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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aaaargh! DS Holiday refusnik crisis ...

136 replies

UsedtobeFeckless · 13/07/2017 23:44

We're going away with my cousin and her family in a few weeks, we do this every year - the kids get on, the adults get on, it's a nice week off in the wilds.

DS (16) has just announced he doesn't want to go because he's going to miss his mate's going-off-to-uni barbeque (mate has a car, uni is an hour away, mate lives in the village, both on skype etc, term doesn't start until October) Should l insist he comes with us or leave him behind and disappoint cousins ( not entirely happy about leaving him on his own for a week and a half ) Woe!

OP posts:

5moreminutes · 14/07/2017 08:49

You have my sympathy because he is going to be stewing and miserable on holiday...

I couldn't leave him for fear of him going off the rails after getting his heart broken at the party, and for that reason alone.

It's a no win situation as if you take him you will all have an atmosphere on holiday as he will think you don't understand him, and that you have robbed him of his big chance with the girl of his dreams. You will know you are protecting him but can't expect him to agree that you are. Almost the worst thing is that not letting him go to the party only puts off the heart break - presumably he will get his heart broken in the Christmas holidays instead...

cowgirlsareforever · 14/07/2017 08:51

5moreminutes makes a really good point. He's going to be feeling pretty awful because of the unrequited love.
Is there any chance you could send the others on before you and stay with him until the party is over? May give you a chance to talk things through on a long road trip with just the two of you?

HotelEuphoria · 14/07/2017 08:56

I wouldn't leave a 16 year old at home for a week either, especially if he has older friends. His crush on the girl sounds the main reason for wanting to stay home and I am pretty sure she won't even be going off to uni for a couple of months yet. First years often don't get their keys until September in halls, and there are very few students around before then.

Also with the house to himself he may be tempted to host a party or two of his own to keep in with his friends.

Definitely not, he will get over it as soon as he boards the ferry.

SweetLuck · 14/07/2017 09:16

Would not leave him.

ConstanceCraving · 14/07/2017 09:24

At 16 he doesn't get to choose.

thereallochnessmonster · 14/07/2017 09:25

I woudn't be happy with leaving my dc home alone at 16 for so long. He can arrange a party after you all get home. And then maybe you can talk about leaving him home alone for a weekend and take it from there.

TartanDMs · 14/07/2017 09:29

If DS decided he didn't want to come on holiday with us, I would give him the option of staying with his grandparents or older brother, or home alone with older brother popping in every now and then. He is mature and sensible though so I know he wouldn't have a party or break anything and he can cook for himself. It depends on your son's maturity I think.

Fruitbat1980 · 14/07/2017 09:29

At 16 I was made to go on family holiday when I wanted to stay home for a friends 16th. Because I wasn't there my best friend snogged my boyfriend - so my heart was broken twice! The party also ended with carnage and the Police being called the village was tore up and girl whosnparty it was spent 3 weekends replanting plants in gardens and communal areas round village and picking up bottles I couldn't see it at time but keeping me the hell away was the right decision. Two faced cow of best friend showed her true colours and the boyfriend I was better of without! (Won't be telling my mum that tho! Even though I'm now 36!)

HLBug · 14/07/2017 09:39

I moved to a major city and started uni at 16. I'm sure he'll be fine for a few days on his own... order him an online shop if you're worried about food etc.

KurriKurri · 14/07/2017 09:54

I left my 17 yr old DS on his own because he didn't want to come with us on holiday - but he said from the outset. He was fine, had a friend over to stay for a few days - no problem.
But it's rude to agree to something then change your mind when a better offer comes along, especially when people have spent money on your tickets/fares etc etc.
In principle Id be fine with leaving a sensible 16 yr old, but not in this instance.

I've never heard the phrase friend zoning - can someone explain ?

5moreminutes · 14/07/2017 09:59

KurriKurri "friend zoning" is just when one person makes it clear they regard the other as a good platonic friend, to ward off the other's interest in a potential boyfriend/ girlfriend/ sexual relationship.

Rhubarbtart9 · 14/07/2017 10:06

I'd make him go and instead arrange a special thing for them when you return. Tickets to see something together or similar

Rhubarbtart9 · 14/07/2017 10:07

It's too late to change arrangements

KurriKurri · 14/07/2017 10:08

Ah - I see - thank you 5moreminutes

grannytomine · 14/07/2017 10:14

We left our son at home alone when he was not quite 16. It was an emergency, his sister had meningitis and we got the phone call from uni to get there. Left work, grabbed some clothes, phoned school to make sure he had a key and left some money for food. He survived, the house survived and thankfully his sister survived.

Maybe the worry in advance is the worst bit? I didn't have time to think about it so just did it.

5moreminutes · 14/07/2017 10:48

granny presumably you weren't away for a week and a half and your DS wasn't hell-bent on doing something that would lead him to his very first big heart break while you were away though?

We all know teens will get over the first love thing, but at the time it feels as though life is over, nothing is worth living for - I wouldn't my teen to be in the house alone alone with the entire family an 8 hours drive plus a ferry ride away and not due back for a week on the night that happens.

It's just the fact the OP thinks the reason he wants to stay is to get it together with the love of his life, and that she has firmly friend zoned him so will reject his advances, that mean this kid is likely to be quite emotionally vulnerable, all alone in a house for a week and a half, and could do something out of character like get very drunk all on his own and then fall down stairs/ choke on his own vomit/ try to take the car to go back over to her house...

It would seem that in this very specific situation leaving the teen boy home could create a perfect storm...

littlemissangrypants · 14/07/2017 10:53

I think it depends on the kid. I am going to leave my eldest (nearly 18) alone while we go away this summer. I was very worried and was even called a wet lettuce for being worried about it.
We have had a trial weekend to see if he could cope/not have wild parties which has reassured me that he can manage alone. We are also making him a list of emergency numbers and things like how to turn off the water and electric.
We are also paying his dad to pop in on him a couple of times during the week (ex would not agree to do it without pay) and my best friend will also be there if needed.
On top of that there will be emergency money in house plus we are removing the good alcohol just in case. I do worry how it will all go but he is nearly an adult so deserves his freedom too.
I don't know if I would have been ready to let him stay alone at 16 but I do think he would have been ok as he is a fairly sensible kid. The funny thing is that I had him at 17 and never thought it odd that I was living without parents by 16 and had all that freedom but it's very different when it's your own kids.

grannytomine · 14/07/2017 12:07

I was away for 8 days and he was usually hellbent on something that worried me. Obviously when we left we had no idea how long we would be away but she was in hospital for over a week, we came back just before she was discharged as we knew she was OK then. She needed alot of support for a variety of reasons and with her as a very sick 18 year old and him as a fit and well almost 16 year old we made our choice.

grannytomine · 14/07/2017 12:16

I'm probably a bit biased to be honest. At 16 I was planning my wedding, a year later I was a mum. The idea of being forced to go on a family holiday would have horrified me. Still does if I'm honest.

WeAllHaveWings · 14/07/2017 12:54

I was left alone at 17 for two nights, based purely on what I got up to, no I would leave a 16 yr old alone!!! Although not all teenagers are the same, and mum and dad never noticed the smell of fresh paint hidden by lots of air freshener on arrival or the hidden damages until much later and by that time didn't link it back to that wonderful weekend.

BingoFlamingos · 14/07/2017 13:00

I would've said yes
But my parents left me alone at just eighteen with my thirteen year old sister whilst they fannied off to New Zealand for three weeks. So perhaps my frame of reference is a bit shit

I'm only twenty four now It wasn't even that long ago

Italiangreyhound · 14/07/2017 13:00

Childhood is over so fast. Then decades of being an adult. Make the carefree holiday family fun last as long as you can . When it is gone, it's gone.

BingoFlamingos · 14/07/2017 13:02

Actually twenty three not twenty four until next week 🤦‍♀️
May as well be 300 and dementing with this baby brain.
I'd better stop wishing my life away

grannytomine · 14/07/2017 16:20

Oh yes, the carefree holiday fun with a sulking 16 year old. We forced one of ours to come on a family lunch that they didn't want to go to. Longest 2 hours of my life.

Cailleach666 · 14/07/2017 17:39

Oh yes, the carefree holiday fun with a sulking 16 year old. We forced one of ours to come on a family lunch that they didn't want to go to. Longest 2 hours of my life.

Exactly.

It's not so simple as saying make them go.

A 16 year old who really doesn't want to be there can make everyone's holiday miserable.

I only want people on my holiday who want to be there.

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