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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sister won't come to see me & new baby

166 replies

nyark · 11/07/2017 18:26

My sister and I live very far from other family (several plane rides and time zones away). I'm pregnant with my first, and despite me inviting my DSis to visit to visit/help with our newborn, she has cried off and said she will visit during her DC summer holiday when the baby is older (which, of course, will mean I will not be in need of as much help from her at that time!)

She is a single mum, split from her husband (I think that she cheated on him although she denies this, tbf I do not know the details as I did not want to get involved). I thought that after the pain of the split and breaking up her family, she would want to be involved in a happy event like the birth of her first niece/nephew. AIBU to be upset about this? I went to stay with her for two weeks when her first was born several years ago!

I have been trying to involve her in the pregnancy, texting to ask her advice etc. but all I get is breezy replies and best wishes. No real conversation or support. It's really getting me down. I feel alone, so far from family.

Because she is split from her ex, she uses the excuse that she can't visit for more than a few days because her parenting arrangement doesn't allow for her to travel for more than that with the DC. Surely this is something she should be able to negotiate with her ex? He is a good guy and tbh, probably too good for my DSis but that's another thread Sad DH and I have contacted her ex separately as well and invited him to bring the DC to see us. He hasn't set a date to visit but seems more keen. Also, she is of the opinion that she can't take DC out of school to visit us. Surely this is more important, especially with her being my only family here? DC are reception/primary age so it's not like they're writing GCSEs.

Aibu to feel let down and out in the cold? Sad

OP posts:
bloodymaria · 11/07/2017 19:54

What is the bloody point in posting a reverse thread? It's just STUPID! Gah. OP whichever sister you are, YABU.

FrancisCrawford · 11/07/2017 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilyMcClellan · 11/07/2017 19:54

You can't seriously want your sister to pull her kids out of school, pack them all up for a week or more, drive them for a day there and back, all so she can come and "help" you with a tiny infant who mostly sleeps and eats?!

Sorry to have to enlighten you, but two school age kids take as much or more looking after than a newborn. Are you planning to entertain them while she "helps" with your baby?

SonicBoomBoom · 11/07/2017 19:57

Definitely a reverse.

septembersunshine · 11/07/2017 19:57

It sounds like she is dealing with a stressful time op. Break up of her own relationship and dealing with her own children. Maybe helping you with your new baby is just too much for her right now? maybe she is feeling down and stressed? Imagine: there you are about to have a baby with your dh. A lovely exciting event while she is possibly struggling with her life and maybe doesn't want to burden you with all her woes. I would give her the space and stand on your own two feet. Many people don't have family around. None. But they get on with it. Focus on your baby and your birth and your life and leave your sister to hers for now.

And op, you don't just take your dc out of school. Not randomly like this. It just doesn't work like that! It will disrupt their routine and education and life. You have to get permission to do this and can get fined. You kind of expect everyone to drop everything they are doing to attend to you.

Starlight2345 · 11/07/2017 19:58

watching for big reveal

ItsGone · 11/07/2017 19:59

.

LoveCakesandWine · 11/07/2017 20:03
Biscuit
Aperolspritzer123 · 11/07/2017 20:04

Reverse - obvs

Thealbatross · 11/07/2017 20:06

Wow  You want your single parent sister to disrupt her 2 dcs education, routine, and contact with their father, to come and help look after your (and your DH's) 1 baby??

And how on earth is the breakdown of her relationship or worthiness of her ex in anyway relevant?

If this is a genuine AIBU, I am gobsmacked.

Motherbear26 · 11/07/2017 20:09

Just in case this is real...

I think the obvious issue is that you are missing being close to family. Your sister is bearing the brunt of this as she is the only family member who lives near enough to be of any help. When things change and you need support it's natural to want to lean on family. Unfortunately your sister has a lot on her plate at the minute and you need to make allowances for this. If you feel you need help with one when you have your DP (and I'm not minimising the huge change you've experienced), just try and imagine how much your sister might be struggling alone with her dc.

It was lovely of you to help your sister but she just isn't in a position to reciprocate. She has offered to visit when it fits in with her and her dc's routine which is very generous given her circumstances. Lower your expectations and try to be a bit more understanding of her situation. Perhaps she could have been more interested and offered advice, but she's been through a pretty tough time herself. She has to focus on herself and her family. I think you need to do the same. It's a tough lesson, but your family now is your dp and dc. Other family members may choose to help, and many do, but you can't assume anyone's help or even interest.

Graceflorrick · 11/07/2017 20:11

OP, you sound very difficult. At a basic level, your baby is your responsibility, not your sisters.

She has DC and a life to organise, surely you can see that she can't drop everything and make you and your baby the centre of her world for a few weeks?

indigox · 11/07/2017 20:15

I wouldn't be visiting either. Come back and read how ridiculous you were when you've got kids, divorced and have to keep to a shared parenting arrangement.

Newtothis2017 · 11/07/2017 20:17

😂😂😂

bbpp · 11/07/2017 20:19

Hard to believe people like this exist.

And you stayed with the first child? Were you wanted, or did you just get in the way? Surely any subsequent would have been harder work with another child around, why weren't you invited those times?

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 11/07/2017 20:20

YABVU. You want her to drop everything to look after a chid you chose to have whist her own children miss out on their education. Mmmm I wonder why she's not coming Hmm

LeakyLittleBoat · 11/07/2017 20:22

If she picks up on even half the feeling of contempt that comes across so strongly from you in your post, can't say I blame her for not wanting to be your gopher now you have your first child. She's a single parent in the early aftermath of a marriage break up and might have welcomed some emotional support herself while you were not asking for details but instead you're disparaging her as 'not good enough' for her husband on a public forum on the Internet. What is she supposed to do about care for her own kids? Oh yeah take 'em out of school, their education is not at all important next to your needs. Here's an idea, if she's as big a waste of space as you imply in your post and he's such a prince, ask him to come be your unpaid nanny.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 11/07/2017 20:30

I immediately thought reverse along with half the posters on here. I hate reverse threads, but I do sympathise op. My sister is a bit of a twunt too. We rarely speak.

Mistletoekids · 11/07/2017 20:30

YABVVVU

SwimmingInLemonade · 11/07/2017 20:32

Why does everyone think this is a reverse? if mumsnet has taught me anything it's that unbelievably self-centred people exist. There's no reason to think they don't also post on websites for confirmation that they're wonderful and everyone else is wrong...

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 11/07/2017 20:37

Will her children be expected to skivvy for you during their summer holidays too?

Just because you're related, it doesn't mean you have to have like for like experiences in visits. Yes you went to visit her but presumably you didn't have children to care for and to take to school at the time?

You are a very, very selfish person. I imagine you have done many things to display this over the years.

Whattheacktual · 11/07/2017 20:37

I'd tell you to get tae fuck tbh.

You clearly don't believe in the concept of loyalty.

As for the ex being too good for your sister. My family thought that about my ex. He was too good for me. They learnt the hard way he's a town angel house devil

I hope your sister has good friends. With family like you she will need them.

Buthewasstillhungry · 11/07/2017 20:38

YABVVVVU

Belleende · 11/07/2017 20:43

You and twinings related by any chance?

mamma12 · 11/07/2017 20:44

Without meaning to sound like an arsehole you are being unreasonable.
Your sister has clearly been through a tough time and you don't sound like you're that empathetic towards her. It can be particularly tricky dealing with younger siblings having babies and can bring up a lot of hidden emotions let alone when your own relationship hasn't worked out. I think it sounds like she might find it a bit hard and that's understandable. I think you should probably try to think more about other people's feelings. Sorry if this sounds harsh.