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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aaaargh! DS Holiday refusnik crisis ...

136 replies

UsedtobeFeckless · 13/07/2017 23:44

We're going away with my cousin and her family in a few weeks, we do this every year - the kids get on, the adults get on, it's a nice week off in the wilds.

DS (16) has just announced he doesn't want to go because he's going to miss his mate's going-off-to-uni barbeque (mate has a car, uni is an hour away, mate lives in the village, both on skype etc, term doesn't start until October) Should l insist he comes with us or leave him behind and disappoint cousins ( not entirely happy about leaving him on his own for a week and a half ) Woe!

OP posts:

Meowstro · 14/07/2017 01:34

I was left alone at 16 for a week but was trustworthy. I had a few friends over (drank a bit of red square, put a bit of music on and had a takeaway - the height of sophistication 😂) but no major party or anything. It depends on how much you trust him to be sensible in an emergency and not to have a raging party.

That being said if it were me, I'd make him go on holiday because if it's last minute, he needs to know not everything revolves around him, he can't just cancel a preexisting plan because a new one comes along which looks a bit better for him. That being said you'd need to prepare for him being moodiermoody all week. Maybe you could suggest dropping him off for a day visit when you're back?

chips4teaplease · 14/07/2017 01:37

I stayed home alone from choice at 16, for a fortnight. It was fine except i agreed to 'sit' a neighbour's dog, and the bloody thing barked at nothing for the fortnight, scaring me half to death. Also I developed frozen shoulder. But that was nothing to do with being home alone. That part was fine.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/07/2017 01:38

Thinking about it..... if the "mates" at the party found out that he was home alone for a week then he could be talked into hosting and that could end badly for him and you. So still no.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/07/2017 01:59

We stopped making our sons go on holiday with us at 16. BUT we didn't leave them home alone. They stayed with my parents. They had their own cars at 16 so they were pretty independent and didn't take any real looking after, but they were accountable to my parents for their whereabouts.

SinglePringle · 14/07/2017 02:26

I ruined a family holiday at 15. Never went away with my family again! I was allowed to stay home alone for weekends from 14 and, as said, from 15, I was allowed to stay home whilst parents went on an annual 2 weeker.

Didn't have parties, didn't trash the house. Just had friends to stay and got a bit drunk.

NikiBabe · 14/07/2017 03:09

The issue here is not that he has outgrown these holidays. Indeed he agreed to go and one of his cousins is a year older so it isnt as if he is being forced to go on a holiday with no appropriate company. He wanted to go at the time.

The issue is he wants to drop out now he has a better offer apparently to try to cosy up to a woman who isnt interested in him.

Tell him he agreed and it's booked and paid for so that's that. You dont back out at this late stage from something you agreed to do.

MaryTheCanary · 14/07/2017 03:33

I think that whether a 16yo can be trusted in the parents' house alone is very much about maturity and track record. My sister and I would both have been fine. A lot of 16yos would throw parties, mess up the place....

MaryTheCanary · 14/07/2017 03:36

I agree that it is more about the fact that he is trying to change plans at the last minute. Presumably expenses have already been paid for and some of them cannot be got back? I'd find that annoyingon the other hand, a sulking 16yo sounds like a nightmare. If he can be trusted to look after the house properly, I'd consider letting him stay, but make it clear to him that he won't be getting any kind of extra spending money or holiday allowancehe'll need to pay for his food etc. expenses with his own allowance/part-time job earnings.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/07/2017 05:00

I don't know anyone who would leave a 16-year-old for that long in those circumstances.

Just tell him he's coming.

underneaththeash · 14/07/2017 06:41

I'd make him go or it's going to cause issues for the other teenagers who are going may be going under sufferance as well.

He's said he wanted to go and now it's to late.

OddBoots · 14/07/2017 06:48

I wouldn't leave him home alone that long, if I had a family member he could stay with or who would be happy to stay at your house that may be different but otherwise, no.

I would offer to host a BBQ for some of his friends later in the summer though.

gingergenius · 14/07/2017 06:51

Tricky! I travelled across Europe and holidayed in Germany with a similar-aged when I was 15. No way in hell would I let my 15 yo do that - nor would I let him stay on his own for a week and a half. But I know from bitter experience what the sulking can be like on holiday. I'd be inclined to insist - he'll have company and it's the safest option. Good luck and happy holidays!

waterrat · 14/07/2017 06:53

I sympathise with him as I remember the reality of missing out on fun for holidays at that age. It does sound a bit unfair on his cousins if he pulls out and the cousins parents.

Cailleach666 · 14/07/2017 07:05

I wouldn't leave him at 16, nor would I make him go.

Is there another family member who could stay with him?

These years are tricky, we have had split holidays during these years and while not perfect does help.
This time will pass.

Cailleach666 · 14/07/2017 07:06

Forcing a teen to go on holiday when they don't want to can backfire.

I have tried it. We all had a miserable time.

I wouldn't like to be forced to go on a holiday against my wishes, and neither do teens.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/07/2017 07:08

I wouldn't leave my 16 year old for a week. No way.

But I would have made the rule when I told him about the holiday that there was no compromise with it once I'd booked it.

I'm afraid I'd make him go.

Shockers · 14/07/2017 07:12

Tell him that he will not be allowed to stay in your house alone, so unless he makes a suitable arrangement for the week, which you can check to make sure he isn't sleeping rough, he's going with you.

Sweetnessishere · 14/07/2017 07:15

I have 2 teenage DC and both have stayed at home but not before 17 whilst I have been away, however we live in town and family is within a 10 minute walk. Mainly they choose to come on holiday with us when it is just our family, although the older one has not been on the extended family annual trip since she was 14

In the circumstances you describe I would not have left either of mine behind.

AdalindSchade · 14/07/2017 07:15

It's too long to leave him on his own and it's not a good enough reason to miss a planned family holiday. It's not like he won't have people his own age to hang out with on holiday.
This is one of those times that he needs to accept that his wishes don't trump everything else.

Eastpoint · 14/07/2017 07:17

We left ours as he told us he really didn't want to come the night before we left. We arranged some last minute work experience & he's been commuting there each day.

kaytee87 · 14/07/2017 07:18

Every single time I was left home alone (or with older brother) at 15/16 we had a massive party and nearly always broke something.... the oven door, garage window are a couple of examples.

I think the temptation to impress older girl with his empty will be too great for him to not have a party. As a pp said, she might have a bf at the party or be flirting with someone then your ds will be alone and sad.

Tell him you've already paid for holiday now and that his cousins are looking forward to seeing him, would he please come and then he can have his own party at home later in the summer.

Try not to sound as if you're demanding he come, do some bargaining with him to make him feel like he's making the choice and a bit more grown up. Also demanding anything of a teen just gets their back up.

Pouncival · 14/07/2017 07:22

I have a 16 year old Ds - not a chance would I leave him behind

SoupDragon · 14/07/2017 07:24

if the "mates" at the party found out that he was home alone for a week then he could be talked into hosting and that could end badly for him and you

This is my worry really. Especially with Facebook/snapchat etc. I mostly trust my teen DSs (18/16) but I would not leave them alone for that long at 16. I do now that DS2's friends have had trouble with a party gone wrong due to gatecrashers before and I would not want to put my child in the position of having to fix something like that.

2gorgeousboys · 14/07/2017 07:24

I came on to say that we had a similar situation last summer with DS1, a friend was moving to boarding school for A levels and was having a leaving BBQ at the end of term. We'd booked to go away after discussions DS sorted out logistics for himself to stay at my parents and then join us a day later after the party.

I see that's not feasible because of location and agree with others that I wouldn't leave him at home all week and he should arrange something separate with the girl.

DSS was left at home for a week aged 15 as his mum went on holiday whilst he was mid GCSEs so he couldn't go with her. He survived just fine but had we known I would have suggested he stayed with us. Not because he isn't sensible but more because I think DC need a bit of looking after whilst doing exams.

Dawnedlightly · 14/07/2017 07:34

Poor lad. It's insoluble- particularly because of the friend zoning, it has the potential to be a really grim time for him if he stays at home but he has fomo.

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