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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want a baby...

117 replies

KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 07:01

...and I've known this since we first met. It's something I accepted and thought I had come to terms with, my love for him was stronger than my desire for another baby (I have 2 older DCs, from a previous relationship, he has no biological children)
Logically, another baby isn't a great idea. We could afford it, but would have to give up other things that we like doing/having. And we don't currently have the space where we live. So I know that we shouldn't for those reasons alone. Add to that the fact that DH is 43 (12 years older than me) and doesn't want to be raising a teen in his 60's!
I've accepted it won't happen, and I know that it shouldn't happen, but the broodiness won't go away! Lots of my friends are having babies now, and I just can't switch off that feeling. I tell myself it's hormonal, I'm 31 now and probably coming to the end of my child bearing Years. But is that a thing? AIBU to think (and hope) that that feeling just goes away at some point??

OP posts:
Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 14/07/2017 07:16

It will if you stop putting it down to broodiness. You already have two. The world is overpopulated. Stop being selfish.

And having a baby with a dad who doesn't even want it is incredibly selfish. I know a few women whose husbands have said ok if they're prepared to do all the work and it doesn't go well for the kids. And then the women complain too that their DHs didn't miraculously change.

Raise the kids you already have. Raise them well and you might get to be a doting grandma one day.

Confused009 · 14/07/2017 07:24

And 31 is not the end of child bearing years! Sorry for your situation but please don't post medically inaccurate statements that might upset other readers!

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 14/07/2017 07:25

Its not your age, biologically you're nowhere near too old for children, youborob just fancy another! Many women I know have felt this way, as their other DC start to get independent (and less cuddly!). It doesn't necessarily make it a good idea (and it would likely not be how you imagine it, try to remember the hard times when you had your other DCs as babies, not just the good bits, then imagine fitting that in with your current lifestyle and commitments!). If you're a bit bored finding more things to do that you find rewarding/fulfilling may help.
Harsh as it sounds, it'd be unreasonable to expect DH to change his mind when you knew his views at the start.

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 14/07/2017 07:27

Not sure how autocorrect got 'youborob' from 'you' there!

Cocklodger · 14/07/2017 07:27

31 isn't the end of your childbearing years...
you've likely got another decade in you yet!
My nana had her last child at 47. An old neighbour of mine (naturally) had a child at 50. While I wouldn't recommend planning to have a family around this time it certainly isn't the end of your childbearing years.
I don't think wanting more kids is selfish.

You could re-evaluate your feelings. You have time yet to have a child - as a single mum with a sperm donor or meet another man.
You've got to work out what you want more, your relationship or another child.
Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear,
Flowers

Original poster
KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 07:29

Could you point out where in my OP I said I was going to go ahead and have one anyway? Or explain what is selfish about having feelings?

I know that it's not a good idea, and I have no intention of trying to persuade DH otherwise. My question was AIBU to hope the feeling goes away? Perhaps I should have said to expect that one day it will go away. I was hoping to hear from posters who have been in the same situation as I am now, to tell me that in their experience it does or doesn't go away. I'm not selfish, and we are raising the kids we already have, but thanks for the tip!

OP posts:
BlahBlahBlahEtc · 14/07/2017 07:31

I'd say more 41 is getting towards the end of childbearing years tbh but even still, I know a woman that concieved naturally at 46.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/07/2017 07:33

You already have two, and you are a mother, he doesn't want any. And you've known this from day one.

. It isn't as though he has stopped you being a parent.

I think you need to respect his wishes. Although I know the broodiness is hard to deal with.

Original poster
KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 07:37

That rant above was directed at the first reply, not to subsequent ones.

My relationship with DH is far more important to me than having another baby, and I definitely wouldn't jeopardise that. I had my DCs very young, and their father was a horrible man. We suffered years of abuse from him and I think I probably feel like I missed out on having a loving relationship with that father of my children. DH would make a wonderful dad, and part of me feels sad that he won't ever experience those lovely first years. He came into our lives at a very difficult time and the DCs found it hard to adjust to having him around to begin with. His experience of raising children is limited to 2 fairly stroppy, older DC and admittedly they love him now, but the first years were difficult.

I'll make it clear again, because I don't think my OP has put across what I really mean. I have no intention of having more children, I know in my head it's an awful idea and would t be fair on DH. I think maybe I just want advice on how to stop feeling like I want another one, despite all the reasons against the idea.

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 14/07/2017 07:38

Am I a geriatric mother at 33 then (currently expecting our first) ??
I don't know the answer for you OP but I certainly would never have a child with someone who didn't really want one. It absolutely has to be a joint decision.

Original poster
KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 07:40

And yes, I accept that 31 isn't the end of my child bearing years, but again I don't think I put my real meaning across. I had DD when I was 20, so when I think about the time frame in which I'd be happy to have another, my upper limit is 35. Not because I wouldn't be able to conceive again, but because I would have 2 teenage children at that point and wouldn't then want to go back to the begininning again.

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 14/07/2017 07:40

Apologies OP - didn't read your last post! That'll teach me to jump in too soon Smile

londonrach · 14/07/2017 07:41

Wow, my dd (first) born when i was 41. 31 is young and tbh apart from one person who fell pregnant aged 18 no one had babies at 31. You have years a head for babies. However thats not the issue. Would you be able with just the two you have

BzyB · 14/07/2017 07:43

I think broodiness is normal. I wanted 3, I have 3, it's unwise for me to have more (medically speaking) and I genuinely feel I don't want more either.

Yet, when I see a new squishy baby I get a pang!

Is the broodiness overwhelming for you?

Maybe this will sound a bit....I dunno the word.... like I'm making light?! of your feelings?
But what about finding yourself a new, empowering, exciting longish term project? Something else to focus on?

Career advancement? A big holiday? Saving for an early retirement so you and dp can travel etc.

And hope you'll be a gran some day so you get all the good snuggly bits and you can send them back when they are upset and teething etc!

Ledkr · 14/07/2017 07:45

Some not very useful responses in here.
Why do grown women feel the need to "tick off" other grown women when all they want to do is share and discuss an issue.?
Op you seem as if you have accepted it's not on the cards for you but I do sympathise with how you feel and I have five! (Very selfish)
I'm older now and wouldn't want anymore but it doesn't stop me occasionally feeling sad that those lovely times are over for me.

Original poster
KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 07:45

BzyB that's exactly how I feel. I think my judgement is skewed as well because I had 2 incredibly easy babies (although both terrible pregnancies and Labours!) so all my memories of the early years are of lovely squishy, content little beauts. I know that's not reality, and I could have a third baby who never slept!

I wouldn't say it's overwhelming, but it does hit me occasionally when I'm not expecting it.

OP posts:
Original poster
KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 07:48

Ledkr it is a sadness I feel, more than anything I think. DH is a wonderful step parent to the DCs, and I couldn't ask for anything more than that. But it doesn't stop me imagining having children with him, because I know he would be amazing.

OP posts:
Grenoble124 · 14/07/2017 07:48

Please do not say OP as another decade. Fertility sharply declines after 35 and 20s is when women are most fertile.
A baby at 40 is possible but a lot harder. And I speak as somebody who had a baby using an egg donor at 37.

CashelGirl · 14/07/2017 07:51

I think it is normal to feel broody and to want to make a baby with the person you love. It is how you manage those feelings and not let them overwhelm the lovely life that you do have. Ii guess it is like imagining what it would be like to win the lottery, or to win an Oscar - nice to daydream about but not worth making yourself mserable about it not really happening.

FirsttimemumJan18 · 14/07/2017 07:53

Mangomay I know lots of women through discussions groups that still have the urge and want for more children, despite having kids from previous relationships etc. I certainly don't think you're selfish for feeling the way you do, at least you are being honest.

One of my sisters had two kids young and at aged 38 was pregnant again with her awesome new partner (15 years her senior) and have gone on to have another son. Yes he is older but by his own admission he has more time and more patience with his second younger family (also has kids from a previous relationship).

But this was a joint decision where they BOTH wanted more kids. It's obvious you love your husband very much and respect that he doesn't any children of his own which he'll have reason for. I've never been in your situation so don't know how it feels.

But I guess that urge may go away in time. Does hubby know how you feel? x

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/07/2017 07:59

im 31 now and probably coming to the end of my child bearing years

Ummm, no, statements like that should be challenged.

Op, I feel for you but it sounds like you, dh and the dc have a good harmonious life now. If you feel he won't change his mind, then try and embrace that- maybe look for career change...

bushtailadventures · 14/07/2017 08:00

I'm a 46 yr old mother of 4 adult dc, and a grandmother to boot..but I still get broody! It's not as bad as it used to be, and only really happens when I see squishy newborns now, but it is still there.

Thats probably not what you want to hear, OP, sorry, but you do learn to get over it and remind yourself of all the bad bits, which helps a bit Smile

cluelessnewmum · 14/07/2017 08:08

I agree op, you're not being selfish for wanting another kid, there are plenty out there with 3+ kids.

I think it is a difficult one to answer as when this sort if thing is usually discussed it's usually a woman 10 years older who actually is getting to the end of their child bearing years and there with the original father of their children (so it's about whether the dh will have more, not any at all).

I think what you need to decide is do you crave another dc because you're surrounded by your friends having babies or because you have a more deep-seated feeling that your life wouldn't be complete without another?

I say that as someone who has strong feelings about having 3 (anyone's welcome to come and call me selfish) for reasons not relevant here. But it would have been a deal breaker for me if dh only wanted one or two dc.

By the way I'm pregnant with dc2 at 35, dh is 40. So he'll be around 42 when we (God willing) have dc3. Alot of his same age friends have either only just got married or haven't married yet so will be having kids in their early 40s. I'm not sure where you live but in London I would say first time fathers in their 40s is the norm!

But obviously your dh has his reasons for not wanting kids and has never mislead you on that, he probably married you as he thought you'd be happy with the dc you have.

It sounds like you'd prefer to stay with dh rather than find another way of having another dc, so I suppose you just need to appreciate the life stage you're at now - book holidays you couldn't go on with a baby, make the most of the free time you have because there's not another one around etc. Good luck.

Original poster
KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 08:09

DH knows how I feel, he sees me get all misty eyed when I talk about the baby Years and part of him feels guilty that it's not something he wants. But I'm grateful that he is as strong in his convictions as he is, because otherwise he might be swayed to have another baby when it's not a great idea. I'll just hold tight for the grandma years. My nephews are all in their late teens/early twenties now so maybe my great aunt years aren't that far off!

OP posts:
user1497435493 · 14/07/2017 08:12

Like a previous poster on this thread, I also disagree the OP has another decade!

Saying 31 is nearing the end of the childbearing years was probably bad wording from the OP, but 31 is hurtling towards the age where you need to start worrying a bit, as female fertility starts to decline around that age. And it starts to decline rapidly at 35.

This 'you can have babies in your 40's so don't worry' line that people are peddling really worries me. Women should NOT be encouraged to wait til 40, and should certainly not wait til their 40's to start TTC! That is MUCH worse advice than saying '31 is nearing the end of my fertile years!' 'Oh don't worry, I know someone who had 3 babies in their 40's!' should be challenged much more than someone saying 31 is coming towards the end of my child bearing years!!!'

And the OP is not being selfish for wanting a third child FFS. Hmm Why do people have to be so nasty? Having a baby against her husband's wishes is not the best idea of course, but quit bashing the OP purely for craving a third child!

I'd say more 41 is getting towards the end of childbearing years tbh but even still, I know a woman that conceived naturally at 46.

Shock OMG no! 46! No way! For so many reasons! Anything over 42-43 is just a big 'no way.' Even 42-43 is pushing it! I am fully aware that some people will be offended by that, but I don't think becoming a parent past mid 40's is a good idea at all. Like I said, for many reasons.