To be shocked by SIL and her child

[lesarbres]

I'm a very long-time lurker but this is the first time I've felt the need to post on AIBU. This is a bit long, sorry, but I wanted to give a reasonable picture.

Last week DH and I went to visit his sister and her 2 year old DS. We don't have children of our own but we are both used to spending time with small children.

SIL's DS has taken quite a long time to reach various developmental milestones. For example, until very recently he couldn't speak and is only just beginning to say a couple of words. Her family has been quite worried about this but SIL hasn't been concerned.

When we arrived, I expressed how good it was to see her DS saying a couple of words. She responded by saying that she'd received an appointment in the post for a review of his developmental stages but that he couldn't do half of the things on the list so wasn't going and binned it!

Later, we went for a walk. DH told his sister that we couldn't be long because we needed to get going soon (he has a broken wrist and it's a two hour journey home). After about half an hour DH said that we really should be getting back now, but his sister ignored this and went off in the distance with her DS.

She then decided that her DS needed feeding and proceeded to very slowly feed him two packets of food. At this point, DH was a bit firmer and said that we really must get on because he was very tired and his wrist was hurting.

Eventually we started to make our way towards the park exit... Except, there was a wall that SIL's DS wanted to walk on. We figured it would only take a minute so smiled along. But it didn't take a minute... we spent about 15 minutes standing there while he walked up and down the logs very slowly, with SIL making no effort to encourage him off. DH walked up to him and gently tried to grab his hand, at which point his sister pounced on him and told him to leave him and let him play on the wall.

DH was a bit irritated now and said, 'Look, we need to go.' SIL snapped at him that it was her DS's time and their routine.

Finally we managed to move away from the wall, only to come to the car park. SIL's DS pointed to some letters on the ground (as in, SLOW, EXIT etc.). SIL then spelt out a word as he pointed at each letter on the ground. We were open-mouthed.

But, what really shocked me is that SIL's DS was in the path of a car reversing, so DH ran towards him to grab his hand and pull him out the way. SIL was furious and told DH to get off him.

We've come away feeling really shocked by all of this. I don't think this is a good way to be around children?

So you want people to agree she was unreasonable to ignore your and snowflake DH wishes to leave
Lovely, don't worry that her dh has a broken wrist, he's just a snowflake

epoxiy school so they should stay longer even though they've already been there for hours?
Her dh should just suck it up?

Are you Catherine Tate ?

It would be my random guess that SIL was relishing the opportunity to play what she thought was 'the perfect parent' in front of you both so you could see him doing all these things and see that she takes time to support his development i.e. Pointing out and sounding the letters/words.

She is maybe worried sick about him or more so the families 'concerns' about him and wanted to make sure those concerns were minimised.

Her dismissive behaviour towards dh trying to hurry her ds along was out of order though, she was wrong to delay your leaving by so long.

I suppose it would have been an idea to ask her there and then what the hell she was playing at.

You'll know now not to go to the park in her car, meet them there next time....if there is a next time

Now I've had children I realise that they are more important than any adult. Perhaps you will too.

Some people just faff and are rubbish at getting anywhere on time or leaving a park or anything like that and children just exacerbate it. I am a parent but I am also really impatient efficient and even when child was a toddler we generally managed to get around the place without too much hassle. I also have learnt not to take it personally/get annoyed even though I am when people around me take ages to do stuff, and I generally arrange things so that I can get going when I want to.

Now I've had children I realise that they are more important than any adult. Perhaps you will too.
Yes, them walking on a wall is sooo much more important

OP, I think you explained it badly but is it something like this:

DN has some developmental delays and judging from your visit to the park SIL does not appear to be enforcing normal parental boundaries (like keeping him safe) and is not interacting well with him, choosing to just let him do what he wants rather than engaging with him about leaving?

It does sound like as a whole picture there might be cause for concern.

Margaret - yes, yes, yes! Exactly that. I realise I've explained it clumsily. It's very difficult to paint a picture in one post. And, of course, nobody here knows what SIL is like generally. Perhaps I should have said that she is a difficult person to be around at the best of times and has a turbulent relationship with DH. She's very set on her views about parenting and she's anti-vaccinations/conventional medicine etc. Anyway, I agree with those who say it's none of my business. I was just interested in opinions which I now have and have been enlightening.

I can see two possible sides to this. Sorry if I've missed the bit where you are a childminder with seven dc of your own, but, if you don't have any dcs, it's possible that there is a touch of the "I was a perfect parent, until I was one" to this story. By which I mean, some people judge parents quite harshly until they are parents themselves (and then some keep judging of course, but you know what I mean). Expressing relief that he's saying a few words sounds like it could have been quite hurtful for her and unnecessary.

On the other hand, a broken wrist sounds really painful. I get why your DH wanted to leave and it does sound like she was dawdling. I would be a little bit , as you are, about the letter. Though, I agree with pps that it possibly isn't as big a deal as it might seem. They do all develop differently and the only 2yo review I went to with DD was a complete non event. I didn't find it helpful really and am none the wiser as to what it was for, but that's probably very ignorant of me . DD was on track though, so maybe that's why.

I wonder if there's a bit of sibling rivalry at play here as well, between your DH and his sister? She sounds like she maybe felt a bit defensive around him; not listening when he said he wanted to leave, getting annoyed when he tried to stop DNeph getting reversed into. Him grabbing DNeph's hand on the wall sounds quite rude though. I wouldn't have done that in those circumstances.

Siblings and the Uncle / Aunt / niece / nephew relationship can be quite hard to navigate sometimes ime. It's hard, as you know your sibling so well and sometimes it's difficult to know where the boundaries are with your siblings' dc. Just armchair diagnosis a theory of course!

Sorry - x post! I spent so long writing that on my shit phone I missed your latest post op.

Now I've had children I realise that they are more important than any adult. Perhaps you will too.

How patronising. I have children too. They are very important to me. What is also important to me is teaching them consideration and kindness, and that sometimes they can't have their own way and have to think of others. Your attitude seems to be an ideal way to raise spoilt brats who think the world revolves around them because that's what mummy always told them.

Nothing wrong with a child not being allowed to do exactly what they want all the time.

Well - he's your nephew, so to an extent it is your business. Not a popular view on MN, of course, where no-one other than the parents are ever allowed a opinion on a child not their own - but family is more than just the parents.

I don't know what you can do, though, apart from keep communication open between DH and SIL and try to maintain a relationship with your nephew.

Now I've had children I realise that they are more important than any adult. Perhaps you will too.

^
So - if you need to get to work and your children are running around with their pants on their head.. that's just dandy is it ? My child's wish to poke carrots up his nose and refuse to put his shoes on is 'more important ' and therefore trumps DH picking granny up for a hospital appointment. ?

What a load of unrealistic bollocks. Back on planet earth,
Kids have a right to have fun. That right is tempered by a need to consider other people which should be taught by appropriate parenting. Not be instilling in them that their needs come first regardless. That way is the road to teenage horror ..

I'm not sure only having a couple of words at 2 is "development delay". But other than that I think the most valuable lesson here is never ever go to park with a toddler if you're in a rush. Ever.

Or don't go to the park with a mother who's incapable of scooping up their child and leaving when guests have stated they need to go.

It is always people without children that think they know it all about parenting! Yawn.

You do realise op that 'Sil's Dzs' is your nephew?

'SIL's DS'

I'm with Gemini and kittens - I won't say any more except that the selfish behaviour demonstrated by people these days, and supported by much of MN Posters, reduces the quality of life for everyone - thankfully I don't mix with that type much.

I think she was a bit rude with taking so long to actually leave the park. Chalk it up to experience and pack your car up first next time.

It sounds like the letter was for the 2 year check (different areas do them at slightly different ages, here it is when they turn 2) which tbh my own children have never been too. They are optional.
When your child isn't doing something quite as quick as others it can be pretty irritating to have people commenting on it. My ds1 walked late and I was so sick of the comments. He wasn't abnormally late just slower than others in the family.
You commenting on nephews talking may have got her back up, you most likely aren't the first to comment. From experience only having a handful of words at two isn't that unusual.

The reversing car thing. Weird for her to get annoyed. But without being there is hard to tell. How busy was the car park, far away was the car, was she about to grab him too, was dh a bit rough etc

It is inconsiderate to let a toddler dawdle around freely when others have a time pressure and are left in pain. Assuming that the pain relief was back at the SiL's with the rest of the stuff, that's an extra hour before it can be taken and begin working.

The dawdling and car park moment does sound like she's being oblivious to her surroundings. You do have to be aware of your surroundings and the impacts on others' needs. My younger DC would love to do the school run at his own pace, but that's not fair on the older sibling who would be late/ last to be collected, so I do have to chivvy him, hold his hand or even carry him.

It is in the normal range for a two year old to have a limited vocabulary. I used contact with the HVs to raise a similar issue for DS1. They weren't concerned at the time, but when progress continued to be slow, that record formed useful background when nursery and I were more concerned at 3 and the HVs then referred to SALT. If a child isn't thriving, then it's foolish to waste an opportunity to check it and seek support.

My DCs are in the top 5 most important people in the world... to me. They also need to fit around 7 billion other people in the world.

How patronising. I have children too. They are very important to me. What is also important to me is teaching them consideration and kindness, and that sometimes they can't have their own way and have to think of others. Your attitude seems to be an ideal way to raise spoilt brats who think the world revolves around them because that's what mummy always told them.
Here here

Now I've had children I realise that they are more important than any adult. Perhaps you will too.

Really? do you mean that what they want matters more than what any adult wants? What a load of crap and as a pp says how patronising. People who don't have children don't realise this so therefore are less enlightened, is that your implication?

The SIL didn't have to take as long as she did. She could have at least told her brother that half an hour was unrealistic and he could have made a decision not to go on the walk. I would definitely stay out of issues to do with his development OP, she loves him and cares for him in her own way and its not the way you would do it, I can see this might be frustrating but there's very little you can do anyway.

We don't know from your post whether he is delayed developmentally but many posters before me are right to say speech can develop this late and I can imagine its frustrating for his mother to feel judged by her family. This may even account for some of her selfish behaviour on your visit.

YANBU to be annoyed about her holding you up though.

Letting a child dawdle is annoying, but there doesn't sound like there is anything to worry about in terms of development if your only concern is that he only has a few words.

Whilst I pro-vax, the rest of her parenting style doesn't sound unusual at all and it seems more like a brother/sister disagreement than a parenting issue.

Poor toddler you and your family sound very judgmental, so many 2 year olds don't speak, and it does not help with so many people judging. He will talk when he's ready I don't understand why people get for obsessed with others children's abilities/milestones. The parents are with the child the most, they would know if anything was wrong & I'm sure would do what ever is best. As for the letter, all they say is to call and book an appointment, and a basic check sheet of milestones, I'm sure SIL has the health visitors number saved, so no need to keep the letter.

I'm sorry your husband hurt his wrist, but from what I can see, nothing was stopping you from just leaving? I don't really understand the. Red for this post :S