Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aaaargh! DS Holiday refusnik crisis ...

136 replies

UsedtobeFeckless · 13/07/2017 23:44

We're going away with my cousin and her family in a few weeks, we do this every year - the kids get on, the adults get on, it's a nice week off in the wilds.

DS (16) has just announced he doesn't want to go because he's going to miss his mate's going-off-to-uni barbeque (mate has a car, uni is an hour away, mate lives in the village, both on skype etc, term doesn't start until October) Should l insist he comes with us or leave him behind and disappoint cousins ( not entirely happy about leaving him on his own for a week and a half ) Woe!

OP posts:
WorldWideWanderer · 14/07/2017 07:35

It really depends on the child. Immature - no, suggest they stay with a friend. Mature for their age and trustworthy, yes, no problem. I left my daughter on her own in a remote cottage (no transport except the school 'bus, no shops) at age 15 while I was in France, she survived, fed herself, got herself to school and back and didn't have any parties. I was worried but she wanted to prove herself "grown up" - and she did. After that I had no qualms about leaving her and by the time she was University age herself she was so good at looking after herself I had no worries whatsoever.

BuzzKillington · 14/07/2017 07:45

No way would I leave a 16 year old for that long.

nocampinghere · 14/07/2017 07:45

If you're 6 miles from the nearest shop / civilisation then how on earth can he stay at home by himself even if you allowed him to?!

It's not physically possible.

nocampinghere · 14/07/2017 07:46
  • Shockers Fri 14-Jul-17 07:12:44

Tell him that he will not be allowed to stay in your house alone, so unless he makes a suitable arrangement for the week, which you can check to make sure he isn't sleeping rough, he's going with you.*

THIS.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/07/2017 07:59

16 is still too young to be left alone for that amount of time.

I have two 16 year olds. One would be fine, I'm pretty sure she would just have a few of her sensible mates round, leave a few takeaway boxes lying about and an over flowing bin. Possibly a few cheeky ciders.

The other would have a week long party, her crazy mates would invite a load of older unknowns and the house would be wrecked.

Don't do it OP, even if he's sensible his mates will soon hear about the empty house.

SoupDragon · 14/07/2017 08:01

If you're 6 miles from the nearest shop / civilisation then how on earth can he stay at home by himself even if you allowed him to?!

It's not physically possible.

Of course it is Confused

2rebecca · 14/07/2017 08:15

Agree it's possible esp if you have bikes. I would say no as wouldn't trust him and too late to cancel. It's not his house and backing out due to a last minute better offer isn't behavior to encourage. Don't book him on future holidays without discussion though

juneau · 14/07/2017 08:18

This is a tricky one, because if you insist that he comes he could disappear the day before or just ruin the holiday for everyone else. OTOH, if you let him stay you'd be leaving a 16-year-old (an age group hardly known for their good sense and judgement), alone for 10 days with no transport in the middle of nowhere.

I refused to go on any more family holidays once I turned 16. My DM was so fucked off with me that she left me home alone for two weeks with no money! I had to borrow some off my boyfriend's parents. They were really shocked at what she'd done. So don't do that.

RhiWrites · 14/07/2017 08:21

Suggest he takes her out for a nice meal (you pay) before the holiday.

Lol! Grin can't see either of them going for that.

Does he have a male friend he could stay with? I think he ought to be allowed to stay home but as someone said upthread he might find himself pressured into a party.

64PooLane · 14/07/2017 08:28

Goodasgoldilox

It was talk of the neighbourhood for years - until another neighbour managed to turn her car upside down when parking in her own drive

I would really love to know more about how she did this.

HipsterHunter · 14/07/2017 08:28

Aw he probably thinks this party is his big chance where she will see what she has been missing out on and they will get together! Awks.

I think I would make him come, but I would empathize with how hard it is when someone you like is going away, FOMO when people have parties, and give him some cash to do something after the holiday. Also say that its far too late notice to back out of this holiday now, but if he doesn't want to come in future you can sort things out in advance.

I refused to go on any more family holidays once I turned 16. My DM was so fucked off with me that she left me home alone for two weeks with no money! I had to borrow some off my boyfriend's parents. They were really shocked at what she'd done. So don't do that.

I kinda think that is quite funny of your mum!

I must be in a minority., I love going on holiday with my parents - hot weather, pool/sea, nice food - what is there not to like!

caffeinestream · 14/07/2017 08:29

If you're 6 miles from the nearest shop / civilisation then how on earth can he stay at home by himself even if you allowed him to?!

It's not physically possible

Of course it is! Lots of people live rurally and manage just fine - there's internet shopping, buses/trains, or at 16yo he could walk, cycle, get a taxi....

Why would it be physically impossible? Confused

Whatsername17 · 14/07/2017 08:37

No to leaving a 16 year old. There is a big difference between 16 and 18.

Original poster
UsedtobeFeckless · 14/07/2017 08:37

Thanks for your thoughts - just off to work, will post more later!

OP posts:
Disillusionedone · 14/07/2017 08:39

Its really rude to drop out of a prearranged holiday
I would not be accommodating this.

CoughLaughFart · 14/07/2017 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

caffeinestream · 14/07/2017 08:41

My comment wasn't to say I think it's a good idea to leave him btw, just that it's certainly not physically impossible to leave him at that age!

I would be telling him he was coming, or he could find somewhere else to stay for a week and find a way of paying you back for his share of the trip. He doesn't get to just drop out three weeks beforehand because he thinks he's had a better offer.

PurplePeppers · 14/07/2017 08:43

He won't be able to do an internet shop because you need someone over 18yo there for collection...

Sorry but no car, 6miles away from a shop, alone for 1.5week would be a no-no from me.

I have to laugh at idea of a bus. Where I am (sounds similar to the OP btw) there is ONE bus a day. That's it.....
and that if you are happy to walk a mile to arrive to the bus stop.

Taxis are expensive, esp if he ends up using one everyday.

He'll end on his own in th house for 1.5week and be bored to death. All that to impress a young woman who might very well not be interested in him at all (all with him being your under and her being an older than him woman)

HipsterHunter · 14/07/2017 08:43

Also the party has the potential to be really upsetting for him when his dreams don't come true and she doesn't shag him!

cowgirlsareforever · 14/07/2017 08:44

Please don't call people thick CoughLaughFart.

caffeinestream · 14/07/2017 08:44

@CoughLaughFart - leaving home at 16, with a job and the means to support yourself and a place of your own is different to leaving a school kid who has never lived independently and lives in the arse-end of nowhere!

No need to be calling people thick for attempting to point that out Hmm

5moreminutes · 14/07/2017 08:45

I would leave a 16 year old home alone for a week in some circumstances, and I certainly wouldn't force a 16 year old to go on holiday with me against their will. I went on my last family holiday at 14 and stayed home alone after that - but that was decided at planning stage. I would let my kids do the same in a few years if our circumstances remain as they are now, if that was what they wanted. I'd have hated the holiday you describe at 16 - sounds nice for younger cousins but not teens.

But it sounds rather as if your 16 year old is lining up for his first broken heart at this party, which is what makes it rather different - I wouldn't want my 16 year old alone, and remaining alone for several days after, in that situation as it is the most likely situation for him to go off the rails a bit and act in an out of character way, perhaps getting drunk on his own at home and hurting himself or something...

On balance in your specific circumstances I would not leave my 16 year old. Not because of being 6 miles from a shop (even my 11 year old could cope with cycling to a shop six miles away, and has done on her own before though admittedly we were home and it was through her choice not necessity - we tracked her via her phone :o but if she couldn't do it at 16 that would be frankly a massive sign of our parental incompetence in preparing her for independence ) and I'm sure you are able to stock the house with more than ten days worth of food - like us you probably have the hang of how to shop in a way that means you have supplies of long life milk and dry and frozen goods because of the distance to the shop and not wanting to be always "popping" out to the shops by car esp if something like illness strikes).

paxillin · 14/07/2017 08:46

I'd say no, he didn't say it when you planned the holiday. He doesn't object to the holiday, he just fears missing out on this party. You also say you wouldn't be happy leaving him for this long, not all 16 year olds are ready to stay and leave the house in one piece.

yikesanotherbooboo · 14/07/2017 08:48

I would leave my 16 year old if he felt happy to be left ; however we have family member quite close by to turn to if there was a pipe burst or similar crisis.
I wouldn't let him stay at home however, if he had committed to a holiday and then changed his mind for his own selfish reasons. It will change the dynamic of pall of your holiday .
I would just hope that once we had crossed the channel he would put Blighty and parties behind him and slot in. I might have slight apprehension that we would all be subjected to sulky teenager for the duration but would hope for the best.

PurplePeppers · 14/07/2017 08:49

Fwiw stories from my family.
One 18yo left at home, sensible etc etc.
Had a party, alcohol involved. The neighbour was closed to calling the police as some of the friends were trying to climb the fence between the two houses. Lots and lots of noise. Had to call on a family friend she knew to calm everyone down. Inside, huge mess, tv broken etc etc.

16yo left on her own with older brothers (20 and 21yo) at the time. Mum received a phone call asking if she knew where xx was. Turns out xx had decided to go away from the party with a friend and sit by the river. Huge search from the parents of the friend who were wondering where on earth friend was.

From that experience, and even though at 17yo I was living in my own very far away from family, I wouldn't live my own teenagers alone.