DH doesn't want a baby...

[KentMum2008]

...and I've known this since we first met. It's something I accepted and thought I had come to terms with, my love for him was stronger than my desire for another baby (I have 2 older DCs, from a previous relationship, he has no biological children)
Logically, another baby isn't a great idea. We could afford it, but would have to give up other things that we like doing/having. And we don't currently have the space where we live. So I know that we shouldn't for those reasons alone. Add to that the fact that DH is 43 (12 years older than me) and doesn't want to be raising a teen in his 60's!
I've accepted it won't happen, and I know that it shouldn't happen, but the broodiness won't go away! Lots of my friends are having babies now, and I just can't switch off that feeling. I tell myself it's hormonal, I'm 31 now and probably coming to the end of my child bearing Years. But is that a thing? AIBU to think (and hope) that that feeling just goes away at some point??

I think it's totally natural to feel as you do.
I always wanted 3, but dh didn't want a third, and it wouldn't have been a good idea for lots of reasons. I'm 43 now and happy as we are.
However, I still get the occasional pang, even though I know I wouldn't want the reality of another baby, the idea still appeals on some level.
I think time, and focussing on all the things you can do that would be impossible with a baby or toddler in tow is the best way forward.

Nearly a quarter of births in this country are to women over 35. How on earth someone could write 'they are the exception not the rule'? is absolutely beyond me

Yes, but most are probably between 36 & 39.
Having a successful pregnancy in your 40's is a different matter for many women.
I'm agreeing with the op, that if she is going to have another baby she shouldn't leave it much past 35, & that the 'having a baby at 42 is easy' line is often wrong.

I know it's a cardinal sin but I can't be bothered to read all the replies whinging at your age remark. I get it, anyway. I had my first at 21 and always said 30 would be my cut off for pregnancy because I didn't want to spend my life having babies. Now I'm 31 with two and DH has been snipped. I would have liked a third but in all honesty two is my capability limit. And to be honest what I wanted more than an actual child was the experience of having a planned child, my kids were happy accidents, don't get me wrong, but I would have liked the chance to plan to have a baby and do it on purpose, if you see what I mean? Now we're at that age where everyone is having babies on purpose i do get pangs of longing but they do pass. I remind myself of all the stuff I can do now there's not a baby hanging off me. We did get a puppy, it did help for me, I luuuurve him, and I'm going to go back to college and retrain, so that is a good alternative too. It is hard, you have my sympathy. I hope you find your peace soon

Charlie

I think both me and DP are frankly horrified at what we've done. We didn't really think we'd conceive at my age as we had secondary infertility and three miscarriages under our belt. Of course now we've blimmin conceived and I am so ill we are just blinking at each other wondering what the fuck we've done. The thought of a 5 year old, a history 2 year old and a newborn makes me sweat.

• nearly 2 year old

We all know one or two women that conceive in their late 30s / early 40s, but they are the exception not the rule.

They are not the "exception." Why say they are?
She is not "nearing the end of her child bearing years" at 31. Why say she is?

If you are going to make things up, expect to be challenged.

Sleep ... you'll b fine :) when they r all at school u can breathe! and will b able to enjoy them to the max!

Well I have to say I'm gobsmacked at some of the things that have been said. I'm still at work but will address them once I get a minute (or 20 probably)

Oh dear, some terrible myths about fertility being peddled in this thread.

How about some facts from the Office for National Statistics- in 2016 the fertility rate of women aged 40 and above surpassed that of women aged under 20 (for the first time since 1947).

The fertility rate of those in their 40s and over has now more than trebled since 1981.

Stop peddling outdated stats, people. Yes, it is harder to get pregnant in your 40s, but given advances in health, diet, lifestyle and medicine, it is not all that unusual for most people who do not have specific reproductive problems.

You have two which means you are incredibly lucky
Appreciate what you have.

Also, all of this bizarre crying about people 'not wanting to be running after teenagers in their 60s'.

It's your 60s, not your 80s!

In the 1980s, my granny died aged 62, and she was a proper old lady- quite grey, frail.

Fast forward 30 odd years, and todays sexagenarians are a totally different species- again thanks to continuing advances in our standards of living, diet, lifestyle and healthcare. We are all living longer and aging later.

My mother is currently late 60s, goes to ballet, zumba, runs 10k races, and certainly has no trouble running around after her rowdy grandchildren. Where is this perception coming from that being in your 60s requires a zimmer and an oxygen pack? The reality is that many of us will be working until our late 70s anyway before we can draw our pensions. Honestly, the absolute rubbish I read on here sometimes..

I'm fit and healthy, but I'm into my 50's and running after teenagers.

I WOULD NOT want to be running after teenagers in my 60's, I'm absolutely certain of that. It's exhausting, physically and mentally.

Why are we still talking about the age comment? FFS, I said I personally don't want to have kids past 35, as I will have 2 teenagers and my husband will be nearing his 50's. I have so far spent my entire adult life raising children and will be glad to spend the rest of my post-kids adult life doing all the things I missed out on by having kids young. But I still feel pangs of broodiness. And I don't know how to stop it. That's what the thread was about, not how fucking old is too old. Way to derail the thread.

you seem to want to make up for your previous mistakes and the poor behaviour of your first partner and "get it right" this time

Not at any point have I suggested my children are mistakes, nor the circumstances surrounding their birth and conception, so that's a pretty big leap to take from what I said. And I wasn't asking if I was BU to have another child, I have no intention of having another. I asked if I was BU to hope that the feelings of broodiness eventually subside.

Chesnut why do you think it's 'interesting' that DH doesn't want his own children, but is happy to be a step parent? What is weird about that?

I know how you feel, OP. I have two kids, 15 and 12, DH doesn't want another, I agree with him, but I still found myself outside a baby shop yesterday gazing misty-eyed at cots and prams. It is a VERY powerful biological urge, a friend of mine who had four said she constantly yearned for 'just one more baby' until she got old enough that nature made the decision for her. It's tough when your partner is a great parent but I agree with other people, find an outlet to pour all that maternal instinct into. There are some great children's charities around. My DH mentors troubled teens and gets a lot from it, there is a foster friend scheme for foster families etc. Don't let the broodiness make you miserable. x

Thanks krusty, I know what you mean about gazing misty eyed at baby things! It is a very powerful urge, and while DH doesn't share it, as a scientist he does understand it. We don't talk about it in the sense that we discuss the idea having one, but we talk about how it's just nature and it will eventually be ok.

I'm nearly 35 and would love another baby. Broody as hell.

But I know the reality is I have three children of my own and a stepson, we have a small house, we can enjoy our evenings....I just want a squishy little newborn!

I think the only thing you can do is recognise your feelings but don't let it get you down.

Yes the feeling goes away - of wanting kids. In my early thirties I very much felt as you do, but am 45 now and very glad I didn't have them then, as it would not have worked out well. I don't feel sad at all.

Thank you cabbages that's what I needed to hear!

The feeling goes away. I wanted another child. My DH really, really didn't. I got a baby animal instead and I am so glad I did. The children are up and will soon be leaving home and we are looking forward to enjoying the next chapter of our lives together, I am now working full time and life is good. I am so glad I didn't have another.

Why are we still talking about the age comment? FFS

That's a bit rude op. You mentioned your age not us! And anyway, sometimes the conversation goes off in a slightly different direction for a few posts, that happens on most threads.

It's not rude when I've quite clearly said, repeatedly that 35 is my personal age limit and not that anyone couldn't/shouldn't have children past this age. For other posters to keep saying I'm 'pedalling fertility myths' and being offensive and upsetting is rude! I've done nothing of the sort.

No one stated wait till 40s at all of course not! That's stupid
But everyone's circumstances are different and certainly yes fertility does decline from mid 30s for a lot of women but not all and it's still very possible to have babies well into your 30s though not advisable

I think OP should have worded it end if child rearing years

But that makes even less sense confused! If your child rearing years are over, but your child bearing years aren't then what are you going to do with any subsequent children you have?!