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Original poster

Is it ok to say shut up to your child?

127 replies

tigercub50 · 12/07/2017 12:34

I really don't like the words " shut up" & think it's a bit disrespectful. I will always try to say something else to DD8. We are struggling with some of her behaviour at the moment & realise that we have to change our reactions & how we speak to her. Both DH & I are trying really hard to stay calm & acknowledge her feelings whilst letting her know that how she's behaving is unacceptable. However, when it escalates ( like it did this morning before the school run), DH will tell her to shut up. He gets further annoyed by the fact that DD has picked up on this & will say something like " Mummy says you shouldn't tell people to shut up". DH defends it to me by saying it's a common phrase where he comes from. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
RiverTam · 12/07/2017 13:32

Titsy so you wouldn't be bothered by an adult telling you to shut up? It's far more aggressive that 'be quiet'!

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 12/07/2017 13:37

Normal in my house. Be quiet/shut up/shut yer cakehole... All interchangeable imo

lozzylizzy · 12/07/2017 13:38

Children repeat phrases. I wasn't too happy the other day when my DD (3) asked for a drink and when I went into the kitchen she clapped her hands together and said 'chop chop'. It has come from nursery as they say it when they bring them in from playing outside if they are being particularly slow.

How does a child differentiate that when they are so young?

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 12/07/2017 13:38

I'd be equally put out if a random adult told me to be quiet OR to shut up.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 12/07/2017 13:39

I'd be equally put out if a random adult told me to be quiet OR to shut up.

Groupie123 · 12/07/2017 13:40

If I told someone to shut up at work I would get into trouble. At best that means disciplinary but it could be termed under the aggressive behaviour part of our gross misconduct policy depending on how far the accuser escalates, which would mean dismissal. I work in an industry where everyone is effing and blinding but when you start directing it at each other that's when it's wrong.

If it's not okay in a work setting then it is not okay to be used when raising a child surely. I personally just like to say 'be quiet' firmly and it works.

ToesInWater · 12/07/2017 13:41

I hate it - nobody is allowed to use it in our house (adult or child)!

Eolian · 12/07/2017 13:43

That's a fair point. Part of it is about the language used, but a child and a parent aren't (and shouldn't be) equal. I tell my children to get dressed, to switch the tv off, to do their homework etc. They don't get to tell me what to do, whether they use polite words or not!

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 12/07/2017 13:45

Well, you learn something every day.

I tell my children to shut up fairly frequently. Noisy buggers that they are (I call them buggers too, how bad is that? ;))

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 12/07/2017 13:45

Well, you learn something every day.

I tell my children to shut up fairly frequently. Noisy buggers that they are (I call them buggers too, how bad is that? ;))

MaisieDotes · 12/07/2017 13:46

No, we don't use it. I think it's pretty aggressive.

I constantly normally say "that's enough", both to the two toddlers and to 16yo DD if she's, er, labouring a point.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 12/07/2017 13:48

I don't like it all, but I do sometimes resort to it when all other politer alternatives have been tried and ignored. Usually bedtime in our house.

I'll tell them to 'quieten down now', or 'that's enough now', or 'it's quiet time', and 'no more talking', 'be quiet please' and various other alternatives. More often than not it has no effect. So then I get cross and say 'I don't want to hear another word' and if that fails 'SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU'!

It's usually met with a 'that's rude', so at least they recognise that it's rude and not the norm! I never hear them say it.

Pinky333777 · 12/07/2017 13:51

It's fine if that's how you want your daughter to also speak to you and others.
Children do as they see.
Also it's probably not a good idea that hubby is displaying behaviour you actively discourage daughter from doing.
That will undermine and contradict your efforts. And she will use them to play you off with one another xxx

GreenHillsOfHome · 12/07/2017 13:55

Horrible sounding IMO and not something I use. A loud and stern 'ENOUGH' is my version if the dc are bickering or one of them is pushing the line with arguing back.

NKFell · 12/07/2017 13:57

My 4 year old always tells people not to say 'shut up', she says it's very rude and to say 'be quiet' instead.

Like PP I also use 'ENOUGH!' I tend to use it when 'be quiet' has failed.

mikeyssister · 12/07/2017 13:59

Having lived with DS for 19 years I can state for a categoric fact that sometimes only "Shut Up" is sufficient.

This is after numerous:

Ok that's fine now
Thank you for telling me that
I'm working
I need quiet right now
Ok please stop talking
Please be quiet
This is my bedroom please stop following me
Yes you've already told me that
I'm on the toilet
Please go away
I'm in the shower please go away

SHUT UP MIKEY'SSON - it does usually work, especially when said with "I love you dearly but please shut up".Blush

MeltorPeltor · 12/07/2017 13:59

No I hate it and I think it's a pretty horrible thing to say to another person. DS (age 2) has picked it up from somewhere but as he is yet to learn a better way we have to politely tell him that we do not say that and we instead ask people to stop and be quiet because X.

I did laugh last week though when I asked him not to say shut up mummy and so he started saying shut up ice cream instead, I thought that was pretty creative for a toddler :D

RebelRogue · 12/07/2017 14:01

Please be quiet doesn't always work for DD because she's a smart arse. So basically she'll keep going but in a (not very good) whisper and then gets very affronted because she was being quiet. Oh ok, shut up then Grin

Whodoesthis17 · 12/07/2017 14:01

If your daughter has picked up on Daddy saying shut up. then she must cause it to happen a lot,
maybe if dad says shut up, you should follow it up with please can you not interupt us...

seventhgonickname · 12/07/2017 14:01

I did it once when I cracked but apologised for the word straight afterward and said that it was rude.True to form I got it back a few days later but could at least tell her off and got her to apologise.I also explained that mummy's are allowed to make as much noise as they like when a rat runs over her sandled feet(luckily she didn't hear the words I used).

AhhhhThatsBass · 12/07/2017 14:01

Of course you shouldn't say "shut up" in front of your child. Just like I shouldn't say "For fuck sake" in front of 3 year old. Blush

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 12/07/2017 14:01

'That's enough' works well, I'd judge someone very hard for telling their children to shut up,it's dreadful!Shock

Peach9876 · 12/07/2017 14:02

I don't like it. I think it's rude too. But I have used it when I've had enough and asking them politely has failed, but it was a rather stressful point and having 2 kids bickering in the back of the car loudly after asking them to stop talking at all whilst DP was twittering in my ear and I was trying to sort something out (had pulled over to do so) and needed my full concentration... I will admit I lost it. They did shut up though and they were bloody great the rest of the day (DP included).

terrylene · 12/07/2017 14:02

Can't stand a household of people yelling "shut up" at each other - had enough of that when I was growing up.

"Would you please shout quietly" seems to work here. Wink

Mothervulva · 12/07/2017 14:03

One of the worst expressions I think. When I was teaching, I explained to my classes that I never wanted to hear anyone use 'shut up'. It's so aggressive, worse than swearing. So no I wouldn't say it to my children-and I do ask/ tell them to turn it down plenty enough.