Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want a baby...

117 replies

KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 07:01

...and I've known this since we first met. It's something I accepted and thought I had come to terms with, my love for him was stronger than my desire for another baby (I have 2 older DCs, from a previous relationship, he has no biological children)
Logically, another baby isn't a great idea. We could afford it, but would have to give up other things that we like doing/having. And we don't currently have the space where we live. So I know that we shouldn't for those reasons alone. Add to that the fact that DH is 43 (12 years older than me) and doesn't want to be raising a teen in his 60's!
I've accepted it won't happen, and I know that it shouldn't happen, but the broodiness won't go away! Lots of my friends are having babies now, and I just can't switch off that feeling. I tell myself it's hormonal, I'm 31 now and probably coming to the end of my child bearing Years. But is that a thing? AIBU to think (and hope) that that feeling just goes away at some point??

OP posts:
histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/07/2017 08:15

Is 31 coming to the end of the childbearing years?

No it is not.

WizardOfToss · 14/07/2017 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 14/07/2017 08:21

31 the end of childbearing years?!!

I find that s but offensive OP, as might other women. I'm 31 and circumstances/finances have meant I've not been in a position to have children yet (and won't for another year or two) please don't spout rubbish that might upset others.

TheQuestingVole · 14/07/2017 08:22

Bloody hell OP I am in my mid 30s and it is upsetting enough being single and childless without having people like you casually peddling fertility myths

feelingblue123 · 14/07/2017 08:24

I'm in a similar situation but a little reversed. I'm 33, DP is 43, he has two teenagers from previous marriage, I don't have any children. He said he didn't want anymore when we got together and I reluctantly agreed ok. We had a contraception fail in Jan, so I took the MAP which also failed. Had a termination booked at 22 wks but bottled it.

Pregnancy has been tough knowing its not what he wants. He's being supportive-ish, but hes not great with his own kids in terms of feeding them and organising all the stuff you need to... I sometimes feel like This baby is going to destroy our relationship. I've been incredibly depressed throughout my pregnancy.

Hope this offers some insight Flowers

Anditstartsagain · 14/07/2017 08:26

OP I know what you mean about coming to the end of your childbearing years i've been parenting since I was 20 I felt that I needed to be done having babies by 30 so when my kids are older we can do things they like then once the are adults I can do things I've waited to do.

Sometimes I think I would like another but I know that it's not a great idea so i've made other plans to concentrate on. My babies don't like sleep so it's easy for me to look back and think hell no.

GnomeDePlume · 14/07/2017 08:28

YANBU to have these feelings. But rather than hope that they go away on their own have you considered exploring some things which would help these feelings to not become intrusive on your happiness?

Why not have a look to see if there are any mindfulness courses in your area?

Lostwithinthehills · 14/07/2017 08:28

I only have one DC, I desperately wanted more but I couldn't have more, so from my position you are very fortunate to have two children.

As brutal as it sounds you entered into your relationship knowing your dh did not want children and your relationship is more important to you than having another child (nothing wrong with that) so you're just going to have to get over your broodiness. Ignore it, distract yourself from it, count your blessings.

Original poster
KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 08:29

Scientifically, the best age for childbearing is 20-35. I'm not peddling myths, I've not said it's impossible to conceive after this. If you RTFT you'll see that 35 is the upper age limit i have set myself. At that point I would have a 15 and a 13 year old and I wouldn't want to then start again.

OP posts:
user1497435493 · 14/07/2017 08:29

Is 31 coming to the end of the childbearing years?
No it is not.

No it's NOT. And I never said it was.

But it IS an age where your fertility starts to decline. And at 35 it starts to decline rapidly.

Please stop peddling myths that it's just fine to wait til your 40's to have a baby.

As I said, that is much worse advice than someone saying '31 is coming to the end of my fertile years.' Better to say that than to tell people they can wait til they're 40! Shock

GrumbleBumble · 14/07/2017 08:33

I would love another child, so would my husband. We are fertility issues so can't have another ( we have an IVF conceived six year old). At 43 I am conming to the end of my childbearing years. I often yearn for another child and hold out hope for a miracle but most of the time I count my blessing and get on with life. I'm sad that my son will never get to be a big brother but I'm happy to have him in my life. You chose to pursue a relationship with a man who doesn't want kids, you are already blessed with children many couples don't get that choice. The desire for another child doesn't kill you but it could ruin your relationship if you let it.

WineAndTiramisu · 14/07/2017 08:35

Bloody hell OP I am in my mid 30s and it is upsetting enough being single and childless without having people like you casually peddling fertility myths

It's not a myth. Fertility decreases a lot from 35, it's a proven fact. (Although I'm trying for dc1 at 33). It's not helpful to persuade people that 40 is fine to have children, because for a large number of people, this will be wrong.

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 14/07/2017 08:36

The age thing was a v minor part of what the OP asked, and she's since explained it was a personal limitation rather than intended as a statement about human biology.
Maybe start a separate thread to debate what age is too old, for whatever reason, if several posters want to talk about that?

PuckeredAhole · 14/07/2017 08:38

Just because some people are finding OP's comment about 31 getting towards the end of her fertile days offensive doesn't mean it's not true. Why do we have to bend fact to accommodate people's life choices??

Saying that, I had my first at 29 and second at 32. I don't want anymore for many reasons. One of which is I think having a 3rd at 35/35 would be pushing my luck a bit! I don't want to have teenagers in my 60s either!!

PuckeredAhole · 14/07/2017 08:39

34/35

scaevola · 14/07/2017 08:40

OP has explained that 31 represents the drawing to a close of the timeframe within which she and she alone wanted to produce children, and that she didn't mean it biologically. Does the biology really need to be pointed out over and over again even though she's accepted the point?

mangomay I think broodiness can hit at all sorts of random times. It happened from time to time, and I remember most clearly in the run up to 40 (which was my mental cut off for being too old) and again a bit later (when I was entering the perimenopause and DH was booked for the snip (when it was probably biologically too late). Nor since then.

I don't think there's anything you can do, other than wait for it to pass. Which it will.

Oh, and do talk to your DH about it. Be very careful that it doesn't sound as if you're trying to make him change his mind. And I suggest it only because it's generally (IME) a bad idea to keep your emotional preoccupations away from your DH.

missmove38 · 14/07/2017 08:40

Op I know where you're coming from. I had both my children at 17 & 18..awful relationship at the time that I got out of but struggled on my own big time. Part of me wants another child so o can do it 'right' part of me wants to have one brought up with a 'father' but tbh I'm older than you and feel it will never happen.
I think if your husband isn't keen it's a bad move..you have 2 and probably a bit more of a life now so just enjoy x

Original poster
KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 08:43

I think it's far more unhelpful to suggest that women can wait until their forties to try and conceive. Our bodies are primed for conceiving/birthing/raising children in that 20-35 time frame and while it's not impossible to do it outside of that, it's also not a given. But anyway, now the thread has been mostly derailed by unhelpful comments about what a terrible person I am for a) wanting another baby b) allegedly not being grateful for the children I have and c) peddling 'fertility myths', I'm going to work!

Sorry if I've offended anyone, although I fail to see what is offensive about anything I've said!

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 14/07/2017 08:43

Can't believe people are jumping on the OP for pointing out that her child bearing years will soon be over. She has given herself 4 years which is not a lot of time. It is also a sensible and practical decision given the risks of certain disorders and miscarriage rises after 35.

Be offended all you want, it doesn't change the facts. Once you're out of your twenties conceiving, pregnancy and childbirth all get harder with every year that passes by.

Original poster
KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 08:45

And thank you to the posters who have offered helpful advice on how to cope with 'the feelings'. I think I need distraction, work isn't very fulfilling at the moment and perhaps a career change isn't a bad idea. Or a puppy....

OP posts:
UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 14/07/2017 08:52

I feel this is a case of something being more attractive because you know you can't have it.

The fantasy of having another baby would be different from the reality...

Unwilling/possibly resentful husband
Going back to square one re childcare/nappies/night waking etc
Possible jealousy/issues from your first DC
Lack of space at home
Etc etc

I can't answer your question of will the longing go away, but I'm not sure it's worth risking your current situation for another baby. Easy for me to say I know.

Berrybakecake1 · 14/07/2017 08:58

I completely understand where your coming from OP.
Although my DP would love more kids.
We had DS when we were 20 and DD at 31.
I'm 33 now and although I don't want any more children (I have very high risk horrible pregnancies and 2 emcs plus mild pnd) I feel very melancholy about it. I'm broody all the time and I know I have many many years left to have more babies but I just cannot put my body through all that trauma again. Plus there are things and stuff I want to get on and do and I don't want to put that on hold anymore.
Not sure if any of that helps but I just wanted to say I understand the desire to have more but I want to be busy in other life aspects not bringing up more children.
[flowers?

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/07/2017 08:59

Most people understand that there is a massive, massive area between:

Boo hoo, I'm nearly at the end of my child-bearing years (at 31!) and
Go-girl, having a baby at 47 is ideal!

I don't see why we should pretend otherwise.

Berrybakecake1 · 14/07/2017 08:59

Oops that was meant to be flowers Flowers

ChestnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 14/07/2017 09:04

Why doesn't he want any of his own op? It's interesting that someone would be ok with being a step parent but not want their own child.