DH doesn't want a baby...

[KentMum2008]

...and I've known this since we first met. It's something I accepted and thought I had come to terms with, my love for him was stronger than my desire for another baby (I have 2 older DCs, from a previous relationship, he has no biological children)
Logically, another baby isn't a great idea. We could afford it, but would have to give up other things that we like doing/having. And we don't currently have the space where we live. So I know that we shouldn't for those reasons alone. Add to that the fact that DH is 43 (12 years older than me) and doesn't want to be raising a teen in his 60's!
I've accepted it won't happen, and I know that it shouldn't happen, but the broodiness won't go away! Lots of my friends are having babies now, and I just can't switch off that feeling. I tell myself it's hormonal, I'm 31 now and probably coming to the end of my child bearing Years. But is that a thing? AIBU to think (and hope) that that feeling just goes away at some point??

Bloody hell, I just can't believe how nasty some of you are on here. That first post is awful.

. I understand that broody feeling OP, I don't know how you make it go away.

The idea of a dramatic fertility decline at 35 IS a myth - they talked about it on the Radio 4 programme More or Less. It's based on extremely selective data - makes for an interesting listen! It might still be on iplayer but it was quite a while ago.

OP, it's natural to feel you want another. You're not being selfish, it's what you feel. Ignore censorious posters. Be kind to yourself and I hope you find a solution and don't feel too sad. BTW, mine are 15, 13 and 5. They adore the 5yo and I pay my 15yo to babysit. Works well and no rivalry/jealousy as they are at different stages. I had the 5yo at 40.

I had twins via IVF just before my 43 rd birthday. We'd had a lot of fertility treatment but it was our first IVF. I knew we were lucky. I remember my GP asking if I would have anymore and I was 'now way' but obese I had them. once I saw how amazing DH was with them I would have had another two straight away.

I was stunned by that wave of longing to have another one but my DH was adamant that were not going through IVF again. I think it's hard when everyone around you are having babies and talking newborns. Maybe while you are feeling like this perhaps you can do grown up things ie nights out, trips out things that are difficult with babies and toddlers.

I think the reasons you have given ie a.new man you are happy with, your previous relationship it's natural to.want to create a loving family. I think you are realistic about your situation but it doesn't stop that knot of mourning in your stomach. Enjoy your family, your new life and try happy with what you have not what could have been.

But after I had them, I am not obese

Sorry if I've offended anyone, although I fail to see what is offensive about anything I've said!

There's nothing wrong about what you've said, and you shouldn't have to apologise for people choosing to be offended. Most women have approximately 15 years of prime fertility between mid teens and early 30s, after which it does start to decline. So what you've written isn't far off the mark.

We all know one or two women that conceive in their late 30s / early 40s, but they are the exception not the rule. If you ask any fertility expert, they'll tell you that, for most women, fertility decline accelerates rapidly from mid 30s onwards. Your natural biology doesn't give a shit about causing offence.

My Mum married my Stepfather when she was 31, he was 44, my db was 8 and I was 6. Stepdad had never been married before and didn't want to have any children of his own. In hindsight, I'm quite glad that we had the family setup that we did. There were never any divided loyalties, we were 'his children' and now that he's very elderly at 86, I feel complete responsibility for ensuring that he's comfortable in his later years. I really can't imagine sharing that dynamic with a sibling who was his biologically.

Sometimes I get broody for a third and then I remember how horrific it would be to be subjected to another 4 years of peppa the bastard pig.

Sorry I've not read whole post OP, but I think it's a shame you seem to have had a few negative comments. You are right that u can't help your feelings, and I understand your need to want to know if others have had similar feelings of wanting another (but knowing they can't really have one for whatever reason).

I desperately desperately would love another baby. I have always wanted three and since birth of my gorgeous ds2 I have longed for the third. I even have names! But I know we can't have another child as we can't afford it and DH doesn't want one, so it won't happen. But I have been brooody since DS 2 was little (he's now nearly 4) and can't see this feeling going away. I can't bring myself to sell the cot, prom etc ... it's just gathering dust! The broodiness gets less sometimes, but i just feel my family isn't complete yet. I'm older than you, and maybe once I hit menopause the feelings will go(?) who knows. But the hole in my heart and the missing piece is very present. I wonder if some woman just feel more broody and a stronger pull for babies than others? The wierd thing is I just know in my heart the feeling would go if I had a third. I'd feel complete. And what is sad is that if we suddenly won lots of money, we would have the third one and DH would be happy with it. It doesn't feel right that money should rule the heart in this way :(

Anyway, I'm with you OP, but you have youth on your side, and who knows, maybe one day you will have another

You're getting some harsh replies here OP.

No you're not BU to want or yearn for another considering what you went through with your ex. I too would like another but my fiancée doesn't, he already has one from a previous relationship and simply doesn't have the time or headspace for another. We can't really afford it and it would really affect our further plans such as careers and buying a house etc. I had PND and didn't adapt well to being a Mum initially and that was with my fiancée being fantastically involved Dad from the start.

My fiancée is getting a vasectomy in the autumn when our son will be 1. Even though I fully respect and support his decision to do so, after all it is his body and reproductive system, I can't help but hope that he'll delay it sometimes. But part of me yearns to become a mum again and use what I've learnt to not of wasted my time being so anxious and worried about all the tiny things that were so unnecessary. I blocked out a lot of my sons first months as I was so traumatised from a difficult pregnancy and dramatic birth. Now I know I didn't need as if all works out in the end.

I suspect you're like me in that your relationship is more important than the desire, and that you'd never put your husband under pressure, but still just have that underlying broodiness.

I had 3 children in my 20's & 1 in my mid 30's, no problem at all. But hit 40 & that was it. 2 miscarriages, one at 41 & the other at 42. It's really not a good idea to wait, because nature can be cruel.

The op made it quite clear she wasn't planning to have another dc.
She posted for empathy.

Sounds like everything is great at the moment, 2 kids already, great step dad, you are still young so could concentrate on your career at bit. A baby may ruin the dynamic you have in your family, it would also take your time away from your current kids.

I am broody too though and 10 years older than you!!! No chance of persuading my husband, no room and not enough money!

We all know one or two women that conceive in their late 30s / early 40s, but they are the exception not the rule.

Nearly a quarter of births in this country are to women over 35. How on earth someone could write 'they are the exception not the rule'? is absolutely beyond me.

I understand you OP.

I am 33, have 3 children of my own and although I am still fertile (I think) in my head I have reached the end of my child-bearing years in that I wont have any more because DH had a vasectomy. I didn't want any more at the time and 9/10 I don't want another baby, but every so often I get a twinge of 'what-if'.

You probably won't be doing your existing DC any favours by throwing a new baby into the mix.
you seem to want to make up for your previous mistakes and the poor behaviour of your first partner and "get it right" this time.
i doubt your DC will see it that way.
it sounds like they finally have some peace and you adding a new baby might shatter that.

and your DH doesn't even want one either - to top it all off.
what if he decides to separate if you get pregnant? you'll be inviting chaos back into your life again.

from that standpoint alone, i would say you would be unreasonable to have another child.

Completely understand the broodiness op - and my second dc is only 7mo! I guess it's because I really am now on the wrong side of fertility as I'll be 39 next birthday. I had my first, ds, when I was 32. In my head I always wanted two, but dh already had 2 older dc when ds arrived, he's ten years older than me and likewise didn't want to be a older dad. But as time went on and ds got older I started to become unhappy with the thought of bit having another. My family didn't feel quite complete. Dh was initially adamant - no more children. But we continued to talk and decided to see what would happen without pressure (struggled for 3 years to conceive ds so didn't have much hope). Fell pregnant with dd three months later! Dh (who is now 46) absolutely dotes on her and we certainly don't regret her. I've loved seeing the relationship between ds and dd blossom. I have my complete family and a 'pigeon pair' as they used to say. I couldn't be happier. Doesn't stop my ovaries aching every time I see a newborn, no matter what my rational brain tells me!

In short, and truthfully, I think you have unresolved feelings and are feeling a real yearning to have another child which you probably do need to try to express to your dp. I know you'd choose him over another baby (I would have done too when I wanted my second) but it can still make you unhappy. If your dp doesnt change his mind then im afraid perhaps the only time you'll get over your feelings will be when you pass the 'deadline' you've set in your own head.

By the way, most of my friends became or are becoming mothers for the first time early to mid 30s... I conceived easier than the first time and had a hassle free pregnancy and birth at 38!

I'm the same age as you and have 2. I don't get 'broody,' infact I really, really don't want any more, so not coming from the same place as you. However, I sometimes feel like I want something tiny to look after and cuddle, just 100% not a baby, haha.
Could you get a pet, use up some of your mothering instinct on that? Personally, I think you've won the jackpot by meeting a man who you love who is willing to help raise children who aren't his, so you have the best of both worlds.

I don't think there is any way of getting rid of those feelings except the passage of time. You're not wrong to want another child but I think you would be right not to try because it would be awful for your husband if he was forced to be a dad against his wishes. I find that keeping busy and interested in lots of things helps with these feelings.

I had my two kids between 37 and 40. I then carried on feeling really tearfully broody and so we tried for a third. Pretty much directly I conceived I really regretted it. I'm 42 and 9 weeks pregnant. My morning sickness is terrible, I feel ill for most of the day. My miscarriage risk is high but I'm far more scared of a multiple pregnancy at the moment than I am of it being non-viable.

My word of warning would be DO NOT LISTEN TO THE HORMONES. If you have a lovely life right now where everything is bobbing along nicely and your getting some adult time with each other, are financially stable, just really cherish that. It's worth it's weight in gold.

Thanks sleepfreezone! Hope that's helped the OP! You've definitely helped me :)

Ps. That wasn't cornfield in cheek! I genuinely think you are helping me realise what the reality of a 3rd might b x

Sorry 'tongue' not cornfield! Don't know what happened to autocorrect just then!!!

My first pregnancy was a m/c, my second resulted in DS when I was 34. I'd always wanted 2 kids but, after DS, I know I can't do it again. I can't put myself through that level of anxiety during pregnancy, through all that newborn non-sleep and crying and feeding and guilt. I did feel a huge urge for another one for about 10 months after DS was born, but it's faded. Now I'm trying to get DH to have a vasectomy! I do feel the pang every now and again and could possibly consider fostering or adopting at some future stage.

In more practical and less emotional terms, I like being able to now focus more on my career and I like having an identity that is separate from motherhood.

If you're a bit unhappy with the rest of your life, I would echo pp and suggest you could work towards making that better. Or find a fulfilling hobby of some kind. Do a course or class. Find something that makes you happy

Ppps. Hope u things work out ok for you sleepfreezone, sure they will :) (good username by the way)