BIL with mh illness coming to stay

[Chicci1]

Apologies in advance if this post comes across as insensitive.
My brother in law has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and sadly recently had a long term relationship break up. His mental health has deteriorated and my husband wants him to come live with us. His brother has also requested this. For how long he would be staying is unclear - he's not working and has no plans for anything in particular. He has been staying with friends and relatives for a few nights here and there but really has nowhere steady to go. His parents have no interest in helping him.

I absolutely understand my husband wanting to help his brother. The thoughts of him coming to stay with us is really upsetting me though and I can't sleep thinking about it. We have a two year old with health issues, I work full time and am almost six months pregnant. Am exhausted and know that this would be another big drain on us. There is also a big part of me that is afraid to have someone who is having delusions in our home.
What do I do - I know I am being unreasonable to force my husband to choose between his brother and family when his brother really needs him. At the same time I honestly don't think I can pretend I'm ok with this.

My cousin had PS and could become violent when his symptoms were bad. It only happened occasionally (maybe once every 3 years) and mostly involved damage to things rather than people. But he was terrified that he would hurt someone when he was ill.

He would never have lived with small children when his symptoms were poorly controlled because he couldn't be sure he wouldn't lash out and if he did he would have no control.

I think your DH is trying to do the best by everyone but I don't think it's a good solution for anyone that your DBil moves in.

I stand by my point that family support is important! Even as much as just keeping in contact and checking in now and then.

This, family support is one of the best predictors

I also want to say that even people who have no history of mental health issues struggle with relationship breakdowns. It's not necessarily a consequence of him having paranoid schizophrenia.

I suspect the fact your husband doesn't see him as a risk means there's been no history of violence.

I think you really do need to find out what support he needs, how long he wants to stay with you and speak to his care team. You can then make a balanced decision going forwards after having that input.

Cook his meals, do his laundry, clean up around him

People with paranoid schizophrenia are capable of doing these things.

I think the people saying "it's not about the illness it's just too much to have another person in the house when you have a baby and a toddler" are a bit disingenuous. If your sister was recovering from surgery for cancer say, and had found herself homeless, would you seriously say "No she can't come and stay, I'm too busy with my pregnancy and have to put my own family first"?

It is all about the brother's illness and it has to depend on the detailed nature of his condition, his medication compliance, his prognosis from professionals and his underlying character (e.g. Is he likely to take illegal drugs or alcohol?)

Mental health stigma is alive and well on MN

People with paranoid schizophrenia are at much higher risk of harming themselves than anyone else.

I would be very reluctant as pp have said to take an adult in to my home with a child and a Baby on the way even without MH issues.
An extended guest (or even a short term guest) is a huge intrusion. And it seems like your bil has no plan for the future.

It's a really difficult situation but tiy really need to have an honest, serious chat with your DH

I suspect the fact your husband doesn't see him as a risk means there's been no history of violence

That's possible, yes - or maybe "small" acts of violence have been brushed under the carpet, or even not known about by the rest of the family

Once again I'm wondering why exactly BIL's parents don't wish to be involved ... and also (as a PP said) what practical involvement DH would expect to have, above leaving OP to just get on with it on a day to day basis

People with paranoid schizophrenia are at much higher risk of harming themselves than anyone else.
True, but that is hardly reassuring for op as it would be one more thing worry about along with caring for a toddler and new baby.
Hard to say what you should do. It would depend on how controlled the condition, external support and whether he has any definite plans that would not make it long term. Otherwise it looks like a major responsibility for OP.

Puzzled So you think that the OPs husband would risk his partner's and children's health and not mention / brush aside "small acts of violence"?

It's more likely, statistically, that this man has never committed such acts of violence.

My brother has delusions, depression etc He is not a threat to other people in any way. But I would still not allow this with young children. He is pretty incapable of empathy and he expects life to revolve around him and his care needs. Hugely draining and hard to balance. In our case my children and marriage would suffer through lack of attention and I wouldn't want my children being exposed to the self harm, lack of motivation, lack of basic kindness. At the moment my parents are alive and healthy but I do worry there may be some difficult conversations down the line but I know I will need to be firm and clear about boundaries. Do you really know the extent of his illness and how it presents? The isn't a one size fits all answer but I would be very careful.

I had a long term relationship with someone with similar MH issues.

Some horrible attitudes on this thread. My ex never hurt anyone and there is no reason to think someone with mh issues would be violent.

You shouldn't take him in if he needs specific care but if he is taking his medicine can he function day to day ok?

I do not think that this thread contains prejudice against folk with MH problems. The issue here is the specific diagnosis, which can carry risks. We need to welcome and support those with MH in our communities, but we do not help by closing our eyes to the potential risks of this particular diagnosis if it is not well treated and monitored. There would need to be safeguards in place before the OP should consider - there would need to be certainty that proper monitoring was in place at the very least.

Just having a relative living with a family places stresses on everyone. Someone with such a serious MH problem increases those stresses, so OP does need to give full consideration to all of this in conversation with her OH and the MH services locally. If they are not willing to enter into a discussion with her (on the grounds of confidentiality) then I think the family need to say no - they need to have the full facts before opening their doors to the brother. It would not be fair to ask them to do so otherwise. The conversations need to be blame-free - i.e. her OH needs to understand her worries and not accuse her of prejudice.

It is also very important that OP does not feel forced into a decision she is unhappy about on the grounds that the brother might deteriorate or become suicidal in the face of a refusal. The decision needs a great deal of objective thought based on facts.

So you think that the OPs husband would risk his partner's and children's health and not mention / brush aside "small acts of violence"?

I couldn't possibly say what OP's husband would do as I don't know any of them; I was suggesting possibilities around what might have happened, hence the "maybe"

Because of the circumstances I mentioned I'm also very well aware of the "statistics" ... and also that trying to tell yourself "well, there was only a 10% chance" is very little comfort if the worst happens

Given that very young children are involved, that his parents have already refused to house BIL, that OP's account suggests BIL's illness is unstable and that local support services are said to be "woeful" I'd personally believe that 10% chance to be too high - but again, I appreciate everyone will feel differently about this

I'm a mental health nurse with 30 years experience in the field.

While I understand your fears and it is a huge responsibility to let him stay with you, I am also saddened by some of the responses here.

The majority of people with schizophrenia are not a risk to others. The biggest risk they pose is to themselves. Many commit suicide (either as a result of command hallucinations, of because of associated depression.) Many are at risk of chronic self neglect of both themselves and their environment. They often have poor physical health- a lot of medication causes weight gain, a lot of them smoke and many lack the skills to cook from scratch etc. Many of them are vulnerable to being exploited by others-a lot lack the social skills to develop 'normal' friendships and relationships leading to loneliness and then being vulnerable to those who pray on such people eg for financial reasons.

The situation is compounded by the fact many lack insight so it can be difficult to get them to take medication and/or engage with services.

I do totally understand your caution about him living with you as you have enough on your plate with your child/ren but i do wish that people did not think that those with this diagnosis are dangerous to others. They very rarely are, and those you hear of are generally the exception rather than the rule.

If your BIL is seeing a psychiatrist then I think you ought to ask the doctor's advice on whether living with you will be good for his mental health, never mind vice versa

I think you should speak to his doctor, understand the implications for all of you. Understand the condition, how it manifests in him, and how to deal with it.

I'd also agree that having someone share your family home changes the dynamic also. From watching tv together in the evening, meal times, even just a basic privacy issue in your own home. You then couple this with boisterous young children a crying infant and a person with a serious mental health condition and I'd urge you all to tread carefully.

Don't baldly say no to your husband, but do say that before any decisions are made you wish to speak to his doctor to truely understand what you are all dealing with. Your husband needs to accept his brother is ill and as with any Ill person they will need support and you need to understand what that means.

Also address who cares for him, I assume your husband is out at work during the day. Will you be, or will you be home alone with the kids and his brother?

Yanbu, I Think you will hugely regret it if you take him in. You have a baby on the way, a child who has health issues and you need your space as a family.
Besides this man doesn't have plans to work, you can see him parking himself off with your family and getting rid off him won't be easy.
There's just so much more negatives than positives to him coming there. And that's besides the mh issues.
Do you really want to be chasing up with his doctors and all that's suggested here? Where are you going to find the time with a new baby?
If his own parents have no interest then how is your family with two small babies going to manage?

I don't think you need to involve yourself with his doctors and get entangled and then obligated with this becoming a problem you now have to deal with. The priority is your children, your husband needs to wake up and realize this. Why would he bring this situation to your home when he has two small children who need your full time and attention?

I think you and your DH have to both agree for your BIL to live in you home. It's a major, life-changing decision. You both have to be on the same page. And if you don't want someone anyone else living in your home, for whatever reason, then he doesn't come live in your home. I do think the veto vote does have to be on that side of the proposal.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to not want your BIL to live with you. And I don't think your DH has the right to make you feel bad and guilt trip you about it. It is your home, too. It is your children's home, too. Who lives in the house beside your core family is a REALLY big deal to you, and rightfully so.

What you can offer to do is to support your DH in finding suitable living arrangements for your BIL, nearby if that's what he wants and needs, and make sure he is getting appropriate care and follow ups for his mental health issues. You can support your DH and your BIL without having your BIL move in.

HappyFeet so what do you suggest? Just leave BIL to it? He is a human, DH's ill brother! Not a situation! DH obviously cares about his brother and is concerned for his welfare and you talk like he has done something malicious to his family!

By talking to the care team, appropriate ongoing support and accommodation can be arranged which might make life easier for them all, inconnvient now but better in the long run! The care team may also advise that it is not in BIL's best interests to stay with the family, and this may prevent an awkward situation for OP!

Inconvenient*

You need to seek specific advice from his MH team. It might not be in anyone's best interests for him to live with you, but only his professionals help to risk assess the situation.

They will (should) also help you to explore any and all options open to him now.

Please seek advice urgently. There is no point in getting him in with you only for more potential upheaval moving somewhere else. It won't be good for him and it won't be good for you.

Thisarmingman thank you for some balance
What Chaz said is also pertinent here... it does sound like it would be a drain on you ...
I would want to help my brother in this situation ...
It sounds like it might be too much at the moment ... is there another way to support him?

Lots and lots of different views on this thread, and even if some of them are polar opposites, still a lot of food for thought so I'm not going to repeat any of them.

But what does strike me is that we know very little of the DH's attitude to this. The OP says that he wants the BiL to live there, and the BiL does too. Is the DH willing to discuss it?

Has he addressed the question of who will do the caring?

Yes someone with PS can do household chores, but there will be times, due to his illness, when he can't. Who takes that on? Is DH assuming that OP will do it all the time anyway?

What does he expect the BiL to do while he's there?

Has DH suggested a time frame for this, or is he proposing that BiL's stay is indefinite?

The OP's comment about it being a choice for DH between his brother or the OP and their children suggests (but we don't have the info for sure) that DH has decided that this is going to happen, without any discussion of practicalities and implications, consideration of the OP's concerns, or compromise. If that is the case then it is completely unfair on the OP, and she is certainly not BU.