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AIBU?

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Original poster

My DD being excluded

113 replies

pleasingone · 13/07/2017 22:48

My DD is in a friendship group of four. They all get along really well and are lovely but 2 of the girls pair off and exclude the other 2, my DD being one of them. She copes / accepts it well.
Tomorrow is an inset day, my DD has been asking the others all week if they can all meet up. Tonight the two girls
have said they're meeting up and have excluded my DD again... one of the other girls mother happens to be a good friend of mine and it's made worse that I actually asked her what was happening last night, she said she didn't know, however it transpires that she is taking the other two out. I accept that this is likely to keep happening as my DD is clearly the third wheel.. it just feels so spiteful and unkind. The forth girl is away this weekend.
I'm supposed to be going out for dinner with this friend tomorrow but I'm so upset to see my DD treated shoddily AIBU to make my excuses and cancel?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 13/07/2017 23:27

Your friend lied to you ..... cancel dinner...

kids will be kids.. she will meet new friends x

grandOlejukeofYork · 13/07/2017 23:29

How many times do we see an OP seeing FB post of 'friends' when they weren't invited or asked to join them?

Well yes, because they had mothers like OP who taught them that other people are cruel if they don't invite them to everything!

GreenTulips · 13/07/2017 23:31

It's not the invite - it's the lying

marymarytoocontrary · 13/07/2017 23:32

that isn't what op is complaining about, it is the invite she has a problem with.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/07/2017 23:32

Yabu.
They have done nothing wrong, they're allowed to be friends with who they want to be.
I hate this forcing of friendships - you have to play with x etc. As an adult I'm not forced to be friends with someone, I get to make my own choice who I play with. Why can't they?
Bullying, excluding only one, being deliberately nasty would be all wrong, but they're not doing any of those things.

WorraLiberty · 13/07/2017 23:33

How does anyone know she lied?

Perhaps she didn't know exact details at that point, plus if the girls had chosen to go as a pair rather than a trio, she may have been trying to spare the OP's feelings.

MissEliza · 13/07/2017 23:34

These girls are perfectly entitled to do their own thing. They don't have to include your dd. They may have lied about their plans but they're young and still learning how to handle themselves. Your friend probably felt put on the spot and that's why she lied, it's not your friend's responsibility to make sure your dd gets included in all invitations. You sound a bit over worried about something which is normal teenage behaviour.

WorraLiberty · 13/07/2017 23:37

But is it 'teenage behaviour'?

The OP has left out one very important detail and that's their age.

Totallyoverwhelmed42 · 13/07/2017 23:49

If your DD is early teenage years, buckle up because it's gets worse. You sound overly invested the other parent probably feels awkward about it as her DD is trying to navigate her own social life and doesn't want to hurt you in the process. What can be done about this situation ?

corythatwas · 13/07/2017 23:54

If they are young teens, or even younger, could it be that they are not actually spiteful, but feel the pressure from the OP to include her dd into everything they do and simply don't know how to handle it? That they were nervous of telling her that they wanted to just do something the two of them because they were scared of the reaction? Just a thought.

And absolutely what arethereanyleft said. As adults we are never told we are mean and spiteful if we don't include a third colleague in our weekend plans simply because we all get on well at work.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/07/2017 23:54

The mum was wrong, not being honest. But now the time for your dd to branch out and develop other friendships. Mabey she could pair up,with the other girl and do stuff, if they get on.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 13/07/2017 23:58

I have a group of friends, we are 4 women who have been very close since school. We pair off all the time. Sometimes I meet X for a catch up, our lives are different from Y. I'm closer to one of the women than the others but my love and friendship for my group of friends never changes. This sounds normal to me and happens in groups.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 14/07/2017 00:01

God, I could have written this post several times over the last few years (2 dds, 12 and 13) All you can do is listen, mop up the tears, give reassurances (that will get yelled back into your face, as you don't possibly understand), go to sleep worrying.....And then the next day it's all change, and your dd is happy as a sandboy and demanding a lift to meet up with the very girls that were "leaving her out" the day before.

Bit Hmm about your own friend lying to you though. I discourage mine from excluding anyone and usually check "have you invited x?" If one is missing.

the politics of teen/tween friendships is a minefield!

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 14/07/2017 00:04

Forgot to add, whatever you do, don't suggest she should maybe find new/ different friends- that goes down like a lead balloon! Apparently that is impossible Hmm. But then they DO make new/different friends. And it was all their idea....

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 14/07/2017 00:04

Forgot to add, whatever you do, don't suggest she should maybe find new/ different friends- that goes down like a lead balloon! Apparently that is impossible Hmm. But then they DO make new/different friends. And it was all their idea....

marymarytoocontrary · 14/07/2017 00:04

I discourage mine from excluding anyone and usually check "have you invited x?" If one is missing

really? they aren't allowed to choose their own friends, you tell them they have to have everyone? thats weird.

MrsOverTheRoad · 14/07/2017 00:07

I agree with Platypus...and OP I really advise that you don't ask your friend "what's happening" in relation to them in future. Their social arrangements are theirs..I assume they're about 13 or so?

I have two DD's. One's almost 13 and her friends and she make their own arrangements and sometimes, someone's left out.

My other DD is only 9 but she's often very in demand and I have only recently found myself and her...in an awkward position with the Mother of one of her mates pushing for a sleepover.

DD doesn't want a sleepover with this friend...she doesn't want to sleep at her friends house or have her here...she's happy to play...but not to sleep.

However she DOES ask for a sleepover with another friend.

What am I meant to do? Tell the "rejected" friend's Mother "DD says no" or lie? Or am I meant to refuse DD a sleepover with the mate she WANTS to stay with...incase she hurts the other one?

It's all to complicated once parents get involved.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 14/07/2017 00:08

marymary they are a group of 4, so I wouldn't like to see 1 girl excluded, as I know how much it can upset that one that is left out. If they are going shopping, why would they not invite them all? If course they can choose their own friends, but these supposedly ARE their friends! I didn't choose them - they did!

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 14/07/2017 00:08

marymary they are a group of 4, so I wouldn't like to see 1 girl excluded, as I know how much it can upset that one that is left out. If they are going shopping, why would they not invite them all? If course they can choose their own friends, but these supposedly ARE their friends! I didn't choose them - they did!

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 14/07/2017 00:09

Sorry for the double posting, don't knows what is going on with my tablet tonight!

Atenco · 14/07/2017 00:19

I'm afraid you are communicating your issues to your dd, OP, and maybe it would be good if you could sort out your own issues asap. I say that as someone who never came to terms with the way I was bullied at secondary school and ended up making mountains out of any small social problem my dd had at her school. Not good.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 14/07/2017 00:25

I am also vaguely friendly with the girls' friends' mothers, but I never get involved that way. Just look out for my own dd s and try to help them deal with it. I wouldn't suggest bringing it up with your friend. It's about THEIR friendship, not yours.

PerspicaciaTick · 14/07/2017 00:25

One final thing before I go to bed. It might be worth talking to your HV or GP about your mental health OP. Women who experiences problems in pregnancy can be more susceptible to PND. Unfortunately PND can linger undiagnosed for months, even years, after birth...especially if your are good at looking like you are coping and don't obviously need help. It may be that there is some support that they can offer you personally instead of assuming that your DD is the only one who needs support.

SouthWindsWesterly · 14/07/2017 00:25

Yes - they've done nothing wrong in making their own plans. But they should have just been upfront about it

OP DD - inset day - do you have any plans?
Friends DD - oh yes. Florence and myself are going to dull event. Sorry - we should have said ages ago.

OP - what are your DD's plans for inset day
Friend - I'm taking them to an event. I would have mentioned it but they just want it to be the two of them

Yes - OP's DD feels excluded but at least this way she would have known earlier so could have made alternative plans and OP's friend wouldn't have lied. It's the ignoring the question in the vain hope that it will be dropped that's the problem here. They should have just answered the DD's question when she asked them

PerspicaciaTick · 14/07/2017 00:26

Sprry - wrong thread. Not sure how that happened. Blush

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