Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

DH doesn't want a baby...

117 replies

KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 07:01

...and I've known this since we first met. It's something I accepted and thought I had come to terms with, my love for him was stronger than my desire for another baby (I have 2 older DCs, from a previous relationship, he has no biological children)
Logically, another baby isn't a great idea. We could afford it, but would have to give up other things that we like doing/having. And we don't currently have the space where we live. So I know that we shouldn't for those reasons alone. Add to that the fact that DH is 43 (12 years older than me) and doesn't want to be raising a teen in his 60's!
I've accepted it won't happen, and I know that it shouldn't happen, but the broodiness won't go away! Lots of my friends are having babies now, and I just can't switch off that feeling. I tell myself it's hormonal, I'm 31 now and probably coming to the end of my child bearing Years. But is that a thing? AIBU to think (and hope) that that feeling just goes away at some point??

OP posts:

japonicaleaf · 14/07/2017 14:24

I can't even begin to explain the despair I feel at @cardinalcats posts on page 4.

I hope to God that people don't take any of this seriously, I really really do.

I don't give a flying arse how more women are having babies in their 40's than ever before (supposedly!) No way in HELL can anyone convince me with all these 'all new random facts,' about how it's great to wait til 40 to have your first baby, and women are sprightly little chickens at 80 these days you know,' I am NOT buying it. Trying to convince the Op, and anyone else that it's FINE to leaveit and leave it because LOOOOOOADS of women have babies in thier 40's now ya know and 40 is the new 21 and all that bollocks is just terrifyingly dangerous and destructive advice!

Fertility starts to decline RAPIDLY at 35. That. Is. A. Fact.

Stop saying it isn't.

FFS!

japonicaleaf · 14/07/2017 14:24

I can't even begin to explain the despair I feel at @cardinalcats posts on page 4.

I hope to God that people don't take any of this seriously, I really really do.

Fertility starts to decline RAPIDLY at 35. That. Is. A. Fact.

Stop saying it isn't.

FFS!

DixieFlatline · 14/07/2017 14:55

I'm guessing I'm not the only one that finds

'That. Is. A. Fact. Stop saying it isn't.'

somewhat unconvincing.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/07/2017 15:01

Trying to convince the Op, and anyone else that it's FINE to leaveit and leave it because LOOOOOOADS of women have babies in thier 40's now ya know and 40 is the new 21 and all that bollocks is just terrifyingly dangerous and destructive advice!

Who said that? Where? Where did posters say that?

Just because that would be a stupid thing to say doesn't mean: We all know one or two women that conceive in their late 30s / early 40s, but they are the exception not the rule. is any less stupid. It doesn't mean: I'm nearly the end of my childbearing years (at 31) is any more true.

MummysMaison · 14/07/2017 15:16

I could have wrote this a year ago. Always known DH didn't want any children, he had a vasectomy before I met him. Took me 3 years to really get over it and accept it. In February this year out of the blue he told me he had changed his mind and has just had a vasectomy reversal. Obviously it might not work but it's a start. Never give up.

CardinalCat · 14/07/2017 15:30

japonica, we'll have to disagree. I'll stick to taking my facts from recent, valid, and nationally recognised sources, and you can stick to reading Take a Break.

SleepFreeZone · 14/07/2017 18:37

japonica I think you're beating your drum on the wrong thread. Why not go to Conception and harass some ladies over there.

Original poster

KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 21:21

Mummy what worries me a little is if I finally come to terms with it, get to 35-40 and then DH decides actually he does want one after all. It's highly unlikely, but I'd be mighty pissed off!

OP posts:

AngeloMysterioso · 14/07/2017 21:35

Jesus, and here's me at 31 thinking I still had plenty of time to start a family...

Original poster

KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 21:37

Angelo if that's what you want to do, then there's nothing wrong with that. But I don't want to have anymore children after the age of 35, that's my personal choice and that should be respected as much as I respect other women's right to start a family later in life.

OP posts:

PumpkinSpiceEverything · 14/07/2017 21:51

Maybe getting a pet would help the maternal craving?

Enidblyton1 · 14/07/2017 22:04

I would be worried about the impact on your other DC of a new, much younger child. Everything might be fine (as a previous poster said about her situation) or it might be difficult. One of my friends still resents the fact that his parents had another baby when he was 12. It upset the family dynamic - he feels he missed out on holidays and activities as a teenager because his parents were still in 'baby mode'
Obviously depends on your other children and how your lives change with a new baby. But I would be concerned you could upset what is currently a great dynamic.
I don't mean this flippantly, but how about a puppy or taking up a new hobby? Or travelling to amazing destinations with your DC? (with all the money you'd 'save' rather than spending on a new baby).

Dowser · 14/07/2017 22:54

I sometimes feel a bit broody and I'm 65 .
Isn't it something that rears its ugly head and then you just get on with life.

feelingblue123 · 15/07/2017 20:17

I have a whippet. They are super good baby replacements.... really funny and so, so affectionate. Food mad so trainable. Don't grow too big and dont smell minging as they are short haired and love to clean themselves.

whippetwoman · 15/07/2017 20:31

I also have a whippet!

InvisableLobstee · 15/07/2017 20:39

I think how you feel about running after teens in your 60s very much depends on how much you like kids. I saw a documentary once about an older couple who fostered children and they were amazing and loved their work with the kids. Plenty of people are very involved parents and grandparents or work with kids at that age.

In the OP case I think age is a bit of a side issue to the fact her Dh doesn't want more kids. He has the right to say no, but OP don't buy into the idea it will be better for the family unless you truly think that too.
I know you say he knows how you feel but have you really told him or are you sparing his feelings? I'd tell him exactly how you feel. Don't try to guilt him into it, say you respect his feelings but he's supposed to be your life partner and if he is vetoing something very important to you then he needs to know how it affects you. Maybe he won't change his mind but it might make him more understanding of you.

Original poster

KentMum2008 · 16/07/2017 09:29

When DH and I first met, he was very anti marriage. He said he didn't see the point of it and I put forward my logical, reasoned arguments of why it was important to me and also from a legal perspective why it made sense for a couple living together, especially where there are children involved. But we didn't talk about it much again after that. 18 months later he proposed and we married 6 months after that. So it's not that he's a stubborn old boot and has 'put his foot down' if that makes sense. He has certain ideas and beliefs, but if someone presents him with evidence as to challenge them, he's more than capable of admitting he's wrong and changing his standpoint.
The baby thing is the opposite, I have made it clear that I'd love another and desperately want him to experience it, but he has put forward his very logical argument as to why it's a bad idea. He is self employed and could comfortably retire at 60, maybe younger the way things are going. I'd only be 48 (DCs would be 28 and 26) so we'd have plenty of time to do all the things we can't do now because the DCs are still young. We want to move to the seaside and buy a little fixer-upper to live the rest of our days in, and go on lots of holidays and if we had another baby now, we'd have to put all of that on hold for another 5-10 years. So his argument is the logical one, and I have to concede. He knows how I feel and I know he feels guilty, but I don't want him to feel like that. I feel guilty that he feels guilty!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5