BigSunglasses00 · 14/07/2017 23:05

If his illness is managed and he's under care then that's a bit different. I was under the impression he was totally untreated. Ask his doctor? Lots of people still have residual symptoms even when they're relatively OK. 'Delusions' by itself doesn't really tell anyone much other than that his perception of reality is skewed and he believes things that aren't true. Lots of people live with residual psychosis.

Thisarmingman · 14/07/2017 23:05

Keemanaan some of the comments are horrible. Please be assured that not everyone is prejudiced and I wish you many happy days with your children and your friends' children.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 14/07/2017 23:06

My dad has schizophrenia with bipolar (not sure if this is the same as paranoid schizophrenia or not as I haven't researched it) and he was very violent to us growing up. We didn't know it at the time so he wasn't medicated. I'm not sure what he is like now he is medicated as we are NC but it would definitely put me off having someone in a similar position to stay

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