Is it ok to say shut up to your child?

[tigercub50]

I really don't like the words " shut up" & think it's a bit disrespectful. I will always try to say something else to DD8. We are struggling with some of her behaviour at the moment & realise that we have to change our reactions & how we speak to her. Both DH & I are trying really hard to stay calm & acknowledge her feelings whilst letting her know that how she's behaving is unacceptable. However, when it escalates ( like it did this morning before the school run), DH will tell her to shut up. He gets further annoyed by the fact that DD has picked up on this & will say something like " Mummy says you shouldn't tell people to shut up". DH defends it to me by saying it's a common phrase where he comes from. Any thoughts?

I don't see how Be Quiet is any better that Shut Up. Might make you feel a bit better but the kid hears it as the exact same thing, which it is.

I don't see how Be Quiet is any better that Shut Up. Might make you feel a bit better but the kid hears it as the exact same thing, which it is

Be quiet is acceptable, shut up never is. A teacher could easily tell a class to be quiet but telling them to shut up never is.

** telling them to shut up will ways be rude.

** ALWAYS

It's very disrespectful and not something I like to hear. DH and I never tell my DSD to shut up and we also try to be sure we don't say it to each other (although we often do in a jokey way, which DSD then pulls us up on!). I really dislike it.

DH told his DD to "go away" the other day when she was being a bit naughty (he let her have a go on the pressure washer and she started pressure washing him at quite a close proximity) and I was really angry at that too. Luckily he saw pretty quickly that it was a shit thing to say and apologised and that has now also gone on our list of things never to say to each other!

'Shut up' is really horrible - I don't think I used it - mostly I tried alternatives including:
'pipe down'
'That's enough'
'Less of the .... (whatever it is they're saying/ doing)'
'Quiet please'

Its not nice. It's just shutting someone down and being really disrespectful with the intent to make them feel about 2cm tall. There are better ways to speak to kids.

Be quiet is acceptable, shut up never is. A teacher could easily tell a class to be quiet but telling them to shut up never is

But why? Exact same meaning, exact same intent, exact same affect. It's just that you have decided one is better than the other. It isn't really.

I do. From time to time.
Along with all of the other : please be quiet, stop talking, I need hush now...... loads of others aswell that I can't recall now.

If I get rattled I can say 'will you please shut up'. Occasionally shouting 'just shut up'.

I dont think it's THAT bad.

I'd rather be told to fuck off than be told to shut up!
It's rude, disrespectful and domineering.

But then why isn't Be Quiet "rude disrespectful and domineering"? It's just another form of shut up.?

Be quiet is rude but shut up is ruder imo.

Shut up is definitely ruder.

You could say "he's an unpleasant so and so" is more or less the same as "he's a cunt", but one is definitely ruder.

It's just that you have decided one is better than the other

Well,no,not just me, it's socially unacceptable to tell a class to shut up

DH told his DD to "go away" the other day when she was being a bit naughty (he let her have a go on the pressure washer and she started pressure washing him at quite a close proximity) and I was really angry at that too. Luckily he saw pretty quickly that it was a shit thing to say and apologised and that has now also gone on our list of things never to say to each other!

Dear god. Really? You told him off for her being 'a bit naughty' - no wonder our children think they rule the world

Shut up is disrespectful and aggressive in a way that be quiet isn't. I'm surprised that needs explaining, but I guess if you think it's fine to say shut up to anyone ...

Rude. But what I mean is, it's all in the tone and expression. You can say Be Quiet! in a rude and aggressive way, and conversely you could say shut up in a gentle and teasing manner.

Saying you wouldn't want anyone to say shut up to you as an adult is immaterial since you wouldn't want anyone to say Be Quiet! to you as an adult either! Just as rude....

My mother would tell me to shut up. It made me feel awful.

I don't use that phrase with anyone. Kids never use it.

If I need some quiet, I'll say 'got some work to do, could we have some quiet time' or 'can we chat later I've got to concentrate'. Kids always respect my requests for quiet.

Shut up comes from anger and no respect. Can't stand it.

Nope I don't use it. Partly because I teach a Reception class so am a bit weird about the stuff I say, but also because I just don't think it's necessary.

I've asked them to use inside voices or to whisper if someone's asleep or tired or unwell. But shut up has no place in a child's conversation.

'Go and play' is much nicer than 'go away' imo.

@WhooooAmI24601 but what if you don't want them to use inside voices or whisper,but actually shut up?

I heard my mum shouting at my niece 'SHUT. YOUR. MOUTH!' That was pretty awful to hear

Could you stop speaking for a few minutes? There's rude and polite ways to say most things. If we can manage polite interactions with adults (even difficult people at work etc) then we should be able to manage it with the children who are learning from us.
It doesn't shock me that a lot of parents speak to their kids this way because I see a lot of children who do it and they have likely learned it at home. Most kids do find it offputting to be told things like shut up and go away etc though so it doesn't do them any favours socially.

I use it all the time, i don't get what people are so offended by.

By the time I've run through 'be quiet' 'stop talking' and 'shush' then i'm sorry, breaking out 'shut up!' means i'm annoyed.

But then i'm common and yell 'shut that fucking dog up!' over the fence at my neighbours when it barks at me breathing in my own back garden, bloody noisy thing.