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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be shocked by SIL and her child

134 replies

lesarbres · 14/07/2017 14:25

I'm a very long-time lurker but this is the first time I've felt the need to post on AIBU. This is a bit long, sorry, but I wanted to give a reasonable picture.

Last week DH and I went to visit his sister and her 2 year old DS. We don't have children of our own but we are both used to spending time with small children.

SIL's DS has taken quite a long time to reach various developmental milestones. For example, until very recently he couldn't speak and is only just beginning to say a couple of words. Her family has been quite worried about this but SIL hasn't been concerned.

When we arrived, I expressed how good it was to see her DS saying a couple of words. She responded by saying that she'd received an appointment in the post for a review of his developmental stages but that he couldn't do half of the things on the list so wasn't going and binned it! Shock

Later, we went for a walk. DH told his sister that we couldn't be long because we needed to get going soon (he has a broken wrist and it's a two hour journey home). After about half an hour DH said that we really should be getting back now, but his sister ignored this and went off in the distance with her DS.

She then decided that her DS needed feeding and proceeded to very slowly feed him two packets of food. At this point, DH was a bit firmer and said that we really must get on because he was very tired and his wrist was hurting.

Eventually we started to make our way towards the park exit... Except, there was a wall that SIL's DS wanted to walk on. We figured it would only take a minute so smiled along. But it didn't take a minute... we spent about 15 minutes standing there while he walked up and down the logs very slowly, with SIL making no effort to encourage him off. DH walked up to him and gently tried to grab his hand, at which point his sister pounced on him and told him to leave him and let him play on the wall.

DH was a bit irritated now and said, 'Look, we need to go.' SIL snapped at him that it was her DS's time and their routine. Confused

Finally we managed to move away from the wall, only to come to the car park. SIL's DS pointed to some letters on the ground (as in, SLOW, EXIT etc.). SIL then spelt out a word as he pointed at each letter on the ground. We were open-mouthed.

But, what really shocked me is that SIL's DS was in the path of a car reversing, so DH ran towards him to grab his hand and pull him out the way. SIL was furious and told DH to get off him. Sad

We've come away feeling really shocked by all of this. I don't think this is a good way to be around children?

OP posts:
EastDulwichWife · 14/07/2017 17:15

How was his wrist pain going to be solved by leaving? Did he leave his painkillers at home?

I can understand why she was pissed at the "oh, how nice to see him talking" comment. It sounds very backhanded.

notaslimceagirl · 14/07/2017 17:22

Why couldn't you have just left them both to it?

Gottagetmoving · 14/07/2017 17:25

Sorry, I can't see what the problem is. Your sil was being a bit arsey and your dh has no idea how to deal with it.....People have stuff like this happen all the time.
Stop bothering about how she raises her child because you probably have no idea what she has to deal with day to day.

LTBiscuit · 14/07/2017 17:30

A normal person would get a move on when they've with someone that needs to get going yanbu

CheeseOfHearts · 14/07/2017 17:56

Sil has every single other day to let her DS play and spell out words. Just once to think of someone else wouldn't hurt him or her. It sounds like she was deliberately going slowly to prove some sort of point. And letting DS wander into the path of a reversing car is just bad parenting. YANBU.

schoolsoutforever · 14/07/2017 18:03

But did you really HAVE to go? Perhaps she was a little insulted that you didn't make the effort to stay longer.

Her son doesn't sound delayed. Mine spoke very few words until he was three. Read, writes, talks and is on a level with all his peers at seven. They all go at very different paces when little.

I think your SIL sounds a little like she's being judged for that and putting a finger up to the system in not attending the appointment. Not a very mature approach but perhaps understandable. Maybe she needs some support? The carpark thing was a bit odd and not great parenting but, again, perhaps she felt she was being criticised?

Starsandwishes · 14/07/2017 18:13

If it was me that needed to get going I would tell my sister. I need to be at the car by 2pm if there was still no heading back then I would have said it's been nice seeing you and little one. Let's do it again soon hopefully we will have more time.

With the development. My other children I have not taken to any development checks as I have not been worried and felt they would do it when their ready. But my ds is 27 months and only saying 3 words so he has been referred to speech therapy because I feel he needs some help. But if I'm not worried then I don't do the development checks.

228agreenend · 14/07/2017 18:13

I can understand why you were annoyed. Your sil has no concept of time or other people.

Your dh made clear references to,time constraints, and yet your sil ignored this by walking further, feeding child, and spelling out letters.

Young children do,take time to,walk etc, but your sil seems to,have deliberately extended the walk unnecessarily.

TheNoseyProject · 14/07/2017 19:32

Well if you were driving how does leaving or not effect his wrist? The way it was written made it sound like the wrist pain and driving were linked.

Penhacked · 14/07/2017 19:41

All I will add is walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you start judging. When you become a parent, everyone suddenly thinks you and your children are public property and everyone has an opinion and how superior they are.
Did you partner have to get home to take meds? I don't really get how an hour was here or there for the pain if he had his pain killers with him. He can't have been driving back right?

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 14/07/2017 19:47

The first part of your post was completely irrelevant and judgmental, you don't have any idea of what goes on in their day-to-day life.

The whole "shocked" Hmm thing is way over the top and I don't see why you desperately needed to leave. He's a child, you're the adults.

Original poster
lesarbres · 14/07/2017 20:24

Why does it matter why we needed to go? The fact is, we did. It was evening and we were very clear about when we needed to leave from the start. We'd spent almost an entire day with DN and he was the focus at all times. We brought gifts and played with him. We had a four hour round trip.

Her family has been worried about his development so I was concerned by her comments about not attending a doctor's appointment. But I guess being childless (which is not by choice, for all anybody here knows) doesn't give me the right to be concerned about family. Hmm

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner1 · 14/07/2017 20:45

OP my DH and I have 8 children between us. 6 of whom live with us. I think I am 'allowed' to comment.. and still believe your SIL was incredibly rude. Making a 'point' about sticking to his regime whilst guests have already stated that they have to leave (for whatever reason) is incredibly precious entitled parenting and will not teach your DN to consider others needs. You were definitely NBU .

Gemini69 · 14/07/2017 20:48

kittensinmydinner1 I absolutely agree with everything you have said xx

Eastie77 · 14/07/2017 20:52

Your DH should have told his sister he needed her keys so he could go to her house and collect your stuff because she was taking too long, he was ill/injured and needed to hit the road. They are siblings so he can get away with being blunt. I would not have had the patience to follow them around for an hour in the park with a broken wrist. The whole incident sounds a bit mad.

YANBU but I don't think you should have commented on your nephew's speech.

Sushi123 · 14/07/2017 20:55

Maybe she just needed the company and was trying to drag the visit out for as long as possible.. it's hard to entertain a toddler all day, and having other people around helps.
As for his developmental milestones, my DN didn't talk til he was 3, hasn't stopped since!

Penhacked · 14/07/2017 20:55

Are you one of those parents who tries to teach an 2 year old 'sharing' by grabbing her toy off her and giving it some other kid in the park, and then snatching a toy away if they touch someone else's toy? All in the name of teaching social norms.

Op, I suggest you don't visit again if it is such an effort to make it all about your toddler nephew for the day. You hardly sound like indulgent aunties and uncles.

Gemini69 · 14/07/2017 20:57

Penhecked... that was rude and you know it... no need for that final comment .. very unfair

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2017 20:58

Well if you were driving how does leaving or not effect his wrist? The way it was written made it sound like the wrist pain and driving were linked

To be honest, that's what I thought too. It would possibly just have been easier to say you needed to leave. It did read that you had to leave as he had to drive and he had a sore wrist. I'm also not sure how having to get back would help his wrist, other than if he had left his painkillers at home. It all seems irrelevant really as you then pointed out.

The main point is you wished to leave, she wasn't willing to change her routine, and by not doing so you felt open mouthed in shock.

I think you're being unreasonable as your last line is this isn't a good way to be round kids, and I think id trust her to make that decision. Being judgey about her parenting skills, isn't very nice and I think your whole post is about negatively judging her parenting skills, when in reality she seemed to be prioritising her child.

VoodooChimp · 14/07/2017 21:00

I think your SIL has a bad case of PFB

mimiholls · 14/07/2017 21:03

It's not abnormal at all for a child not to be talking at 2. It would really annoy me to have family members trying to make me feel like there was something wrong with him. The letter sounds like the developlental review with a health visitor- they're not compulsory, and it's pretty normal for a child not to be able to do many things on the questionnaire.
I don't know what you're so worked up about. You should have just said you need to leave now and will have to take keys to pick up stuff if you needed to leave that badly. I agree with others that you shouldn't judge til you've walked a mile in her shoes and you sound like you don't have a clue frankly.

EpoxyResin · 14/07/2017 21:06

I'm another one who thinks she was probably pissed off you didn't want to stay longer. Your husband's wrist was sore and you had to drive for two hours? That's no time at all, and if you're at the park with a two year old it's late afternoon at the latest. Are you sure SIL's the precious one?

Honestly, I'd hazard a guess you either don't see them often or when you do you don't seem all that interested in your nephew. If i were SIL and that were the case I might make some passive aggressive show of how nice my kid was to be around, or maybe I'd think "screw you rocking up like this and expecting me to cut my kid's enjoyment short; you'd think you'd be bloody pleased to spend a bit of time with him!". Or maybe it's something else... Did you get the impression at any point you guys had upset her or pissed her off??

I suspect there's something we're all missing here, but perhaps you've missed it too OP, I don't know.

witsender · 14/07/2017 21:09

The car thing is odd, but maybe she rightly felt judged by you both. The rest, I see nothing really wrong with. It sounds like you both got her back up and she suggested her heels in. Either she is unconcerned about his development or she is helping him with letters etc...she can't win with you can she! Tbh, I would probably have done the same with regards the appt, they are tick box exercises and achieve very little. Whether the rest of your family are concerned is of little concern really.

A 2 hr drive isn't long, and I'm not sure what a broken wrist has to do with anything?

witsender · 14/07/2017 21:10

And there is nothing unusual about not speaking at 2.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 14/07/2017 21:22

Perhaps you are concerned about "SIL's child" but it doesn't come across that way in your post. You just come across as judgmental of her.