My DD being excluded

[pleasingone]

My DD is in a friendship group of four. They all get along really well and are lovely but 2 of the girls pair off and exclude the other 2, my DD being one of them. She copes / accepts it well.
Tomorrow is an inset day, my DD has been asking the others all week if they can all meet up. Tonight the two girls
have said they're meeting up and have excluded my DD again... one of the other girls mother happens to be a good friend of mine and it's made worse that I actually asked her what was happening last night, she said she didn't know, however it transpires that she is taking the other two out. I accept that this is likely to keep happening as my DD is clearly the third wheel.. it just feels so spiteful and unkind. The forth girl is away this weekend.
I'm supposed to be going out for dinner with this friend tomorrow but I'm so upset to see my DD treated shoddily AIBU to make my excuses and cancel?

16 year olds surely are mid-teens.

Re the neediness thing: I've just had this argument with dd2 as I'm concerned she always seems to be at the back and call of one girl in the group, the same one who left her out and caused the tears of last weekend, and I was trying to warn her not to be so "needy". Did not go down well! Ended up with her in tears accusing me of being down on her and thinking her older sister was "so perfect" (absolutely not true!) Guess I wasn't gentle enough! So thanks to those posters who seem to think I am a good parent at this sort of thing, but I'm obviously not that good!!

Even if they're 13, I still think that's too old for parents to be getting involved. Sorry but kindly, YABU. It's hard to see your children upset but I don't think they didn't anything wrong.

I think that you need to be angry at the mum for lying and not the pairing up thing. Some parents would find one extra girl their limit for babysitting or might only have one space left in the car. Or it could be a budget thing, or shared interest thing. The chosen girl - is she the easiest to look after? Does she need more attention because of her background?

Relying on only a few other friends is too risky. Sounds like time to widen her circle.

Please don't get involved. My dm did when I was being excluded my two girls who had been my friends (I was 13) She saw them at the shops one day and had a word with them. I was mortified! I think things would have sorted themselves out if mum hadn't got involved but she caused permanent damage.

I have a 14 year old dd. What I've learned:

• They are often too embarrassed to admit that they have plans that do not involve someone. I can see my dd think that she is being kind by not saying it to the excluded person's face. She risks the person taking it badly and crying at school then teachers getting involved etc.
• Many plans are last minute. I often drop her off without knowing pick up time.
• People who were friends in y7 are often only acquaintances or strangers by y9. Some are obligatory friends (e.g. You walk to school as a two-some but can't ditch the other person because they'd have nobody to walk with) and I think the mums being friends makes things awkward and neither girl can move on.
• I think the four some could be 2 pairs. Is dd more friendly with the 4th girl? Dd has different categories of friend. Her best friend, the girls that she walks to school with, the girls in each subject and the girls she hangs out at break/lunchtime. There are some who overlap but she only sees some girls out of school.
• the friendships are volatile. Dd is going through a period of being very irritated with best friend. This happens every few months.
• she's occasionally mentioned other people trying to break into her group. The girls are too polite to tell the clingy ones that they are being annoying so just grit their teeth and hope it passes.

I'm not saying that your dd has done anything wrong but I've got a mid-teen and young teen and their friendships have changed since y7. Dd might want to think about if this is the case.

Worra "And some people would take over a thread and argue black is white." Not my intention to take over the thread. OK I M happy not to post if it looks like I am trying to take over.

I am just very passionate a out this topic. Plus I find it funny that sometimes posters wa t more info and almost seem to expect it.

Rainbow that is such a good point about not getting involved/ not speaking to the girls aboit thus if/when you see them.

OP I hope your friendship with other mum will be fine.my dd's friend's mum is my friend (sounds complicated but she was my friend before either of the girls were born). We decided not to let our girls come before us, and mostly have managed to maintain very good friendship.

Good luck OP

OP not OK!!

Young teens? I thought you were talking about primary school children.

Definitely keep out of it. Your role is to help your dd develop resilience, perspective and self-confidence. That's independent of these two girls.

Neither you nor she can control their actions, but you can support her to manage her reactions as positively as possible.

16??!?!?
OK so my advice to invite other kids to a playdate doesn't apply

You need to back out and let them learn to sort their own friendships after they start secondary. If you are so involved in a teens friendship group you are perhaps keeping her in a socially immature dependency on you as the model for future relationships. Life can be a bit tough but most youngsters can find their way through the complexities of friendships better without parental involvement.

2014 I don't think the OP gave the age, I think someone else was speculating on whether 16 could termed a young teen.

Hope all went OK, last week, OP.