My DD being excluded

[pleasingone]

My DD is in a friendship group of four. They all get along really well and are lovely but 2 of the girls pair off and exclude the other 2, my DD being one of them. She copes / accepts it well.
Tomorrow is an inset day, my DD has been asking the others all week if they can all meet up. Tonight the two girls
have said they're meeting up and have excluded my DD again... one of the other girls mother happens to be a good friend of mine and it's made worse that I actually asked her what was happening last night, she said she didn't know, however it transpires that she is taking the other two out. I accept that this is likely to keep happening as my DD is clearly the third wheel.. it just feels so spiteful and unkind. The forth girl is away this weekend.
I'm supposed to be going out for dinner with this friend tomorrow but I'm so upset to see my DD treated shoddily AIBU to make my excuses and cancel?

I think you are looking at it all wrong. Just because they get on as a group of four does not mean they have to do everything together every time. Two of them doing something together is about them, not about your daughter.
It's not spiteful or unkind, and this idea that other people doing things for themselves is doing something to you is the worst thing you can teach your daughter.

She lied to you. Friends don't do that to each other.

This is your daughter's chance to branch out. It sounds like the other two girls are best friends and while I don't condone their behaviour, it happens.

I don't get why this is shoddy treatment. All the girls get on and nobody is being unpleasant from what you say. They don't have to hang out together as a foursome all the time, do they? DD has on occasion not been invited to things that others in her friendship group are going to. That's just life. You don't get invited to everything. Is there a backstory or something?

I agree with Groupie, the other mother lied and that is not on.
It is the secrecy and whispering behind hands sort of thing that leads to insecurity and feeling left out imo.
If they were just open about it 'oh Sarah is having Jane over at ours tomorrow after school' it would be much simpler all round.

What about the fourth girl?

Sounds like an excellent chance to teach your daughter that everything isn't about her. They can have their close friendship independent of your DDs relationship with these two girls.

Teach your daughter that she can't have a 'maximum' of friends, but rather, lots of friends from different parts of her life- that's the truest to adult friendship anyway.

Your DD isn't being excluded, bullied, or mistreated, but rather, two people can have a friendship independent of her-and that's ok!

My eldest is best friends with two
Other girls. They do do
A lot together but sometimes the other girls do stuff together without her or she does something with one of the other girls without the third. It happens. As long as they're happy then leave them be

Yes, but perhaps she lied because she knows OP has an issue with the other girls doing anything without her daughter? Perhaps she was thinking, oh god I can't tell her, she'll get all annoyed again and talk about it being cruel and spiteful.

Agree that this is how friendships work - fourth girl can't always be away. They aren't excluding just your dd.

Definitely encourage her to broaden her friendships and spend time with different people. Will be worth it when she is older if she is not too tightly entwined in a small group

Thanks for your replies.
I've always told my DC to have as many friends as possible, that way you'll never be lonely & always have someone.
It is constantly these two that pair off which of course is fine. It would have been better if they'd just said that they had plans at the beginning of the week rather than keeping her holding on. Girls can be so unkind.
I agree that she should branch off & find more friends, now is the time.

Seems pretty normal to me. Two friends are often closer and get on better - although sometimes this changes over time and things swap around. It's not like there's three of them then I could see the third wheel thing. There's four of them, and the fourth girl just so happens to be away now. Other times can't your DD and the fourth girl do stuff together? And if your DD isn't that keen, it just goes to show that people have preferences in friendships. Just because there's a group doesn't make it some kind of Marxist friendship collective. I suspect the mum just said whatever for a quiet life and probably thinks it's better to stay out of managing their friendships too much.

Now its fine but in your OP it was unkind and spiteful?

How does the fourth wheel feel? I imagine it must be pretty shitty to know that a) two of your friends enjoy pairing off and b) your third friend doesn't want to spend time with you on her own.

You've forgotten to tell us how old they are.

I don't think it's unkind that two friends are closer to each other than to the rest of the group.

I can see she needs to develop new friendships and move on.
This is one of a few things and yes I go still feel that they have been unkind and spiteful as girls can be.

I also don't see this as the two friends doing anything wrong. They are just closer friends with each other. If it were a group of, say five friends, and four kept meeting up without the fifth then that would be 'excluding' someone but two girls getting together out of a group of 4 isn't.

The Mum should have been truthful but is it possible she wasn't sure of what was happening?

Perfectly normal I'm afraid, they aren't being unkind to your DD just not choosing to spend as much time with her as others which hurts when your DD wants to spend more time with them. How old are they?

The forth isn't around at weekends / holidays.

I don't mean to be judgemental but I'm not sure this is a healthy attitude to instil in your daughter:

I've always told my DC to have as many friends as possible, that way you'll never be lonely & always have someone.

Why would she be lonely, what should she always NEED anyone?

Sure, friendships and relationships in general are good when they're good, but I'd rather bring up my daughter to independent than to clamour for friendships to prop herself up,

Again, sorry if I've taken it out of context, it just really hit a nerve with me.

yes I go still feel that they have been unkind and spiteful as girls can be

By being friends with each other? What a very nasty way to think about children.

I go still feel that they have been unkind and spiteful as girls can be.

Then why did you say they were lovely in the OP?

Sounds like you've taken against them because they're better friends with each other than your DD and the other girl.

YABU.

I agree they should've let DD know they were busy - she's lost face having kept asking what the plans are - it's mean!

How many times do we see an OP seeing FB post of 'friends' when they weren't invited or asked to join them?

It's not OK to treat people this way!!

Tell her to ditch them and find some nice friends instead she's flogging a dead horse

I was in a group of four at school, but we were really two twos. We'd often be at each other's houses without the others, especially in our twos but we were a definite four at school.
Could that be the dynamic with your DD?

How old are they please?

Perhaps your friend was being truthful and really didn't know the details of what was happening at that point.

Or perhaps you put her in an awkward position?