My DD being excluded

[pleasingone]

My DD is in a friendship group of four. They all get along really well and are lovely but 2 of the girls pair off and exclude the other 2, my DD being one of them. She copes / accepts it well.
Tomorrow is an inset day, my DD has been asking the others all week if they can all meet up. Tonight the two girls
have said they're meeting up and have excluded my DD again... one of the other girls mother happens to be a good friend of mine and it's made worse that I actually asked her what was happening last night, she said she didn't know, however it transpires that she is taking the other two out. I accept that this is likely to keep happening as my DD is clearly the third wheel.. it just feels so spiteful and unkind. The forth girl is away this weekend.
I'm supposed to be going out for dinner with this friend tomorrow but I'm so upset to see my DD treated shoddily AIBU to make my excuses and cancel?

Oliviapope

You should have used some choice words with that name! My dd announced one of her best friends only wants to play with her boyfriend at school. She's 8, 9 in a month. Omg

Thanks for your replies, many have given me something to consider and helpful advice (& others from people who clearly have no experience of having young teenage children!)

Oh go on then, I'll ask you for the third time.

How old are the children you're talking about OP?

Worra something about the way OP posts tells me they're 12-13. I don't know why I thought that really. I just did.

Coz kindness and respect for others only really applies at certain ages.

This thread explains a lot of the behaviour of the British women in our back office. Bitchy and social inept doesn't even come close.

OP - those kids were being mean. The other mother knows that her kid was being mean. They are entirely reliant on you and your daughter being too scared/kind/polite to do anything about it.

If I was you I wouldn't bother with them, don't get excited about it, no row or drama just drop the lot. Really encourage your child to find better friends- new groups, hobbies etc anything. Those kids will come back, they always do in the end just with a little less power which is no bad thing.

The girls have done nothing wrong. They are obviously best friends and closer to each other than the other two. It is ok to feel sad for your daughter but very unhelpful for you to think of it as her being left out.

If there was no bad intent they wouldn't have strung your daughter along all week. That's the issue. Not who is better friends. Honestly it does you no favours to teach your kids that this kind of behaviour is ok.

My friends kids school recently had to have certain parents and children in for ' social skills lessons' because they just didn't get that their behaviour was appalling. It was for their own benefit, they eventually become unemployable.

Imagine if the 2 best friends were white and the OP's daughter was black. How would that work out for you? Do you think they'd get away with this then?

How does your Dd feel about the 4th girl in this group? I know she's away at present but it doesn't sound as if she and your Dd are a natural pair the way the other two are, although they are friendly. Could you encourage them to actively be more of a pair upon her return? If not, it might be time to slightly expand her social circle.

charlestonchaplin no, my dd makes her own friends. But I do remind her that leaving people out of things like parties might lead to her being left out.

I too was an odd ball!

kingfishergreen I know what you mean. messiness is a turn off. self reliance is good. developing an inner life is good. it is just so much easier to do all this if you have friends- ironically!

Why does the OK need to state their child's age. It's pretty clear which age range she is.

Tomato I disagree. They may have felt awkward. Not known how to tell her they wanted to go together and not with her.

kids don't HAVE to include everyone in their time together. They just don't.

Also Tomato OP says "DD has been asking them all week"

That's not the same as them "Stringing her along"

She might have just been hassling them and they felt too awkward to come out and say "You're not invited"

Why does the OK need to state their child's age. It's pretty clear which age range she is.

Well what's the point in not stating it, even after being asked a few times?

Girls can be so unkind.

I go still feel that they have been unkind and spiteful as girls can be.

This would be an unpleasant thing to say anyway, let alone when they seem to just be making an arrangement with the two of them. However, it doesn't surprise me that it developed into the usual labelling of young girls as "unkind" etc. Even if they were being unkind (which is difficult to say for certain) it's ridiculous to ascribe this behaviour to "girls" (your daughter is one herself).

Worra it's a choice, not to give away too many details. No one needs to reply to the OP

Meh! Given the amount of info in the OP, adding their age isn't going to matter in that sense.

But it can matter very much in determining their levels of emotional maturity.

For example, a 16 year old is likely to be more emotionally mature than a 13yr old. Therefore, I would be more inclined to think the 16 year olds were possibly being unkind, but I would cut 13yr olds a bit more slack.

Of course these girls can do stuff without the OK's daughter. But as part of a friendship group at school they are leaving her out. School friendships are not like adult friendships. They are working towards that.

I think OK's dd can and should explore new friendships. I don't think it is wrong for the girls to just want to be together but by excluding one girl it may damage the group's structure. This is not a day or evening social activity, it is a specific day and the girl obviously had hopes of being included.

I hope she will find new friends who will want to include her. Three is a difficult number and outside school this is three not a four-some.

Meh! Some 13 year olds are like 16 year olds and vice versa!

And some people would take over a thread and argue black is white.

Hopefully the OP will be back to helpfully state their ages.

If not, it's no big deal.

Worrallibery
I posted this morning that they are young teens.

Ok OP, you obviously don't want to say and that's fine.

But there is often a difference in maturity between a group of 13yr olds and a group of 16yr olds - both groups could be described as young teens.

Good luck with it anyway. Hope it wall works out for them.

Invite some others over. Presumably there are 15-30 kids in the class. Your dd needs to make other friendships rather than putting herself constant in the excluded position. She needs your help to do this. Pick some others and invite them over

16 year olds aren't young teens.

& others from people who clearly have no experience of having young teenage children!)

They disagree with you so you assume they have no experience? The probably have more than you and therefor know better than you do. yabvu.

16 year olds are young teens compared to 18yr olds and 19yr olds.