Is it ok to say shut up to your child?

[tigercub50]

I really don't like the words " shut up" & think it's a bit disrespectful. I will always try to say something else to DD8. We are struggling with some of her behaviour at the moment & realise that we have to change our reactions & how we speak to her. Both DH & I are trying really hard to stay calm & acknowledge her feelings whilst letting her know that how she's behaving is unacceptable. However, when it escalates ( like it did this morning before the school run), DH will tell her to shut up. He gets further annoyed by the fact that DD has picked up on this & will say something like " Mummy says you shouldn't tell people to shut up". DH defends it to me by saying it's a common phrase where he comes from. Any thoughts?

Sometimes a "hawd yer wheesht" if a child is being particularly trying.

"wheesht! - Had ya gob" probably less polite version

Fine if you are fine with them saying it back to you and other people, even when they get older and bigger than you.

I don't like it and would come down like a ton of bricks on anyone saying it at our house.

Would your dh be happy for her to say it back to him? If not then he should probably stop modelling it. And even if he doesn't mind it teachers and even other kids at school will find it rude.
There's no reason why you can't maintain boundaries and speak to your children respectfully. It may be a phrase your dh is used to but would he say it to his boss? I doubt it. And the reason for that is that it's rude. I wouldn't be happy with my dh telling the kids to shut up.

I don't like "shut up" from anyone to anyone.

And with the finger wagging it sounds like your dh communicates pretty aggressively with your dd

Nocapes that's how I say it too. My dcs can be so frustrating.

I like a "hush your mush" or "rest your gums", much friendlier than shut up

Rosa mine too, there are days when they communicate solely through arguing and winding each other up, it's very trying and those days only a big fat 'shuuuuuutttt uuuuuppppp' will do, accompanied with a big exaggerated flop onto the sofa

We're having a chat about it & if I think, DH hasn't said it in quite a while & when he said it this morning she really had been pushing it for ages. I just said to him that she will mirror what we do. I shout ( although I am trying so hard not to) so DD thinks it's ok to yell.

It's not ok in my house. I wouldn't like someone to say it to me unless in a clearly jokey manner. I have never said it to dd (3), and she knows it's not something we say, so has never said it to me despite hearing it on the tv. She was very upset when her friend told her to shut up, whereas he clearly didn't think it was a big deal and neither did his mum.

I don't say it in anger - I think it comes over too aggressively in that context. I do say it casually ("shut up a mo, everybody, I think I can hear the doorbell") or in a jokey way. If I'm actually getting cross I'm much more likely to spit out a PLEASE BE QUIET through gritted teeth.

A lot of the things people are saying as an alternative are humorous, if I say 'shut up!' I'm not feeling lighthearted or humorous, I'm at the end of my tether. I use it occasionally when nothing else is working and I'm feeling stressed. I'm aware it doesn't sound nice but that's okay because it's a chastisement, not every day chit chat.

If your DH wants her to go around telling other people to 'shut up' he's going the right way about it.

Finger wagging is just annoying. Human brains follow movement by instinct so chances are she's so busy watching his finger she isn't hearing what he is saying.

'Can you try saying that a bit more politely?'
'Go and do that in your room because nobody wants to listen to it'
'You don't get to talk to me like that'
'Right, we're going straight home' followed by the most icy silence outside of the Antarctic, mostly because any attempt to speak on my part would have come out as a blue tapestry of cussing.
'I'm sorry I don't speak Whinese, please can you repeat it in English?'

Helped a bit at that age. Also playing 'O Fortuna' at top volume in the car when there was incessant bickering in the back seat got my point across. It did make our car sound like it was possessed, but you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.

Like a pp, 'give it a rest' is my go-to. 'Be quiet' more forceful, condensed to a sharp 'Quiet!' in extremis.

'Shut up' is a no-no for me. I think I said it once to one of my dc and apologised profusely afterwards.

Personally I think people just try to hard! So many rules, so many parenting techniques so many pitfalls.

Your child will not become a delinquent because you lost it and told them to shut up occasionally, or because the parents don't always see eye to eye, or if you tell them "because I said so" or "when you are an adult you get to decide" or any of the other cliches once in a while. They won't go off the rails because mums yelling after a bad day or dads giving in for a peaceful life. They can understand having an off day, apologising, making up after a fallout, because these are all perfectly normal parts of being a family and growing up. And very important parts of growing up.

It only becomes an issue if that's their daily life, their 'normal'. So chill, carry on trying not to yell, trying to be a calmer parent, trying not to use language that you regret. But don't beat yourself up or become anxiety ridden because you sometimes lapse!

I was told to shut up and have always said it without thinking but my DD is 15 months now and learning to talk so I'm trying to stop (along with swearing) because I do think it's a bit rude. I'm trying to teach her about 'indoor voices' but at her age it's falling on deaf ears, ha ha! I've also been trying to say 'shush, please' instead.

I used to always ask mine to be quiet or shhh or similar - now they're both teenagers they just tell me to shut up all the time ... know it's not me who taught them it, nor all the swear words although I use them now at times

I hate it and we always had a no 'shut up' rule. I find it a horrible thing to say. Having said that, my lovely eldest dd turned into a not so lovely teenager and I have been known to mutter 'oh just shut up' in exasperation. Not proud, but anyone with a teenager at the height of being obnoxious and full of high and mighty attitude will surely understand.

She is 15, its the first time i've used it with any of them. I wouldn't say it to an 8 year old no matter how obnoxious they were being though.

No, we don't use shut up - I think it's very rude.

I'm getting the impression that you, your DH and your DD are all quite - reactive? You don't have to turn up to every argument you are invited to!

You can make questions slightly more 'closed' to limit discussion where possible too, if backchatting is the issue - so don't say 'would you brush your teeth now', something more along the lines of 'tooth brushing time' (in a cheery TV presenter-like manner) or you could just bark 'teeth' after the third attempt like me

It's not the best choice of words. However, when DS1 is obsessively ranting about something immeasurably trivial that I can't or won't do anything about, to the point that he's ready to explode, and hasn't responded to more measured pleas for calming the fuck down and backing off, then those are the words I will use. They're surprisingly effective at nipping his outbursts in the bud so that we can concentrate on things that we can make better for him BECAUSE I CAN DO FUCK ALL ABOUT THE BROKEN STREETLIGHT WHICH HAS ONLY BEEN HALF REMOVED SO STOP FUCKING GOING ON ABOUT IT, RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

Shut up is mild in the grand scheme of things, really.

shes

My (brilliant) late mum used to say "shut your face you", in an obviously jokey way. She usually said it when she was losing a (lighthearted) argument. I think it's fine in that context.

It can sound horribly aggressive though, if said seriously. So no, I don't think it's ok to say shut up to your dc.

Oh I've just remembered a friend of mine used to call his baby's bottle "shut up juice". That was meant as a joke as well though. I never found I think aggressive, just a bit silly.

Reactive really strikes a chord - we have been through some very tough times as a family & old habits die hard. I often say to my DH that it seems as if he is almost waiting for DD to misbehave & actually he can be quite confrontational with her. I have a strong need to be right, both with DH & DD, so tend to go on & on when actually I should just drop it! That's one of the things I find most irritating in DD ironically. We do clash as we are quite similar, even though DD is adopted. Pick your battles has been said to me more than once. It's exhausting dealing with challenging behaviour but as a pp said, you don't have to attend every argument you are invited to!

I never use it, I always use "be quiet please" with DS if needed, usually when he starts talking to me while I'm on the phone!

If anyone ever told me to shut up I'd be furious so I'm not going to use it on my child.