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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked by SIL and her child

134 replies

lesarbres · 14/07/2017 14:25

I'm a very long-time lurker but this is the first time I've felt the need to post on AIBU. This is a bit long, sorry, but I wanted to give a reasonable picture.

Last week DH and I went to visit his sister and her 2 year old DS. We don't have children of our own but we are both used to spending time with small children.

SIL's DS has taken quite a long time to reach various developmental milestones. For example, until very recently he couldn't speak and is only just beginning to say a couple of words. Her family has been quite worried about this but SIL hasn't been concerned.

When we arrived, I expressed how good it was to see her DS saying a couple of words. She responded by saying that she'd received an appointment in the post for a review of his developmental stages but that he couldn't do half of the things on the list so wasn't going and binned it! Shock

Later, we went for a walk. DH told his sister that we couldn't be long because we needed to get going soon (he has a broken wrist and it's a two hour journey home). After about half an hour DH said that we really should be getting back now, but his sister ignored this and went off in the distance with her DS.

She then decided that her DS needed feeding and proceeded to very slowly feed him two packets of food. At this point, DH was a bit firmer and said that we really must get on because he was very tired and his wrist was hurting.

Eventually we started to make our way towards the park exit... Except, there was a wall that SIL's DS wanted to walk on. We figured it would only take a minute so smiled along. But it didn't take a minute... we spent about 15 minutes standing there while he walked up and down the logs very slowly, with SIL making no effort to encourage him off. DH walked up to him and gently tried to grab his hand, at which point his sister pounced on him and told him to leave him and let him play on the wall.

DH was a bit irritated now and said, 'Look, we need to go.' SIL snapped at him that it was her DS's time and their routine. Confused

Finally we managed to move away from the wall, only to come to the car park. SIL's DS pointed to some letters on the ground (as in, SLOW, EXIT etc.). SIL then spelt out a word as he pointed at each letter on the ground. We were open-mouthed.

But, what really shocked me is that SIL's DS was in the path of a car reversing, so DH ran towards him to grab his hand and pull him out the way. SIL was furious and told DH to get off him. Sad

We've come away feeling really shocked by all of this. I don't think this is a good way to be around children?

OP posts:
dodobookends · 14/07/2017 15:33

If she carries on like this, your SIL is going to have a high old time getting her ds ready for school in the mornings, and persuading him to do his homework Grin

RhubardGin · 14/07/2017 15:36

Oh yes you can, especially when they're tiny and you need to head off home. You tell them its time to go, you pick them up and walk off. Job done

Shocking parenting! Grin

Honestly, some parents on here need to get a grip and toughen up.

Velvian · 14/07/2017 15:37

I'm guessing you misread the situation. I expect your sil felt judged, the thank goodness he's talking, indicates this might be the case. It seems that you think it's SIL's fault that he's not talking. I wouldn't read too much into chucking the leaflet away, maybe she wanted to close down any more discussion with you on the subject. Is your SIL lonely? Did she not want you to go? Does your dh visit her at other times? I think there are any number of reasonable explanations for the behaviour of your sil and i do get the impression that you like to feel superior to her. Cut her some slack & look for the good things.

Gemini69 · 14/07/2017 15:49

helluva lot of guessing going on there Velvian .... helluva lot

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 14/07/2017 15:54

When you have DC2 and DC1 is school age, you'll realise that children have to be hurried.

Velvian · 14/07/2017 16:00

Yes, that's my point really. If op wants to know how her sil feels about things she should ask her & have a bit more respect for her.

Gemini69 · 14/07/2017 16:04

again your guessing.....

MamaHanji · 14/07/2017 16:05

I love it when people without children 'are used to being around small children' and feel they are equipped to judge to other people's parenting.

She could probably feel the waves of judgement and superiority rolling off you.

She probably feels scared and like a failure the whole family is commenting on her DS abilities and finding them wanting and the doctors are wanting to follow it up.

Maybe offer her support and someone to talk to, instead bitching about her parenting on online forums...

TheNoseyProject · 14/07/2017 16:07

Well she sounds odd for getting cross about pulling child out of way of car and the letter.

You sound odd about the wrist - if it's that bad is he even safe to drive? And if it's the driving that hurts it why does the leaving time matter?

So you are both U

Gemini69 · 14/07/2017 16:08

what a crock of crap ...... this gets better by the post hahahaaaaaaa

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 14/07/2017 16:13

What? This is a weird thread, it made me feel creeped out and I don't know why.

justkeepswimmingg · 14/07/2017 16:13

Just to echo some other posers..

-Everyone parents different.
-It's none of your business if SILs DS is delayed, and not your place to judge. (My DS is, and I am so sick of 'family' thinking it's their place to stick their ore in).
-Development checks are optional (although, yes her DS would probably have benefited from attending).
-You were 'open mouthed' about DS being taught letters, although he is delayed and would benefit from it.
-SIL was rude by not acknowledging and accepting that her DB wanted to leave.
-SIL was BU by getting angry with her DB for taking her DS away from a reversing car.

I think maybe SIL is BU in some aspects, and that you are BU in some aspects.

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2017 16:14

She clearly puts her son and his needs first, and isn't keen to hear if something is wrong with him. She wouldn't be the first or the last.

She should have explained how long the walk would take so you could not join and just go home, and you should maybe have been a little more patient sounds like you were all deliberately winding each other up.

requestingsunshine · 14/07/2017 16:16

I don't find it odd about her binning the letter. It sounds like it was the 2 yr old check, which is not compulsary. I didn't go to mine because ds was doing most of the things on the list and the other things was just starting off doing and I had no concerns over his ability or intelligence. I didn't need a stranger telling me, yes he is doing fine, when I already knew he was doing fine.

Firesuit · 14/07/2017 16:33

You were 'open mouthed' about DS being taught letters, although he is delayed and would benefit from it.

I think maybe they were open-mouthed at the further time-wasting when the SIL had already kept them prisoner for an hour after they had said they needed to leave.

(For those who missed it, their stuff was in the house, so they couldn't leave before SIL return to her home.)

Firesuit · 14/07/2017 16:34

It seems the AIBU is that the sister completely ignored their repeated request to be allowed to leave, holding them prisoner while she indulged every desire of her child to be entertained.

Original poster
lesarbres · 14/07/2017 16:41

That's it, exactly, Firesuit Smile

I wasn't judging SIL at all. All I said was how nice it was that DN was saying some words, I'm not sure what's wrong with that?

I was shocked/surprised that she wouldn't just tell DN we weren't going home.

To the person who couldn't understand how we got there with DH's wrist and driving... well, I also drive Wink

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 14/07/2017 16:43

also allowing her brother to be in pain from his broken arm as she would not leave.

Ecureuil · 14/07/2017 16:47

She sounds a bit rude and inconsiderate but that's nothing to do with her parenting, it's to do with her personality.

MamaHanji · 14/07/2017 16:51

So you want people to agree she was unreasonable to ignore your and snowflake DH wishes to leave because her and her son were following there routine.

Yet you asked AIBU in thinking this isn't a good way to be around children. Not anything about whether or not you were unreasonable for being annoyed at being ignored because you needed to get home.

What is it you are actually looking for? People to confirm she was inconsiderate to not listen to your wishes. Or that she's a shit mum with a delayed son because she lets him walk on walls and look at letters...genuinely don't get what your problem is.

Yes YABU

2014newme · 14/07/2017 16:52

Surely you just get in the car and go when it's time to leave?

"we're leaving now, if you want a lift you need to come and get I'm the car"

blackteasplease · 14/07/2017 16:57

Binning the letter is not good, and neither is being upset your dh dragged him out of the path of a car. Perhaps it wasn't clear this was what he was doing.

The rest yabu. No way should you go for a walk with a toddler and expect it to be quick. Also, perhaps this was the main focus of the visit for them and the only bot dn would find fun.

What were you doing before the walk? It wasn't a situation of sitting round for ages having adult talk or a meal while toddler was a bit bored, then when you finally go out for the only bit of the day the toddler will enjoy saying "oh let's cut this short because now we have to go". All the things she was doing with dn sound lovely.

blackteasplease · 14/07/2017 16:59

And I'm all for picking up your kid and going if it's necessary in the circumstances/ remotely fair.

RiverTam · 14/07/2017 17:02

2014 surely before posting on a thread you read all the OP's posts? The OP has said their stuff was in SIL's house so they couldnt just leave.

OP, yanbu. She sounds ridiculous.

2014newme · 14/07/2017 17:07

@rivertam I'm.not saying just leave but actually getting in the car rather than waiting for her to stop faffing may have speeded her up. Of course it also may not, she sounds misguided and stubborn!