Aibu for getting annoyed with random old women (in the main) getting up in my baby's grill?

[FindingNormal]

I hate it. Baby was prem so is small. Everywhere I go strangers stick their face in the pram and make comments, usually along the lines of "oh what a tiny baby" some try to touch her and then I get asked how old blah blah. Today I was at the doctors - I was crying (having a bad day) and an old woman came up and asked if she could see my baby. I mean seriously - I had tears down my face and clearly had my fuck off shields up and yet she still couldn't help herself from intruding. I find it so weird- I'd never go up to someone I didn't know and comment on their baby particularly if they looked upset. Is it me?

"precious offspring" not "previous"

@villainousbroodmare she doesn't sound horrible, she sounds like someone who doesn't want to be approached by random people which is more than acceptable IMO! Doesn't need to be PND, she's expecting common courtesy from people she doesn't know in public. Idk why when you have a baby you suddenly forfeit your right to walk around in public without being harassed.

OP I'm with you, especially if you were crying it doesn't scream "I'm welcoming, come and speak to me!"

In the doctors the other day, some random nosy old lady came to me and said "you look pale" I just thought yeah thanks love, I'm in the bloody doctors so why do you think that is some people just have no concept of space or privacy.

I am an old lady and love babies. I do always ask. If you were near me with a tiny baby and had tears running down your face I would speak to you, compliment your baby and try to make some supportive comment.
Sorry
I apologise

Oh and for those of you who aren't familiar with the term "up in my grill", instead of giving the OP a hard time for using a phrase you don't understand, you'll be pleased to know that the magical mumsnet machine you're using is also capable of being used to visit a wonderful little place called Google.

The grey lady but would you not say something like. "Oh dear pet, Hope you're ok. Gosh what a lovely baby" if it was genuinely about trying to be nice to me rather than no opener, just " can I see your baby" which to me comes across as 'I want to see your baby and I don't even notice that you are attached to it and don't seem ok'

You're definitely not unreasonable to not want interaction with strangers, definitely not. You also don't sound horrible, it's very stressful having a new baby, especially a premature one - but even if you're not finding it stressful, you still don't have to appease every stranger who speaks to you or your baby.

Cannot believe the kicking you've had on this thread.

thegrey

DH and I had no RL support after having DD. We really appreciated people being kind to us. I do think people who get actively irritated by this are in the minority. I always comment on little babies, but I'm not really interested tbh. I just remember how much I needed the odd kind word from time to time when DD was tiny. If we'd had loads of lovely grandparents, aunts and uncles around maybe we wouldn't have appreciated it so much? Don't know.

People always said to me "oh what a tiny baby". Dd was massively overdue and 8lbs when she was born, so think in my case it was just something for them to say. Not personal at all for us, though I know when I've said something banal to another mum at playgroup / swim class, like "oh look at the little one" (just a comment that babies are, you know small - all of them), or simply "how old is your little boy?", some mums immediately, urgently say "he was premature" as if she had had to deflect questions about his size a lot. Have had to change my conversation starters!

Am I ok starting conversations with other mums at playgroup by the way? I do have my own child. Or am I invading their personal spare and colluding with the patriarchy I wonder...

Personal space*

Bloody phone! Excuse the numerous typos.

I think I've managed to work out what grill is - I may use it with DDog. I'm 63 - I smile at a lot of babies and their mums and then catch myself on, scurry home, check out AIBU and then heave a sigh of relief

I'm sorry you'd had a bad day OP

decaff but starting conversations with new mums at playgroup is a totally different scenario - people go to baby groups to socialise and for their babies to interact with other babies. You must see how different that is to being approached in a waiting room in a doctors surgery by a stranger?

"can I see your baby?" Is actually quite rude in those circumstances. Even if she was trying to distract you that is rude.

Answer? "No, you can't, sorry".

I do see how that is different pumper (does that mean farter btw ?), but I also see a clear difference between women approaching you (politely and not the way this woman did) and men heckling women in the street for wearing a short skirt - this comparison has been made, more than once, on this thread.

Gosh so many nasty or sarcastic comments to this poor new mum.
Her choice of words show her distress. You surely can't presume she "isn't very nice"

When I'm upset in public the last thing I want is people coming up for a chat about how cute my baby is. I would want to hide away.

Your not being unreasonable. I'm suprised people have approached you when your in tears. Where I am everyone looks the other way. They probably mean well. Perhaps you could say, sorry I'm having a bad morning, could I please have a little space?

Sending hugs. It does get easier x

Polite comments by women, about your baby, is not, (imo), the same as aggressively sexualising a random woman on the street because of her looks. That is what has actually made me quite offended on behalf of the women, of all ages; the ones who are trying to be kind by showing an interest in other women's newborns. A lot of sweeping generalisations on this thread which are unhelpful. It worries me that people like grey might think they have done something wrong by even commenting or asking to talk to a new baby. It's not wrong. If you don't like it, say NO.

I felt like this with my first. Everything and everyone was a potential threat and carrier of disease! I did calm down as she got older and I wasn't so precious with my second. I think it's pretty normal to be overprotective of your baby. If you were carrying a suitcase with £1million in it, you would feel edgy if strangers got near and your baby is so much more precious than that!

This thread is ridiculous- if you saw someone crying at the doctor's surgery, would it be ok to go up and demand to look in their bag? Ask them where they got their shoes? Ask where they got their hair cut? What they'd bought at the supermarket?

No?

So it's not different because it's a baby. Looking at babies isn't for the baby's benefit - they don't care. It's also not for the mother's benefit. It's just about the person doing the looking.

🙄

Looking at babies isn't for the baby's benefit - they don't care. It's also not for the mother's benefit. It's just about the person doing the looking.

It actually does sound like this^^ was the case in this instance. But, this is exactly the sort of generalisation I was talking about a minute ago.

With v small babies I think it's always the case actually Decaff, but yes, you're right, in this case especially so.

All up in my grill, a term favoured by The. Kelly and Beyonce. I now have 'Ignition' on the brain, thanks op.

decaff no, but it does all come under the umbrella of 'women have to be obliging at all times' - so actually, quite similar to being told 'Smile!' by a random stranger.

Pumper came from the nightmare of expressing when DD was tiny! And maybe a wee bit farting

I've already said this a few times, but, in some cases, in fact a lot of the time ime, women make conversation with new mothers to be supportive. I do it. I'm not especially interested in other people's newborns, but I remember having no support other than DH when my DD was little. We too had a very traumatic time in the early days with both of us falling seriously ill and being rushed to hospital when she was a few days old. Some days, a kind word about my DD, from someone who wasn't sleep deprived and one of her parents was a real boost for me. Maybe if we had loads of relatives gushing about how wonderful she was I wouldn't have appreciated this so much, but in the circumstances, it was lovely. So no, never for the benefit of the baby (they don't care), but frequently for the benefit of the mother IME.

Decaff it's nice that that's where it comes from sometimes. I'll try to remember that when I'm out and about and not be so weirded out/uncomfortable. I am a very private person though so attention from strangers is never going to be particularly comfortable for me, specially if I'm having a moment. I suppose as with many social encounters people need to read the situation before they wade in. If for example they start off with a nice comment and the mum is all smiles and gushing and engaging in the conversation then great- a polite smile doesn't invite anything else but ime people don't seem to follow those cues.

Yes decaff that's what I think I'm doing too and I hope that I haven't crossed lines and upset women by doing this.

Old ladies admiring babies and chatting used to be part of everyday life. I thought I would be doing it myself by now but I don't bother , seeing as how it would probably be taken the wrong way.
Having said that, if the mother was obviously upset ie crying, it wasn't the right moment to ask, so the lady should have backed off in this instance.

pumper

I would never expect a woman to be anything at all times. I already said up thread, though appreciate my comments probably aren't high on everyone's reading agenda . If you don't like it when someone starts a conversation with you, I strongly urge you to say no or brush the off.

Some people actually do like these conversations. Not all the time, of course. Some days, I want to engage, others I don't, but I don't blame the person trying to engage with me, unless they are rude (like the op's woman in the GPs). It's my mood which dictates how I want to be approached. I brush people off if I don't feel like it. It has nothing to do with them, unless they are rude.