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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked by SIL and her child

134 replies

lesarbres · 14/07/2017 14:25

I'm a very long-time lurker but this is the first time I've felt the need to post on AIBU. This is a bit long, sorry, but I wanted to give a reasonable picture.

Last week DH and I went to visit his sister and her 2 year old DS. We don't have children of our own but we are both used to spending time with small children.

SIL's DS has taken quite a long time to reach various developmental milestones. For example, until very recently he couldn't speak and is only just beginning to say a couple of words. Her family has been quite worried about this but SIL hasn't been concerned.

When we arrived, I expressed how good it was to see her DS saying a couple of words. She responded by saying that she'd received an appointment in the post for a review of his developmental stages but that he couldn't do half of the things on the list so wasn't going and binned it! Shock

Later, we went for a walk. DH told his sister that we couldn't be long because we needed to get going soon (he has a broken wrist and it's a two hour journey home). After about half an hour DH said that we really should be getting back now, but his sister ignored this and went off in the distance with her DS.

She then decided that her DS needed feeding and proceeded to very slowly feed him two packets of food. At this point, DH was a bit firmer and said that we really must get on because he was very tired and his wrist was hurting.

Eventually we started to make our way towards the park exit... Except, there was a wall that SIL's DS wanted to walk on. We figured it would only take a minute so smiled along. But it didn't take a minute... we spent about 15 minutes standing there while he walked up and down the logs very slowly, with SIL making no effort to encourage him off. DH walked up to him and gently tried to grab his hand, at which point his sister pounced on him and told him to leave him and let him play on the wall.

DH was a bit irritated now and said, 'Look, we need to go.' SIL snapped at him that it was her DS's time and their routine. Confused

Finally we managed to move away from the wall, only to come to the car park. SIL's DS pointed to some letters on the ground (as in, SLOW, EXIT etc.). SIL then spelt out a word as he pointed at each letter on the ground. We were open-mouthed.

But, what really shocked me is that SIL's DS was in the path of a car reversing, so DH ran towards him to grab his hand and pull him out the way. SIL was furious and told DH to get off him. Sad

We've come away feeling really shocked by all of this. I don't think this is a good way to be around children?

OP posts:
wizzywig · 14/07/2017 14:32

Eh i dont understand. Why is your nephew taking his time to walk on a wall and recognising letters a bad thing? Or is it you are annoyed that she ignored yr husbands need to get back on the road?

wizzywig · 14/07/2017 14:33

Yeah getting annoyed that he stopped yr nephew getting hurt by the car is odd. So is ignoring an appt from the doctors

IHaveCausedConfusionAndDelay · 14/07/2017 14:35

If you really wanted to go home why couldn't you just leave her in the park with her ds? I'm failing o see what the problem is tbh. Was SIL holding ds's hand when the car started reversing towards them?

belmontian · 14/07/2017 14:36

She sounds like one of those parents. YANBU OP.

LanaDReye · 14/07/2017 14:38

Sounds like something is missing here. Does your SIL have a clear understanding of communication and does she have 'regular' learning skills?

Purplemac · 14/07/2017 14:39

YABVU

Finally we managed to move away from the wall, only to come to the car park. SIL's DS pointed to some letters on the ground (as in, SLOW, EXIT etc.). SIL then spelt out a word as he pointed at each letter on the ground. We were open-mouthed.

What exactly were you open mouthed about?!

Your DH knew you'd need to leave within half an hour so why on earth did you both agree to go on a walk with a 2 year old? Really mean to bitch and whinge about how a toddler was playing and kept you waiting. You're the adults, make better decisions.

SIL should really rethink the appointment though.

requestingsunshine · 14/07/2017 14:40

Children develop at very different rates so YABU to think he should be saying more/doing more. From what you've described of the day he sounds like hes doing just fine. My 1st dd was talking a full 7 months ahead of my other dd. Both are level accademically now so it means nothing.

Her getting angry at your DH for moving him out of the way of a car sounds a bit weird. Perhaps you'd stressed her out by this point with your judging and moaning about your drive home?

monkeymamma · 14/07/2017 14:41

This is such a strange post. What's the AIBU?

AIBU to be pissed off that people with toddlers have to do things slowly, more slowly than childfree people. A bit, yes. Next time you'll factor more time into the day I guess.

AIBU to be shocked that SIL binned letter about developmental review. Well, if it's the 2.5 year review, it's usually carried out between 2.5 and 3, and lots of the things they ask about won't yet be relevant as there's such a big leap between 2 and 3. The health visitor tends to bring a spare copy during the review anyway, so this probably isn't quite the shocking behaviour you imagine. TBH if a relative came to mine 'expressing' relief that my DS could talk then I'd be a bit Hmm about it. Maybe more polite not to mention, or word it a bit more diplomatically.

AIBU to be pissed off that SIL was helping DNeph explore and explaining print letters to him? Yes YABU!

AIBU to think SIL shouldn't have shouted at DH after he grabbed Dneph to save his life. Well, of course he should have grabbed him. The car reversing should certainly have been looking (v.shite and reckless driving). But SIL probably felt a bit defensive especially after DH had needlessly grabbed his arm when he was walking on the wall (which could have been dangerous - I wouldn't grab an unsteady toddler while he's balancing on something high up). She probably saw it as criticism of her parenting especially after the comments about her DS's speech. She W a bit U but I can see why she might have overreacted after the events of the day!

Original poster
lesarbres · 14/07/2017 14:42

IHave - all of our things were at her house so we couldn't just leave.

She wasn't holding his hand when the car was reversing, no.

We just didn't understand why she was ignoring that we needed to get going. It was about an hour from the first 'we really must go' to the last, we really were very patient. It was as if she couldn't say 'no' to him and couldn't bear anyone stopping him from doing what he wanted to do, i.e.stand in the path of the car. I've never seen anything like that before.

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 14/07/2017 14:42

I can see what you mean about being cross at your Dh trying to save him from being hit by a car.
And even the binning of the letter, although I don't think that's the worse thing ever.

I'm not entirely sure what is wrong with the rest of it though? I understand you and your dh wanted to get on the road but don't see what that has got to do with "I don't think this is a good way to be with children"?

RelaxMax · 14/07/2017 14:47

Newsflash: people parent differently.

Personally I like to give my 2 year old time to explore, to go at his own pace, and I avoid rushing him. It also sounds like you were joining in with their normal routine, me she doesn't want to disrupt that. She was maybe being a bit rude/inconsiderate to your DH but it's not a big deal.

Pointing out letters is totally normal.

Not sure what your issue is tbh, certainly nothing here that sounds like bad parenting or a problem to be worried about.

RelaxMax · 14/07/2017 14:49

(Other than the car reversing, obv, but then we weren't there to see quite how it happened).

BackforGood · 14/07/2017 14:49

I think you seem very easily shocked Hmm

Pestilentialone · 14/07/2017 14:50

So your DP was stopped from grabbing DN's hand and dragging him out the way of the car. Did DN get run over?
You may have some steep learning curves coming.

objectsintherearviewmirror · 14/07/2017 14:52

I think the fact that you're complaining SIL 'very slowly' fed the hungry toddler illustrates that you are being unreasonable. What did you expect her to do, shovel the food in for your convenience, simply because an adult was tired and had a sore wrist? Perhaps you're not as used to being around children as you think if you are surprised that walks with toddlers take a long time and that they stop to explore.

AntiopeofThemyscira · 14/07/2017 14:58

Some of what you say sounds a bit odd but mostly you sound like prime examples of The Childless Judgemental.

RhubardGin · 14/07/2017 15:01

If your SIL knew that you had a certain time to be on the road for and kept dragging her heels that would have pissed me off too.

He's 2. If you let them walk over every wall, stop at every sign, touch every interesting thing it would take hours to ever get home.

Your SIL shouting at your husband for moving him out of the way of a reversing car is odd, she obviously wasn't paying attention. But stopping in a car park with a young child to read road signs is stupid anyway.

I'm with you OP, I would have lost my patience.

BaskingTrout · 14/07/2017 15:01

Maybe she was inconsiderate in not responding when your DH said he needed to go. But going on walks with toddlers is a sloooooow process. My rule of thumb is that, if DD is with me, things take 3x as long.
Yesterday we went for a walk, she stopped to smell basically EVERY flower we passed and insisted on getting on the buggy board every time we came to some horse poo, so I could push the buggy through the poo and she could laugh hysterically.
I can see how that would have been monumentally irritating to someone in a rush, but we were enjoying ourselves.

MaisieDotes · 14/07/2017 15:02

Why was it up to your DH how long the walk would take? Confused

Actually just Confused by the whole post. Yabu.

Original poster
lesarbres · 14/07/2017 15:02

To clarify, we don't think there's anything wrong with letting children play or spelling out letters - the opposite in fact. We had been visiting for hours, it was the evening, DH's broken wrist was hurting and we needed to get home. I don't think that makes us monsters.

OP posts:
RhubardGin · 14/07/2017 15:02

Also, throwing away her sons letter was strange.

She sounds like one of those parents who obviously knows best!

Leonardo44 · 14/07/2017 15:02

I don't understand why leaving earlier would have made your DH's wrist hurt less? Sounds like for whatever reason she was pissed off you were in such a hurry.

The car thing is weird but as pp said we didn't see it, was SIL not watching him?

Everything else sounds normal, lots of people don't bother with those appointments, of course toddlers take a long time and providing I don't really need to be somewhere I let my kids take as long as they like, walk along walls etc.

Gemini69 · 14/07/2017 15:03

what's so difficult for people to follow here...

A: there is clearly someone wrong with the Mother... in that she recognises her son has delayed development issues and will not attend the appointment to assist with this...

B: OP and Hubby NEEDED TO LEAVE..... due to a broken wrist and 2 hour drive.... but SIL deliberately DELAYED them being able to depart....

your SIL sounds like she's that needs help OP x

astoundedgoat · 14/07/2017 15:03

The torturously slow progress would drive me demented, and I have two young children myself, but you seem quick to judge.

For example, until very recently he couldn't speak and is only just beginning to say a couple of words.

By "2" do you mean just turned 2 or just turning 3? My (v bright and articulate) dd1 didn't say a WORD until dd2 was born when she was just over 2. Up until then, she knew that we would try to work out what she wanted (pointing and "uhh!" was the extent of it). When dd2 was born, she got a bit of a shock when suddenly we were all "tell us now in words, or we move on immediately" and lo and behold! Speech! She won't stop talking now. Gin

The developmental list you mention - as said above, it's a spectrum, and if the mother of a PFB isn't worried, then she's probably right, unless you have solid reasons to believe she is not a responsible or caring parent.

You don't have children, so I get how it must have all been a bit agonising, but nothing you say sounds any more unusual than usual PFB behaviour, so YABU.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/07/2017 15:04

She sounds like a bitch who is only concerned about herself. The fact that she ignored your DP when he was injured is very telling. Personally, I'd give her a bodyswerve from here on in. Having children does not mean that others do not have needs.